My Second Entranced
This was my second year at Entranced. I went into the event dreading it. I went in ready for the worst and yearning to bask in the final embers of the trash fire that Entranced had seemingly become. I was ready to be accosted, berated and belittled by attendees. I went in already tired, already miserable, already feeling like a hated failure. I cried and bitched while I packed. I sobbed on my way there. I did not want to go to Entranced. I wanted to be done with it.
Rewind -
Last year, after going to a hypnokink class, my partner suggested that we go to the local hypnosis convention. We met amazing people. We learned that there were other people that liked mixing their kink and body horror. We had a fantastic time. And by the end of the weekend, I was asked to be a member of concom. I was flattered and excited so I said yes. What I’d seen that year was a con that emphasized consent. People who valued nonsexual kink and play. I saw a concom that heard people of color talking about their struggles and immediately encouraged an uncon discussion so that people could learn more about the issues they don’t see and might contribute to. I thought it’d be fun to contribute to the con, even if I did have some brain weasels suggesting that I was only asked to be on concom to be the token black girl. It didn’t matter, it was going to be great and I was going to get to help with an event I thought was super great!
Fast Forward -
The lead up to the con was the worst it has ever been. Everyone said so. I almost quit more times than I could count. This was not my mess and I should just nope the fuck out. I didn’t do that and then I felt stuck.
I lost sleep as I watched my friends and people I had held in high regard rip each other to shreds and then try and piss on the pieces. I bared witness as concom members and community members alike retraumatized each other and grew ill. I tried to help and steward as much as I could but grew ill myself. I did this while grad school abused me, while one of my partnerships imploded and the other suffered, while I nearly lost my home due to gentrification and unethical property management companies, while I struggled to find a good employment fit, while my housing destabilized again. I struggled to try and help hold shit together and build new policy as I experienced one of the worst and longest mixed episodes I’ve ever had.
Between stubborn arrogance, missing stairs with connections, attempts to weaponize process, poor decisions, fatigue fueled negligence, temper tantrum fueled legal threats, hurt filled name calling, and so much other shit there was nothing good left. Nobody came out looking good. Everything was miserable and worthless. I’d agreed to help run a sinking ship because I didn’t know anything about it before I hopped aboard.
By the time we got to June, I had an 11 page document that I’d been the primary person working on, an unhealthy amount of disgust and bitterness, extra responsibility, and most other areas of the con had gone neglected due to attempts at community engagement, lost concom members, and tangents into absurdity that I still can’t detail. I still wanted to quit but I didn’t because we’d lost too many people already. I didn’t leave, but I was ready for Entranced to die. And dying it was. Nobody wanted to do this anymore, this hobby was making us all sick and needed to go. Nobody would miss Entranced, it was a shitshow that had made too may fuck ups in the handling of incidents. Fuck it.
I wanted to finish killing Entranced.
And then, a few weeks before con, it happened. And I really thought that I had killed Entranced with my decision to stick to my guns and force the issue. For the second time in 6 months we lost a con chair and mentor. I thought that we were done.
But it didn’t end. Instead we three remaining concom took on more. We were all tired, all so done with this process. I became registration, hotel liaison, publicity, volunteer/DM coordinator, and orientation presenter as well as teaching my new Hypnosis and needles class.
I was seething. I wanted none of it and yet.
But with mere days left, people started coming together. An amazing person single-handedly solved our empty dungeon issue. People overwhelmed us with offers of help and I was able to roll with every last minute volunteer and DM drop and schedule switch, but I was still frustrated and wary.
Con -
2018 was my second Entranced. I didn’t really know many people and I was was running a very large amount of the con. I walked into the hotel ready for war. I walked in full of spite, anger and hurt. But I also walked in determined.
Long before me the Entranced ConCom had made mistakes. They had hurt people. People had developed grudges and it just made it worse on all sides. That should not have been my mess. But if I was going to be in charge, I was damn well going to do my best to ensure that there were no more messes like the ones from before.
We got things going. Orientation went relatively well, despite the crowd for the first session being too big for the hotel AC to handle. I made last minute request and adjustments with the hotel and with help we got all the supplies where they needed to go.
Honestly, the weekend was a blur. I was doing so much. Working with the hotel, doing orientations, collaborating with the consent team, managing volunteers, facilitating dungeon set-up and breakdown, making store runs, and all the other things that required my attention.
People were pretty nice overall. Most people were helpful and understanding when plans were vague or had to be shifted. Over the weekend people were grateful and passionate about the con and it was infectious. By Saturday night, I no longer wanted to bathe in the blood of a dead con (even if the damn elevators were broken). I saw people caring. I heard what the con meant to people. I was able to talk with some people and get more perspectives. Even people who had been hurt and betrayed by leadership want the con, or a new con, to continue as long as it continues to improve.
Sunday I got to teach, play with my partner, and play games. I was exhausted and in pain, but I was finally having fun and having real interactions. Teaching went ok, but I lost my outline and forgot some stuff. I want to thank everyone who played One Night Ultimate Werewolf. I had such an amazing time with you all.
Nonetheless, much of the time I still felt alone. I went to bed alone as my partner enjoyed herself. (As she should, she had to deal with me and my surly misery. It was time for her to have some fun.) I cried a lot, some in private, some not so much. I was honest in the round table about some of the struggle and my inability to do anything like this year again. My partner and I ate dinner alone Sunday night. I still don’t know many people and I sure as fuck still don’t know who, if anyone, I can trust. However, I now am open to the Chicago con not being totally dead. I’m even open to possibly helping lead it if I can build a strong, stable, ethical team. I love many aspects of the hypno community too and I do think that I want to continue facilitating space for people to learn and enjoy hypnosis. I want to help make the hypno side of the kink community more welcoming and friendly for people of color, especially queer people of color. So, the more I think about it, the more I think that with the right people I board, I’ll keep working on a Midwest/Chicago hypno con.