#emotional analysis

[electric-candles]

1/22

Im too busy thinking about myself to think.

I felt right today, I was happy+ engaged with living

“I had the will to live today”  to Sarah

Tim in class thurs, to the eff. Of “If you meet a good editor, someone who wuill really read your work critically -- marry them”

I was the most marriagable one in the room -- but where coulf I find another of myself

Appt w/ Marit was weird yesterday

Broken eggs and the smell of butterscotch

“Now back to the real world”

It was then that i realized that was exactly what i needed.

For an hour, i was happ, and i am [was crossed out] happy about it afterward

I found a homde within my home

Out of nowhere, years later, the photographs in fof remain

The specter ofmy mother on the sidewalk, her straggling mane a ratty x curtain down her back

I ignore myself too easily, too often

[space-daddio-dane]

It's a Hell of a Fight. But a Fight so Quiet.

I don't often, or ever, really, see posts about battling emotional detachment. For me, it's a seriously scary thing. For long periods of time, I have trouble feeling what I know I should. What I want to let myself feel. I can remember so clearly, feeling so vividly. But after years of pain, abuse, and isolating myself, something went off, and I started having trouble feeling at all. I'd convinced myself at times that I didn't have emotion. There were lines in my journal assuring myself it was okay, because I didn't need to feel. I controlled the one thing I could in a spiraling situation. Now, feeling giddy or genuinely happy feels fake. Every time I find myself going twitterpated, I stop, and I wonder if it's real, or another forced attempt at feeling. It bothers me so much, because I can so clearly remember periods of time recently when I thought I was okay. That the detachment was a distant memory. But so many times, I can't bring myself to feel the same way again. I suppose emotional detachment is somewhat like depression, except I don't find myself feeling down. I just find myself feeling hollow. Like nothing is wrong, but feeling like I'm lying to everyone. I know there is a large crowd on this website that deal with mental struggles. I wanted to put this one out there, just to see if anybody else has insight or knows the feeling. Or if anybody knows of ways to deal with it. Right now, I just find myself trying to latch onto the few times I catch myself feeling vivid emotions.. I hold onto that for days, trying to keep it alive like fanning a flame. I'm just not sure what to do.

[joyfulwastelandmiracle]

Letter to my lover (my life, my husband)

Letter to my lover (my life, my husband)

Every time you get angry at me a piece of me dies.

Be it about the fact that I went into my own world whilst helping you with your fish tank, or whether I do not have a systematic method of cleaning, it is a piece of me that you criticise and kill.

I didnt wake up thinking of things I can do to piss you off. In fact, I think quite the opposite. But no matter what happens, you have a way of…

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