#ender's babbling

[enderblogs-26]

Facial hair dysphoria hasn’t been bugging me, recently, because it seems everyone that lets a little grow is older than me. The brain just goes, “See? You’re just not old enough yet.” …. Then I see a dude, a little bit younger than me, posted a picture on FB. He’s got what I want and it looks soooo good. Now I’m sad all over again, because I’ll probably not be stating T until after graduation. :(

My parents are accepting. They’re just concerned I won’t really be happy, and they don’t understand the processes of T and top. I try educating them, but nothing. …. I’m pushing them too much, I know…. But god, when you’ve been waiting for this to happen naturally since second grade….

I’m just tired and sad, and I’ll eventually get over it. Not because it doesn’t matter, probably because I’ll see my angel and suddenly I can’t think about anything else. (He’s good at that lol.) …. I still worry about me being trans and him getting bored. Like, I know I know, he’s not that kind of person. He wouldn’t do that to me. The general anxiety of it all is still there, though.

….

I don’t know what the purpose of this was. Just wish I could wake up one day and everything be right, you know? It’d make a lot of things easier.

[enderblogs-26]

So, apparently, if you get a job under a certain name, that name will be listed with any actions you took on your credit report, for the rest of your life. Ex, a maiden name, name from a former marriage, or, you know, a birth name you're literally working to get the money to change. I am. Upset. I was planning on getting a job (or two) this summer to start gettin dat money for everything, but if it means that name will follow me for the rest of my life?? Not gonna happen. As much as I need a job, and a much as I want a job, I will not let that happen. This completely ruins every plan I had, and can possibly push my surgery date goal back. Thanks a lot, America.

[enderblogs-26]

I got the results back from that hormone level test I got last Friday. They said my levels were normal. Before I started those pills to regulate my cycle, which I've been on for about two years, my T levels were higher than average for afab's. .... It's good to know I'm not trans because of high T levels, but it kinda hurts to know my body was doing what I wanted it to do before I started those pills. I was on the right track, and then I messed myself up.

There again, had they not put me on those pills, I would've continued to be irregular, and might have had more health issues without those added hormones. With my family's medical history, and my ED putting me out of whack, my low E would probably have put me in a worse situation, where it would have made it more difficult to get on T.

Speaking of T....

When mom passed along the results, I told her how weird it was, and how I was sure it'd be higher. She said the next step was to go back to the gyno in the summer for an annual, and start the conversation about T then. SHE said that! I asked if it could be sooner, like in February or March, and she said we could try. DUDE. That's awesome! I don't see me going off these pills until after Europe, but with how far she's come, I can see a gender therapist appointment happening around the end of Beauty and The Beast, which is in March.

[enderblogs-26]

Some friends decided we'd have a tran q&a in class, today....

friend: So, are your parents….?

me: Ah, they’re getting there. I like to say there’s three steps to acceptance: 1. acknowledgement, 2. acceptance, and 3. embracement. They’re still working on step two.

friend: Dang, that stinks.

me, laughing: Eh, you know, it is what it is. (friends give me weird looks) I tend to laugh about it because I know within, like a few months, they’ll come around. (slight silence) And, I mean, if you can’t laugh about stuff, what can you do?

[enderblogs-26]

Okay so, buzzfeed put up a video about grown men trying to earn Girl Scout badges (actually, badges and a Try-It). V funny, v good content. I really liked what one of the guys said near the end, something like, “I’m man enough to be a Girl Scout.” And I really like that?? Like a lot?? I’m still in GS, actually planning on this year being my last, as I hope to start T after my troop goes to Europe and I personally think it’d be weird for me. Idk. But anyway, I really like that. At the end, the lady who I assumed to be the leader told the guys how they wouldn’t make great Girl Scouts, but that they’d make great Girl Scout leaders. I really like that, too. Cause right now, I have a problem with going in and leading the little girl troop, (the troop of Daisies, Brownies, Juniors, and Cadettes that mom and I lead) because I’m trying to exit GS slowly so that it’s not a huge void in my life once I really am done after this trip. But you know what? I can still lead. I can still walk in the door and teach these girls how to lead, how to navigate their world, and how to be the awesome girls I know they are. It doesn’t matter that I’m a boy, it doesn’t matter that I plan to start medically transitioning within the year, it only matters that I know how to lead, and teach them how to lead. And teach them how to get out of school to sell cookies, but REGARDLESS. Lol

My point is, I’m feeling super happy about this, and strangely validated, in a way.

[enderblogs-26]

Just got my passport for Europe. :D

I’m not excited as I thought I’d be, but I’m still excited. It’s just, the full deadname is right there next to the F, and just, gaaaah.

[enderblogs-26]

Sometimes, I'll go a while without hearing my name, and I'll start to wonder if it really fits me, or if I would rather use one of the "normal names" I had picked out a while ago. But then I'll meet up with friends or see someone at the store, and they'll call me by name. "Hey, Ender!" Every single time, I'll feel all happy and validated, and think, "Yeah, this is good. This is right. This is me."

[enderblogs-26]

Sometimes, I think about what I wasn't able to do, and I get sad. Stuff like roll around and goof off with the guys in middle school, walk around downtown with some close friends on a Saturday night, and get that 15-year-old growth spurt that makes people taller than their moms.

But then I think about the things I did, and the things I'll be able to do in the future.

Like goofing off with my best friend in Girl Scouts, spending the night on Club Penguin, then Minecraft, talking with her, having sleepovers at both of our houses, and growing up with someone I know will walk around Europe and see the world with me.

All of a sudden, I don't feel sad, anymore.