#ex-abuser

[burned-doll-weeping]

"Embrace your darkness. And you might actually see the light." — Dannika Dark

Intro under the cut. TW for mentions of abuse.

Call me Hush or Dolly. I'm 21, and use it/its pronouns. I'm cupioromantic, and I fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum (99% neutral on topics of sex, but repulsed by any insinuations of engaging in it, very rarely positive-feeling about either).

I like music, writing, and reading. I also draw sometimes, but don't count on any of that being posted here, unless it's vent stuff. Except music, I will probably have a lot of music posts.

I'm multifandom, and that will be posted here every now and then, but this blog doesn't necessarily exist for that purpose.

What I will post:

— Vents (including triggering topics, all will be tagged appropriately)

— Experiences with my ex (both good and bad) for public scrutiny

— My experiences with family, friends, and more to provide further context about my behavior patterns

— Song recommendations (and maybe a playlist or two)

— Musical media, including lyric posting, sharing the occasional animation for a song, or even just posting music videos I like.

— Aesthetics snd moodboards, mostly from Pinterest (but I sometimes make some, too)

— Fandom content

— Ethical/Moral/Political posts that I agree with

— Maybe the occasional fit check

Fandoms I'm in:

— Hatoful Boyfriend

— The Amazing Digital Circus

— My Happy Marriage

— Soul Eater

— Mob Psycho 100

— The Coffin of Andy and LeyLey

— Undertale/UTAUs

— Minecraft Horror (wonderland, no_moon, SFAW, and more)

— Criminal Minds

— Angels of Death

— Corpse Party

— Yu-Gi-Oh! Season 0/Toei Production, Duel Monsters, Zexal, and Arc V (though I am steering away from all of these, so I may post about them, but please please please do not start any conversations about them./srs)

— Probably more I'm just forgetting.

DNI

— Minors

— Transphobes

— Racists

— Sexists

— Homo-/Bi-/LGBTQphobes

— Fatphobes

— cool-ultrakill-url/v1-kisser and any sideblogs/variants/friends

— Kin/DA blogs (unless I interact first)

— if you are uninclusive in any way.

Why does this blog exist?:

My ex said I was an abuser.

To put it simply, we broke up 2, going on three, years ago. I had texted him recently, to ask if maybe we could go get a coffee (I said drinks because Idr if he even likes coffee, so he very well might have thought I meant alcohol or something) so I could apologize to him for the things I DID do wrong in the relationship face-to-face, because I figured that he was kind and good-hearted, and he deserved an apology.

He never responded, so (and yes, I know I shouldn't have done it, and he'll probably call me a "stalker" for it again later) I went onto one of my alternate blogs to see if he had said anything about it a few days later. Instead of finding any mentions of the text, I found multiple posts in which he called me an abuser.

He accused me of emotional, mental, and sexual abuse.

I want to say he's wrong, of course, as anyone would. But I actually don't know. I don't think that I was being abusive, but I have BPD, and maybe I just didn't recognize my own behavior. So, this blog exists to figure it out, with the help of all of you people who choose to interact.

With that said, this blog will contain many triggering topics, as well as detailed accounts of what I recall from this relationship. Both the good and the bad.

I've been told by numerous people I trust that are close to me, and people who barely knew either of us ever at all, that he is controlling and manipulative, and no, I'm not an abuser. I know he's a fucking liar and I knew it from the beginning, I just didn't want to believe it.

So now the blog exists to be my jiraiblr blog and to shittalk him at any turn I can. He deserves it. ♡

Always knew that fucker had a problem with projecting his problems onto others, but damn, he has hit a new low. Didn't realize he could go any farther down without the guilt eating him alive or something.

Lowkey hope that 14 (now probs like 17) year old actually treats him worse during their delusional episodes. ♡

A note: I no longer have access to the majority of our texts, as they happened in discord dms on an account I no longer have access to. Even if I did, I doubt I would ever share them, not only for my sake, but for his, as we both talked about very personal things during our time together.

Disclaimer:

I am not healthy by any means. Whether you see me as an abuser or not, my behaviors are not always good or kind or healthy. I have BPD and a dissociative disorder. I also have been previously influenced into delusional episodes. My mental state is, to put it simply, fragile.

This means that I have episodes of violent emotional episodes (not of me being violent, but my emotions hitting me violently, if that makes sense), and I can be volatile at times. It also means I have episodes where I am disconnected from reality/myself, and it can cause a lot of issues in how I percieve my emotions and the emotions of those around me.

I am also autistic, and I have inattentive ADHD. These affect how I percieve social interaction and those around me.

I also want to say that I will not lie and say that either of us were saints in the relationship that I will be posting about on this blog. I know for a fact that there are things I did to him that I should not have, and I am trying to learn from those behaviors and be better. Hence why I had asked to meet with him so that I could apologize.

But, on that note, there are things he did that I think were bad, too. Maybe I was worse, or maybe I wasn't. But I think it's important that both of us are remembered as human beings in the posts that I make. Neither of us are paragons, and neither of us are demons.

I also want to be clear that I am very self-deprecating as a general statement. My self-deprecation should not have any influence over your behavior or your thoughts about me. I tend to see myself as a bad person no matter what time of day, or what I may have or may not have done, and I will say as much, because I put heavy emphasis on emotions and feelings. This does not mean, in any capacity, that I want you or anyone else to feel sorry for me or to give me pity or sympathy. I say this because one of the things he accused me of was "stating that I was going to hurt him in a self-deprecating manner so that he would feel sorry for me." I don't have access to those messages, so I don't remember if it was self-deprecating. But I do remember, multiple times, where I was not, and was straightforward with my issues. I don't want anyone else thinking that even one time of me being self-deprecating is meant for pity or leniency.

"You can curse the darkness or light a candle. The choice is yours." — Patrick Kane

Tags:

#hush tag — for random original posts

#burning dolly — for posts about my experiences with my ex

#burning teddy — for posts about my experiences with my family

#broken puppet — for any potentially triggering original posts

#the stuffing — for vent posts

#the scissors — for asks and/or responses to things people have said to me here on tumblr.

#hushed whispers — For my original writing works

#quiet choir — For music-related posts

Mutuals!

@minggegusha (first moot! :D) ◇♡◇ @thevo1dosphere ◇♡◇ @unlisted-landmine (PEAK PUPPYBOY ANGELDUST MOOTIE ♡♡♡♡♡♡) ◇♡◇ @zzz0mbiegurl (PEAK ZOMBIE GIRL INTERACTIVE STALKER MOOT ILYSM POOKIE)

[burned-doll-weeping]

I don't know where to start when it comes to him. So I guess I'll start at the beginning.

I used to identify as a Yami Yuugi/Atem kin from YGO. I had identified that way for years, but I never really took it seriously. Not very long before I met him, I had started to get into more serious kin spaces online because of a friend of mine, but not the mutual friend who introduced us.

At the time, I had begun to see myself as a spiritual kin. I often had dreams about having been Atem, and it led me to believe that I truly was the Pharaoh.

Enter the mutual friend, who I will call S for the duration of these recollections.

S texted me on discord one day. I don't remember the exact reason, but they had mentioned being a Joey/Jonouchi kin, also spiritual. Of course, I mentioned I was an Atem kin, and they then introduced me to their friend. A Yuugi kin.

I wasn't very deep in it, at the time, but he was, and I could tell. So I played up my view on it a bit, in order to seem more palatable to him. I hadn't suspected, at first, that he would want a relationship.

That first day, I think he had said something about it. I had caught on quickly, and, not wanting to hurt his feelings and always open to trying new relationships, I had agreed. We considered ourselves to be in a relationship from day one.

I would like to clarify that this is not healthy behavior. It's not uncommon for people who want to hurt others to use kins and past relationships from these kins in order to manipulate and abuse people, using the kins and past relationship as ammo to make the other party stay. This was never my intention, but, given what happens later in our relationship, I don't doubt that he took it that way.

Upon starting the relationship, things were okay, at first. He only ever called me Atem, and so I reciprocated and only ever called him Yuugi.

I got attached quickly. He was everything I had ever wanted in a partner. He was kind, compassionate. He allowed me to be myself, and I felt safe with him. He refused to let me call him perfect, because he knew he was not a paragon, snd he wanted us to be on equal footing in the relationship.

We both said that we loved each other very early on, possibly even that first day. It's been so long ago that it's hard to recall.

Looking back on it, him telling me he loved me so much and showing me so much attention and intense care felt like he was dragging me into his delusion of having been Yuugi. I was never as deep in it on my own as I was with him. Because to him, I was Atem, and Atem was worthy of love and comfort and care. And yet, I can't recall a single instance in which he used MY name outside of speaking to others who weren't part of any kin spaces. This feeling only worsens when I think about how that love, care, and adoration, began to fade until I felt like a background prop to him.

If I recall correctly, the first time we met in person was when he had come to see me after a school event one day. We lived fairly near each other, but not close enough to go to the same school. I remember him pointing it out, and calling it fate.

I had picked him up and spun him around. I was happy to see him, and I was in deep by then. Iirc, it was also something he had mentioned he would like over text one day.

Things were good. It felt easy to love him, a first for me. I didn't have to fight myself to want to talk to him. I didn't have to push past any discomfort when texting or calling him. Even being with him in person, silence never really felt awkward.

It was new to me. It felt good, to love and be loved in kind. When I had a bad night, he was always there to tell me that it was okay. He wouldn't leave me. He had chosen me. He had grieved me before he even found me. He wanted me, and would keep wanting me.

I think that was when I had started to believe it. When he was there, and he didn't shy away from the hurt and the anger and the fear.

Not long after we got together, but I think after our first meeting in-person and definiteky before the really bad nights started, my brother and I got into a fight. My brother has never been a very kind person. He thinks making fun of people's biggest insecurities is funny. Ider what the fight started as. But I remember him telling me "this is why nobody loves you."

I was pissed. Beyond pissed. And I was hurt, and scared that maybe he was right.

I grabbed a fistful of his hair, and I pulled. Not too hard, just enough to force his head back and hurt.

He warned me to let go or he would hit me. I didn't let go. So he punched me in the mouth. I still have a scar from it.

I still didn't let go, until our uncle came in and broke us up. I could feel the blood running down my chin and dripping onto my shirt, but I just laughed. I didn't cry until I looked in the mirror to inspect the damage.

And then I texted my ex. I told him what happened, and asked if I could stay at his house for a while until things cooled down. He already knew I had a rough family life. He agreed to let me stay.

So he picked me up. I stayed at his house for three original four days.

It was amazing. We played Miitopia, watched Howl's Moving Castle. I remember we had a great time, for the most part.

The morning of the second day, I woke up earlier than I meant to, thanks to a nightmare, one I no longer remember. I remember seeing him walking past the door of the room I had slept in. I knew he woke up earlier than I did, so I went back to sleep. And I had another nightmare, though this one was small and inconsequential. A simple nightmare about him forgetting I was there and leaving for school without me.

I woke up and ran downstairs to find him, and when I did, I hugged him, and told him I thought he'd left me. Looking back on it, I think he misunderstood me, but I hadn't noticed it at the time. I had just buried my face in his shoulder and worked to steady my breathing until my heart quit racing. I didn't exactly want to be stranded in a house with people I didn't know.

He held me the whole time, and swore he would never leave me. It helped me calm down, and it made me feel safe. He said he wouldn't leave me. And even though I interpreted this as meaning he wouldn't leave me all alone in his house with his family whom I barely knew, it still soothed me deeply in a way I don't really know how to explain.

[burned-doll-weeping]

I have my doubts that anyone will ever actually interact with this blog. It's not exactly common to see someone who may or may not be an abuser trying to discern it through others and actually asking for help to be better.

That being said, if I really am an abuser simply for being fundamentally broken (which I am indeed fundamentally broken, but that doesn't inherently make me an abuser, does it?), then I might just kill myself.

"You can't earn love from people who can't feel it, because they are abusers." I don't really feel love very often, if at all, does that make me an abuser?

"It's only ever about them, they NEVER care about the victims!" But if I'm an abuser, that can't be true, because I always feel bad after hurting ANYONE, whether I like them or not.

It's a constant war. Trying to find posts from people who might be like me in this aspect only ever leads me to more posts that make me question. It's painful. It's hard.

If I AM an abuser, then what do I do? Obviously I can't apologize, and I've already changed the behaviors I KNEW were abusive. But that's never good enough for people like my ex. And I know this, because I know what he was like. No amount of changing or apologizing will ever be enough.

So then is my only form of repentance to take my own life? Would that even be enough, or would he call me a coward?

"Healing isn't about making others feel better about you, it's about feeling better for yourself." But that doesn't make sense to me. If I'm getting better, does the reason why actually matter? Obviously it would be one thing if I never changed the thought processes that led me to those behaviors, and I understand that, but I don't really think there IS a way for me to feel better about myself. If there was, you'd think that 8 years of studying psychology and trauma responses and healing for myself to make myself feel better and figure out how to heal so I could would have worked by now. But the only thing that has ever made me feel better was feeling like I belonged and like someone actually, TRULY liked me for me and cared about me and my well-being.

So then am I fundamentally broken for that? Am I an abuser because I want to get better for others and not myself? Does that make me a manipulator?

How am I meant to get better if the very reason I want to get better makes me a sick human being who just keeps hurting everyone around me?

If I can't get better, then maybe dying really would be the best option.