man when i "came out" or rather, got caught in the act of self harm and ended up spilling that i wasnt a girl, it was like the worst night of my life. like i was told (read: yelled at over and over again) that i would never be a boy because of my lack of penis and too much boobs. i was yelled at in front of my whole family screamed at that i was wrong that im a girl that i cant change who i am. i was told "you can be whatever you want" and then immeadatly after told "but youll never never never in a million years be a boy" ill never forget that and honestly it makes me want to die if i think about it
i think everyone in my family just like.... wants to forget about that night because nobody talks about it. that was back in december. i wish i had recorded it. posted it to youtube. shown everyone what my dad said to me, what my mom thought of me. it was horrible. it was right before christmas. i legit thought they were gonna kick me out before christmas just because im not who they want to believe i am.
im not a fucking girl. i dont need a penis to be a man. im more of a man than you are, dad, at least i can accept someone for who they are. at least im not a shitty human being. you try so hard to be a good dad, but you fail where it matters the most. if i was a lesbian you wouldnt care, but since im a boy im suddenly wrong? like?? it doesnt work like that. i love you dad, but you make me want to die. you make it hard for me to be happy. and yet i defend the things you do and the way you spend your money and i let you talk to me when youre frustrated about money and mom being shit. im there for you. but when i remember what you said to me that night it makes me want to die.
god i havent thought about that in a long time. no one really changed what they call me at home. one of my siblings uses correct pronouns/name but i think the others are afraid to. thank you, to my one sibling who does so. thank you for making it easier.
lmao i havent felt like this in a while. usually i try to ignore the fact that i hate myself because ill never be "right". i try to ignore it because its easier to ignore than it is to change. i dont know how to change i dont know who to see. i dont know how to do anything im almost 21 and i cant do anything. i want to start my transition so that i dont look so wrong anymore. i dont want people at work calling me "miss" and "she" and "the lady". i want to be me but i dont know how or where to start. every resource i see is for the states and theres nothing about canada, let alone alberta. i dont know where to go, who to ask, who to talk to. im so afraid that ill never be how i want. im afraid ill always be the lady rather than the man. im so afraid.
all this because i read this fic here (fic is michael-centric achi evementhu nter high school au. its good). its really great; everyones queer and caleb is trans and michael is expirencing what i am... im just so emotional because of this really good sad unfinished fic. i might delete this in the morning and it probably makes little sense. im just emotional right now. forgive me.