#stfu-mika

[mika-shion]

this physically hurt me, ow

[mika-shion]

Okay... that's it. I was reckless with my heart again. I don't know how I'll be moving forward from this, but I will. Honestly could've been a lot worse, and hopefully we'll still be friends by the end.

At the very least, I can finally give myself permission to fall apart again. I only hope I can hold onto what little light is still in me when alls said and done. ❤️‍🩹

[mika-shion]

I'm Alone

The same shit keeps happening. No matter what I do, who I catch feelings for, how the relationship goes - it's all the fucking same.

I find someone, start talking with them, eventually start dating, I introduce them to my friends, we all laugh, get along and have fun!

Then the months go by, for whatever reason I start spending less time with the person I'm dating. Not usually out of choice, it just starts to enter that phase of the relationship.

Then they start hanging out with other people, my stupid ass gets jealous, paranoid, and possessive. I notice it and immediately start pushing back on it however I can! Find other things to keep me busy, joining in when I can, reach out to my own friends, whatever!

At the end of the day, it's still the same. When it's quiet and I'm left alone with my own thoughts, my mind runs wild and I can't help but panic.

"They're losing interest in you"

"You're scaring them off!"

"You're too intense and they don't want you around"

"Your friends are sabotaging you"

"They don't want you to be happy"

"Nobody thinks you're good enough"

All of these thoughts and more keep popping up and I can't get them out, completely deteriorating my mood and state of mind until I'm a bitchy, spiteful, emotional mess! Resulting in me feeling awful and guilty, then resulting in me isolating myself.

I do everything in my power to avoid this too, I ask people for reassurance, I ask people to communicate, I do all of this and more as well and it never gets me anywhere!

The only way it ends is with me getting so caught up in my emotions and self doubt/hate that my only visible choice of recourse is to completely isolate and eventually become suicidal.

Last time this happened, I had my friends at the time intervene and "force" me into group therapy & to see a new therapist. That worked decently, but then those friends still drifted away and I was left alone again.

Even the friends I have right now aren't enough, cuz I can't get into a single conversation with any of them when I'm distraught without lashing out and either resulting in a fight or me feeling like an asshole. Which only perpetuates this whole mess!

I wasn't always like this, I don't know what's happening! I want it to end and I desperately want my friends to be there to help me, but everyone eventually gets tired of picking up my pieces for me while I scramble to try to understand and accept my own mind.

It doesn't matter who stays or who goes, I'm always alone! I can be in a room filled with my oldest and closest friends, we could all be yapping about our interests, but there'd always be that fucking demon whispering at me, making me feel isolated and worthless.

It seems cut and dry on the surface, but nothing I do helps and I can't take it anymore! Why am I the only one I can't let be happy?

[mika-shion]

Eyy, got sent home/back to my friends place cuz I kept falling asleep in class.

Gotta love that "you're a gross, lazy slob" feeling, am I right? xD

[mika-shion]

Hey so... I'm feelin' kinda like garbage and here's why... I guess.

So... Everytime I go to write smth like this, it seems to get harder and harder. But more often than not it's the only option I can see.

Cuz either some of what I wanna talk about is either too personal or too much to bring up to anyone I normally talk to.

Then there's also the problem of not wanting to keep bothering those same people with my bullshit.

They've got their own lives to worry about. So if I can't, at the very least, help them, I'm definitely not gonna keep piling my crap onto them as well. They're not my emotional punching bags, I just can't do that...

That's when I go to try to write one of these, but then similar problems show up:

· too personal

· too much

· not important enough

Or even just the simple problem- er... "simple" problem, of not knowing how to word it.

I try to be extremely careful with my words cuz I don't ever want to get the wrong idea across or waste time trying to correct myself.

D'y'know how exhausting that is??

That's why I'm so quiet and hidden away from people, I don't have the energy to try to socialize when I have to put so much thought into how I say shit.

Granted, not every conversation happens like that. Sometimes I feel comfortable enough to kinda just say... whatever. But even then I'm still careful about what I say.

On top of that, I'm very introverted. So nearly every interaction with people is tiring in some way, so I spend so long just trying to recover.

Of course some of this may be avoiding, or even some of it could be me "recovering" from whatever stressful/taxing situation I was just in. It's.... infuriating, and I have no clue what to do. I have no discipline, no self control, no confidence, no strong motivations.. I feel like nothing rn...

.....I feel like the majority of my existence is complaining at this point. I'm just wasting my time complaining on the internet to absolutely no one, when I could have a fucking job right now. A partner, an apartment away from my family, a mother-fucking life of my own!

But no.

My circumstances have thrown me into a reality where I have amazing ambitions and so much love to give, but not a goddamn ounce of willpower to do a thing about it.

I might be able to do amazing things right now, but instead I'm lying down in my shitty, years-old mattress/bed, bitching about what could've been and wishing for shit to happen while not putting in any of the effort to get it done, cuz I can't see past my reality.

Or maybe that's not the problem... Hell if I know or care anymore. I just can't stop sinking. But at this point...

I'm gonna go. Maybe find a way to pull my head outta my own ass for 5 minutes and actually talk to someone. Instead of shouting my problems at the 2 or 3 people actually reading this.

...

Hope you have a good weekend everybody!

v ^w^)*

[mika-shion]

Lol sorry, gotta vent

I.... am so exhausted. Couldn't even get breakfast... Just wanna sleep, but I can't.... got shit to do.

My arms are aching cuz they aren't holding my love tight right now... Makes me wish I still had a dog...

Life feels more like it's about survival for me rn. Going day by day, just barely eating enough to get by.

I'm not choosing not to eat either, just a significant lack of food that's available to me.

But I refuse to complain too much when the issue arises, cuz as of now my sleep-deprived mother is barely able to afford rent and whatnot. Plus she's taking classes so she can get a chance at a better job so this is less of an issue.

But she keeps hitting roadblocks and wasting her study/homework time helping everyone get around. Mostly cuz she doesn't have a choice, but sometimes she just feels obligated to.

So I'm trying lighten the load by pushing myself to become more independent faster, but I just don't have the energy to a lot of the time.

On top of all of this, I'm desperately trying to manage the most important relationship of my life.

Thank God he's so patient and understanding of me, but that can only go so far and this can't be a one-sided relationship.... Ofc it's not right now, I'm just afraid of it becoming that is all... God I wish we could just be living together already, but ofc I'm nowhere near ready for that.....

Fuck.... This is just.... Too much.

It's exhausting just to think about saying, let alone saying it - but I know I'll get through this.

It'll be painful, tiring, emotional, stressful... But that's life.

And if I step outside myself for a moment to think about it, I truly wouldn't want it any other way.

.......My life feels like it's crushing me while I'm riding on a bullet train and... I just need something to help slow everything down a bit and to lessen the load every now and then... I don't think that's too much to ask.. I guess ^^;;

[mika-shion]

*insert edgy-bullshit title*

Ok... Hi everyone, sorry it's been so silent lately. Frankly p amazed most of you are still here ^^;; ....Anyway, the reason I've been absent is... because of life. I apparently can't help but be an emo bitch about every little thing... Well... I say "little". In reality they're my biggest struggles right now... w/e, it depends on the person. Basically, to painfully oversimplify it, I've been contemplating suicide/self harm again. Seems every time I do, my thoughts become that much closer to turning into actions... I'm at a point right now where I desperately want to do something, but don't care enough to act on it. The most prominent thought, aside from death/self harm, is just... doing nothing. Spending the majority of my days secluded, possibly straving myself. Not out of a desire to lose weight, just... a combination of wanting to die/feel pain through starvation and pure apathy towards life. Shits been extremely difficult on almost all accounts lately. Money is, and likely always will be, a significant issue. As well as food. Lack of sleep/energy has been a constant annoyance. I mean I've had a number of good days/nights lately, but there's still a v noticeable lack of energy overall... Then there's... simply "what I want to do" - what my plans for the future, or even just right now, are. This is all without even mentioning my deteriorating relationships, lack of creativity/motivation, my literal shit-bag of a "father" and his impact on me, my siblings, and my mom, all of my mom's problems Honest to god the list just goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on~ So hopefully it comes as no surprise that someone as reclusive and inexperienced as me is feeling so unbearably hopeless... So much so that I'm a small amount of willpower away from chucking myself into the nearest buzy highway. What the actual fuck is the point of this horse shit?! Honestly!! I see no hope for an enjoyable future of any kind cuz I can't hold out doing this bullshit long enough to get there, let alone what's required to maintain that enjoyable/secure/relaxing atmosphere. But I'm also trying to be careful about when, where, and how I present this information cuz if the choice is between handing over control to some insanely unreliable psyche ward fuckwad, or outright ending my life - I'd end it in a heartbeat. I already feel like I have no control over anything substantial in my life, there's no way in goddamn hell I'm handing over what minor, unimportant control I actually feel like I have over to some shit head who will only see me as some pathetically damaged lab rat meant to be kept alive, no matter how I feel abt anything. Especially considering, yknow IT'S MY LIFE But sure, whatever. I'll stay alive. I'll avoid "being selfish" by not ending my pointless suffering. That sounds fun~ If not for the fact I'm incredibly squeamish about the concept in general, I'd already be gutted and on the floor right now. But why do I bother?? No amount of "the right words" will help to portray what I'm going through to anyone... and even if it does, no one has the answer I'm looking for nor the one that I need... Fuck it I'm gonna go try to not chug some bleach and maybe sleep for 40 hrs, later

[mika-shion]

I wish i could fall asleep in your arms, being soothed by the sweet sound of your voice