Time
My Christmas has been all about organizing my boxes of old junk, which have been laying in a corner in my home for the past 2 years. I waited specifically untill Christmas because it’s the only two days in the year I allow myself to not think about obligations aka responsibilites. Also because I have no other choice. Everyone and everything seems to be involved during those days with important I-never-make-time-for-this kind of stuff. The new recipe you don’t try out because, your energylevel is too low after work and warming up soup is the only meal that doesn’t involve more than three armgestures to prepare. Or this new lunchplace you have been wanting to explore but postponed to another week with less obligations (like never), because you have a paper to finish for school. To keep up with all these important non-priorities I make lists. I make a ton of lists. It’s soothing, I get nervous if I don’t make them. So everyday I add tasks to my neverending list and every evening I cross off whatever I have done that day. The stuff I never cross off is what I planned on organizing with Christmas. It took me way longer to get through the trees of paper I’ve collected throughout my life. I seemed as if I wanted to hold onto almost every single thing I came across in my 23 years of excistence. I even stored things I didn’t really have fond memories about. So I threw out all the garbage and kept the things worth remembering and cool enough to show to my grandkids. I’ve always been upset about the fact my mom or dad can’t show me anything they’ve made in kindergarten or highschool. Would’ve been fun to read letters their friends wrote them or what comments teachers wrote on their reportcards. Realizing how dearly I wanted to forever remember the past also made me realize how much stuff I was holding onto. Things I was saving up untill it would be the perfect time to use those precious perfect possesions . My elaboratr sticker collection was my pride and joy when I was ten. I loved the glittery kind that sparkled if you would hold them in the light and all the colours of the rainbow would reflect on your skin. My alltime favourite sticker was one of a pink pretty elegant fish decorated with pink glitter and partnered up with a bright green seaweed plant which offered great contrast. I remember always being reluctant to use that sticker. This sticker was super special so I was not going to use it for just any occasion or just anybody. No I was going to save it untill the perfect occasion or person would present itself. Well, it’s been 10+ years and it had been collecting dust for atleast 8 off those years. Looking at my precious sticker I felt as if it clicked inside my head. There is not going to be a perfect timing. My idea of perfect, whatever it is, doesn’t exsist in the real world, it never has and never will. And I have been doing this since forever. Waiting. I don’t know what I’ve been waiting for and I probably never will. With the new year waiting around the corner I’d like to be very cliché and have a new years resolution or more like a New Years Mantra. My first serious one I believe…. ‘Don’t waste anymore time darling, you don’t know how much more time you’ll get, untill you end up with nothing but regret.’ When in doubt, hesitation or any insecurity bubbling up my brain I’ll just repeat this. New hair colour, body modification, home redecorating, unknown situations, shit I’m too scared to say. I might need to repeat it a couple of times, but I just don’t want to wait anymore. Time is too precious to store it up any longer and let the dustangels dance on it’s I’ll-figure-out-what-I-wanna-do-with-this-later-box. J.Cole said it best on Mr. Nice Watch. ‘Time is all we got.’
