#endlesss text rambles

[xultang]

It's atrange

I'll go days, weeks ,months even without thinking of you and suddenly I'm flooding in old memories and healed scars. Why did we hate each other so much but stayed together? Was it ever love?

I'm writing it out in hopes that if I have it written somewhere that it'll finally leave my thoughts. That you......would leave my thoughts. I know that the thought of me sickens you, because yours disgusts me.

But the smallest sliver of me is grateful you're still there. And I hate that. I don't like that I feel any kind of good from it.

And aside from Lioness, I know you still see my name everywhere. I hope it fucking haunts you like you do me.

[xultang]

Well, I feel like I've gone in circles only to go down the drain. Tried to light a old spark with a great love and we never broken up with each other. We always had to separate due to our circumstances but now, after flying out here and doing what I could, there's little to nothing left. I can feel that darkness creeping up again. The need to burn myself alive while in a blacked out room. I just want to fade away or become something unrecognizable. This trip has broken me down in ways I didn't think I'd ever feel again and I believe it triggered some kind of relationship PTSD in me.

I want to be better but I just keep being told I'm still the same so maybe I should just stop...........just stop being...idk. This....break-up if we want to call it that, has really stirred up all these things inside me and I'm trying not to let it get to me because I'm at the airport but it's so hard. I just want to cry all night. I hate feeling this way ....I fucking hate feeling this again

[xultang]

To relive the memory

Or

To relive the pain?

[xultang]

This is the only place I can talk to the void. Why are we friends if we never talk? Is everything para social these days?.....*sigh* you used to make time for me regardless of the situation and now, the situation dictates how much you talk to me. I can see you talking to other people but not me... Why are we friends? Why did you agree to be friends with me if you actually don't like me? When I try to talk to you, you just talk to me like a random. Did our time mean nothing......do I mean nothing?

[xultang]

Damn I haven't gotten any human anons since January. Has my Tumblr really fallen off ? I miss you guys. Please don't abandon me.

[xultang]

I'm so glad I get to get more smoke later. I've been having all these weird dreams. I dreamt about getting rejected and used by some random girl I barely know, and in that same dream, she was murdered by the roommates I was living with. One escaped and one got hurt trying to run from the scene and I winded up breaking their legs. I'm not sure why this dream was so violent.

[xultang]

Making friends suck. And we're in a timeline where socializing is reducing. I miss having a little crew to be around or just another person to hang with. I know we all have our own lives but we make time for the ones we want around and it seems no one has time for me. I want to accept the fact that I should consider just being alone, but it's hard. I've been primarily by myself for almost 2 years now and idk man. Maybe the loneliness has finally caught up to me. Maybe this is what I deserve for how I treated people before. I hope something changes or things improve. I understand it takes effort on my end too and I am still trying. The night makes these thoughts so apparent and I can't help but try to find some way to salve the hurt.

[xultang]

Another strange dream;

So I was in this room that looked like a small bedroom. Me and 3 others were led to believe that the room was a hostel but was actually a tourist trap. We got locked in the room and were gassed. When we woke up, the room looked entirely different(perhaps moved to another room).

The room looked like one of the dirty rooms you'd see in Silent Hill. Rust colored liquid stained walls, but the floors were some kind of wood. Under pur belongings we found dead rats and bugs crawling. I'm not sure why our things were there but when this guy had pulled all of his jackets and clothes out of his bag, he started to bang on the door for help. I think he was trying to find his medicine but our bags have been seen through.

Two cartel looking guys came up to the door and opened it. The taller man had this neon decorative sawn off shotty. He gun butt's the tourist face, smashing his nose and laughing at him. I had a drawstring backpack with a knife, ids and probably a balaclava. I could see in the hallway that it looked like we were in some.backroom to a tattoo shop(I'm guessing somewhere in Mexico or South America). The bag was on a glass display counter, so I took my chances while they laughed at the tourist.

The taller man laughed at me as I tried to take the gun from him(damn dream strength) he smacked me with it across the face but didn't knock me out. The smaller man just laughed as we fought in the hallway. I landed a punch and he just smirked at me, so I kicked his right knee and he buckled down. Trying to catch himself on the glass, I ran his head into it with both hands, bent his hand back with the gun then aimed it at him. I pulled the trigger *clink clink*. It was a goddamn glass gun. It wasn't even functional. The smaller guy tried to grab me and I smacked him with it so hard it broke. I then tried to run out with my bag.

As soon as I made it outside, I ran across the street to run behind cars. They started shooting real guns at that point. I ran down an alley and before I reached the end of it, I had woken up to weed whackers outside of my window lol. Dream me is a spy.