@nodamnsel , bonnie bennett.
i hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. i was afraid, terrified of a life without you. but a life where you found yourself resenting me would’ve been far too much to bear. there’s a part of me that knows writing you is a mistake, putting you at risk with your father, your very future ; it’s entirely unlike me. yet i sit here, love, with an ache in chest and my heart in my hands.
i cannot stomach the way we left things a few night’s past — me, adamant that all i’ll ever be good for is working the roads, hands only meant for callouses and monotony. nothing but a distant memory in your rearview mirror. and you. . . . you with the world before you. you were made for more, for something great, something extraordinary and far beyond the constraints of this town. far beyond me. your father convinced me he was right, that i was nothing but a ball and chain holding you back.
but that’s the thing, love — if letting you go was the right thing to do, then why do i feel more alone than i ever have ? why do i feel that letting you slip between my fingers was the mistake ? i should’ve never let you go without me, i shouldn’t have said what i had — i was hurting, my tragically poetic mind a damned hindrance. but i know now that that isn’t how we end, bonnie bennett. i never told you but, i don’t have a family. you’ve asked me of my parents’ whereabouts and i’ve given you nothing but dodgy, backwards responses. it’s not because i didn’t trust you, or because i didn’t want you to know every part of me, for you know i do, but it’s because i’ve been alone since they left. they abandoned me when i was just a boy, and i only ever felt whole again since you. since the very moment i first laid eyes on you that evening at the carnival. i remember your smile beaming down at us from the top of the ferris wheel, our eyes met and your smile receded just a fraction. it softened, and so did my heart.
i don’t expect you to come running back into my arms, darling. but allow me to run into yours. tell me to come to new york, tell me that you want me there and i’ll bloody be there. i love you, more than i ever thought possible.
sincerely and most ardently yours,
lorenzo
