Human Recall Announcement
— By Evan Waite & River Clegg | July 25, 2024
A Humananatomy Drawing on an Old Canvas. Illustration From Getty Images
For Immediate Release
The Creator is announcing a recall of approximately 8.1 billion Homo sapiens because of health issues, safety concerns, and the annoying way some of them chew. These mammals were erroneously delivered to Earth with faulty brain wiring that makes them prone to violent outbursts, racially motivated hatred, and unjustifiably confident karaoke performances.
The defects go well beyond human minds, however. The Almighty admits that the recalled species has countless design flaws, including:
A big, dumb head.
Arms that hang down like sausage links.
Knees that resemble bruised grapefruits.
Genitals that make no sense at all.
Only two nostrils when a third would have been way cooler.
“I deeply regret the errors that went into the manufacturing of these bipeds,” the Supreme Being said. “We take pride in our work here at Heavenly Solutions, L.L.C., and vow to do better in the future.”
Humans have been a failure on virtually every level, according to the Divine One. Only eleven per cent of them trim their toenails with any regularity. Also, they accept easily disprovable information as long as it corresponds to their existing beliefs—especially if that information comes from a guy selling unregulated testosterone pills with a visibly aroused ox on the label.
As for the errors that went into the manufacture of these higher primates, the Almighty blames a cascading series of oversights. First off, there’s Frank. Frank is the quality-control angel whose job it is to weed out the sociopaths in each shipment. Unfortunately, Frank’s mother had shingles when humans were coming off the assembly line, so he was out that day.
But the fact that Frank’s mother got shingles in the first place caused several other angels to go on strike. Apparently, they thought that angels couldn’t get sick—a misguided belief that the Heavenly Father has deemed “wackadoo.” This angel strike led to the formation of a labor union whose legitimacy the Prime Mover still refuses to acknowledge, and now five Organism Development Plants have been shuttered, dashing any hope that Earth would soon see its first centaur.
While this recall should have come several hundred thousand years sooner—when the species discovered fire and instantly all became pyros—the Creator confesses that humans have turned out worse than even He anticipated. They invented nuclear weapons. They carried out mass deforestation. They left their stupid flag on the moon. “I now see that I should have trusted my first instinct,” the Omnipotent One admitted, “which was to pull the plug on the hominid project as soon as I realized that their ears should actually be on their chests so that they could hear forward.”
The Creator stresses that the recall only applies to humans, and that He fully stands behind all other life-forms, including newts, palm trees, gorillas, and those frogs which are also drugs. Furthermore, He is fully aware that this recall may cause confusion among other species, like lobsters, who may wonder why no one is trapping them or slapping butter on their backs. Nevertheless, the Great Deity maintains that this is what’s required to eradicate the clothed brutes who competitively chug liquid that makes them crash their cars.
The Absolute Being has issued strict instructions for how other species should react if they encounter a human before the recall takes effect. Bears should maul; eels should bite; hippos should stomp in as grisly a manner as possible. As a bonus, the Creator would like to note, expired humans can be returned to the Earth in exchange for nutrients that support more worthwhile beings. Worms, for instance. ♦
— Evan Waite is a co-executive producer on Fox’s “Family Guy.” His first humor book, “Life Wants You Dead,” will be published in April, 2024. — River Clegg is a contributor to McSweeney’s and the Onion, among other Publications.
