#emotional ranting

[ahoy-im-gwen]

So I needed to buy a laptop.

I’ve needed one for months but now, with the added stress of having to move AGAIN this summer, I needed a laptop so I could look for apartments and apply for jobs (I quit mine last week) so I wouldn’t have to go downtown every day and pay to use a computer for 15 minutes. Even before I quit my job I couldn’t afford it - I can’t work more than part time and my job paid minimum wage, and so most of my paycheck went towards food, essentials and to care for my cats. Whatever I had left had to go towards saving for a new apartment which was 100% against my plan. And I wasn’t even planning on getting a fancy laptop - just something so I could write, do work, and listen to music/watch Netflix. Something I could take to a cafe and work for the day, but even the basic ones were more than I could afford.

A few days ago, I was on Facebook asking my friends where to find a generally cheap laptop. A few people sent me links for ones that weren’t too bad for regular people to afford - about $300 - but I was too ashamed to admit that even that was too much for me. I’d been looking on Amazon, Target, Walmart, everywhere I could think of, and they were still out of my price range.

And then a guy messaged me. I knew him, kind of - and by kind of, I mean he went to my high school and we’d talked a few times in passing but that was it. He said he’d give me $50 to put towards me buying a laptop. And for almost twenty minutes all I could say was, “What?”

He was confused at my protesting, and I didn’t know how to explain it without coming off as a bitch. The truth was, I was so shocked that someone was offering to help me afford one. Finally I was able to choke out, “I don’t deserve this,” and all he said was, “Yes, you do. I just want to help.”

And I was speechless.

He told me it wasn’t a loan. He refused to let me pay him back, just kept telling me that he had the chance to help and he knew I needed a laptop. I still wanted to protest, but he stopped me. Told me I didn’t have to say thank you, that taking the help was enough.

And I was able to order a laptop last night.

I’m not used to this. I’m not used to people caring about me, to people offering to help me expecting nothing in return. With people just genuinely being nice to me without planning on using it to hurt me later. Someone I’ve barely talked to saw me talking about needing a laptop and offered to help me pay for it, no questions asked. I have friends who held me when I broke down sobbing during Endgame and didn’t make fun of me for it. I have a friend who came with me to get one of my most anticipated books of this year, who watched as I freaked out over how gorgeous it was and didn’t make fun of me, who seemed really happy for me. I have a friend who texted me a gif of a forehead kiss when I was struggling with the caption “hopefully that’ll be enough until i can do it in person.” I have a friend who came and picked me up when I had a panic attack and just let me sit in his car until after midnight talking about everything under the sun to distract me and help me calm down. I have friends who have offered to help me move for free because they agree my situation with my landlord is bullshit. I have a friend who sent me $50 randomly when I said I was starving and didn’t have any money to go get dinner and wouldn’t let me pay him back because he said if I didn’t take it, he’d just spend it on cigarettes and energy drinks and he wanted to make sure I was going to be okay.

Coming from an abusive household, I was raised that no one could ever help me, that I was worthless, that the only “love” I got wasn’t real because they’d just turn around and hurt me again. That I didn’t deserve to be loved.

But now I have a family. I’ve found a family in the most unlikely places, with people I never thought I’d be friends with, and now I can’t imagine my life without them. They’re teaching me how to be loved, how to let myself be cared for because I deserve it. My chosen family is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I am so goddamn thankful for all of them. 💛

[killingme-softly]

Ya know...I seldom post original content. If ever. But god damn. You know when someone you like. Care about or some shit comes to you for like. The most basic thing like, oh I don’t know, emotional support, and you’re so fucking mentally stunted that you just sit there like a mute dumbass unable to do or say anything remotely comforting? And yet you get comfort and bullshit like that from everyone else all the time? It’s the best. Way to go champ.

[scythesxroses]

IDK Why I bother anymore.

It’s one of those days for me, that I question why I’m still fucking wasting my life away on this fucking internet doing nothing but mindless scrolling and reading and consuming pointless tidbits and articles and whatever other shit of information--good, bad, relevant or otherwise--because I have no life off the net.

I question myself, why I bother to diligently repeat this cycle, day after day. Effortlessly, unconsciously, I just drift to this computer, expecting to find...something.

Once upon a time, that something was connectivity and social engagement with friends that I’ve never [with the exception of a few] met face to face in real life, but considered very important in my life.

Now it just feels desolate and empty. I come to the computer and there’s never any new messages, my IM’s and emails are usually silent and if it’s my inbox, just typical notifications or subscribed newsletter bullshit. That’s not to say some of my friends aren’t there, on the contrary, they are logged in, their statuses are either marked as Away, Busy, or online, but unresponsive. I’m aware that as we’ve grown up and old that we’re not the spring chickens we were, and that life takes ahold of most.

But I’m also aware of those that fucking are there and are doing other things, and can’t be fucking assed or bothered to answer me. Hell, I could name names and even point fingers, but I also know not everyone who is my friend can split their attention. But when did it come to the point that, scrolling mindlessly, getting dragged into effortless motions become more important than sparing some time for a friend?

I miss the days when I could simply say hi, and not wait for twenty minutes, an hour, even a whole fucking day before I got a response. It was instantaneous nearly. Now I feel just as isolated and alone here online as I do in real life.

I feel so ridiculously alone and abandoned in a way, and, it honest to fucking god feels like I’m standing at the edge of an invisible chasm--I can’t see it there, like there’s a mirage of safety/solid ground there, but I just know there really isn’t anything there and know that I can’t jump the length required. It feels like the people I used to walk with, care about, ect have all gone on ahead, not stopping to look back and check up on me, conveniently forgetting that I depend on their care and help to guide me.

I miss the days of long talks that last for days, now I’m lucky if I can even get maybe two hours with some, and with others, five minutes. What happened?

Obviously, life. But I mean, no, really, what happened? Did I suddenly become someone you no longer want to deal with, or did something happen to you that’s brought on this change? Have I finally worn out my welcome with you, you’ve grown so tired of me and my ridiculous, needy, emotionally charged worthless ass that you’ve just decided to shut me out and hope I get the picture and leave you alone?

I just...

I don’t fucking know anymore.

I’m sorry.

[big-tiddy-goth-ghoulfriend]

I wanna do something for my birthday but I’m bad at planning any kind of event that goes beyond “we all hang out at [friend]’s house and get drunk”. I really don’t wanna spend another birthday by myself, it hurt too much last year. But I also don’t wanna go through the trouble to set something up only for no one to be able to go because of work, previous plans, no money, etc., you know? It’s like that feeling when you send invitations to your whole third grade class and no one shows up. That feeling is worse than spending your birthday alone, I think. Because at least if you don’t try to plan anything, all you have to deal with is the loneliness due to your laziness or lack of creativity. It’s just because you didn’t try, not because no one wanted to spend time with you badly enough to make room for your birthday. “I brought this upon myself” is a lot easier to deal with than “no one likes me”.

[trulymightypotato]

I'll be honest with you guys, I need to let out a lot of emotions right now, and it's gonna get chaotic and probably concerning. Unfortunately, I don't know how to put a Read More in on mobile, so I'm gonna put a bunch of spaces in and hope the formatting sticks. Consider this the Read More and a warning to scroll away if you don't want to read it. I've had a really emotionally rough day. I've been waiting for one of my parents to talk to me about something, instead of making offhand comments that could mean just about anything, and I've been waiting for over a week. I started a new series on my YouTube today, which is still something I'm highly anxious about anyway. I've tried hard to build a safe world for myself online, where it doesn't matter if I miss a social cue or don't realize something I'm doing isn't what was asked of me or that I think I'm following the rules and say or do something that's not -- because these are all things I have to worry about no matter where I go or how much I practice. Where my depression and anxiety don't usually follow me and I can concentrate through the ADHD people don't believe exists. A world I can be safe in, even if only for a little while. I thought I had succeeded in building that world, but I had an experience earlier today that shattered that perception. I'm not comfortable telling you what it was, or what happened, because I'm aware it's entirely my fault -- even if I'm not sure how I broke a rule in a social group, I know the rule was broken. The second I realized what had happened, it felt like everything came crashing down on me. Again, I'm not comfortable sharing exactly what went through my mind. I've been so overloaded for the past bit that it's taken me an hour and a half to even get ready to try and sleep. And while I know messing up was my fault, I shouldn't have had such a strong reaction to realizing I'd messed up, I don't think. But I did. Someone else's reaction to my messing up reminded me of a time I've tried my best to forget but still haunts me to this day. It reminded me of all the times I've been told I'm a failure because I didn't understand until after I messed up. It reminded me of a time when there was nothing more I wanted to do than step in front of a moving train. It reminded me of all the times I've been punished and still can't figure out why. It reminded me of all the friends I've lost, and my parents telling me that if I'd just been a better friend or a better person, then the person would have stayed my friend. It reminded me why I don't trust myself or my own judgement when it comes to socializing. It reminded me of all the times I've been accused of lying or making things up, when what I remember is different than what other people remember. Everything came crashing down at once, and I've never felt the need for someone to hug and cry on more, because I'm not sure if I can handle this.

[sugirandom]

Ughh first thing in the morning and she’s already on my case and this time it’s for not going to breakfast with mom and dad and being tired. She comments about how I have to get back to exercising. Ughhh she just needs to leave me alone and let me  breathe!

After our fight yesterday I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

[aflawedcircle]

I've been super stressed out lately with a lot of things. Trying to transfer schools and having trouble doing so. Lots of problems with my car and concerns I can't afford to fix it all before it just gives up and breaks down on me. difficulties at work and being told my jobs basically on the line cause of angry comments from douchebags that won't listen to reason. My health and rapid increase with my back problems and my anxiety. And now my roommates saying that they're moving out and I just can't afford everything by myself so I get to add facing homelessness into the mix too. My whole life feels like it's falling apart right now. I just want to go to sleep on some railroad tracks.

[lenauphydas]

I’ve been thynking alot tonight... probably more than is necessarily good for me. About... Wyl, alot of things.

All the things I care about... Heh, thats not a very long list anymore. And everything I hate. Naturally the former list contains a total of... what, three things? no, four. Only one of which is physically real. And the latter contains.. Wyl, just about everything.

I mean its not lyke all-consuming hatred is somehow my natural state of affairs or anything. Its just... I guess I feel a bit lyke I’ve been pushed into it. I mean... Not just hatred, but so many other feelings as well that I’m used to now... Or that are lost in me.

I mean, for starters, I used to be... I dont know if saying ‘happy’ is the riht word because naturally that always depends on the situation. Maybe saying ‘energetic’ might be closer to what I mean. and certainly more diligent. I mean, I guess I feel lyke I used to try harder, if that makes sense.

Now I can hardly convince myself to do much other than sit here and listen to music. I mean... No, that isnt quite right. Everything comes out the wrong way, it always sounds lyke im saying something im not.

Wyl that was quite a tangent, but I’ve got to get back to what I was talking about.

I’ve just been thynking about what I wanted and how, I would have it be.. And I guess it inspired a sense of, desperation. Lyke, because I know so fervently how it should be, and that just makes how wrong everything is, seem more... Real, I guess. Harder to avoid, or just ignore.

And theres just so much I dont know and so much to fear. I guess the weight of my own self-hatred for such... specific things makes me forget all the other things I care about. And... I’ve always tried to distance myself from this. I just try to ignore anything I feel, because I cant afford to pay attention, but everything just keeps getting worse, and worse, and it never lets up and... *sigh* Maybe for a week I would have been ok. I know I would have, really. A month. A year, even. But it just keeps going on and on and on... And nothing ever goes the way it should.

And with trends lyke that, it sure doesnt seem lyke I’d have much of a reason to hope for anything. But somehow I just wont stop trying, but at this point I dont know if I even want to anymore. Sometimes I wish I could just... STop. Just give up, or not care. But I cant. I guess I just care too much for that.

And so many times now I’ve thought that I’d reached my limit, but I never really do. It just keeps getting worse and worse, and I just keep... Gritting my teeth and making it through. But the price of merely surviving... *sigh* This is the price. I’m not even alive, not really. I dont sleep right, I dont eat right, I dont feel right. All I can ever thynk about is the... Things echoing inside my head. And the things I do to make it stop...

And gods I hate it so much. And abyss, I hate myself so much. And now I guess thats all I have... Hatred. Its kynda funny, in a way. Theres so many things I tried to love and now all but one have gone in some way or another, whether as betrayal or the price of my own idiocy.

So the only logical conclusion I can draw is that the only thing I still care about can only be there just to make it hurt more when its taken away. Abyss, I dont want to believe that, but, with the way my life has gone, how can I expect any different?

Abyss I hate this! Its not even one specific thing, its, a thousand little symptoms of some greater, darker malaise. Little perversities crawling in my skin which coalesce to form some avatar of corruption. I could name some of the more generalized things of course; I could give name to facets of it, but it wouldnt be sufficient to explain the true face of Corruption.

Abyss, I shouldnt be lyke this... You... We shouldnt... Please, tell me you can see that for yourself? I dont want to be alone with this, because this is all I have. Because on my own, this is all thats left of me...

*sigh* Damn it all to the abyss. Just damn it all.

“Finally breaking, so where are you now? its been such a long time, that I’ve tried to live without! I’m suffocating, I need you to breathe! So reach down and pull me up, pull me out, before I am buried beneath!”