‘When’ becomes ‘If’
“I didn’t know my heart could sink like a stone so rapidly in my heart.
It was a split second, a simple correction, absent minded and tossed away.
But in my head and my heart, that subtle shift in syntax meant all the difference.
‘When’ has changed to ‘If.’
Perhaps this has happened long before this moment, but never have you said it out loud. The sharp juxtaposition of definiteness to uncertainty.
The sharp turn of words cuts like a knife, and I desperately try to recover from the ground crumbling from under me, threatening to completely collapse if I react the wrong way. The once stable foundation we created together now has cracks made from doubt, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t act as though they don’t exist. Every so often I fall into a crack and experience the feeling of vacancy; total and utter abandonment from the bricks made of promises; promises made of “Always,” “Forever,” and “When.”
I accept that nothing can be certain, and isn’t it better to be safe than sorry?
But love is keeping those promises anyway, even and especially when doubt creeps in.
So now I’m left with Ifs instead of Whens, Maybes instead of Yes’s, and an empty feeling in my chest where those sure words used to be.
While Maybe is better than No, there is an unpredictable unsteadiness in the great and terrible possibility of Maybe, and while it may be more realistic, I’d rather stay naive than live with the unsure pain in the shadows of our love, ready to strike and destroy any structure we’ve built.
If only we could have kept the promises anyway.”
