❝ I’m with you. You weren’t alone. You were never alone. ❞ ( from thalia :') )
even when he was being comforted, grover couldn’t soothe the regret boiling inside of him.
grover was used to it, the guilt that coiled deep in the pit of his stomach, like a viper waiting to strike —— he wasn’t, after all, unfamiliar with the concept of failure, much less some “perfect” keeper that never made a single mistake. he was used to the little bouts of stress whenever he accidentally put his hoof in the wrong place, or let unwise words slip through his teeth in front of his superiors —— he could handle mr. d and his attitude (even if he didn’t want to), and the way the older satyr’s seemed to be embarrassed for him. but with thalia, it was…it was different. she wasn’t all flowers and sunshine, by any means, but she didn’t treat grover like his peers; she didn’t act like he had failed her, or been the one at fault for what happened.
the underwood knew that he hadn’t been entirely the one to blame. but still, he costed them precious time, and probably would have killed all of them —— luke, annabeth, thalia, and himself —— had he fumbled about like a fool for any longer; and that wasted time had resulted in the death of one of the demigods under his care, because he couldn’t so much as fight back and save her. he remembered these things each time he saw thalia, alive and well —— heart stopping each and every time she appeared before him, chest tightening at the sound of her voice.
grover knew he was not completely responsible for her downfall. yet, standing here in her presence, feeling so tiny compared to her, he couldn’t help but think otherwise.
when he was snapped from his thoughts, the quivering of his figure just barely visible, he tries to conjure something to say in response. his brain felt so scattered in the moment, the creature only drawing the point of his hoof against the grass beneath him more anxiously as his silence grew —— until he finally spoke up, offering the first words that came to mind.
it comes out broken, weak; breath hitching unexpectedly and ruining the seemingly smooth flow of his words. grover doesn’t bother acknowledging the tears that now blur his vision, burning his eyes and slowly beginning to slick his cheeks. absentmindedly, shoulders hunched, and slit-pupiled eyes became intently focused on the ground. he loathed this whole thing; being unable to so much as look her in the eye, or form a composed, comprehensible sentence. it was awful. pathetic, even. that’s probably what mr. d would say, on a good day. but he can’t just keep skirting around this, acting like he was fine and he hadn’t totally messed up. he couldn’t.
he also knew he couldn’t just avoid her forever.
hesitantly, he took a step forward —— one hoof reluctant to touch the ground, officially put him closer to her. but once it met soft earth, body feeling ten times heavier, grover slumped forward, shakily embracing thalia and burying his face in her shoulder (ready to quickly step back should she protest at the gesture).
❛ th — thalia, i —— i’m so so – sorry… ❜
(i’m sorry for leaving you. i’m sorry for not fighting beside your side like i should have. i’m sorry for having been too weak to help you. i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry.)
