"Embrace your darkness. And you might actually see the light." — Dannika Dark
Intro under the cut. TW for mentions of abuse.
Call me Hush or Dolly. I'm 21, and use it/its pronouns. I'm cupioromantic, and I fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum (99% neutral on topics of sex, but repulsed by any insinuations of engaging in it, very rarely positive-feeling about either).
I like music, writing, and reading. I also draw sometimes, but don't count on any of that being posted here, unless it's vent stuff. Except music, I will probably have a lot of music posts.
I'm multifandom, and that will be posted here every now and then, but this blog doesn't necessarily exist for that purpose.
What I will post:
— Vents (including triggering topics, all will be tagged appropriately)
— Experiences with my ex (both good and bad) for public scrutiny
— My experiences with family, friends, and more to provide further context about my behavior patterns
— Song recommendations (and maybe a playlist or two)
— Musical media, including lyric posting, sharing the occasional animation for a song, or even just posting music videos I like.
— Aesthetics snd moodboards, mostly from Pinterest (but I sometimes make some, too)
— Fandom content
— Ethical/Moral/Political posts that I agree with
— Maybe the occasional fit check
Fandoms I'm in:
— Hatoful Boyfriend
— The Amazing Digital Circus
— My Happy Marriage
— Soul Eater
— Mob Psycho 100
— The Coffin of Andy and LeyLey
— Undertale/UTAUs
— Minecraft Horror (wonderland, no_moon, SFAW, and more)
— Criminal Minds
— Angels of Death
— Corpse Party
— Yu-Gi-Oh! Season 0/Toei Production, Duel Monsters, Zexal, and Arc V (though I am steering away from all of these, so I may post about them, but please please please do not start any conversations about them./srs)
— Probably more I'm just forgetting.
DNI
— Minors
— Transphobes
— Racists
— Sexists
— Homo-/Bi-/LGBTQphobes
— Fatphobes
— cool-ultrakill-url/v1-kisser and any sideblogs/variants/friends
— Kin/DA blogs (unless I interact first)
— if you are uninclusive in any way.
Why does this blog exist?:
My ex said I was an abuser.
To put it simply, we broke up 2, going on three, years ago. I had texted him recently, to ask if maybe we could go get a coffee (I said drinks because Idr if he even likes coffee, so he very well might have thought I meant alcohol or something) so I could apologize to him for the things I DID do wrong in the relationship face-to-face, because I figured that he was kind and good-hearted, and he deserved an apology.
He never responded, so (and yes, I know I shouldn't have done it, and he'll probably call me a "stalker" for it again later) I went onto one of my alternate blogs to see if he had said anything about it a few days later. Instead of finding any mentions of the text, I found multiple posts in which he called me an abuser.
He accused me of emotional, mental, and sexual abuse.
I want to say he's wrong, of course, as anyone would. But I actually don't know. I don't think that I was being abusive, but I have BPD, and maybe I just didn't recognize my own behavior. So, this blog exists to figure it out, with the help of all of you people who choose to interact.
With that said, this blog will contain many triggering topics, as well as detailed accounts of what I recall from this relationship. Both the good and the bad.
I've been told by numerous people I trust that are close to me, and people who barely knew either of us ever at all, that he is controlling and manipulative, and no, I'm not an abuser. I know he's a fucking liar and I knew it from the beginning, I just didn't want to believe it.
So now the blog exists to be my jiraiblr blog and to shittalk him at any turn I can. He deserves it. ♡
Always knew that fucker had a problem with projecting his problems onto others, but damn, he has hit a new low. Didn't realize he could go any farther down without the guilt eating him alive or something.
Lowkey hope that 14 (now probs like 17) year old actually treats him worse during their delusional episodes. ♡
A note: I no longer have access to the majority of our texts, as they happened in discord dms on an account I no longer have access to. Even if I did, I doubt I would ever share them, not only for my sake, but for his, as we both talked about very personal things during our time together.
Disclaimer:
I am not healthy by any means. Whether you see me as an abuser or not, my behaviors are not always good or kind or healthy. I have BPD and a dissociative disorder. I also have been previously influenced into delusional episodes. My mental state is, to put it simply, fragile.
This means that I have episodes of violent emotional episodes (not of me being violent, but my emotions hitting me violently, if that makes sense), and I can be volatile at times. It also means I have episodes where I am disconnected from reality/myself, and it can cause a lot of issues in how I percieve my emotions and the emotions of those around me.
I am also autistic, and I have inattentive ADHD. These affect how I percieve social interaction and those around me.
I also want to say that I will not lie and say that either of us were saints in the relationship that I will be posting about on this blog. I know for a fact that there are things I did to him that I should not have, and I am trying to learn from those behaviors and be better. Hence why I had asked to meet with him so that I could apologize.
But, on that note, there are things he did that I think were bad, too. Maybe I was worse, or maybe I wasn't. But I think it's important that both of us are remembered as human beings in the posts that I make. Neither of us are paragons, and neither of us are demons.
I also want to be clear that I am very self-deprecating as a general statement. My self-deprecation should not have any influence over your behavior or your thoughts about me. I tend to see myself as a bad person no matter what time of day, or what I may have or may not have done, and I will say as much, because I put heavy emphasis on emotions and feelings. This does not mean, in any capacity, that I want you or anyone else to feel sorry for me or to give me pity or sympathy. I say this because one of the things he accused me of was "stating that I was going to hurt him in a self-deprecating manner so that he would feel sorry for me." I don't have access to those messages, so I don't remember if it was self-deprecating. But I do remember, multiple times, where I was not, and was straightforward with my issues. I don't want anyone else thinking that even one time of me being self-deprecating is meant for pity or leniency.
"You can curse the darkness or light a candle. The choice is yours." — Patrick Kane
Tags:
#hush tag — for random original posts
#burning dolly — for posts about my experiences with my ex
#burning teddy — for posts about my experiences with my family
#broken puppet — for any potentially triggering original posts
#the stuffing — for vent posts
#the scissors — for asks and/or responses to things people have said to me here on tumblr.
#hushed whispers — For my original writing works
#quiet choir — For music-related posts
Mutuals!
@minggegusha (first moot! :D) ◇♡◇ @thevo1dosphere ◇♡◇ @unlisted-landmine (PEAK PUPPYBOY ANGELDUST MOOTIE ♡♡♡♡♡♡) ◇♡◇ @zzz0mbiegurl (PEAK ZOMBIE GIRL INTERACTIVE STALKER MOOT ILYSM POOKIE)
