#eundaily

[ejhryeong]

Give the good the goodness it deserves

Sometimes I feel people need to have a little more faith in being positive. Just because it has failed you a few times, doesn't mean it will fail you forever. If you keep having the thought that positiveness is not going to happen, you are basically not giving it a chance to come near.

And if you feel like they somehow failed you since forever, then maybe what you were experiencing wasn't positiveness. It was having expectations. If you are expecting positiveness to be everything sugary and nice, then maybe it's time to look from the right place.

Being positive is not always about getting what you want or having things going your way all the time. Being positive is not about always being happy, or be entirely free from sadness and bad emotions. Being positive is not always "the more, the better'.

Being positive is about finding the good in the bad. Being positive is believing better things are coming when things are not going your way. Being positive is about knowing what makes you tick or what makes you happy. Being positive is about understanding that less can possibly be more. Being positive is knowing that sometimes, removing certain things in life allows you to move even more forward.

Being positive is like finding that sweet aftertaste when drinking coffee - Not everyone can taste it the first time, but once you can find and appreciate the sweetness that comes after, you would see that life can be a lot more rewarding; and might even fall in love with it.

It may be a bitter battle, but it will be a worthy battle.

[ejhryeong]

Ignorance is a silent friend

I really love constructive conversations with drivers. They really open up my eyes to this society and how often people are struggling through their day-to-day. Just because you can't see the problems doesn't mean they are not there.

You know life is really getting the hell out of this person when he can actually open up to stranger. And it makes me wonder exactly how many people out there are just dying to be heard by others. I’m not a talker but I always feel happy that people are willing to open up to me and speak of their problems. Sometimes, or most of the time, people just want a listening ear. 

It’s always occurrences like this that makes me self-reflect and think about what I have and should be thankful for. The journey was merely a 20-minute ride but I’m getting so much thoughts and feelings from it. They usually make my day a lot, and I’m really, really thankful for that.

And it’s really fascinating to me that strangers are more appreciative of your acts towards them than the people who are closest to you. Words like “It was nice talking to you” can really make a person feel a lot better about themselves. 

I told him thank you and all the best. I sincerely hope things will turn out better for him in time to come.

I’m rooting for everyone of you out there.  

[ejhryeong]

Mask

I'll become the one you wish and want to love, even if that's not who I really am. As long as you - the one who I love - stay.

[ejhryeong]

Everyday is a lesson learnt. Every one deserves to be understood.

It has always been like this - For every one person who crossed paths with me, I gained something. An insight, a perspective, a new personality I’ve never met, a motivation, or just pure sense of contentment.

I’ve always believed that there’s always a reason why I met who I met, even if this person was only present in one part of my journey. Loss is inevitable, and it may not necessary come in the form of death. We can lose things and people even when they don’t cease to exist. But I guess those losses are the hardest to deal with, since you know at heart that they are still there, just not as a part of your life anymore.

But if every loss is a lesson learnt, then each gain is a new chapter, waiting to be understood. And these chapters, like the ones you find in books, come in different length, different story, different knowledge, different ways to be understood by. It can be a long-winded chapter that got you to understand that the world is made up different people, or it can be a really short, 2-sentence chapter that made you understood what kind of people you want to have in your life. It could be 20-page long chapter, but all it got you was general knowledge. Or it could just be a paragraph-long one, but all the words hit close to your home, in this sense, your heart.

And the moment we get passed a chapter, some traces of if it may remain in the next. And the next of next, or maybe even till the end. Or they may just be a one-time experience, and you will never find traces of them as you move on, ever again.

But one thing’s for sure - they will always be changing your way of things, your perspective. You will take on each chapter with a different persona, a different self. You will never be who you were at chapter 1 while reading chapter 6. What you took from each chapter shapes your perspective on the next, no matter how small of an impact.

Because for every new chapter you start, you are a whole new person to begin with.

[ejhryeong]

I’m sorry

For abandoning you while trying to make life work. 

I can’t wait to write again. 

But for now, please don’t lose faith in me. Please know that I still want this dream of mine.

I just need the space in between life and dream, so that I can breathe. 

[ejhryeong]

Misconception

I guess a lot of my friends and the people around me have this misconception about my views towards marriage. It’s not that I do not want to find life partner, and it’s not that I don’t see the importance of having a partner. But I just want to take this chance to point out the reason for my whole perception on marriage.

“Marriage is redundant,”

I’ve been telling all my friends and even subtly conveying this to my parents that I do not find the meaning in marriage. But that doesn’t mean I do not want to have a partner for the rest of my life. These are two very different things.

To be redundant means being unnecessary, to be nothing of added value. To me, marriage is a whole step of useless procedure in life. You see, many people have this imprint on marriage that only when going through this stage of life means you want or love a person enough to be with them forever. But I beg to differ. A lot.

I can love my other half the same (or even more) the way a wife loves her husband. My feelings won’t change just because I went through a marriage. If I love him, then that will just mean I love him. Being married or not does not change that fact at all.

Like how there are always tags to words like boyfriend/girlfriend, people always place a lot of baggage with the word marriage. A lot of people think that once you are married or in a marriage, you secure what we call the “forever love” title. But has anyone ever realised how fragile the word itself is?

Like being in a relationship, there’s always a risk of break up. And in marriage, there’s always a risk of getting a divorce. A marriage does not assure that your other half would not have a change in time to come. Yes, maybe he/she will stay for the responsibility part, but was that the reason you got married to begin with? That you want responsibility and not because you marry each other out of feelings and love?

My point is - If I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone, then it doesn’t matter if I go through a marriage or not. Because I’m already set about being with this person till the day I die, and going through a marriage will not change anything. If I want to commit, I will. And I don’t need a marriage to anchor my commitment or my responsibilities down in this ship. It shouldn’t work that way. The commitments, the sense of responsibility should be coming from your own willingness to do so, and not from the idea of “because you are married so you need to commit”. 

In fact, marriage to me is just a piece of paper and probably a part of the government’s plan to exploit money from their citizens (Opps). And if you do see me getting married, the only reason will probably be because of legal issues i.e. housing, children etc.  

I’ll probably add more pointers once my brain remembers them. I can go on forever to people who do not understand my point of view. But then again, people can only see what they wish to see. I can prove my points like how I prove a mathematical equation, but at the end of the day, I will still have people telling me that it’s because “I’m still not at the age to think maturely,” 

Why thank you, I’d like to think that I’m still young at heart too. (: 

[ejhryeong]

이해 없어 왜

I’ve come to accept that I’m unlike most people in this land. I’ve come to accept that I’m very different from who people see me as. I’ve come to accept that I’m just a really sad person, that I always do not see the reasons in things, the purpose in living. 

I used to be so hung up about searching for meaning. But the more I do, the more I lose the idea that we are made out of them. What do we mean? What do we exactly represent? Who are we? 

Years ago, I hated myself for being so.. depressed. So negative, so unmotivated. I killed myself so many times inside my head because I was weak. I screamed at myself to wake up, that this world is not what I own, that it doesn’t revolves around me. I kept telling myself that I need to keep up with this place I was forced to call home, when it wasn’t a choice to begin with.

It’s so unfair, life that is. We don’t get to give consent whether we want to be part of this meaningless scene. Yet, we are being thrown out to survive on our own, when it was never our intention to begin with. I don’t want to survive, I don’t want to live. But I’m given a life anyway, so what can I do with it?

That’s the thing. I didn’t ask for it! I didn’t ask for a life so why am I being made to pay for it? Maybe life, unlike what people believe, is not a gift but an act of karma. 

Bad karma.

Assuming that reincarnation does happen, given a human life is the worst punishment one could ever get. So much to deal with, so much to take in. But yet, nothing tells you how to deal with them, how to take them in. 

Some might say, I need something to believe in. In fact, I do. I believe in the meaninglessness in life, I believe that we are all serving our sin as human beings, I believe that we are something forced out of nothing. Which is probably why we will never understand life as it is because there was nothing to understand to begin with.  

I don’t know. I like how I’ve accepted the fact that I am like this - Such gray, depressed floater. I do not ask for people to understand me anymore, because at this stage, my acceptance for my own self has opened up the greatest liberty ever since. 

People will try to burst my bubble, but know that I’m the creator of my own, and I can always make my bubbles and live in it again. 

[ejhryeong]

Why

She wanted a life, but she was denied one. 

Times like this just makes me feel ashamed to be alive. I, who knows near nothing about what I want. I, who knows no dreams as solid as her’s. And here I am, given a life, to be wasted and to rot.

She was not afraid to go after what she wanted. She was living them, she was seeing them through. So why? Why did she have to have her life ripped off of her just like that? 

And the fact that she didn’t see it coming. She couldn’t prepare.

It’s so unfair.

I so desperately want to pass her my life just so she can fulfill all her dreams, I’ll feel better living that way. If I could give time, I would give it to those who deserve it more than me. 

I don’t want this kind of luxury, it guilts me. I don’t deserve time, let alone wasting it like it was a given.

I hate the fact that death is an irreversible process. You can’t choose not to die when you are dying. But death could come as a choice when you are well and alive. And how death could fall upon you even when you want to be alive, but life can never reach you while you are dying.

I hate this world.