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Warning: murder, erased spoilers, rape mention, cussing, abuse mention, family issues

See? Look at how relieved he looks :,C

Okay— but in the rooftop scene, before Gaku lets go of the wheelchair, he’s crying, and his eyes are wide. He doesn’t look sad, he looks relieved. As he lets go of the wheelchair, his eyes go brown again and he stands up, about to end it up. If you ever read the manga, you’d know that Gaku has the thread himself, and he kills people with the thread. So, Gaku is relieved, finally feeling free to go because he’s realized he can’t live without Spice. Now, I shouldn’t sympathize for a murderer, but he had a shit child hood, and felt the obligation to play the role of Buddha and Kandata, finding those to give the thread, but knocking them down and cutting the thread. Letting Satoru go, was his way of letting the thread go and accepting that he’ll never be good. That he’ll always be a sinner. And this realization is heart breaking.

Honestly. Don’t just over look this, because I’m serious. Gaku was fucked up from the start, yes, I get it, but he didn’t get there on his own. His brother would beat him, out of jealousy, because Gaku earned the attention of their RICH, POPULAR parents! Gaku never asked to be smarter. Hence, he acts like the abuse didn’t affect him, but it obviously did.

There wasn’t much detail, but I’m willing to bet that their parents didn’t treat either of them good, especially Gaku’s brother. They both probably didn’t get any positive attention unless they got good grades or achieved something. So, the only attention either of them got was the violence, so therefore violence is all they know!

And even more, Gaku’s brother forced him to help RAPE little girls, made Gaku BRIBE them. Just so Gaku wouldn’t have to get beat up anymore. This went on until Gaku’s brother murdered a little girl, made Gaku hide said body, and hid it from anybody. Imagine being a little kid having to keep that to yourself? Hell to the fuck no no no.

Furious, Gaku is so so so fucking furious and outraged by his brother that he KILLS him, imagine being 10 and feeling to need to kill your own sibling because they murdered somebody. And it was all perfect, made it look like it was out of guilt. Christ. Gaku feels the need to kill people with the thread because they’re bad, hell! He knows he’s bad, because he sees the thread on himself after he murders his wife.

I can see how Gaku is remorseful, yes, he’s so apathetic and sadistic, but that’s because he doesn’t know how to FEEL. All he knows how to feel is that adrenaline! That’s all he knows how to feel. Being provoked violently spikes adrenaline. From a young age, all Gaku knew was the heart racing and fight or flight. Fucker chose fight.

I can’t help but feel bad. He sees the threads, which are connected to sinners. Gaku himself knows he’s a sinner. It must feel like having the weight on your shoulders to know who’s a bad person, to feel the obligation to murder them and clean the world. Then having to know that you’re evil, too. That must be soul crushing.

Then again, Gaku had attachment issues, all the way. Has attachment issues to Satoru. Literally! He realized he cannot LIVE WITHOUT HIM!! People, please! This man is fuck from the inside out. Upside down, sideways, vertically, horizontally, every which way! Mentally! He doesn’t know how to interact with anything but violence.

On the rooftop, he’s crying because he can’t decide whether to kill Satoru to get rid of his killing instinct, or to kill them both. He decided to do them both. That realization in his eyes when he realizes it shouldn’t be his job to kill is so… so… sad. You can see it. He goes from rage to relief in a moment, getting so relieved and happy to let go on that thread, to stop the dull throb from the burn of his weight tugging on the thin silk.

Just imagine being in his place. Nobody should want or have to be in that place, nobody. :C