#excessive thoughts

[haeroniel-doliet]

...were comic con tickets always this expensive? No way right? Like 20 pounds for Saturday general entry 🙃 Friday 18 pounds

Alright ranty times below bc I always am ranty abt cons I guess bc bleh

Ew. Or maybe it feels higher considering ive lived away for a year/need to ask a lot more support for variety of things and going to more events/hobbies its more significant, when last year I did about jack shit and paying 20 for two days of con wasnt so bad? The prices must have gone up tbh

Maybe I just wanted to enjoy my last chance to go to London comic con w out paying for hotels/putting extra effort and maybe magically go the whole weekend, but now if itll be like 60 pound.... Is it fuckin worth it? One day maybe, just so I could get my art village on buy all the art postcards and a few weird snacks I guess? I was hoping to whack out my last homestuck cosplay that is missing but grey paint and a wig bc of a dear friend last summer. But. Its 2018? I still dont know anyone in the community, I still probably would freak ut and have a bad time panicking in a sweaty bathroom trying to look okay.

I mean originally I had some kinda plan that id go Friday not dressed up with a friend to get my art and be chill, and Saturday id have had hopefully a friend from like idk the meetup I might now surprisingly get a chance to be at whod want to hang out w me all day and help out w the cosplay bc cosplaying w someone is rad and ive only gotten to do it once. I man the meet up is happening I guwss while im in London, and im the worst at going around dressed up but maybe.. Just maybe I can whip on my jade wig, put a hat or smth on to look normal and then shove the wig jn my bag on the way back and let that girl out for maybe ita last time for jade? Who knowsies. Even then I if its warm ill just wear a space hoodie and the glasses and maaaaybe skirt/shorts idk I havent thought that far but all those things are in London not up here. Aka not impossible and could be fun? Doubt it meetups are horrible and awkward and jittery and embarrassing. I guess I couls say I wish I had made actual friends there, but knowing itll be the last doesnt really matter huh. Plus making friends with adult strangers is hard fuckin enough. No nobody here is interested like that in homestuck and thats a okay. I was hoping to get some friends excited for just con and then maybe instead of fussing in that sweaty bathroom over dumb wigs and bad cosplay just to freak out and not join the meet and have a fairly miserable anxiety ridden time? (mind you I dont get anxiety in most other situations, except maybe lgbt stuff bc anything that I appreciate online and think is coolio is apparently overwhelming in real life and I feel like I dont belong at all and panic)

Anyway, the best time ive ever had at con was going not in cosplay w my cousin who was excited abt things I didnt know or understand and that made the amount of stuff I can appreciate there like triple. Bc im mostly here for original art, maybe American/Japanese snacks and candy aaand thats abt it. I like looking at everything and trying out the splat game was rly fun. Plus spotting a few cosplays I dig like that one Mae I was so happy to recognise. Ofc after associating the cosplay shit and the rare few euphoric "can I take a picture of you"/ being recognized moments I have had in cosplays with everyone else looking rad I do feel a lil empty and not fully includwd bc im not cosplaying??? Idk its dumb my peraonal relationship w cosplay is so skewed and stupid like I like it and would wanna do it but nobody whos close to me gets it and spending money on it is hard and I cant sew nor do I care about characters or series p much at all besides I guess those few homestucks? And then it just goes bad.

Anyway. I dont know what the solution is. Esp. Bc one of my flat mates has still got some interest in coming! I have two proper friends, one who hates London bc of how busy it is so I dont think con is the best place, plus another thata supposed to be coming to London over the break but even thats not confirmed and she might not care... But one of my flatmates is lolita, the other Thai who was a little interested idk anymore, but the lolita one seems to maybe wanna go? Shes a bit ditzy and also badly depressed so its not always easy to hang out w her bc communications hard, and I guess her plan is to stop over in London on her way back to France for the holidays? Idk if this means shed stay at my house over the con weekend? Does that mean shes coming w me there one day/all days? Do I have to babysit her or what and im awkward being a host as it is. I dont think she cares at all for Japanese stuff, anime, manga, games, cosplay,... Anything except some cute things and fashion and princessy and Harry Potter. I mean shes fuckin obsesssed wjth Snape. Im sure shed find smth there but I guess im not gonna press the thing of her coming, if she wants to she can try and idk. I was trying to get a sort of friend in London interested to come, bc the most jittery part is getting there and thatd be so much more fun w someone I like being with, even if while there we split or idk. Buuut she didnt seem interested when I brought it up. I guess I could message her again when im actually considering tickets/when im in London over the break to go for coffee? Idk that could be cool. But then if I have two v different friends itll be bad chaos. Besides, do I wanna go Saturday? Theyve always been crazy and so busy and I guess if im gonna end up not cosplaying and getting over the meetups im not gonna enjoy so much anyway, (heck im finally 19 I could relate to the adults and im uni... It could be different but who knows) then theres no point in Saturday? Unless specitically one of these friends confirms they wanna go the crazy main day? I dont think ive been Sundays, which ykno could be chill to get more art and see the last of it and maybe just sit and enjoy and in case Friday wasnt enough? Friday and Sunday could work, maybe even one on my own and other with a friend? Wild. Anyway. It is kinda sad the whole cosplay thing but I guess its not for me? And idk what ill do over the summer to the bits ive acquired, bc I do have a pair of arm socks and a pair of horns that are kinda... Hmmh. From a friend and id like to not get rid of them but awkward to tote around to my next flat etc. Nor will I like leaving them w my parents in finland... Where theres nothin. Bleh.

Okay minimum plan is Friday on my own just for art and food and then suck it up. Second step is getting a Sunday ticket on the weekend bc some reason Saturday gave me hardcore fomo. Third step up is getting both bc parental support? /Having friends work out and give me more reason to go idk even. Fourth is if I go crazy and change how I feel abt cosplay and everything maybe bc of that meetup and decide I have to don grey and horns for one more Saturday con day. And then not go Sunday bc thats way too expensive and tiredness. I think I like option 3 best idk im okay going kn like this. Not buying tickets yet but keeping an eye out on how fast they sell again

[thecalminside]

hi greg, can you give me some advice on how to tackle fear and intrusive thoughts? mine are becoming especially uncontrollable and terrifying. it frightens me so much it paralyses me and I can't work. please, I need the help. thank you <3

These thoughts are trying to get your attention. And I think they have it. You just want them to go away and that misses the message they are trying to get to you and so they persist. They are letting you know that something needs your attention. Something needs to heal and to be resolved.

I see excessive thoughts like this. If you stub your toe, it will hurt and be discomforting when you walk. It hurts and it reminds you of what needs to heal. The pain reminds you that you need to take it easy on that foot for now. So, in the same way as the toe hurts as a reminder, your thoughts are there to remind you of what needs to heal. Mentally. What needs to be resolved emotionally. This is also like if a fireman came to the door and said your house is on fire, they are warning you and letting you know that somethings isn’t right. Your house is on fire and to shut the door and ignore the fireman or wish him away is the same as wanting these thoughts to go away without getting the message. So, then, what is the message? What needs to heal? How are these thoughts trying to help you? They are at the point that they disrupt your whole life, because they want you to stop and heal. The same way that fireman would interrupt your dinner and pull you out of the burning house to save you. These thoughts are interrupting your life so that they can help you, just like the fireman would. Try to get a glimpse that they are there to help, they are not nice and not comfortable, but help sometimes is that way. The fireman, dragging you out of your home, would most likely knock over your favorite price of furniture on the way out, because he is trying to save you, he doesn’t care about the furniture you have. So you not doing good at your job because of these thoughts is that furniture, collateral damage, so to speak.

So, what is it that needs to heal? What needs your attention. Investigate. Look. Feel the space in your chest, your heart. Know that these thoughts are just thoughts, just a way your mind functions. Just the way it works. If they are scaring you, that is their way of getting you to pay attention to what needs your attention. Feel your heart and be with yourself and take an honest look, what are you not looking at or avoiding that needs to heal or be resolved. Maybe something from your past. A past you that is still in you and screaming for you to love and heal their pain. Look, feel and try and see. Write, meditate, talk to a close friend or trusted family member and try to get to it. This may take a bit of time and some digging, or it may be very obvious, but look and see. This is my advice.

If you heal what needs to heal and resolve what needs to be resolved. You won’t need those thoughts anymore and they will leave you, naturally. You’ve gotten the message and left the burning house and were saved by those thoughts.

I hope this makes sense and I hope it helps.

~greg