#ex fwb

[never-dissever]

Dreamt I married Jonny and it was a massive wedding, one of us was royal or something because it was in a huge palace. We had a formal first dance right away. We were happy.

Jonny is married to someone else in real life 😂 and I haven't talked to him in about a month. So idk where this is coming from other than my brain fucking with me lol

[frugalhoe]

My ex showed up at my vanilla job last night 🙃

I havent seen or spoken to him in 8 or 9 months.

He said he went to my house the other day but I didnt answer the door.

He seems like he wants to get back together. That's not happening. He doesn't change.

It was upsetting seeing him. He's caused me a lot of pain over the years.

6/30/19

[never-dissever]

It still kills me that he's married 😭

I fucked myself over staying with John as long as I did.

[frugalhoe]

Really enjoying conversations with my fwb lately 😇

2/25/19

[frugalhoe]

Ex primary fwb

Last night when I was thinking with my pussy and not my brain...I caved and texted my ex primary fwb :/ I broke things off again about 9 months ago but still missed him (well, the good things about him). 

He responded a few hours later and we texted a bit. He didn’t seem angry etc. 

Not sure where things will go from here. 

10/7/18

[serenityandstardust]

Him: Your tan looks good.

Me: You drove by?

Him: Yeah, and you look good.

Me: Wanna come over?

Him: Yeah, I do.

[drennalynspast]

[ goodbye old friend ]

Tuesday, Jun. 08, 2010

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMLrGCfFOgk

Si deus me relinquit, 

Ego deum relinquo.

Solus oppressus nigram clavem habere potest,

Omnias ianuas praecludo

Sic omnias precationes obsigno.Sed qui me defendet?

Ab me terribilissimo ipse.

---------------------------------------

If God has forsaken me, 

Then I shall forsake God, too.

Only the oppressed may possess a black key,

I close all doors Thus I seal away all prayers.

However who protects me? From the most frightful: myself 

______________________________________  

After the fall 2009 semester he left wford without telling me goodbye. A couple weeks earlier that December month, he asked if i could hang out with him.  I was contemplating it, but in the end i decided not to.  I was going to probably see him one last time before he left, but i thought that the moment he asked me was too early.  (i presumed he would ask me again).  Anyway, kristy, my female friend, hung out with him. I was uncomfortable about her doing that.  I stated my opinion that it probably wasn’t a good idea, and he would likely hurt/and try to make a move on her if she saw him more.  She didn’t listen.  I couldn’t force her to stop hanging out with him.

And whaddya know, she later told me how he tried to kiss her and told her how he kept thinking about kissing her.  He joked with stuff such as want to make out? loljkjk  she then told me how he was still texting her.  It was to a point where i was all, “i think it’s best if you don’t mention about him (and what he says to you) to me anymore.” kinda sucks that she ignored my warnings in the first place.  But oh well, she had it coming.

I blocked him from facebook.  I deleted him from msn.  I didn’t want to talk to him anymore.  at the same time, part of me was aching to say something to him.  why? Why are you such a lying faggot? Why do you claim to not want a relationship or random play  yet you still joke about it? Of all the people you could have hit on, why did it have to be my fucking best friend?  i wanted to tell him how i didn’t see any new reform or change in him like he said he would try to become.  Or apartment rooms are relatively close on the same neighborhood.  One day i drove by and i could see that his car was no longer there.  I knew he had moved out. It seemed like he had -respected- my wishes of not trying to contact me anymore and try to harass me to stay his friend. At some point i felt like i still tasted some defeat - a defeat because i never got to say a final farewell and give my last words to him.  

I still have pictures of him on my hard drive, but i realize how i never went back and looked at them. I  never. 

 I still have some msn chat logs of his that i haven’t deleted. I haven’t looked back at those either.  I deleted his number off my cellphone as well as his past text messages.

On graduation ceremony day this may, i heard his name called out.  Apparently dave came down to wford for that day just to walk.  He never contacted me at all during the spring semester or the end of the ceremony.  I never saw how he looked or where he was.  There were quite a number of individuals there, and i hardly paid attention to anyone specifically. At this point, i can say it’s all dead.  He is gone ,  and he eliminated me from his life.

Sometimes i wonder and think about how he feels now.- if he misses me or regrets fucking up.  i don’t have anymore grudges or spite. I simply can’t completely forget about him, but i am able to move on and not ruminate worry the past experiences. He was the first guy i had sex with, the first close straight guy friend i had, and first/last friend with benefits.

I have no regrets for starting that benefits thing with him.  I was well aware of the repercussions that would entail in the future.  I thought i knew myself back then.  I thought i understood how people were.  I was wrong. 

After the whole ordeal, it made me more cautious about men and how they think and feel.  I shouldn’t put so much trust in someone so easily.  If i have suspicious vibes, it is probably for a reason.  

I no longer crave for meaningless sex. I can be that type of person who can handle one night stands or fuck buddies.  Well i haven’t tried a one night stand before but >.> i don’t think i will bother.  After the whole dave ordeal, i learned about myself a lot more.  I learned about how i view myself, what i prioritize and how to battle with my conflicting thoughts concerning passion, lust, deceit and friendship.

I dislike instability.  i seek something of permanence . for now I have learned about the value of true relationships and how they may be more of worth for me.  this current online relationship with tom may be naive, foolish or hopeless when i sometimes think about our uncertain future outlook.  As of right now, i don’t consider myself chained down by anything.  I could face a possibility of being hurt in the future, but right now, i have nothing lose.  So i might as well feel something right now or else i will miss an opportunity to experience. temporary comfort. To live is to take risks

[drennalynspast]

[ Early 2010 ]

Tuesday, Jun. 08, 2010

Typed in early 2010... Good god.  I haven’t been keeping up with my journal.  I recall writing some bullshit entries for my counselor session, but maybe I deleted the files after I typed them up.  way to go >.>.  I  have 23972398 entries typed, but I forget to upload them on d-land.

Anywho, I will try to summarize shit that happened in the Fall 2009 semester. I managed to escape my jury summon. The court clerk pardoned me due to the fact that I reside in a different county and that inhibited my ability to attend the court session (and also add the fact that I have to go to school)

I sucked at the GRE exam.  I took it the 2nd time, and my scores did improve, but nothing outstanding and possibly worthy of me getting accepted to a got Physical Therapy school >.<

I went to a party with my friend.  We both got pretty drunk.  There was this guy who was hitting on me.  We were in the garage together alone.  He asked if he could kiss me.  I said “sorry, I already have someone".  And then I left the garage.  The creeper started to hit on my friend in the garage like an hour later.  They were almost about to start doing something until her female friend and I interrupted them.   I am pretty proud of myself for my ability to refuse a sexual proposal when I was under the influence of alcohol.  I am disappointed that I should have kept more of an eye on my friend.

Alright, now onto the more dramatic scenario in regards to the situation between dave and i. I blocked him on msn.  He still had another email that I forgot to block too.  He confronted me about how I blocked him.  I felt sorry and decided not to block the other email address too.   Sometimes he would message me or I would message him about small talk or asking questions.

Whenever he would see me walk between classes, we would say hi. Other times, we would carry out a longer conversation.  He would mention about the old times he missed with just hanging out with me and still insisted that i hang out with him to give him a chance at renewing our friendship.  

I eventually gave in.  One day, I went over to his place to hang out.  We saw “paranormal activity”, ate pizza, smoked hookah (my first time).  It was alright.  I then felt guilty afterwards for hanging out with him.  I know jack and tom hate dave a lot. If i told them i hung out with him, they would be disappointed in me. 

I didn’t log on msn that night. Tom felt really worried that i didn’t respond to his call or msn message.  I eventually sent tom a message on msn, but he was asleep.  In the morning, i did my part in painfully explaining what i had done.  He wasn’t pleased, like i expected. 

I wanted to hang out with dave because i wanted to cure some sort of loneliness i had in me.  because i was living alone in my apartment, i wasn’t on campus much as i used to be. 

Thus, i had less contact with people.  i felt like if i could hang out with dave, it would distract me from my boredom.  He kept apologizing about what he did.   He told me how he has no intentions of trying to sexually connect with anyone else and how he is not ready for a relationship.