[ ye olden days ]

new blog [HERE]

[drennalynspast]

[ moving blogs ]

future entries will now be documented in http://drennalyn.tumblr.com .

writing this entry now on 5/22/2020, I unfortunately realize I am making the same mistakes from my past in some areas currently. But I do see improvement and growth in other areas too. 

[drennalynspast]

[ A Note on FWBS ]

Monday, Feb. 23, 2015

I don’t know what a normal FWB is since it all varies between the type of people involved.  But for it to be a considered a respectful “friendship”, then open communication is definitely a must.  Things must be said in the beginning to define boundaries and preferences.

Some people label it a fwb when they are actually in a “relationship’ and scared of labeling it and feeling under commitment and pressure. You have to be real with yourself and the other person in what you both are looking for out of it.

There is no foretelling what will occur during the progression of the fwb relationship. I would say that it s better to “assume that one person will never have romantic feelings for the other or will ‘change their mind to pursue it deeper than friendship level’. “ 

Some people will be clingy in the sense of being affectionate and physical. Some people will even go out on dates often. This can eventually cause confused emotions in people and make them question the level of the fwb. Other people can be resilient and still consider it just an easygoing fwb with no apparent emotional tension/questioning.

I’ve had a few different fwb situations in the past and tried to approach the next one slightly different;y. I’ve tried to evaluate what made some worse in experience (me mostly feeling hurt).  

First I tried to make it exclusive, but I got jealous and clingy. The other ones I just automatically assumed that they were chasing other women. With that already prepared mindset, I wouldn’t care as much or be shocked.

Now, I can’t handle fwbs anymore. If I ever did, I’m not going to do any of the hugging, kissing, cuddling outside of sex. No sleeping over. I can’t do the casual hangouts. I’d rather just see a dude once a week and not text them at all unless it were for sex.  It saves me the trouble of trying to question feelings.

Basically if you or the other person are prone to being “emotionally sensitive with feelings”, then you have to put stricter limits and boundaries on visiting/physical affection.

Otherwise, if you think you can handle it… I guess you can try to do whatever. But yes, constantly remind each other that you still see the other person as a friend and not have feelings for them.

[drennalynspast]

[ Searching within Myself ]

Tuesday, Jun. 24, 2014

"Kneel to your own self. Honor and worship your own being. God dwells within you as You."

" You don't have to 'do' anything to be God-realized or Self-realized, it is already your true and natural state." Just drop all seeking, turn your attention inward, and sacrifice your mind to the One Self radiating in the Heart of your very being. For this to be your own presently lived experience, Self-Inquiry is the one direct and immediate way." I had my first trip experience.  The location was a room that happened to be a brother of my ex.  His brother and I have gotten along just talking to each other and have been cool with just being friends.  Apparently it is taboo to be friends with your ex's brother.  But despite what other people think, I chose and did what I wanted to. I expressed interest in trying shrooms.  I am in no way, a drug user of any sort.  I don't believe in relying on a chemical to sustain myself on a frequent periodic time.  I hear stories about shrooms however and how it is an experience like no other.  That trip.  It is able to alter your mind and body a different way and present you a different or changed outlook in life.  That is what I read anyway.  Sometimes it can alter or change a person's personality.  It may be little and not permanent, but it depends on the person and how they will take what they learn and remember the trip and apply It to their daily life. As we know, I think and worry too much.-- Too much where it causes me stress, fear, anxiety, reluctance, guilt, sadness.   It is as if I am holding back and repressing something of myself for an attempt others.  I think to much,  in my head, I tell myself to stop.  But no matter how I try to talk to myself, I just can't get rid of that feeling of something denying my true wants and feelings.

My friend said I need to learn to calm down and not worry so much, relax.  And maybe this is something that would help me see things clearer.  I don't proclaim this to be a life solver or wonder drug, but in my personal experience, it is definitely worth the experience to try.   I don't know if I will permanently change for the better, but at least I have a memory burned in my head of what state I was in, the images I saw and how I felt.  Maybe I can go back and just think about that moment and remember that this is how I was and I felt: safe, calm, content.   The actual hallucination and haziness lasted for about 4 and half hours.  After that was just this lightheaded, tired, and lazy feeling that lingered for a while.  I was still calm afterwards.  I wanted to do my trip in the daytime so I could have time to sleep for the night and not disrupt my pattern.  We made sure to have plenty of food around as well as drinks for us.  I made sure to have a small amount for my first time.  I have a small body, so I wanted to play it safe.  My goal of the trip was to just try to experience some form of self discussion or self realization.  I didn't really care about trying to see different weird hallucinations. I also didn't want to have a bad trip where I felt terrible or scared for my first time.After about 20-30 minutes of chewing the shroom and swallowing it, I began my trip. I had this weird feeling in my stomach.  It was nauseated and I felt panicky or irritable, like any small thing would bother me.  I felt lightheaded and weightless.  My heart felt like it was pounding fast, but it wasn't really pumping a lot.  My friend pointed out a picture on the wall, it was a black and white picture of a skyline bridge.  He said he was moving.  I could not see it move.  I later looked at my surroundings; there were stenciled shadows along the walls. Some of them looked like ripple patterns.  I looked at this rolling work chair with a red polka dotted blanket over it.  I stared at it, and I could see the chair breathing and pulsating.  It was like it was a still object emanating life.  Some objects began to be blurry and hazy.   My friend would ask me something like, "are you okay? Do you need anything? Do you want to talk about what you see?"  and I said I was fine.  I didn't like talking about it.  I felt like talking about things out loud made me snap back to a more reality state of mind.  I would lose that hallucinated vision for a second when I would have to focus talking to him, and I just wanted to continue experiencing my experience for myself. I looked at the top of this hallway entrance and wall corridor.  I could see the top of the wood edge frame glowing.  It was a emitting a hazy blue smoke.  There were other colors around that glowed around it, making it look more interesting.   Another moment I felt like I had some tunnel vision or hazy vision where I was seeing double.  I looked at the right side of the room, and the objects started to have a mirror image of itself.  I was seeing two of each object.  The objects looked very bright, vibrant, also had a jelly/gummy/gelatinous texture to it.   I looked at his bicycle next to the wall.  I could see the shadows around the wheel spokes move and sway about.  I could see the bicycle frame bend and move, the pedal also moved.   It was interesting, and I kept staring at it. I closed my eyes, and I immediately saw shapes and colors in my mind.  They were free flowing about. I had no control of what I wanted to see. My mind drifted off and I carried along with it.  That feeling of closing my eyes and seeing images and listening to the Voice was more interesting to me than looking at the real life items with my eyes open.  I felt like I was transcended on a different level, and I wanted to go deeper and explore my thoughts. As I was starting to just enjoy or think about my closed visions, my friend stopped me and asked if I was sleeping, and I said no.  I didn't want to worry him. I was concerned that he wanted to talk about things, but the Voice was telling me not worry about what he thinks.  I should focus on myself and do this for myself.  Experience this trip for yourself and not talk about it right now.  Just focus on feeling.  I was glad that he didn't try to bother me too much or talk to me.   He was just making sure I was okay. He sat on the opposite side of the couch to observe me. While I was in my closed eyes state, I kept asking things, "what about, why am I, who is this, ?" The Voice told me not to ask questions.  The questions would complicate things, interfere with my feelings.   The Voice was a neutral tone. It was calm, not scary. It did not judge or criticize. It only guided me , I felt. I still had reluctance and doubt on things.  The Voice firmly told me, "Don't fight".   And so I tried not to fight.  I let go.   Throughout my discussion with the Voice,  I had visions in my mind of colors and shapes, lights, all shifting and changing its form.  It is like a kaleidoscope or a trippy screen saver you would see on a computer.  But some of these visions were more ethereal in a way, not of a solid nature.  It was like a liquid freeflowing feeling where you just bathe it.  It wasn't heavy or light.  It felt neutral, safe, calm.  I could see shapes and objects being deconstructed and reconstructed into new shapes/images.I had tears rolling down my cheeks.  I asked the Voice why am I crying.  The Voice told me to not question it. It told me I didn't have to be sad or happy, I was just crying. I did not feel sad in anyway.  IT wasn't extreme bliss either I don't think.   And the Voice continued to guide me about my life, who am I am, why I do it, what I should work towards, what the reality of it is.  The Voice told me I have too many boundaries. But those boundaries are fake and unnecessary.  It inhibits what I truly feel and want to think.  But I forget to establish my own true healthy boundaries.  I try to be something or someone that other people want me to be. I haven't been happy, because I was never who I truly was.  But I try to make other people happy.  My mind was just showing me to forget what they think and do what I should do for myself. Choose yourself.  Learn to be yourself. The Voice talked about time, past, present, and future.   The past, when I think about it, it hurts. But during this trip, I thought about the concept of the idea of a past and the word, and I didn't feel hurt. I felt nothing, just calmness. It was okay. The past doesn't have to mean anything as much as I make it seem like.  I thought about the future, and the Voice told me, "the future is empty."  I see an image of a tall scaffold right next to a building skyscraper window side.  The scaffold represented the idea of the future contained in a space.  It was next to the window. The window had a reflection of the cityscape building around it. 

 I could see the sunlight glowing around, the shapes of the buildings, the colors and highlights of the edges.  The scaffold was tall, high, an object. It wasn't filled up with anything.  It had a metal frame.   It was empty, weightless.  But that scene was able to project its own majestic beauty in its own way by having a window that showed a reflection of a breathtaking view.  It was simple, but it was still able to hold meaning in its way.  And that is what the Voice was trying to tell /show me.  When I think of the future, I think of this ominous heavy weight. There is fear, doubt, uncertainty.  I have to fill up that future with something, but it could feel unpleasant. I might have a to work on a status, title, and if I fail, my future would be nothing and meaningless.   I thought of an object like a black heavy ball to relate to my concept of the future.  Seeing the scaffold as the future made me feel inspired, calm, happy.   We all work to a future where we try to be happy, where we think we have to work or do something to make it meaningful.  But the future is already meaningful and beautiful as it is -- empty.  I don't have to be scared or worry.  What I need to do is just enjoy my life now. Make the most of it.  Because if I can't be happy now and know what joy is now, then the future will mean nothing.  It will just be the same as the present.  The future is empty and it is waiting to be filled.  But we already try to make a plan where it must be filled now with our actions and behavior.   The future is always changing and unpredictable. We can't fight or struggle. Sometimes we just need to appreciate things as they simply are and slowly build things up as time progresses. The Voice told me about time. How it can be a thing that causes stress with just the name and concept of itself. We are a slave to time.  It creates barriers and restrictions by limiting things. Time dictates what we must do or have complete.  And that adds stress. It is important to be mindful of time. We cannot control how it flows and cannot stop it. It controls us.   But what we can do is to learn to make use of how we exist in time. I learned about confidence and labels.  The Voice asked me if I was confident.  I said I don't have a lot. And then the Voice asked me, "do you trust yourself?" and then I started to think about myself, but my mind would drift off to the thought of "others". The Voice told me I need to learn to trust myself more.  Even if I am wrong or offend others, that feeling of having a trust in yourself is what makes you feel stronger.  It isn't about right or wrong. Eliminate all barriers of right/wrong, good/bad.  There is no terms -- Just feeling and feelings are Truth.  Trust is confidence.  Trust is what I need to gain, it isn't confidence.  I overcomplicate things by associating a term to automatically label how I should feel based on how other people use it.  People say confidence is a good thing.  But confidence is something that is hard to obtain for people and it can be seen as weak if you don't exhibit it.  But trust is something that is a core, important component.   It is hard to describe, it was like trust was a better label for me that didn't intimidate what I needed to learn.   If you learn to trust and love yourself more,  you will be strong.  The ability to love yourself no matter what you do, right or wrong, able to forgive yourself and still carry on is what is important.   Words have such a profound impact in how I think and feel.  They can be like knives stabbing into me.  I started thinking about the people I've had interactions with and what they would think and feel of me.  The Voice told me to stop fighting, stop thinking.  They are all the same when it comes to the core concept of just words.  Words are just words. They can hurt.  It hurts to hear hurtful words for someone you know and care about than from someone with a stranger.  But my trip helped show and make me realize that a stranger and loved one can say the same hurtful thing.  It hurts less to hear it from the stranger.  There was an image that was trying to erase a picture of a person in my mind. They were being dissipated. Words, are just words. They can be said from anyone.  The person who says it doesn't have to matter.  Don't think about one person. Anyone can say it.  But other people don't matter. My mind helped me just erase things and just focus on myself more, appreciate myself.  It is okay to be myself.  

It kept reminding me that when I eliminate labels, it makes everything better. They are just simple feelings.  And feelings don't have to have a label.  These feelings are your own.  No one can control or take away from you.  You choose to have these feelings when people say things to you.  They might not have ill intentions or trying to hurt me, but I perceive myself feeling hurt in some way based on what or how they said it.  I can just let the words, concrete concept of words, not bother me.  Don't worry. Don't care so much about it. Throughout the trip experience my friend and I changed the location to go to his room.  I looked at the curtains and bed.  I saw that there were so many defined wrinkles.  It was very surreal, 3d prominent, floating. The curtain looked like it was breathing.  There was a black and white picture of a different cityscape bridge on his night stand.  I could see the colors and shapes in the image swirl, bleed, glow, and twinkle in a way.  It was like the picture was depicting its night life in real time. He told me not to look at myself in the bathroom mirror because it tends to freak people out if they see themselves in a trip.  I went with what he said and didn't look at it.  When I was in the bathroom, I asked myself if I should look in the mirror.  The Voice said, "no don't look in the mirror. You will be scared, trust me".   I replied to the Voice, "okay, I won't look".  I laid on his bed. My friend asked if it was okay if he could lay down too on it. I said it was okay.  He asked if he could cuddle with me, and I was in this relaxed and "whatever, don't care mode".  He laid his arm around me.  I didn't feel anything. I felt comfort, but it didn't have to have a meaning and I for once, didn't try to find a meaning in it.  The whole thing made me question the Voice about physical touch and intimacy. Sex and relationships seem to be sticky thing for me as well.  When I have sex or even if I hug or touch someone, it feels emotional.  Like I want a connection with the person or I am expecting the person to have a connection with me -- like they have to be with me longer and be committed.  But I just learn to enjoy the moment now, don't worry about if it turns into something, if it means something.  Touching is just a touch -- no feelings, no thinking. I thought about myself and how, even with my friend and roommate, how I preferred to have moments where I just am by myself.  Like I just want to be in this room by myself or just close my eyes and think only by myself and for myself.  I find comfort and peace with this solaced solitude.  The Voice was telling me, "see you like being alone. You are happy alone.  You are okay being alone.  This is what peace and comfort is like. Yet you try to invite other people or seek other people into your life that disrupts what peace and comfort you feel.  Why do you need to do that? Is it necessary? You already are able to find happiness within yourself and you don't have to seek other people as  a way to provide or show you happiness."   I eventually got to a feeling where things were less freeflowing.  I wasn't swimming around as much in my mind.  Hallucinations in the present were diminished. The Voice that was present in my mind was slowly fading.  I was fighting to keep it in.  The Voice told me that it is okay.  I am ready to let go and remember the ideas and concepts of what I saw today.  Focus on feeling, not thinking so much. Don't fight.  Focus on loving and trusting myself.  Don't worry so much. Doesn't care as much as you think you should, but it is unhealthy that sometimes I don't care about things that I should be concerned about.  Like having an opinion for myself or doing things for myself that is in my better interest.  I told myself I had to pee. The Voice told me that it is okay to look in the mirror. It told me that I was ready to look at it now.  And when I do look at it, I need tell myself that, "I am ready.  It starts with Me today. I need to love myself". I think about the quote, "God dwells within you, as You", People may say that they have been having conversations with God in their trip.  But the Voice that I experienced --  it was My voice.  It was like an ancient repressed side of me that was suddenly channeled and awakened. It was all knowing.  It never judged or condemned me.   It wasn't worried about me or scared about me.  It was loving me, caressing me, saying that it is okay to have thoughts about things, but it was there to help explain and show things in a different way.  I told myself that I was weak and scared, worried.  But my voice was trying to calm me saying that I wasn't weak.  "You are strong and a good person."  It didn't say that to just try to make me feel better. When I heard it tell me it, I felt comforted. I didn't question it or deny it. I just accepted it and believed it at the time.  It told me it was okay to cry and to just let things go.  Like all this balled up stress, crush it and let it go.  So I was laying in bed shaking and tears were rolling down my cheeks.  I didn't feel scared though. I felt fine. I felt safe and okay.  Like that feeling of understanding that I do have strength.  I am not weak.   I felt like there is a part of me that is true, honest, real that is hibernating deep within me.  It cares about me.  It loves about me. It trusts me and watches over me.  And I need to protect and honor that being --- Myself.

[drennalynspast]

[ Men and Me ]

Friday, Feb. 14, 2014

it was in 2013 when i first ventured into the whole dating scene -- all at the age of 24. and some people have had multiple relationships or significant lasting ones or partners at the start of age 15. they've already been through the heartbreak and some have experienced and found their true love. </p><p>i suppose i am slowly figuring out how other people behave: their hidden agendas, ultimatums and the like. 

i've been through a friends with benefit scenario, i've been through long distance online, i've experienced a relationship in which it focused on more sex than intimacy and another relationship where it seemed to be intimate, but lacked sex and had some.. control/esteem issues involved.

i just seem to find myself in shit.  i haven't proclaimed love to anyone, and i haven't been able to label something as "serious" yet due to these things lasting at most 4 months so far. (the fwb and online thing is an exception)</p><p>i know that if one relationship or dating scenario fails, i tell myself i will just create an initial stratagem or mindset to go in the next time i approach another date differently. 

i finally fucking realize the concept of playing games. i finally understand why people may be initially cold hearted, closed, bitter, and some who are arrogant (who claim to just say it's positive trait called overconfidence) and just asses.  all of this: it's called being insecure.  it's trying to put up boundaries to not allow other people to hurt them.

i realize that i am just like them.  more like, sometimes i let my boundaries come completely down, and then i get hurt.  the next time, i don't want to be hurt as much anymore, so i just show less of myself. 

i put up a front.  i am a socially awkward, demure, morose female.  i like dark things. i don't smile a lot. i hate wearing bright colors. i  don't favor a delicate fashion style. i may seem like i am angry and standoffish.  i may seem cold and unaware.but deep down inside, i am just a female that yearns to find a mutual feeling of substantial acceptance, adoration and devotion.  i'm scared, sad, unsure of the unknown. i may not be confident in myself, but i have confidence in the other person.  i wish the best for them, i see the goodness in them even if they think they are a bad person. i want to be there for the person. i want to try my best to make the other person feel happy and valued. i am willing to do a lot of things for you. i put so much investment in you.  i may be slow to warm up, i may not show it so easily, but i do genuinely care.

despite how i feel deep down inside, i feel that it goes unnoticed, unappreciated, unaccepted and scrutinized by these men i have come across. i understand that maybe it is  just simply my type of persona that they may not be so attracted to.  i am creepy i suppose.  i like a lot of sex and kinks; i say weird things about how i jokingly want to kill you.  

about sex:  i like someone, and i refuse to have sex early. then the guy will just fucking run away because they get no sex.  scenario two, i like someone, i try not to have expectations of it turning into something so i have sex soon.  the person runs away even after one sex and i get butthurt.  scenario three, i am not interested in a guy's personality and i want to just use him for sex, he doesn't give me as much sex as i would like and goes missing for how many weeks.

moral of the story:  withholding sex and even giving sex too soon is -not- going to fucking get a guy to stick around for you for a while.  you think that you give them sex, hell yeah you like the sex and you want to keep having sex with the male, but somehow... some men just don't give a fuck about you. even if you are hot. they still want to chase other women.  it isn't the sex with one female they care about. they care about the chase, the hunt, the variety. your pussy doesn't matter them them. just giving your pussy once to them is enough satisfaction for them. i'll have an order of one pussy please, thanks and g'bye. 

i thought that just being myself i could just make it easier for myself to relax, have fun, be confident, be carefree.. real.  and somehow just revealing that side of myself to myself while the other person is just... not themselves in a way is rather odd.  i understand that if i be myself, it will allow myself to feel more hurt from the pain of rejection.  if i don't express myself fully, then i won't feel as hurt.  we put up barriers to protect ourselves.  i realize that being my true self may make it easier for other people to accept my true me and perhaps they may learn to take a liking from that.

i don't want to try to convince you to like me. i don't want to try to chase you.  i just want to go into something without pressure and worry.  i realize that yes, i am the one that needs to chill the fuck out and not care or expect someone to like me after the first date---  to consider me being a person they could imagine being with for a long while.  i suppose i fall for people too fast if i like them.

i have to understand that yeah... people will try to make statements to flatter the other person, to reel them into just getting them to meet them or get into their fucking pants.  and the moment they see a flaw, an annoyance or imperfection, some people just bolt and don't want to deal with it. maybe they aren't trying to purposely be a douchebag or cruel person.  they just "ain't got time for dat annoying shit".  

anyway, i just have to convince myself and tell myself that all fucking first dates are a lie. even the second and third one may be a lie too.  it's all just a scam-- an elaborate act or play.  people will say they are interested in you. they will say that you intrigue them and you are beautiful. they make plans or suggestions on doing stuff in the future "the next time".  the first meetings are pivotal in the sense of trying to... manipulate someone in trying to get a positive impression out of you.

holy shit, i may have just simplified my life a little easier with the idea of adopting this mindset. yes, be pessimistic. don't be naive.  don't be too trusting. don't give a fuck.  why the fucking hell should i try to be my "true self" in front of a person when the other person isn't being themselves either in the initial meetings. don't try to flatter me and then you lie through your teeth and not genuinely feel like you are into me that much. fuck all this fake bullshit.  

guard my heart. i need to protect myself.  

Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day.  NERDS CAN'T LOVE (inside joke)

[drennalynspast]

[ Online Relationships ]

Monday, Oct. 07, 2013

I’m going to recap several gaps in my life in which I haven’t focused a particular topic on. Online relationships have transformed me in a way in which I couldn’t have imagined. There are a lot of positive aspects as well as negative aspects to it. I used online relationships as a form of escapism from reality. It granted me immediate feedback, gratification and attention if I was lonely, stressed, and needed someone there.  The art of communicating with written words is something that helped me express myself more in depth and allow myself to be more open to the other online people.

t’s has been noted that my online friendships with people have lasted for several weeks, some several months, and others that lasted a year.  That feeling of greeting someone in the morning with an msn text and then closing an msn text before going to bed was a warm, cozy, reassuring feeling.  When I feel more open to someone, I feel comfortable around them and have some sort of emotional connection with that person.  A lot of my online friends were males. I could easily talk to them.  I will admit, a lot of it had to do with some sort of personal validation and being flattered from the praise and attention I received. 

Some of these friendships at first seemed like platonic friendships. Eventually it got to that point where I felt like I appreciated them more and wished to see them in person. I became jealous when I found out that they eventually got a girlfriend or wife.  At some points, I became confused if they just saw me as a friend or something more than a friend.  

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Thunder was my first online friend. We randomly became friends through a social networking site that my Indian friends introduced me to [the site].  He added me thinking I was 18+, but I lied about my age, and I was like 16-17 lolol.  He does some sort of computer graphic design or drawing tutorial work. He was kinda disappointed I was young, but we were just friends. Eventually I got older and was shocked he eventually found a wife from his workplace. I had no idea he was seeing anyone. We met each other in person once before he and his wife left to move to California. He and his wife were pleasant to be around. It was a positive meeting experience.  After he moved, we gradually communicated less and less. He divorced his wife. We remain FB friends.

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I met “J” through my sister. He was an admin on an anime forum. He basically helped give me emotional support through my struggles in freshman year in college while I battled loneliness and adjustment. He eventually found better employment somewhere and married a woman. Our communication dissipated quite a bit. Those phases of friendships come and go.

Being a part of that anime forum lead me to connect with a lot of other online people out there. Everyone was fairly around the same age, young and clueless about life with no obligations. I easily rose to awareness and attention by being sisters with a former moderator.  I posted my picture, and a lot of the male users complimented me and wanted to get to know me more.  One of those people stood out to me as far as being an amusing friend goes. And here I embarked on some sort of journey with Tom. 

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He was rather notorious on the forums, a bigshot member who posted frequently and was able to instill humor and witty jokes here and there.  I was impressed by his boldness and charisma.  We started out as friends. He became jealous of me when I went through that FWB phase with Dave. Eventually it lead to me being more than friends after a while. I clung to Tom when the whole Dave friendship failed. I just wanted someone to care about me and be there for me emotionally.  I wanted some substance. I wanted to have a boyfriend. I felt like I could be a “good girl” and hold off on sex. I didn't want to be a slutty girl who slept around with a lot of men, so I used this online relationship as some justification for me to force me to be more pure.

 I’ll also note that I was a stupid, naive, dumb girl who fucking webcammed for this guy when I didn’t have a fucking clue what he looked like. I just wanted attention and the shit. I wanted someone to revere in my body and appearance.

It’s always exciting and interesting discovering and talking to new people. You become flattered at the person they seemingly are. You see how amazing and confident they are.  As you get to know them more, you discover the darker side of the person. And that is what happened.

We would have minor arguments here and there that eventually did resolve.  It was an emotional struggle, but sometimes the arguments made us feel closer after the resolution. He had several red flags that I should have paid attention to. He was controlling, he was socially withdrawn from other people, he had no close real friends who he maintained a consistent communication with, he was antisocial in the real world, he also would talk about physical workout regimens but he was always reluctant showing pictures or videos of him.  But somehow despite all that shit, I was somehow convinced otherwise that he is a good and caring person that was genuinely caring about me.  That’s what I wanted right, someone to care about me?  

I had to go through a ton of bullshit with him. I was frustrated about how I was the only one who cammed, and I couldn’t even see or hear shit from his side. He made fucking excuses where he was unable to cam or talk on phone more often.  Typing this entry is also making me feel angry and disgusted as shit.  

It was like a 3 and a half year pseuedo relationship.  We messaged each other online everyday, getting into a routine of “hi, how are you etc”. And then we complain about random stuff to each other. It got to a point where I was all, “hi, when are we going to meet?”  I finally had an apartment, but he had issues with finances, no car, still living with parents.  I felt awkward if I had to drive there to meet him first. I shouldn’t be the one to go there and fucking meet him first anyway.  I already did my part by camming to him the first time. What a bastard.

Anyway, I felt like I was struggling. I told him that we shouldn’t label ourselves as BF/GF anymore. We are just friends. He took it with some difficulty, but agreed. Eventually we phased out the *kiss* in our closing statements at bedtime. Even as just friends, I felt all weird and smothered by him. It was an unfulfilling friendship that didn’t seem to be going anywhere.  I was also talking to an online guy (MMO) dude that I probably wrote an entry in a couple months back.  That MMO guy bailed out on me and didn’t seem interested in maintaining friendship with me.  MMO guy lived in Oklahoma, and I wanted to meet him too. 

Whenever I saw the new pics that Tom finally decided to show me, I was pissed and disappointed. I guess I was lying to myself thinking that he would somehow miraculously drastically change his appearance from the old 2006 photo that he showed me first.  He was sort of slightly overweight and his facial expression was that of apathy, boredness, blankness, no smile.   It was like the way he described himself in words was that of a lie compared to his actual appearance. I was lied to in a way, or deceived, or I just tried to ignore shit in the beginning and have some sort of blind hope it wasn’t true. 

I tried to give him a chance, but I suppose the physical aspect became a point to where it was starting to be more of a turn off.  I also just felt bored of him. There was nothing new in his life. He didn’t seem to have any goals or passion in his life for anything.

So yeah, throughout all this, I’m so fucking sexually frustrated and deprived  a 3 year dry spell.  I hate this idea of being faithful or devoted to someone who would never be there for me in person. There’s always that talk of someday we will meet, just wait, it will happen.  3 years of this talk and still nothing happened. I got that emotional support and attention, but I realized that I needed both- physical and emotional needs met.  It was time to say, G’bye. 

 And that’s when I met Andy in January.Tom was pissed I met Andy and just.. had sex with him on the first date.  It was unexpected and he felt like he was betrayed. But I told him, we aren’t even BF/GF anymore, no need to be worried. Somehow he felt like he had some sort of entitlement. 

I probably could have. Should have? Given him some warning as far as “hey, I’m talking to this guy and am going to go on a date with him”. kind of thing.  I probably treated him like shit. But there wasn’t any obligated rule for me to be devoted or faithful.  I don’t want to be held back. I want to do what I want. In some way, I may have used Andy as far as trying to make a stepping stone to get away from Tom. I needed to cut the strings off and tie off any lose ends. 

Tom and I discussed things further. He eventually understood what I was going through and agreed to give me space. He wanted to still see me. He wanted to still be my friend. I still felt constricted and smothered. I kept him on FB, but I wasn’t going to go on MSN anymore. He made several comments on my FB activity and feeds. I was beginning to get annoyed and pissed off at his slight actions that weren’t trying to be harmful or intimidate me.  He still tried to cling to me sometimes sending a random mail once a couple of months or weeks of self reflection.  Of course I would respond back in some manner. I told him I didn’t want to be angry all the time whenever he tried to post stuff to me. I told him that I was going to remove him from my friends list and block him.  We still have each other’s email if he wishes to contact me randomly.

I wonder if this is all considered running away.  But I feel better about myself. I feel like I can focus on myself in the real present world.  I am more away from being glued to the internet.  I appreciate Tom’s friendship and care about me. I did care about him more too at some point.  I learned several things about myself throughout the whole process. One lesson I learned was to never do online relationships again or even online friendships for that matter too.

There is so much to do and experience in the real world: meet and hang out with local people, go to places and engage in fun activities, eat with people and share stories with people in real time. Seeing their smile, seeing their humorous antics in person, and also feeling their touch in person is something that words on a screen simply cannot replicate.

After having my first boyfriend/real relationship, I felt like those 3 years talking to Tom I was missing out on a lot of things.  Even though I feel shitty about being sucked into that 3 year confusion and mess, it was still a valuable experience. I sometimes look back and imagine the pain and sadness I have inflicted on Tom. I gave him false hope and crushed his hope and anticipation.  At the same time, I need to worry about and focus on myself more.  Sometimes we all need a harsh reality check about life.

[drennalynspast]

[ My First Relationship / First Breakup ]

Saturday, Apr. 27, 2013 - 6:31 a.m.

Today..well..13 hours ago, I experienced my first breakup.  It was from a man who happened to be my first boyfriend and first relationship.  We are both 24 years old. 

The Beginning: I met “andy” on okcupid.  I was at a point in my life where I felt sexually frustrated.  I wanted to cure an itch, at the same time I was willing to be open to the idea of trying to have a boyfriend and be in a relationship.   Okcupid allowed me to create a profile and sift through particular wants, needs and interests I had in other people who also were hopefully more compatible with me.  It was the beginning of a new year.  January 2013.  New experience.  new discoveries.  Carpe diem.

This one individual stood out to me on okcupid.  We seemed to talk so easily through chat. We eventually exchanged numbers and texted each other for a week before we decided to meet up in person at a sushi restaurant.  It was my first “real date” too.

He had a wild life in his past. He said that he matured more now.  He is in grad school: vocational rehab counseling.  He has a job and is self sufficient at paying his own bills and living on his own. He likes mmos, particularly WoW, doing outdoor activities, keeping up with sports and reading news. He was a very intellectual and introspective person. He was also atheist or agnostic.  He also believed in not wanting children which was a huge plus for me.  He was also a sexual deviant in the sense that he had tried a lot of things and was willing to try new things in the future.  I also was impressed how he was so strict on having a workout schedule and tried to keep fit and take care of his body.  

At the date we were nervous, eventually loosened up a little. We talked a lot. We had a lot of interests and similarities in preferences/morals together. He seemed too good to be true.  At some point later on during the night at my place, he asked to kiss me. I made a further to attempt to be more into and start grinding him. Obviously I was craving sex. He didn’t resist and we attempted intercourse.  He was struggling to get a full erection throughout the night since he wasn’t quite comfortable with me yet on an emotional level. 

I wasn’t bothered. We laid naked in bed and just talked throughout the endless hours of the night and attempted sex again. He left at 10:30 am in the morning. We did not sleep at all. we couldn’t sleep.  It was a passionate and exciting night.  Meeting someone for the first time and just ..yeah getting to get to have sex again from a 3 year dry spell.

After that, the next time we met, I was over at his place.  We had sex first thing (after I showered) when he saw me.  We hung out, talked, played games.  I think a week after our first date, he asked if I could be his girlfriend. I said yes.  And now, April 25th Friday, what we [didn’t] have is over.

________________________________________________________________

The Middle: We hung out, did things together:  experienced eating new foods and activities. He showed me new places, I showed him new places.  We played games together.  Even when we weren’t playing the same mmo, I still sat by next to him playing my own game and doing my own thing. In the beginning we were sexually into each other.  I guess that is like any new relationship. You just want to fuck the other person’s brains out and explore their body.  It was an exciting feeling.  He sometimes felt overwhelming where he actually wanted it way more than I could handle. I believe it was like 6-7 times of sex I had most at one day.  That doesn’t count all the blowjobs either.   I was in consistent pain.  My vagina was being stretched out more since it hasn’t been exposed to that length of dick before and I must’ve tightened up since not having sex for 3 years So yeah, I felt raw, sore, some blood here and there and I couldn’t experience keep up with him and his pleasure needs. I was fine though.  I enjoyed being around him. (though sexually frustrated I couldn’t enjoy as much)

I started nuvaring birthcontrol in February.  At the end of the first ring cycle, I began to bleed constantly. I have been bleeding for literally about 2 months straight and still have been bleeding up until now.  I think it is a side effect of the ring, but I read about how it is supposed to subside after a while since my hormones were still adjusting.  Anyway, because of the bleeding, he couldn’t access my vagina that much as far as oral or fingering.  I wouldn’t let him as much and I felt embarrassed.  I didn’t mind still having vaginal intercourse though.  He wanted his dick sucked on/ face fuck me a lot more. I felt like I was rejecting him more of his requests more often.  I think part of me was the way he just was blatant about expressing  his desires and made no effort to really try to “soften” me up to make me in the mood to where I felt aroused and wanted to do it eagerly/willingly.  I expressed my concerns about how I wish he could be more affectionate/romantic with me, and it would make it easier for me to be more willing. He then said it wasn’t in his persona to work to do that. Like he grudged having to dance around the point and put effort. 

He also started smoking pot again; he said he was going to finish it all by 4/20. He still have some leftovers, and said he was not going to buy anymore after that.  Obviously I haven’t stuck around him longer than this period to see if he lived up to his word. I was bothered that he even took up smoking pot (even if temporarily) again after his 6 month quit.  I felt like he sorta changed in the sense that when he started smoking it again, he was less productive in terms of keeping his priorities in line, going to work consistently and having a consistent workout schedule. He kind of neglected sticking to his regimen because he felt more lazy?  I think that is when I also noticed the sex to kinda, I dunno, be less than what it used to be.

Sometimes I would ask myself, am I ready to love him?, though in the back of my mind I felt some sort of distance between us as far as intimacy and affection goes.  I was passive and I was expecting him to do more for me or just be there more for me on some things.

I felt like we were still okay. We never yelled or treated each other like shit.  I wasn’t a total bitch to him nagging at him all the time.  There were some small things that bothered me, but I held it in and didn’t get on to him.  We never had any argumentative differences to where we just loathed being next to each other. It didn’t get to that point.  This Wednesday, I hung out with jack and his boyfriend. I told him my perception and feelings on how I felt my relationship was going, asking questions.  But in the end, I thought we were doing fine and nothing really got in the way of us not being together anymore.That is how I perceived things were.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The End/ Aftermath: On Friday, around 9:30 am, he texted me asking if I wanted his cock in my lil pussy during his lunch break.  I said, “yes!”.  He came over, we fucked.  After that, he left to go back to work.  We had plans to see each other again in the night.  I was going to go down to see him in Norman. I was going to spend the night and we would attend the Norman Music Festival on Saturday.   Because I work night shift, I had to sleep a little more in the afternoon before I got ready to pack etc.  It was still 6:30 pm and I was still in bed. I was still tired and trying to squeeze some extra sleep in.   I was starting to try to force myself to get up, but still lay in bed.

I heard the door open to my apartment. Andy came in.  I wasn’t expecting him to immediately come over to my place after work.  I didn’t mind and was excited to see him again. He came in my room. He immediately started talking and the words that came out of his mouth, “I’ve been doing some thinking. I need this relationship to end. “  The first thoughts that came in my mind were, what the fuck!? Huh? I asked him if he was serious. He said, “yes”.  I felt like I did something wrong. He assured me that there was nothing “wrong” on my part that was the reason.  Like there weren’t any flaws about me and that he simply said, “I still don’t feel like we are connecting.”  There was no connection between us, he came to the conclusion. He contemplated the thought about breaking up 3 weeks ago.. or a month he told me. But he kept trying to wait or felt guilty.  He finally came to the decision to end it that night with me.  He was waiting for a feeling to emerge between us, but evidently it never occurred.  He said it was for the best to end it now so we both won’t get more hurt later on when we were around longer.  He also mentioned that he felt like we were more friends and our relationship was based on the premise on sexual activity.

I feel in shock, surprised, caught completely fucking unaware he would even break up with me at this point.  I feel like in disbelief. My body felt numb, weak, and shaking.  Is this really happening? Please tell me more. Please give me more fucking answers. But he said that with situations like this, we can’t nitpick everything and pinpoint things.  When it comes to trying to develop a connection or feeling with someone, sometimes you can’t work to obtain it, to force it to arrive.  I didn’t want to lose him. I hate losing him. But I understood what he was saying. I couldn’t force him to drag himself in this relationship further.  I couldn’t bear to bring myself to beg for him to stay.  I wish he could stay, but I couldn’t verbalize that I wanted him to toss his ideas aside and try.  Of course I suggested that if he told me he felt no feelings earlier, we could have tried harder. He said it would only make the relationship feel more estranged, uneasy and not go further.

I am in denial that it couldn’t work between us.  But at the same time, maybe I knew it wasn’t blossoming into something further, but I felt too complacent, too scared to lose that feeling of having someone around to just be there for me all the time.  I’m afraid of the idea of losing a regimen a consistency in my life. But am I really afraid of actually losing him,  Andy?

Most people hate being alone.  We crave affection, intimacy, not even that, but just having a consistent closeness with someone whom we can share our experiences daily.  I tell myself:  I need to make myself happy instead of relying on others to make me feel good.  I forget that a lot about myself, Andy had to remind me that night that I am my own priority.  

He was a good guy in the end.  We never said we loved each other or felt that way. I am still a novice when it comes to figuring out my feelings and emotions with someone. But I felt like that would be something that would grow more over time.  I felt like we were able to have more time to find out.   He felt like it would be better to end it now before time was wasted and nothing got better. Though,  I was still sorta peeved how just the whole Friday, he just fucked me earlier that day and then later on came back to say he wanted to break up with me.  

We had a long talk about things. He sat next to me trying to comfort me. Answer any questions or give insight about things.  There are still a lot of things I wonder about. I tell myself that there must be something wrong with me. It is my fault and I could have been the one to make things better if only I had known.  And I hate myself for not being a good enough person for him to want to keep me.  He still tried to assure me that there was nothing wrong with me. Sometimes I wonder if he is saying that to try to spare my feelings. I also think about questions about if he is truly over his ex that he was in a 3 year relationship, and that hindered his progression with me and trying to develop feelings.

I made him delete all the naughty pics and videos of me from his phone and computer. I made sure to see that he delete them in front of me. I also deleted the stuff of his videos from my laptop as well.  He packed up his remaining stuff at my place.  We exchanged our final thoughts and words.  He gave me a couple of sweet kisses for the last time. For the first time, I realized, it seemed like he made those kisses actually mean something or have emotion in them compared to the other kisses I got in the past.  For once (in a long time), I felt an emotional kiss, but it is also painful to know those would be my last from him.   

A million thoughts race in my mind constantly. I want it to stop. I want the pain to go away.  I ask questions about what if, what could have been done differently.  My mind is struggling to accept it, to move on. Mentally I understand what is going on, but I cannot bring myself to emotionally feel at peace right now.  First day of surviving a breakup, I don’t expect things to get better overnight.  

I think about scenarios about him asking to take me back or even Andy just texting me something to see how I am doing.  I have random moments of the warm memories I had with someone. I then realize that I can no longer have that kind of memory with that person anymore.

I try to go to sleep. I wake up a couple hours later and realize,  I’m alone now.  I’m single now. I’m fucking alone with no one.  I get in a panic.  It hurts. it hurts so much.  I cry so much. It’s hard. It’s difficult trying to recover, to accept, to move on.   The knife has already penetrated my heart, but I am feeling the bleeding sucking out my life and energy ever so slowly and painfully.

I talked on the phone with my two best friends. They gave me their opinions.  Jack said how he felt like Andy wasn’t going to be the one with me, and how it probably wouldn’t have lasted long. He said how on our meeting Wednesday that I had a hint of unhappiness.  He also tried to cheer me up and encourage me that the next guy I meet, it will be better than the previous one.  

I need to stop thinking of things that I shouldn’t have done or could do to salvage the relationship. It just causes more convoluted thoughts.  Granted, maybe there were some things that could have been different or changed, but there is no definite answer. Sometimes I think if I moved too fast just jumping into the sexual activity and then subconsciously forcing a built relationship foundation to justify being constant with that.  I have no regrets on what I did. I realize that everyone is different. I hear stories about how people just fuck for while and then something grows more between them.  

Sometimes I think with my approach to sex first, I would eliminate forced feelings with someone so early.  The whole idea of holding out sex for a month and then finally having sex with someone for the first time after that then you convince yourself you are in love with them or have feelings.  But it’s just the elated feelings and excitement about the sex perhaps.  

Perhaps I will try to take a different approach and wait for the sexual activity later in the dating scene.  I now feel like I feel more intimidated when it comes to meeting new people. Will I ever meet a good guy like andy again who exhibits a lot of the qualities I am looking for?  How can I compete with an ex who has had a better connection and made someone feel like they were in complete heavenly love before? What can/should I do better?  Not only do I have to find a guy who is good to me in the sense of treating me well and being faithful, but I have to find someone who I can experience a deeper connection with and love.  This shit is hard.  I wish I could experience what love feels like but love should never be rushed.

Of course I need to try to be single for a while.  I need to heal.  It just. fucking. Hurts. Being. Rejected.  I was the first one of his exes in which he was the one to make the decision to leave the girl first.  It makes me feel like I was the inferior one in the end. I was inadequate.  He said that I exhibited several appealing qualities that were better than his exes, but he just didn’t give him a feeling of connection.  I feel so defeated. Like since I was the first one for him to breakup with it must mean something about me. I wasn’t that good enough. I feel like I was a terrible girlfriend.  But  I know I am not.  

I know that someday I will find someone better. It just sucks, not knowing, just waiting. The uncertainty. The doubt.  I will feel better about this over time. I know in the end, Andy did me a favor by backing out now before things hurt even more between us. There are no lingering feelings of animosity or grudges, just pain and hurt of being let go.

I need to be my own person, focus on myself.  Make myself be happy. I need to accept who I am. Eventually I will learn to let go.   

Goodbye Andy. Thank you for giving me my first relationship experience in life.   Thank you for letting me in your life and accepting me.  Even if it was for 4 months;  It was a good run. I have no regrets.  I'm glad that I still have respect for you in the end.

[drennalynspast]

[ a delicious feeling ]

Saturday, Nov. 03, 2012

it's a delicious feeling: that feeling where you experience emotional anguish or face an internal struggle where it breaks you down emotionally. you brood about it, ruminate for a while and try to let it pass. even though you haven't found a complete resolution to the issue, time passes to where everything just remains calm, still, and silent in this solacing darkness. it could just be numbness or just that point where you experience apathy. you suddenly convince yourself that things will be fine and you can hopefully get yourself out of this. in my other entry  http://drennalyn.diaryland.com/120503_99.html, i mentioned another guy i met in an mmo who disappeared for a while.  

well, it turns out he managed to message me one day in the guild forum that i checked.  we exchanged emails and caught up with each other. we played a bit of dragon nest together. when guild wars 2 came out, we have been playing that together as well. i joined the guild that he was in.  i feel a connection with him.  it's hard to describe.  it's some sort of emotional empthy for the other person. we can read each other easily.

it's pretty obvious i have this stoic, dark personality about myself that i try to hide and other times express to others at times.  he sometimes has that nature in him as well.  we are just friends.  i never had a sexual interest in him.  he does have a wife (that he felt shameful and admitted to me).   he is unahppy with his marriage, and i suggest that future divorce would "free" him up more.  

anyway, there is another female in the guild, and asian too... oh joy.  they have been becoming closer friends and whatnot, she confides a lot to him.  i understand people can have their moments with other people if they wish.  y'know, spend time with a friend and not hang out with their other friend.  you just have to juggle them around and help out who you can at the moment. you can't be there for everyone. i fucking get it. past days where i did get to be online the same time as ... oh fuck i need to give this guy a psuedoname... uh, "kirk",  he was exploring and talking on voice chat with the taka girl.  the female guildie is nice, and he tells me her issues through whisper what she has been going through. i have no animosity towards her.  she and i aren't obviously close cause we don't talk a lot as much.  i was on voice chat alone with him, but he had to "kick" me out so she could go on and talk to him about her issues and vent.  she had a bad day, fine, if she needs someone to vent out to, it's okay to do it with her friend.  i will just go about doing my own thing.   another night off, i was anticipating just spending more time talking to him and stuff via chat/playing together or whatever. he was exploring and on chat with the female guildie still.

 i  casually mentioned that i wish i could get on mumble to chat, but i said i couldn't cause he was talking to taka.  he said, "right, cause we're exploring together".  and so i just kinda felt a small stab in my stomach- like it was my time to just back off and not bother them and what they are doing. 

i felt lonely. i  felt like i needed to just talk to someone.  i assumed that my real life friends were working or dealing with their own personal stuff, work, sleep etc and having no moment for me at that time of.... 10 pm -1 am in the morning.  i felt like the one person who did have time for me to be with, they chose not to spend that time with me.

it was a gut wrenching feeling all over again. it made my stomach hurt and my heart beat erratically.  it could have been the two smirnoffs that i drank in attempt to quell my emotions.  however, drinking didn't do shit for me and made me feel the same.  i haven't had that experience ever since i was around dave.  it was the feeling that the person who you wanted to hang out with, talk to, was talking or hanging out with other people besides you and you feel so motherfucking sick to your stomach and ache terribly.  what's wrong with me?  am i inferior to them? are they better than me and more fun to hang out with?  iam i just too much of  handful sometimes and annoying? memories came flashing back of the feeling i felt: supreme jealousy, envy and inferiority and anger that you put so much hope and energy into someone and you don't feel acknowledged by them.

 i work 5 days a week, 12 hr shifts night time.  my social time is limited.  it sometimes gets to the point where i feel selfish and needy.  i don't have a lot of free time, when i do have the time i wish that people would just be there for me.  i envy how they have more free time than me, so i just wish they could set some time aside for me.   okay. i get angry.  it feels better to blame them.  i want to lash out at them.  i want to make them feel bad and responsible that they are doing this to me.  but i shouldn't. i shouldn't....

the righteous side of me that tries not to anger people or get in their way tells me that i should just back off. back the fuck off.  i'll disappear. i'll log off. i'll seclude myself in the silent darkness and just handle it alone - wishing that they will seek me out, see that i am missing and attempt to finally talk to me.  it only makes the feeling worse when i make expectations like that. sometimes they won't ever seek me out. i will still be left alone to deal with my demon.  and so i spiral slowly into this despair and dazzling darkness. i tell myself this is all my fault.  it is just my problem.  i am too weak to deal with what is the fact and reality. why should i seek out the person who i felt has wronged me when it is the me who has been wrong all this time. 

i did this to myself, i made a choice in this lifestyle of mine - working long and odd hours of the week.  i am doing this for the money and for myself.  if i were truly unsatisfied and unhappy, i could make an attempt to switch to days, but i can't see myself working hard on days at the moment.  with that said, i will just have to sacrifice my social life a looot more.  i tell myself this isn't permament. i can handle it. i can deal with this temporarily. the results shall pay off eventually... maybe. 

as far as the jealousy goes. i  don't know why i feel this way. it's stupid and unnecessarily.  he has a wife. we are all just friends.  why do i put such an emotional investment into kirk though. part of me wishes i could just be friends more with taka. we wouldn't have anything to hide from each other and could talk more freely.  but no, just fucking no, i get the impression that i can't because he has to choose one or the other at times. like, it will just be super fucking awkward if i butt in.  it's like i will never get the chance to just be a part of their group or something.  i fuck things up. i screw things over with my bluntness, vulgarity and my questions of "why" all the goddamn time.

 angstymcangst.  it's like he feels embarrassed when i portray myself that way in front of the other guildies or something. so, i am not "allowed" to be more personable with the other guildies around him. i just feel so aggravated with these feelings i feel. 

i just wish i could tell him all i am feeling, but why am i not surprised he may not have the time to talk to me. if  i did email my novel to him, he would probably reply in like 2 sentences. i don't want to be a burden, a hindrance to him with my overwhelming, convoluted thought processes. it's okay to shove me out of voice chat so he can talk to another person in need, but if i want to talk, i don't feel as welcomed.

and so how should i cope.  i shut myself down, curl on the couch in the dark with a soft blanket over me and force myself into deep sleep.  i wake up. i feel okay, numb.  i feel apathetic. it's another time. you are alive at least and can carry on the day as usual. 

i think about the past and how i am not truly alone.  i may be alone that night.  but in the long run, i still have friends and family i can talk to if i am truly in a pinch.  if one person that i need isn't there for me, it is okay for me to seek out other people to talk to.  i don't want to be the person that puts too much hope, faith, trust into one individual. if that one individual does not meet my expectations,  then it could make my world feel crashing down.  i shouldn't let allow myself to feel destroyed by one person.  it's just a temporary issue, a scenario - not a permanence. if the issue become recurring, then i don't know what to do.  

i am avoidant by nature.  i will go wherever the wind follows.  will it get to a point where i just want to leave the other person and not seek out their friendship as much? i am not sure.  holy fuck i am severely passive aggressive. i  didn't know there was a comprehensive list of symptoms involving this .. behavior, but apparently there is one.

moral of the entry: we can't all have nice things. don't put too much of your energy and expectations into a single person. the calm after the storm. what a delicious feeling.

[drennalynspast]

[ life recap oct 2012 ]

Saturday, Nov. 03, 2012

i shall recap on the past events that has occurred within the last couple of months.  

 i found a job. two cna jobs.  one is full time, the other is part time. i like working at my full time's facility.  the work itself can be tedious and tiresome. there are some moments of reward and satisfaction.  i can't imagine myself being a nursing assistant for so long.  i say i will do this for a year or two and then hopefully get into nursing school. 

the cna jobs are night shift work from 6:45 pm - 7:08 am. i like working nights because it is slower and easier, however it takes a turn on my social life getting cut back seemingly further.  most people sleep late at night and cannot entertain me at 3 am in the morning while i try to keep my sleep schedule consistent.

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you know that blog challenge? well i stopped writing posts in there when i found out i got the job offers haha.  but maybe one of these days i will try to finish a months worth of entries there.

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 my relationship with my parents now is okay.  they are a bit better now that i have my own income. even though it is not the best income, they have nagged me less.  i am living in my own apartment now, i pay my own bills.  i share the phone bill with my family.  i am thankful that my parents still work on the car for me, and that my mother brings me food.

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 my online friendship with "tom" feels rather estranged.  i feel less "into" him.  it's a mixture of just not being physically attracted to him and also just the quality of our current conversations seeming less...intuitive or in depth. i think i've made it to the point where we are not online girlfriend or boyfriend but friends who anticipate meeting and having sex in the future  but i don't really know if i want to have sex with this person. i should probably pull back more with how we are talking to each other so casually with the connotations. he gets upset when that happens, and i feel guilty.  i feel like a bad person making a guy fall for me, but in turn i just used them for my own personal selfish needs and toss them aside.

[drennalynspast]

[ climax of turning point ]

Wednesday, May. 02, 2012

another year of being lazy not documenting my emotions and thoughts.  it has been a rough, unproductive and static year.

i'll just try to put some highlights.been waitressing at a restaurant.  the reason why i first got the job was because i thought my friend was going to do it to.  the thought of working with her seemed fun.  i found out that there is only one waitress per shift, and c___ eventually backed out on the job.  i felt guilty for leaving so i stayed. the hours at night were good.  i should have gotten a better job but i felt like i had to "wait" for acceptance letters for nursing school to see if i got in.

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i got my cna license.  i was too lazy looking for a job after that because i also thought i should "wait". 

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i took some classes. i was hoping to improve my gpa and then meet some requirements for nursing school.  i didn't get an 'a' in some :|. 

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i killed time by being avoiding as usual.  i have some innate fear of facing something that reminds me of what seems to be my weaknesses and lack of qualifications as far as applying to job. looking over the criteria and comparing it to what i don't have makes me feel bad. i hate feeling bad, insecure, and insignificant.  i have allowed rejection to take a toll on me an discourage me to a point where i feel  incapacitated. -----------------------------------

i've found out that mmos are very good at distracting me from reality and my emotions.  damn addicting games. i met a friend from this one game, pandora saga.  i was surprised to find this guy live in the same state as me. we talked a lot. i  enjoy talking to him.  we shared some understanding of what despair is like. he is different in that he is struggling to make a living, but i don't think he complains.  he just survives, but for whatever reason he tries to be positive. </p><p>his life became more busy and he temporarily disappeared from the net. i tried messaging him. i tried to give him my email, but he refused to accept it. he wasn't comfortable with personal email or chatting. i miss him and wonder about him (as a friend).  i don't know why i keep checking the guild forum hoping he would return again.

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my dad is a dick.  i don't know the magnitude of what is determined to be an unhealthy family, but sometimes i feel like my father is tearing me down as a person- degrading me from any sense of worth.  i understand that i am lazy, procrastinating and have made ill choices in the past.  even though i may not have made the best attempts, i have tried to make some. 

all families have their down points and negativity.  is my situation worse? is my father verbally abusive towards me.  logically thinking, i know it is not good to blame other people for who you are today.  the individual themselves have to make an attempt to change who they are, even if they were molded from society and culture in the past. it feels good to blame others though.  you want to think that you truly aren't at fault for being responsible for harming other people. like how i was told i was making the family separate, and i was the reason for causing a strain on the relationship.

my mother told me that i think like my father sometimes. my father apparently had some grudge with grandpa.  they say that the next generation of parents will be wiser and have a more positive experience on their children.  well, at least he doesn't abuse me anymore.  i despise my father for how he has treated me.  in a way, i may let this grudge linger for a long time.  i may not wish to see my dad anymore in the future as far as being socially spending time with him.</p><p>am i being weak for this thought? am i supposed to forgive  and forget what people have done for me.  i am supposed to change for other people to make myself a better person, but that other person will never change who they are. they will still be unaware, oblivious and stubborn. i feel like my attempts will have no impact whatsoever. however, i can't let constant resentment dictate my life. it seems like this article of oprah may be helpful as far as giving a wake up call. i don't feel forgiving right now, but i will keep an open mind about trying to be forgiving in the future.

  http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Forgiving-Your-Parents_1  

 Despite my mom being annoying, i realized that my mom is genuinely a good person that tries to be caring overall.  she may be unaware, confused and overprotective, but she does try to wish the best for people and help others. she has worked hard to get where she is and sacrificed a lot of things for me.

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 i've made a lot of mistakes in the past. a seemingly neverending downward spiral of mistakes. what does it take to get the wake up call and try to do something? 

 it is established my dad is kicking me out of the house august 2nd. the day after my birthday.  i have to find my own job, pay for all my things from now on and live in my own place.  i'm not angry or upset at this. it is for the best. this is something that i acknowledge myself that i need to do. 

what doesn't help is that there is an atmosphere of despair, regret, bitterness, disappointment, degradation. conversations relaying back to mistakes and faults which bring me more into hopelessness more than anything. in the back of my mind i know i can do it. i know i will try to succeed.

somehow, that logic can't translate into a burning desire because it has been dampened-- the words and suggestion that i am a bad, inferior person.</p><p>-------------------------------------------------------

 the plan.  i honestly don't know what to do.. but i need to take things in steps. my first priority is just getting a  full time job. that is what i should focus on right now.  next is finding an apartment. after that i will be free and make my own decisions from there.  i can finally decide what to do for myself without outside suggestions or complaints....maybe :|

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forming a new outlook in life.  i must try to do this.  if i am happy or content, then i can be more productive and motivated. i feel safe when i do things that make me feel good and have fun, at the same time i haven't really achieved anything as far as doing things that shift my life in a productive motion of personal growth and development.  i think i shall try to do a blog challenge where for one month, i need to record a positive experience everyday.  if i read back on the entries, maybe i can rewire my brain to think more optimistically. maybe i can be more productive.  this month is may. i have to make it my month of going beyond my boundaries and safe haven.

i am going to do the 31 journal challenge on another site. perhaps i will choose tumblr and link the tumblr to this main journal of my intricate thoughts.

[drennalynspast]

[ my weak self ]

Tuesday, Nov. 30, 2010

listening to "sad" music on youtube and some of my personal music files at the moment.  after being emotionally charged, i feel the crash - the crash where i feel blank, empty, tired. i feel like i could sink into this nothingness.  

my return to post in d-land is usually out of either 3 reasons: 1)a situation causing me to be super emo  2)ranting about opinionated shit out of boredom  3) highlighting the events of my semester/months of nonactive posting  (perhaps this reason will subside due to my lack of contact with my counselor)

anyway, this entry is brought to you today by reason #1. it is my typical reiteration of similar past events. though, to put some clarity and temporary ease my mind for mental stabilization, i shall continue this blogging.

you know how people get stressed, worried, pissed off for whatever reason, they usually like to dish out their feelings on another person.  my mom went into my room to talk to me and was super pissy.  i was thinking, "god, what's eating you."  and she was bitching at me to start "doing stuff" in my applications to school and contact my past professor for recommendation letters. and no, that's not where it stops, damn asian parents have to keep nagging about deplorable future scenarios trying to instill fear into their children, thinking it will help motivate them.

she just had to throw the card of "you want to work at _[insert restaurant i am working in at the moment ]for 4 years?" and also throwing in mcdonalds as well.  

i can understand my parents.  believe me, i think i am a lazy bitch and careless slouch too numerous times. they are correct in that i must be more proactive in my endeavors if i am to succeed.  so yeah, they get all fearful and shit, so they feel like they have to come talk to me and "remind" me every now and then what i must do. i get it. 

what pisses me off the most, is how they fucking approach me, how they assume and accuse me of my future actions and success. it's like if i don't succeed in my goal, i will fail. i  will never fucking ever have a chance to rise.  i will always and forever have this unpleasant lifestyle.  if my parents have a fucking grudge about the fact that i am simply working part time at a restaurant just for quick money (not a lot of heavy hours too) while going to school, then they should fucking say something to my goddamn face directly.  instead of using it as a threat to me. it pisses me off so much.  they assume that this small part time thing is going to be permanent. 

"i work so hard for you, and you also need to try hard too etcetc.  i didn't have a lot of opportunity when i was a child etcetc". yeah, if you hate working so hard, then why don't you just let me go. stop letting me live with you, stop paying for my things.  i know this is like a double edged sword.  i hate my parents every now and then, but i rely on them.  they dislike my actions, but they want me to succeed or they will feel like they have failed.  it's an attempt to look altruistic, but in reality, parents want to do it to make themselves look good for themselves and in front of others.

i wonder, i honestly wonder.  would i be more hardworking, more motivated if i were to handle things completely on my own? -i.e: be cut off from their support and finances.  yes, it will be harder for me. it would be difficult to work and study. on the other hand, perhaps i may view life differently. it could be positive or negative though.  if i just leave my parents and go work, and take side classes. i may evolve into this complacent state where "working as i am now" is fine for me.  granted, i will be  living with a lesser income... or if i am lucky, it may not be so bad.  the other option would be i detest entry level work and try my best to work hard at my attempts to get better education.

back to the whole, "i understand what my parents think of me" thing. i don't blame my parents fully. i just despise their methods of communication towards me.  it is one of the reasons why i feel so... disconnected from them.  they are questionable about my actions because i don't talk. they don't know what is going on, so they make extreme assumptions.  it's bad they assume that and i should try to verify my actions to them but i just... don't feel like talking to them.  it's more of some  developed mindset i acquired over time, where i associate talking to my parents in a conversation will lead to a negative discussion that will result in me being pissed of frustrated --- therefore, i minimally communicate with them.   

i don't blame my parents for how i am today.  yes i was abused as a child; i was verbally abused and treated too at times. a lot of people go through terrible shit in their childhood, but some people turn out alright. some people still end up being confident, successful and independent.  the personality and a behavior of an individual is not wholly based 100% by parental influence. i'm not going to use  my childhood upbringing as an excuse for my current behavior and cognitive thinking. 

i've always seemed to be this shy and quiet child.  i believe i have grown more out of my shell in terms of being less shy, once i experienced my undergrad college years. if i could analyze my behavior, i would define it as avoidant and cautious.  why do i procrastinate? why am i lazy? believe me, i think a lot about my future.  i think about what i should do. however, when it comes to being proactive, that's where i am weak.

it's fear that i have. some terrible, fear of failing.  whenever i research the requirements for applications, i get so discouraged looking at some of the requirements because i know i don't meet them.  then i start feeling regretful, hating myself because i can't apply there.  whenever i realize i have to get recommendation letters, i get discouraged as well.  my past failures of receiving poor letters has given me doubt of my success and strength of recommendation in the application. i hate the feeling of feeling so... inferior, being weak, stupid, regretful. ...

so what do i do?  i block it all out.  i tell myself i can't face the cold facts today. i am not ready to sit down, research, apply and organize shadowing with other pts.  no, no, instead, i'll just sleep it off, i'll just do something else to entertain me to distract me, make me feel better while i decide to push back my plans the next day.  and then that next day, i think the same thing all over again, and push it back even more... and more.  ignorance is bliss. i seek instant gratification, instant results.  so i do things like surf net, chat for entertainment and sleep. why? because it seemed much effortless and easier than working hard on something i am unsure of, and wasting time on something i may potentially not get accepted into.

it's silly. it's stupid. it's absurd what i am doing.  yes, it is ignorant. i am weak, on the road to failure.  by procrastinating, of course i have dug myself into deeper shit. for one thing, i have already missed deadlines of applications i could have participated in, in sept, oct, and november..  god damn, that is like 3 months, and that could have been how many schools i should have applied to?  

so to you parents, who are nagging at me 237489247 times. and to others who are also nagging at me 9327498274 times to do something.  i -know- what i must do.  you can give me 239872984732 pep talks, lectures about why i should do this and that. what i need to do etc, but you know what? your lectures don't do shit for me.  they don't inspire me. they don't motivate me. they will not change me.  you, the speaker, cannot influence my behavior and thinking.  it seems like even my own personal events in the past weren't enough to do something to me. 

i have a problem.  it's a personal battle and dilemma.  it is something that i must do on my own.  it is something that i must learn on my own. telling me the same things do not help.  knowing what to do is one thing... but believing in yourself is different. it's like telling a person to stop feeling fucking sad. the person knows they shouldn't be sad, but they just can't get rid of that sadness asap. 

for me, it is fear about failing. when will i wake up from this fear? when will i stop being so discouraged. when will i stop being so weak? it's so much easier to just do shit earlier, get it over with, and not think of it for a while and not have to worry about deadlines.  but no... i somehow choose the other path because i am afraid to face it head on.  it's like travelling through a forest with two paths. one path looks brighter, sunnier, more friendly. another path looks dark, cold,with entangling vegetation.  what do i do? i take the brighter path that is friendly - only to find that the end of that sunny path is a dead end.

[drennalynspast]

[ Parenthood and Children ]

Friday, Jun. 11, 2010

main idea: If other people want to have children, that's their decision. I think I am mainly voicing my opinions on why I think I shouldn't have my own. 

Society has always been pro- having a family. If a woman chooses not to have a child, society may shun or look down upon her for her decision. An infertile woman would scoff at a woman who has the ability to bear children but she refuses to have them. Just because someone doesn't -want- to have kids doesn't mean they do not -like- kids. People have reasons in their choices. Furthermore, there is enough humans in the world already. The world is overpopulated.

I feel like if society wasn't such a pressure on our behavior, we could be having less children by now. Why do people decide to have children? To appease society or for personal benefits? Most of us are "accidents" due to human physical lust and also conceived because it's "family tradition". 

Do you want your children because your parents expect to give you grandkids? Do you want to have children because your partner expects you to have them? Do you want to have children to show your friends and others that you can raise a family? Is this all for prestige and reputation and personal investment (i.e - them taking care of you in the future)? Do you want to have children just to see how they "look" with your genes mixed with your partner? 

Lately... I've been thinking more about life and my future. As a child, I currently feel emotionally unattached to my parents. Sure I love them as in the obligatory love that occurs when parents give you things like food, shelter and money. Anything beyond that causes me to speculate however. I get so frustrated and aggravated with them a lot. Yes, parents will naturally piss you off every now and then. Though the more I think about it, the less I want to become a parent myself in the future. 

Sure, people say that they will become -better- at being a parent then how their parents were... but there will still be some sort of traditional remnant of ideals, values, philosophies that you try to impose on your child from your past experiences. I just feel like I could make my child miserable by exhibiting the same nagging, close minded behavior like my parents sometimes portray. I hate dealing with these conflicted emotions and stress. I don't know how accepting and proud I can be if my children don't turn out the way I would like them to. I don't want to risk having my child feel miserable and upset with their life. 

As a parent, you want your kid to do well. You want your child to live up to your expectations. If they divert from your favored image, you get pissed off, frustrated. Sometimes you may doubt your abilities as a parent or wonder what is wrong with the child. Parenthood is no easy task. I don't think having a family will always ensure true happiness for people. Perhaps some people feel like they wish they never started a family. I could care less if choosing not to have children is a selfish thing. It is my own life, and I care about how I am going to spend it. 

Not everyone is capable of becoming a parent. Unfortunately there are many individuals who become parents and screw up. Even if there are parents who claim to be amazing at parenthood, there are environmental and situational factors which may cause the child to become different than what the parents expect. 

Bottomline, if you cannot accept that your child can disappoint you, then you should not have a child. Will you still love your child if they want to become transsexual or gay? Will you love your child if they commit murder? Will you love your child if they drop out of high school and become a crack addict?

[drennalynspast]

[ goodbye old friend ]

Tuesday, Jun. 08, 2010

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMLrGCfFOgk

Si deus me relinquit, 

Ego deum relinquo.

Solus oppressus nigram clavem habere potest,

Omnias ianuas praecludo

Sic omnias precationes obsigno.Sed qui me defendet?

Ab me terribilissimo ipse.

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If God has forsaken me, 

Then I shall forsake God, too.

Only the oppressed may possess a black key,

I close all doors Thus I seal away all prayers.

However who protects me? From the most frightful: myself 

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After the fall 2009 semester he left wford without telling me goodbye. A couple weeks earlier that December month, he asked if i could hang out with him.  I was contemplating it, but in the end i decided not to.  I was going to probably see him one last time before he left, but i thought that the moment he asked me was too early.  (i presumed he would ask me again).  Anyway, kristy, my female friend, hung out with him. I was uncomfortable about her doing that.  I stated my opinion that it probably wasn’t a good idea, and he would likely hurt/and try to make a move on her if she saw him more.  She didn’t listen.  I couldn’t force her to stop hanging out with him.

And whaddya know, she later told me how he tried to kiss her and told her how he kept thinking about kissing her.  He joked with stuff such as want to make out? loljkjk  she then told me how he was still texting her.  It was to a point where i was all, “i think it’s best if you don’t mention about him (and what he says to you) to me anymore.” kinda sucks that she ignored my warnings in the first place.  But oh well, she had it coming.

I blocked him from facebook.  I deleted him from msn.  I didn’t want to talk to him anymore.  at the same time, part of me was aching to say something to him.  why? Why are you such a lying faggot? Why do you claim to not want a relationship or random play  yet you still joke about it? Of all the people you could have hit on, why did it have to be my fucking best friend?  i wanted to tell him how i didn’t see any new reform or change in him like he said he would try to become.  Or apartment rooms are relatively close on the same neighborhood.  One day i drove by and i could see that his car was no longer there.  I knew he had moved out. It seemed like he had -respected- my wishes of not trying to contact me anymore and try to harass me to stay his friend. At some point i felt like i still tasted some defeat - a defeat because i never got to say a final farewell and give my last words to him.  

I still have pictures of him on my hard drive, but i realize how i never went back and looked at them. I  never. 

 I still have some msn chat logs of his that i haven’t deleted. I haven’t looked back at those either.  I deleted his number off my cellphone as well as his past text messages.

On graduation ceremony day this may, i heard his name called out.  Apparently dave came down to wford for that day just to walk.  He never contacted me at all during the spring semester or the end of the ceremony.  I never saw how he looked or where he was.  There were quite a number of individuals there, and i hardly paid attention to anyone specifically. At this point, i can say it’s all dead.  He is gone ,  and he eliminated me from his life.

Sometimes i wonder and think about how he feels now.- if he misses me or regrets fucking up.  i don’t have anymore grudges or spite. I simply can’t completely forget about him, but i am able to move on and not ruminate worry the past experiences. He was the first guy i had sex with, the first close straight guy friend i had, and first/last friend with benefits.

I have no regrets for starting that benefits thing with him.  I was well aware of the repercussions that would entail in the future.  I thought i knew myself back then.  I thought i understood how people were.  I was wrong. 

After the whole ordeal, it made me more cautious about men and how they think and feel.  I shouldn’t put so much trust in someone so easily.  If i have suspicious vibes, it is probably for a reason.  

I no longer crave for meaningless sex. I can be that type of person who can handle one night stands or fuck buddies.  Well i haven’t tried a one night stand before but >.> i don’t think i will bother.  After the whole dave ordeal, i learned about myself a lot more.  I learned about how i view myself, what i prioritize and how to battle with my conflicting thoughts concerning passion, lust, deceit and friendship.

I dislike instability.  i seek something of permanence . for now I have learned about the value of true relationships and how they may be more of worth for me.  this current online relationship with tom may be naive, foolish or hopeless when i sometimes think about our uncertain future outlook.  As of right now, i don’t consider myself chained down by anything.  I could face a possibility of being hurt in the future, but right now, i have nothing lose.  So i might as well feel something right now or else i will miss an opportunity to experience. temporary comfort. To live is to take risks

[drennalynspast]

[ yay roomate ]

Tuesday, Jun. 08, 2010

Typed and emailed to myself 3/2010

Thank god this is my last semester at this school.   As much as I am wanting to “turn over a new leaf”,  I still feel conflicted about several things.especially during this past week.

Roomate:     it was an ecstatic thought having one of my best friends live with me in my apartment for this semester.  I thought it would be one of those mutualism type symbiotic relationships where both people benefit.  To my dismay, I feel like it is parasitic at times.  I feel angry, frustrated and drained.  I have some pet peeves which are petty and I know that it is something that I should deal with myself and suck it up.  For one, after she uses the rice cooker and eats her meal for that time, she doesn’t put the cooked rice in the container and store it in the fridge.   Nope, she leaves it out overnight in the cooker or even more than 1 day. 

Whenever my I go home on those rare occasions, my mother would always cook a bunch of food for me in containers so I could reheat the food and eat it.  She also made a lot and said I could share with my roommate  which I do.  My roommate, on the other hand, doesn't really do that for me.  Her parents don't think about doing that for their child.  I feel like most of my food that my mom cooks is what is feeding her.  And then when we run out of that food she complains about what is there to eat around here.  Then I mention, go buy food and cook something.  She says, “I don’t know how to cook though.”  I said, buy canned /box stuff and microwave them, google for recipes that teach you how to cook something.     

On the snow days, she asked if she could use my ice scraper because she didn’t even have one in her own car.  She also didn’t have gloves.  Underprepared much?  Sometimes I feel that if she were living with someone else, she would be worse off.

This morning, good god. I was late for my class.  We always carpool everyday, and today was her turn to drive.  If I wanted to sleep in or not carpool that day, I would have mentioned it early in the morning or the night before.  But I never mentioned any of that to her.   I stupidly put my cell phone on silent and forgot to change the setting, so I did not hear my alarm.   She didn’t even bother to wake me up or say something about it.  She just left.

This frustration was just a new experience I faced compared to living in the dorms.  In the dorms, there is the unspoken rule that you don't really share and everything you have is yours and set within your boundaries of the room.    Whereas in an apartment, some things you will have to share, and are both there is a more difficult responsibility because you have more area to maintain.

I understand that people were raised differently (obviously) and they may have different mannerisms and customs.  Still just fucking still I feel like that shouldn’t be an excuse.  I just wish that people would wake up from their ignorance and actually offer to do something generous on their own without being asked to do it.  My parents tell me to not really complain much to her because we don't want to put any strain on how we live together (aka try to prevent her from wanting moving out because she is saving us more money).  Sure, sure. I can deal with that.  I suppose I will take the trash out on my own, vacuum the carpet, clean the countertops and bathroom, sharing my mom's cooked food with her.  I am fine with doing that.  Is it selfish of me to wish that someone would try to be nice to me too?  It probably is.  While I am not verbally requesting much of her to do things/change her behavior, I may appear tolerable and nice.  But inside, I sometimes don’t feel satisfied for myself holding back like that.  I know I am a pushover a lot.  Sometimes, I feel like I am going to snap one day though.

After coming to this newfound realization of coping to live with someone , I can honestly say that I am proud of how I can be independent of myself at times as far as learning how to do things on my own and think critically.  I am actually thankful for my parents and how they help prepare me.  If they weren’t so supportive of me and helpful, I am not sure how I would be.  I would at least hope that I would try to work harder/think for myself and not be dependable on others so much.

 _________________________________

The cake is a lie. Sooo This past week I experienced like some kind of uh freakout episode.  I dunnno how to describe it.   I went to occc to take a test that I needed to take for my PTA application.  It pisses me off how schools and business have this damn triage system making people wait and wait, and do things/go to a certain department before you can actually get the shit done in the department you need to do.  They would not consider me having a bachelors this may as one of the preference points (rankings that will make your application have a better status for acceptance but they aren’t necessarily required).  in the application, I was a little disappointed, though they were nice enough to tell me about how I can get an associate’s from them and include that in my application.   After I took the test, I didn’t score high enough in this one section to make me able to get a preference point for that subject.  They allowed me to take it again though. So,  I made a schedule to take it again that day.  As I was turning in my application file and requesting to have them make copies of shit and transfer stuff, it was after those 10 minutes what I realized what I did.  I turned in my application officially already and I still haven’t retaken that test and sent my scores in that application to update it. Oh shiiit >.<  I asked if I could have it back for a bit, but they said  I couldn’t have it back when I turned it in.  I was pissed off, was on the verge of crying.   I hated myself for losing an opportunity to make my application look better. I am worried if I will get accepted or not.

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That evening at wford, I decided to cheer myself up and try to make a pound cake for the first time.  That did not go too well, because it turned out shitty. Then I got mad and frustrated even more.   The next day, I decided I would try again to make the pound cake using a different technique.  As I was going through my cooking utensils, I noticed that I was missing a tablespoon that I had.  I was mother fucking pissed and frustrated as hell.  I frantically looked for it, but still could not find it.  My presumption was that it was accidentally thrown away.  I know that  I could still use my teaspoon three times to achieve one tablespoon but that wasn’t the point. The point is that I was lost something that belong to a set. And now my set looks incomplet..  So yeah, I literally cried and laid on the floor crying in frustration.  An hour later, I was annoyed enough to the point where I went to walmart to buy another whole measuring spoon set just to ease my mind.  I know it was extremely unnecessary .>.> I even bought a more expensive and different set compared to my original one

Bottomline : I never realized how emotional I could be from something like all.   After the spoon incident, I vowed not to try to attempt baking/cooking something new when I am emotionally unstable.  When I realized how much I failed at baking,  it made me feel like I could not succeed in anything.  I don’t know how to bake ;_; , when I mess up I get mad because I lost ingredients and my time.    ____________________________________

Schoolbleh: >My roommate and I made a lent thing where we would make a study log book.  We made it so that we had to achieve a certain amount of time of studying per subject or else we would have to be punished. Punishment would be waking up at 6 am to go jogging around our complex.  Another part of our to do stuff was to work out at a minimum of 3 times a week.   So far, this idea and goal has been helpful for us.

Working on applications is a bitch.  My parents tell me I need to apply for more schools, but most of the other school (out of state) applications already had a deadline like in fall 2009 >.> furthermore, it is not easy to just apply.  Because they may require different courses, exam scores, letters of recommendation etcetceetc.  I have enough trouble trying to work on 1-3applications as it is.

As far as classes, I have been trying to work harder on them.  I set the curve in one of my classes and got booted up to a 100 for that test grade. I want to try to be one of the highest grades in that class now... I just need to study moar =_=.   I also am enrolled in this “sailing/hiking/canoeing etc parks and recreation class”.  It is really fun.

[drennalynspast]

[ Early 2010 ]

Tuesday, Jun. 08, 2010

Typed in early 2010... Good god.  I haven’t been keeping up with my journal.  I recall writing some bullshit entries for my counselor session, but maybe I deleted the files after I typed them up.  way to go >.>.  I  have 23972398 entries typed, but I forget to upload them on d-land.

Anywho, I will try to summarize shit that happened in the Fall 2009 semester. I managed to escape my jury summon. The court clerk pardoned me due to the fact that I reside in a different county and that inhibited my ability to attend the court session (and also add the fact that I have to go to school)

I sucked at the GRE exam.  I took it the 2nd time, and my scores did improve, but nothing outstanding and possibly worthy of me getting accepted to a got Physical Therapy school >.<

I went to a party with my friend.  We both got pretty drunk.  There was this guy who was hitting on me.  We were in the garage together alone.  He asked if he could kiss me.  I said “sorry, I already have someone".  And then I left the garage.  The creeper started to hit on my friend in the garage like an hour later.  They were almost about to start doing something until her female friend and I interrupted them.   I am pretty proud of myself for my ability to refuse a sexual proposal when I was under the influence of alcohol.  I am disappointed that I should have kept more of an eye on my friend.

Alright, now onto the more dramatic scenario in regards to the situation between dave and i. I blocked him on msn.  He still had another email that I forgot to block too.  He confronted me about how I blocked him.  I felt sorry and decided not to block the other email address too.   Sometimes he would message me or I would message him about small talk or asking questions.

Whenever he would see me walk between classes, we would say hi. Other times, we would carry out a longer conversation.  He would mention about the old times he missed with just hanging out with me and still insisted that i hang out with him to give him a chance at renewing our friendship.  

I eventually gave in.  One day, I went over to his place to hang out.  We saw “paranormal activity”, ate pizza, smoked hookah (my first time).  It was alright.  I then felt guilty afterwards for hanging out with him.  I know jack and tom hate dave a lot. If i told them i hung out with him, they would be disappointed in me. 

I didn’t log on msn that night. Tom felt really worried that i didn’t respond to his call or msn message.  I eventually sent tom a message on msn, but he was asleep.  In the morning, i did my part in painfully explaining what i had done.  He wasn’t pleased, like i expected. 

I wanted to hang out with dave because i wanted to cure some sort of loneliness i had in me.  because i was living alone in my apartment, i wasn’t on campus much as i used to be. 

Thus, i had less contact with people.  i felt like if i could hang out with dave, it would distract me from my boredom.  He kept apologizing about what he did.   He told me how he has no intentions of trying to sexually connect with anyone else and how he is not ready for a relationship.  

[drennalynspast]

[ Summer 2009 - finding out the truth ]

Thursday, Feb. 04, 2010

During the 2009 summer, my dad was griping to me about getting a summer job up to the point where it made me feel bad about myself and have some temporary crying  -_-.  He made it seem like i was going to be a failure if i didn’t get a summer job, because i will have no experience.   Luckily I managed find a job at a clothing store and worked during the summer for it. 

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Also that summer, I received a private message and friend request from the ex girlfriend of my ex benefits friend.  I was suspicious why should would want to contact me, but I decided to see what she was curious about.  She told me how Dave has had a habit of continuously lying  and how he had the tendencies to a waver between other girls.   I basically realized that while I was messing around with him, he has been desperately talking to two other girls. Praising them, asking for nudes etc.  And I have this hunch that he may have sex with one of them while he was supposedly still with me in the benefits stage.   What bugs me is that he lied to me.  If he wanted to bang some other chicks, all he had to do was just tell me.  I would have ended the benefits thing earlier then and let him do whatever.  But I don't appreciate being unaware.  I don’t want to be one of those chicks who knows he is cheating and still let him do things to me.  

Anyways, near when fall semester started this year, Dave was trying to contact me.  He noticed I didn't speak much.   He then brought up, “I know you know.”

  He apologized.  Of course, I couldn’t accept it as an apology and forgive so easily.  It took a lot of talking to get it through his head that I actually wanted to end the friendship between us.  I didn’t want to be subjected to anymore suspicions of his lying in the future.  He did not take it too well.  He still wanted to be my friend. He was all, “Even though I hurt you, I still thought of you as a friend, always. “  

 What the fuck, man? I wanted to cut the strings off completely.  It was honestly difficult for me to do as well.  Part of me misses those Friday and weekend nights just hanging out.   I knew that when i would end it,  i could not allow myself to ever go back.  I knew I was punishing myself in a way,  losing the opportunity to have a social norm with someone.  At the same time, I wanted to punish the other person more by doing this.  My friend, Jack, told me that he respects me for my decision and thought i did a brave thing.  Letting go of someone is hard to do. 

As the weeks pass by, I’ve gotten more used to it  the lack of dave and i seeing each other.  From time to time, as I walk between my classes, I happen to bump into him.  We just say “hi, how’s it going?”  That’s about it.  I try to keep it short and not go into detail about my life to him.  I eventually told Dave that I have forgiven him though.  I still am uneasy if I should try to mend the friendship. He still wants to hang out with me, but I always refuse.

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I sorta still feel lonely every now and then.  But i’ve somewhat am forcing myself to go to events that i have been invited too, such as asian student association stuff and BCM international socials.  At this point, I am whatever.  The only person i miss really is my female friend I became friends with last semester at swosu.  She transferred to occc for the fall. But she tells me she is transferring back to SWOSU for the spring semester.  I can’t wait.  

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I finally live in my own apartment now.  The responsibility is a bitch.  At the same time, it is nice to have my own place to myself.  I live alone for now.  Maybe my female friend might live with me during the spring semester.  Cleaning and cooking sometimes gives things a peace of mind (depends on my mood and laziness actually).

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As far as academics go, it is supposedly not too bad with my classes only 12 hours which leave me a lot of time to slack off and sleep.  But I am just so quite disturbed and unwilling.  Everything is starting to cave in.  Y’know  - those preparations for application to pta and pt school as well as graduating.  I still have so much to refine and polish for my transcript and applications.  I need recommendations, but I am not so tight with any of the professors here.  And GRE oh gawd the GRE.  

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I know, again and again, I need to work hard. But still, there is always that pessimism, uncertainty, and lack of confidence that makes me not want to try as hard.  I haven’t studied much for the GRE (and i sucked the first time i took it last month).  Ugh apathy.  It becomes apathy now and frustration as it draws nearer to deadlines.

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Oh and by the way, apparently I got a letter saying that I must attend Jury duty later on in a couple of weeks. What do i dooo!!?  I want to get out of jury duty.   I don’t want to risk missing a lot of class times.

[drennalynspast]

[ Another Semester.  Ohjoy ]

Sunday, Feb. 15, 2009

It has been a while since I last documented my past events concerning whatever of me.Last December was a bit of drama here and there as far as my parents still inquiring about how I will approach my future as well as those uhm mysterious visits to the doctor’s office.  

 My father kept trying to coerce me into responding what kind of visits I am making to the doctor.  It is your duty to tell your mom because she is the one paying for the insurance.  I was still hesitant about discussing my condition.  They would not understand my depression.  As much as I could have easily told them about it to get them off my back, it probably would do the exact opposite. It would probably cause them to worry more or question more.  I’m tired of trying to explain myself further repeatedly and still not have them get what I am talking about. There is no point in all this really.

As far as my progression on my medication goes, I think my side effects are subsiding.  I don’t have nausea (though I did have this one day where I experienced some extreme sadness and unmotivation).  I still have these odd and vivid dreams though.  Either I dream more or I just happen to remember them more.  It is crazy, man.

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Anywho, during Winter break I decided to visit the hospital and shadow some of the employees there in some departments.  I needed to get an idea what some people did in their profession, so I can make future plans.  I observed the physical therapy department as well as the radiology department.  After several days and hours of watching and questioning the employees, I decided I should go for something like physical therapy.  Radiology seemed rather dull.  It had this dronelike atmosphere to it.  I perhaps may have been biased because I only observed one hospital and not enough departments.  (I observed the E.R radiology department.  And I am not a fan of ER type things).  

I concluded that perhaps physical therapy would be a better interest.  Physical Therapy or Physical Therapy Assistant . I will apply for both and see which one I will get accepted into.  PTA’s do not make that much money. But their job still seems enjoyable.  I just like the laid back and non stressful atmosphere since you deal with one for as long as 30 minutes to 40 minutes or so.  That gives you time to interact one on one with people more.  I guess I could BS something in my future interview about how I would like to enhance my skills that I have interest in.

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Concerning my academics so far.eh.hmm.  I dunno. I am taking 18 hours.  No more chemistry at least, thank god.  I really want to do good this semester I mean, like make all A’s.  I am already getting quite worried after my first exams.  (Usually would just shrug it off and expect to do better in the next tests).  I know that chances are more limited than I think, so I just have to try harder and stop procrastinating ;A;.  

 Enrollment is already available for next semester.  I went and sought advice from the secretary of my academic advisor.  I was quite unsure about what courses to take during the fall because I felt like I had already completed most of the requirements in my degree.  Well, it turns out I was right.  The secretary said that I could basically have applied to pt or pta school this semester already, but I missed the deadline in early February.  I figured enrollment was past.  Though, I had no intentions of enrolling at that time.  I want to complete a bachelor’s here as a backup.   But technically I can finish my degree as early as the end of fall 09 or possibly this summer!!!??  Hard to believe, man, since I planned to end at exactly 4 years ( may 10).

The secretary said that I was on the ball.  Well, of coooourse.  I am quite content about how I carefully planned my courses accordingly.  It is better to be too prepared than be late.  Now, due to some obstacles concerning financial aid, I should probably go with my plan and end at 10.  The secretary suggested that I do a double minor.(in Spanish).  I might take that into consideration.  I filed for a degree check.  They will have to contact me back to assure that I have taken the appropriate courses for my degree. I also should probably check with my advisor to discuss my issues with this.  Overall, I feel like I am hanging by a thread.  There is no more chances for screw ups.  I am almost done with my bachelor’s degree.  I just want to taste some kind of confirmed achievement or success soon.  I feel like I need a new change of scenery.

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And now this is the part where we dive into the discussion of friendships etc. x_x. 

During the near end of winter break, Dave had just come back from his trip to London.  He had recovered from his ailing condition and is physically better.  On msn, he was telling me how much he missed me etc.  I sort of shrugged off his hitting on me statements.  I told him how I did not wish to have sex with him anymore.  He was a bit confused/hurt/questionable.  He didn’t take it too well.  I said we were still friends though.  I just did not like how the moment he realizes my existence was at a time for his convenience.  I don’t to be like the dog that fetches for their master who throws the bone.  I felt somewhat sympathetic - for I do realize that he was going through a difficult semester.  I did cave in and permit that some not all would cease (like kissing etc).   I suppose slowing down would help this guy’s mind adjust better.  After spring break, more physical things will end until the end of may where all of this messing around will stop.  

 I sometimes feel these instances where I wish he would quit i dunno, being unreliable?  I know I’ve been a bitch as far as how I expect people to call me.  I mean, yes things arise in individuals and they cannot contact the other person.  Yaddayaddayadda..but I feel like calling me or letting me know if you are not doing something is a validation/confirmation that you respect me and are aware of my concerns.  It’s just.slowly ever so slowly making me step back away.  I don’t feel attracted to him as much.  I've lost more trust in him.  I hate these situations  where I am unsure whether or not it is just me who is more flawed with my thoughts or if he is the one who is more flawed.  Sometimes I wonder if I am the one who is not a good friend  like I don’t give people a chance enough.  It would really help if I knew what people thought about me.  But everyone says that I am a nice person etc.. 

Ohh the truth will probably hurt me though hahaha. T__T

[drennalynspast]

[ Thanksgiving 2008, etc ]

written: Sunday, Jan. 11, 2009

This was perhaps one of the most boring thanksgivings I have had ever had.  Most of my cousins are out of state studying at universities (as well as my sister).   Therefore, they were unable to come back to Oklahoma this thanksgiving.  It was just my cousin and I as the young ones.  :/

As a result, we happened to be the main focus of interrogating adults.  I didn’t disclose anything to them.  My uncle asked me how it was going, and I told him I simply thought about changing majors.  He seemed understanding. We talked about art and changing careers etc.

Black Friday was meh.  Luckily I did not have to wake up so early  but still I had to wake up early (10 am ishyes)  Dad, Mom and I went to the mall.  We saw “Quantum of Solace" and shopped afterwards.  Surprisingly my dad was able to sit in the mall for 2+ hours.  I wish I had some boots. -_- I could not find any that i liked or were cheap though.  :/

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[ Doctor etc ] This Tuesday, I went to see the doctor.  She asked me about school and we talked about how people sometimes study medicine just for the money, but they don’t really like it  and hate working.  She gave me a Fluoxetine (generic for Prozac) low dose  10 mg.  I asked her several questions about it.   One of ‘em was if it was okay for me to consume alcohol while on the medication.  She said it was okay.  :D  I really have not been drinking much a lot anyway or in drink in excessive amounts.  So I don’t think it would hurt. o_o;;.  ( I sure miss those old  hang out days with Dave and his friends)   I have to take the meds for 5 more months and see how I do afterwards.  A follow up appointment is in a couple of weeks to see how the meds are working.

[ I am destroyed so peacefully.]I know the meds will start to actually sink in a couple of weeks.  But hmm.. I dunno how I have been feeling.  The day I took the first pill, later on that day,  I just felt so confused.  I did not know what I was feelinglol. Those pills still made me feel sleepy  (lol drowsy side effect). Today, I guess I was okay.  But thennnnn I started to research more about pre-professional programs and major requirements.  I still don’t know what I want to do.  I became confused and overwhelmed at the amount of planning I have to do.  ;A;  seriously, I feel like I have to start all over again.  I might have to take the GRE now and I have to apply/ maybe do interviews (if I get considered)/ do 397947 other things ---all needs to be done before I effing graduate in May 2010 >.>.  I felt sad and more discouraged.  I look back and it was difficult to get this far.  

At this state, I have to drag myself even more.  I feel like part of me is disintegrating ever so slowly.  </p><p>It was weird.  I was just really down.I resumed brooding in my bed, in the dark, under the covers in the warmth and softness. It feels sooo good ;A;.  My roommate prolly thinks I sleep waayyy too much.  I hardly ever want to get out and I am too lazy to go out and eat dinner. (so i eat in my room).  I sometimes feel reluctant to prepare my dinner.  I have these oreo cookies I still have.  I don’t have any milk though I would have to go to the c-store to buy milk.  Damnit, I don’t want to walk that far in the friggin cold.

  Bottomline: I feel like i want to sleep my life away. T___T