Midnight Pals: Mormon Space Whales
[space coven] Eric James Stone: submitted for the approval of space coven, I call this the tale of the swales Stone: you might even call it Stone: a swale of a tale Stone: ha ha ha
Stone: so there's a race of impossibly ancient, impossibly gigantic beings made of pure plasma discovered living in the flaming nuclear heart of the sun Stone: they're called sun whales Stone: or Stone: for short Stone: swales HG Wells: nice Jules Verne: haha i get it Verne: short for sun whale
Stone: of course this is a real sea change for humanity Stone: the big question is how will this affect mormonism
HG Wells: yes interesting, such a discovery would definitely challenge the core tenets of a faith L Ron Hubbard: not my faith Wells: no of course not Wells: not your faith
Wells: but still, discovering impossibly old, god-like aliens would present some real challenges to a religion Stone: yeah Stone: like how do we convert them? Wells: that wasn't really what i had in mind
Stone: it's gonna be hard to send missionaries to the sun Stone: you need more than a bicycle helmet to protect you from 5000 degrees K
Stone: anyway there's a mormon guy in the sun colony Stone: and he has managed to convert a few of these impossibly ancient, impossibly huge fire aliens to mormonism HG Wells: Jules Verne: Stone: through cunning arguments and moral reasoning
Stone: now the sun scientists don't like that he's converting the swales Stone: the scientists are all "boo! hiss! you're contaminating the swales with your silly mormon fairy tales! only the cold logic of soulless science is permitted!" Stone: but don't worry Stone: [glancing at CTR ring] we'll fix that
Stone: here's the problem, the swales don't have a taboo against rape in their culture Stone: so when a swale in this guy's congregation gets raped Stone: it's really a great opportunity to proselytize
Stone: the scientist is all "boo! hiss! you can't introduce sexual shame to the swales!" Stone: but this mormon guy is determined Stone: the swales only respect one thing Stone: and that's girth Stone: they're all major size queens
Stone: it turns out that in swale society, if you're older, larger and more powerful you can can freely sexually abuse younger smaller more vulnerable people Stone: well, we don't stand for that sort of thing in the LDS! Verne: Wells: Stone: i mean in theory
Stone: so the mormon goes to the biggest swale Stone: if he can get THIS swale on board with sex taboos, then the rest will follow Stone: maybe he can get them to do soaking instead Stone: or just look at bubble porn
Stone: and the mormon is all "you think you're pretty big" Stone: "but you know what's bigger than you?" Stone: "the love of mormon God" Stone: and the biggest swale is all "wow, you've given me a lot to think about"
Stone: at the end of the day, the biggest swale doesn't convert Stone: but the big swale is so impressed by the mormon guy's plucky tenacity Stone: that she declares that no swale should rape a mormon swale from now on Stone: they can only rape unaffiliated swales Stone: so that's a real win
Stone: so anyway we've had a lot of fun today Stone: [sitting on chair backwards] but maybe now we can "rap" a little about "the good news" Stone: i've got some pamphlets
