Midnight stupid decision time. I don't want attention, I just want to tell you this dark side of me.
I ranted everything on Twitter and it's annoying pressing Enter after the quota finishes
While living in Japan I had all the symptoms of depression, except suicidal
tendencies.
That's the only reason I don't completely consider myself as one suffering from depression was because I have a friend who has it at times.
Back then every time I got depressed I ran away from doing work, and on weekends I ride a train an hour or two away and get back and splurge on food. I still do; Thus the hour-long drive out to nowhere and cuak tak tau jalan celah mana dah nak balik ni. I went with the dormitory rules, because breaking it would make me worry about the penalties, making me more depressed, so I'm just not into breaking the written law for some reason, ever since I was a kid.
I travelled to almost all the 47 prefectures of Japan (except Okinawa) solely by train and a ferry for 3 weeks, not wanting to even see a glimpse of anything that reminded me of my final year project.
Not depressing enough? That actually sounds fun right?
I cried at least once a week (alright maybe not, but it was quite often) in my room for feeling useless, and for no reason sometimes. Read Surah Yassin a few times until I stopped crying to calm myself down.
To distract myself from the bottled up stress and the unfinished work, I churned out songs way beyond necessary. I’d still not get anything done until literally an hour or two before submitting.
I knew well that it was not the people around me; it wasn't bullying or any kind of physical or mental abuse, it was I who had a problem.
So I cried and begged my mother for two hours over Skype to allow me to not pursue my degree in Japan, even if it’s just for another two years.
Because I know well that I might break, and God knows how I might break; I've had a period where I conjured gory homicidal images of people I hated or angry with when I was younger.
No exclusions; it could be anyone. I've hit myself so hard in the head with my fist repeatedly when I feel really stupid (quite often) or when I get really pissed off and can't do anything about it. Not to the point of bleeding but that's effed up still, no? For a young teen nonetheless.
But never mind, I'm OK now. I think I am. I'd like to think I am. I have a wonderful and sometimes annoying family, wonderful friends who remind me of where I belong and stand, and a soul who sees the most hideous side of me and still thinks I'm beautiful.
I admit I do feel challenged seeing the perfect versions of me in other people (Think Daiyan Trisha; she's cute, lovable, an active outdoor sport person, people like her, she juggles acting singing drawing and studying and still manages to get a dean's list every time, and to top it off, got offered a place in Cardiff and Manchester University; yes I stalk her a lot)
But I know this too shall pass and every time I feel down I'd drive to nowhere and go to sleep to reset my hormones and not expecting anything remotely exciting to happen throughout the day at all the second I wake up, that's when the magic usually happens.
