Sometimes I’m like there’s no way that I read that fic even if it says I’ve already left kudos!!! Like, I would have remembered THIS. Like it’s so GOOD. But then I remember that month in 2012 where I read like 50k+ words of merthur fic a day and go yeah maybe I did
It’s fucked up that the Star of David will now be associated with hate/ considered a hate symbol. Just as Zionism has become synonymous with Judaism. Just as the swastika from Hindu was dirtied w/ nazi bullshit. All of this is fucked up.
I’m so fkn annoyed 🥹 I didn’t graduate idk how many times I have to say it. Like fuck you for making me repeat myself. Not like it’s one of my biggest regrets or anything 😬🫥
My best friend got me a birthday shout out from one of my fav IG ppls 😭🥹🥲 he told her I was turning 21 lmaaaaoooooo but omg I keep watching it I love ha so MUCH
so last week i was held up in a hotel because i worked at ass oclock in the morning and wasnt going to commute that shit! it took me 15 minutes to get to work. 😌
tomorrow im back to driving 2.5 hours from home and i hate that for me. 🥹 i should just suck it up and find roomshare because that's somewhat affordable (lets be real its sill sky high) but BUT BUUUUUT
but i also do not want to live with ANYONE. i can't do it no MO yall. so ima stick it out. and just do what i do best. bitch about it.
Y’all this new commute is kicking my ASS! I drive about 6 hours in a day 😭
I left to work at 5am and barely got home now at 9!! Fucking folk need to calm down on them streets we all got one goal and that’s forward. But when you got nascar wanna be pulling tricks in the 50mph work zone and scary ass mf in the fast lane for no reason and getting spooked by the nascars bullshit we all finna have a bad time !!
yall when i say it's a fuckin struggle every damn time.
CW depression, suicide, drug/alcohol abuse, poverty, sexualized violence, fallacy of the american dream, first generation college student bullshit
Going to go way back because I want to and this feeling/story deserves some context.
I was a pretty shitty student in high school. I was constantly in school suspension, high/drunk, I stole shit out of peoples lockers. So I ended up in a continuation school or alternative ed. I swear to god if it wasn't for that school i wouldn't have done half the shit i did today.
Like the classroom size was about 15-20 students to 1 teacher??? and like, there was actually school resources for each student? like books were okay to take home, because they had enough for everyone. unlike my prev regular hs where books were only kept at school because they didn't have enough copies to give to everyone. and at this cont ed my teachers actually gave a fuck and they were all generous and invested and extremely encouraging in all our varying identities and expressions. there was cool shit they called "quests" where i was introduced to shit like the opera and hiking. i was a science camp counselor 3 years in a row because i fell in love with it. and decided oh yeah, that's exactly what i wanted to do. something with the environment and people.
so like from then on my teachers were like super encouraging and supportive (like bro, two of them drove up 6 hours to see me walk for undergrad), and were like yo, here is college that we think you would like (the camp director actually was a prev graduate) and i was obsessed. i ended up going to this program that allowed me to take college classes at my local cc while i was still in high school. dude, i ended up graduating early and with a few college units already under my belt.
my whole goal for the next two years was to get transferred to my school. and home girl did it. never thought i would have gotten that far. my parents didn't. i was the first person in my immediate family to go to college. and that meant something huge for me. anyway, somewhere along the lower division work i got more excited about anthropology. and transferred out and declared anthropology major with a minor in environmental planning. the first two semesters were rough. i was like barely holding on with c's. i made the realization in that first year that i was overwhelmed with school. like already burned out and got caught up in the university social life. of course i did what a lot of us do-- binge drink and missed morning classes and smoked a shit ton of weed (my college was pretty notorious for this).
i was just always sad from missing my family, hometown and in culture shock. because here i was, a brown person, in a white ass town. where the only places i could find ingredients to make my peoples food were on four shelfs in a designated ethnic aisle in my corner market or a couple of cites away at the specialty store. like you don't know the amount of micro-agressions i'd experienced during my time there.
and then of course i was sad because i was messing up school. and i got on academic probation. the next year i brought up my grades. one semester i started attending group therapy of survivors of sexual abuse and got involved with some campus events/programs that advocated for survivors and the ending of rape culture. this brought up a lot for me. and i fell into a deep depression. started prozac and i swear that was the reason that i almost committed (plus my nightmares and terrors have always been bad but they were never as bad as during that period). all this resulted in getting expelled.
i ended up finding really good friends there, one of which paid for my rent for 4 months before i got my shit together. i took a job at mcdonalds a city away, that i had to take a bus which ran at unreliable hours. and i made it work. took me half of the year to talk to a counselor at my school to see what i could do to get back to school. so i spent a semester at the local cc to earn qualifying gpa to get reinstated at my university. and was. from then on it was still hard as shit, but i was doing it.
but then i was realizing that the friends i made there were leaving/graduating (who were truly my anchors one of which passed away in 2022), my uncle, grandpa (my abuser), and aunt died withinn a few years of each other, and my job was stressful. school was A LOT. but the semester before i walked the stage i was on the fucking honor roll. like?????? and i had 2 core classes and 1 elective that i needed to finish my degree. so my family came up, my teachers came up. and my best friends came up. and like i walked and it was a good day. and then all i had to do was finish up the fall semester 2 core, 1 elective. but money was tight and my depression had me drinking and smoking more often. and i dont know, i fucked it up. failed that entire fucking semester.
and when i was out of money (because i quit mcdonalds to focus on school and was cruising on student loans), i had no choice but to go back home. i couldn't afford to go back to that cc and redo the whole reinstatement thing again. and i was tired. of school and my own bullshit and being fucking sad. so in 2015 i was back home.
honestly the lowest period in my life. never felt more like a piece of shit. and i felt a lot of shame for a long time. and i still feel it sometimes. when i go job hunting. because i have to put down things like "some college" "highest education: general education" "120 units"
took me a year to find a job. worked as a sbutt barista for 4 years before i said ima go into healthcare because i needed something different and stable. so i went to a vocational school for another thousands of dollars and earned a certificate to be a pharm tech.
though im very content with what im doing now. and proud of how far i've come. far and vastly different from what it might have been if i stayed in that regular high school, stayed in my hometown, did something like customer service or warehouse work like the rest of my family... i still feel that shame. i still have nightmares about missing assignments and being told that i cant come back and being late for classes.
and when i was applying for the job i just got, i had to put another unexplained and confusing answer to education history. and their HR just reached out to me today saying the couldn't confirm my background check for that school or even my community college. so i had to get transcripts from both. and i looked them over. and it made me feel terrible. terrible that i was so close but fucked it up.
made me feel like ....not smart enough or good enough. made me feel like a south side statistic (which is a loaded statement because of my internalized prejudice/hatred).
but theses are feelings and ideas and trappings i've lived in cycle for about 5-6 years now and i intend to let myself out of that cycle. i've reduced my drinking, rid my self of relationships that weren't healthy for me, up to date on my physical health, seeing a therapist, in group therapy, and taking medication for depression and anxiety.
so ima have a little cry. tell myself what i always do--
that was something that happened. it was sad that that happened. but i cannot change that it happened. i can only choose to continue to cultivate ways that will enrich my life. i am doing my best. i will continue to do my best.
