#exo deep dark

[mariestherapeutics]

Deep Dark ft. Sehun: Part 4. WARNING: Mild Language. There are themes in this series (such as depression) that may trigger unpleasant memories or feelings, please read at your own discretion. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(♫) I know where you hide alone in your car, know all of the things that make you who you are.

The next day when Sehun comes over after class (he left and told you to go home without him), he brings the pizza he promised. "You really didn't have to," You try telling him, but he smiles and hands the two boxes to you.

"Let's get started, shall we?" He asks, stepping in. You've never been a particularly clean person in the home, and you see Sehun silently note that in his head as he enters your bedroom. "Your bed sheets are still messed up from yesterday." He points out, picking up the end of the blankets and fixing it.

"Sorry if that bothers you." You mumble, having the shame to blush. When was the last time you cared about your home's appearance? "Here, let me do it." You say, walking over to his side and trying to take it from him.

He waves it off, finishing, and walks back out into your kitchen saying, "Just open the pizza already."

Feeling guilty, you obey and flip open the lids of both boxes. Inside one is an all vegetable delight and the other is an all meat pizza. When he comes back in with two plates he probably found in a cupboard, you look at him with a straight face.

"I wasn't sure what kind you liked, so I figured I'd order the two extremes and let you choose." Satisfied with his explanation, you pick one out of each box and set them on the plate he hands you.

"Fortunately for me, I love both kinds." You laugh, and you don't miss the longer-than-necessary smile he gives you before moving to sit on your bed, like before. "So what are we doing today?" You ask him, mirroring his position.

"I think we should do our individual assignments first, actually," He muses, pulling out his notes from today's lecture. "I feel like explaining the science behind light in astronomy in twenty pages will take a while to complete." Your ambition deflates slightly, not expecting him to propose doing the day's homework first. After a moment, he's still watching you for a reaction, leaning his elbow on his knee and his chin in his palm, his pinky resting between his smirking lips, and you see in his eyes that he's doing it on purpose.

He's taking what you said in class today and using it against you. You told him you didn't like doing homework, that it took too much energy out of you and wasted your time (not that you normally used your time productively anyways, but still). You said you wouldn't do it unless you were made to.

"You ass," You laugh, filled with a sudden playful vengeance. When was the last time you felt that? "Fine, I'll work on it this time." You relent, each of you pulling out your laptops simultaneously and bringing up Word.

"Do you need my..?" He starts, but his sentence is interrupted by the pizza he shoves into his mouth. You get the question anyway.

"Yeah," You hum, pulling his astronomy notes in between the two of you so you could use them, too. "I'll ask if I need help, too." You add cheekily.

"How needy of you." He jokes. For the next hour, while the pizza slices are steadily decreasing until there's no more, you don't realize you start staring at Sehun. When you finally do, it's only when he blindly reaches into the box for another piece. After a few seconds of failure, he glances at the box in vexation before seeing there's none left. "Aw," He exclaims in disappointment. "The pizza's gone."

"I wonder why," You reply sarcastically, and he releases a small chuckle before diligently going back to his essay. You gander at your own paper, six pages in, before deciding you don't really want to work on it and look back at him. You take the opportunity to let your thoughts wander, mulling over the past forty two hours.

It doesn't take a psychologist to see that your mood has risen since you met him. Hell, it doesn't even take a bystander to see that. You can see it perfectly fine, and while he wouldn't be able to know that, the knowledge of his large influence on your feelings startles you. True, he's the first human you've really interacted with for more than ten minutes in over a month, but still. How can someone have such influence over someone else?

"Hey," You say after a bit more staring. Something came to your mind. "Hey," You say louder, nudging his knee until he looks at you in surprise. He was so caught up in his work he didn't even notice you talking. How expected of Oh Sehun.

"Need help already?" He teases, but you shake your head.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" You quip.

"A girlfriend?" He reiterates, a light pink dusting across his cheeks. "No... why?" He asks, looking back at his computer screen awkwardly. The fact that you two aren't even friends becomes evident by this action, but you push on without thinking about it.

"Oh, well, uh," You stutter. "It's just... I wouldn't want your girlfriend to think I was hogging you or something since we're going to be seeing each other more." You come up with on the spot. Is there an actual reason why you asked him?

"That's not what I meant by 'why'." Sehun sighs, smirking a bit at something he was thinking. "I meant 'why would you think I even had a girlfriend?'"

"Really?" You blink in shock. Sehun looks at you now.

"Yeah. Why?"

"Well, you're just... you look like the kind of guy who'd have girls throwing their selves at you, if you know what I mean." You say, feeling embarrassed all of a sudden.

"No, no, I don't." He frowns, confused.

"You're handsome." You explain in exasperation, moving past the point of subtlety. "You're practically ideal in every aspect. I don't get why you'd be single." You tell him.

Instead of blushing like before, he barks a genuine laugh, clutching his stomach as he doubles over. You're about to ask what's so funny about that, but he says, "That'd be terrifying, to be honest!" The mental image of hundreds of girls throwing their selves at him crosses your mind, and you can agree. "But thanks for the compliment?" He chuckles, collecting himself and leaning against your headboard.

You didn't say it to stroke his ego, you were just stating a fact. After a short pause, in which he types something long in his essay, he asks, "What about you?"

"Do I have a boyfriend?" You tilt your head, and he nods, still typing. Then, you laugh, but it's different from his. It's forced, untruthful... sad. "Nobody wants me." You say casually, stacking your empty plates into the pizza boxes. "Nobody wants broken things." You add quietly.

In your peripheral vision, you see Sehun stop typing and look at you. You can't tell what emotion is on his face since you're looking away, but still feel uncomfortable under it.

"Why do say stuff like that? Are you depressed or something?" He asks, laughing a bit. You don't immediately answer him, not knowing what to tell him, but you see him shut his laptop before scooting closer to you. "Hey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be insensitive." He apologizes, not continuing until you look up at him. "I'm just... surprised." He comments. With a reluctant look on his face, he asks you, "But, why? What are you possibly unsatisfied with about yourself?"

The laugh you give is real this time. "Um, everything?" You say lightly, but he doesn't laugh with you. "I'm literally the world's biggest fail." Sehun doesn't seem like the kind of person who'd try starting an argument over it, so you're not surprised when he shrugs and moves back into his original spot.

"Not true," He says after a pregnant pause. You gape at him in surprise. Okay... you think. Maybe he is the kind of person who'd start an argument about it. "You got up this morning. That's an achievement, if you ask me." He says without looking at you. In fact, you notice he's not really looking at anything. "You went to class, too. That's another achievement. Remember how you didn't want to yesterday?" He snorts, remembering something and turning his head to lift an eyebrow at you. "Oh, and you told me a funny joke, so there's the greatest achievement of all." He grins.

You'd question his views on achievements more thoroughly another time, but right now you're more curious about that last one... "I did?" You inquire, not recalling telling him a joke. When did you start wondering what mattered to him? In fact, when did you start caring about anything at all?

"You did," He confirms, opening up his laptop again to look away from you. "You said I was ideal." He chuckles, and with a chill realization, you know that your psych textbook was right. There are two types of depressed people, after all.

There are those who don't care about anything anymore, including their appearance, other's opinions, and future, like you, and there are those who pretend they still do, putting up a facade for everyone to believe in...

...like Sehun.

(Continued in Part 5... Deep Dark)

[mariestherapeutics]

Deep Dark ft. Sehun: Part 5. WARNING: There are themes in this series (such as depression) that may trigger unpleasant memories or feelings, please read at your own discretion. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(♫) The smile on your face is stuck in my mind.

(Sehun's P.O.V)

When you sat with him yesterday, he couldn't look at you at first because his face was so red. You had heard him request your presence and actually did it, and though it made him feel good, he had this wrenching feeling of nerves in his stomach that he didn't appreciate.

Today when you sit with him, he's a little more composed. "Hey," He greets, flashing you a smile. You smile back at him, looking absolutely exhausted. "Early morning?" He asks as you slump back in your chair and drop your bag.

"Too early." You nod, shutting your eyes. He guesses that you stood up late last night finishing the assignment that was given, since yesterday's class was in the evening, you only had a few hours to complete it after he left. Sehun, on the other hand, had no problem doing it, and felt guilt seep its way into him for having it so easy.

Before he has any time to say something, the lecture begins, and he silently decides to give you a laurel afterwards for trying so hard. The lesson is laggard, though, and he has a hard time paying attention to it. But he does his best, taking notes that he's sure will help aid you and him in the project.

Afterwards, when he's walking to your dorm to work, you stop him while passing the hill he first met you on. "What are they doing?" You ask, covering your face slightly and hanging your head while peering up there. It takes Sehun a second to realize you're cringing, and another second to realize why.

Up on the hill are the three most popular guys on campus, sitting on giant alien head beanbags while playing a round of chess. "How embarrassing is that?" You ask him, looking horrified at them, but Sehun's interested.

"Come up there with me." He says, not wanting to leave you, but doesn't wait for your acceptance to start walking. He hears you join him before reaching the top, though, and is relieved he doesn't have to approach them alone. "What's up?" He asks the closest male, Byun Baekhyun, who glances up at him with a grin.

"We're playing space chess, wanna watch?" He asks. Sehun could tell it was chess from the bottom of the hill, but now that he's up here, he sees that someone (probably the three of them) taped different space-related things to each of the pieces. For example, the knights had alien heads on them, and the pawns had small beam guns.

"Why, though? Here, of all places?" You ask from behind Sehun, and he steps aside so he's not in the way. This time, Jongdae pipes up.

"We're advertising our club." He says, looking at you from over his shoulder. "You should join us, S.P.U.B." He says, flashing a hand-made badge at you. Sehun reads the small print on it, which was written carefully in black ink.

Kim Jongdae, Treasurer of S.P.U.B. (Space, Paranormal, Unknown, and Beyond!)

"I'll think about it," Sehun hears you say, but he has a feeling that you're just being polite.

"Sounds cool." Sehun says seriously, interested in their obtuse way of advertising. "Tell me more about it another time, since I'm busy today, but I'm seriously interested." He tells the guy not playing, Kim Junmyeon.

"Sure thing." He replies, smiling friendly. Junmyeon's badge says he's the fund raiser planner. "If you look at the notice boards at any dorm, you'll find a flyer with a meeting day." He says.

"Cool." Sehun grins, and you look at him with no expression, which Sehun assumes is your polite judgment face.

"Now we're expecting you to be there, uh," Baekhyun looks back at Sehun a second time. "Sehun, right? We had a class together before." He smiles, proud that he remembered. The badge on Baekhyun's shirt says he's the assistant manager. Sehun nods to answer his question, but before he can be distracted any more, he excuses you two and offers his hand to help you down the hill. You don't take it, but grab his forearm instead. A safe place to touch someone you don't know well.

"You really like space, don't you?" You ask him after you enter your dormitory, tossing your bag through your open bedroom door and taking a seat at your kitchen island. "But you can do better than S.P.U.B." You tell him with a mocking tone. You obviously thought the group was a joke.

"Can I?" He asks vaguely, setting his stuff down and sitting opposite of you. "I didn't see anything wrong with it." He shrugs.

"The only members we met were those three stooges." You throw out, opening the closest cupboard and pulling out a bag of chips. "What good can come out of that?"

"Yeah, but I haven't met their manager yet." Sehun comments easily, grabbing a chip when you rip the bag open. "They could be the real deal. Besides, I said I was interested, not invested." He points out, and you hold up your hands in defeat.

"Oh Sehun can do what Oh Sehun pleases." You say. "But I wasn't sold." Sehun isn't surprised, but he doesn't say that. He's learned from his multiple attempts at socializing that there are some things better left unsaid.

"Wanna work, then?" He asks you, changing the subject. "Or not, since you look like you want to do something else." He quips, seeing you fidget slightly. You bite your lip in guilt.

"Sorry," You mumble, looking away. "But I want to work on it later."

"Why'd I walk you here, then?" He chuckles, finding it completely pointless.

"Well, I still wanted to spend time with you, just not doing class work." You say, looking everywhere but him. When he realizes you're blushing, that wrenching feeling Sehun felt yesterday returns tenfold, and he's sure his face is red, so he looks away from you, too, pretending that made him invisible.

"Ha," He laughs airily, unsure of what to say. "Um... what did you want to do, then..?" He asks quietly. Is he supposed to ask in this kind of situation? Or is this when he's supposed to deny you and leave? To end it before it can escalate? Would it escalate? Would he want it to stop if it did?

"I don't know, I was going to offer to watch a movie, but your reaction is making me regret ever saying anything." When he looks back at you in embarrassed surprise, he sees a small frown hiding behind your blush. "I didn't mean it in any way but platonic." You reassure him, but he starts shaking his head.

"No, no, I didn't think you did." He says. "It's just... well, I guess I'm glad you offered, is all." He confesses, not realizing he felt that way until he said it. Has he always had the desire to get to know you?

"Oh," You utter, blinking in shock. "A-Alright. A movie's fine, then?"

"It's perfect." He says a little too eagerly. He internally slaps himself for it. He honestly isn't trying to look desperate for a friend, but if he's being honest, you'd be the first one since his freshman year of college. Then Sehun internally slaps himself for thinking you even wanted to be friends with him. Maybe you just want a break from all the work, and are including him in that down town to make him feel better.

But you smile at him, and Sehun thinks it's brighter than a thousand suns. He's never seen something so dazzling in his life, and he's left wordless as you stand up with the bag of chips, walking over to your bedroom. "T.V's in here, let's go pick a movie."

Sehun allows himself a moment or two to collect himself before following suite and taking his usual spot on your bed. He's acutely aware that he's in your personal space now that it's not about homework, and his palms start to sweat out of nerves.

What is wrong with me, he thinks irritably, wiping them on his jeans. He's never felt this way in his life. He's starting to abhor the wrenching thing in his gut because it makes him aware of all the unnecessary things. Like your hair color. He's never cared about it much, and thought about it even less. He's never noticed how bright your eyes shone, either.

For a split second, Sehun is breathless as he stares at you, because he thinks he sees the stars in your eyes. I'm imagining it, he tells himself, but it's there. The night sky is all in your eyes.

Then, with a deflating realization, he figures out why. You must have installed them last night or before class this morning, since they weren't there before, but white Christmas lights hung around the perimeter of your ceiling, lighting up the room. He didn't even notice the lights were off because they illuminated the small room so well.

"Hello? Earth to Sehun?" You ask, snapping him out of his thoughts. "Maybe you do belong in that club." You chuckle lightly, waving two DVDs in his face. "I said, which one do you want to see?"

"Oh," He says distractedly, glancing at the movies before pointing to a random one. "This one."

"Okay," He watches you with a newfound fascination as you put in the disc, before joining him on the bed. You lean against the headboard comfortably, looking not at all how he's feeling inside. "You chose a comedy, so I hope you have the same humor as me, or else I'll be the only one laughing." You gander at him, grinning.

Ah. He's looking at the sun again.

Seriously, Sehun thinks, smiling back before looking at the T.V. screen. What the hell is wrong with me?

(Continued in Part 6... Deep Dark)

[mariestherapeutics]

Deep Dark ft. Sehun: Part 3. WARNING: There are themes in this series (such as depression) that may trigger unpleasant memories or feelings, please read at your own discretion. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(♫) I can make you feel all better, just take it in, and I can show you all the places you've never been, and I can make you say everything that you've never said.

You accidentally sleep in. Your alarm clock didn't do it's job and wake you up on time, so when you finally woke up naturally, you decided you just wouldn't go to class at all that night. The sucky thing about having this class is that every day it switches times, and today it started in the morning. One day of astronomy can't cover that much important stuff, you decide.

You shower despite your plans of staying in all day, wanting to feel refreshed. You stare blankly at your wall while the hot water hits your back, not wanting to confront the insecurities and dilemmas that are always asking for your attention.

When the water gets too cold for you to stand, you turn it off and grab your towel from the dryer, drying off and wrapping it around your body. You don't bother putting on actual clothes, settling for just a pullover and shorts, before curling up in your bed sheets.

You desperately try and find something to keep distracting you, and are grateful when you hear a knock at your door two hours later. You were nearly spiraling in your thoughts at that point without anything to do, and leapt to your feet before dashing to the door.

"Hey, partner," It's Sehun. He's frowning. "Where were you today?" He asks, coming in when you step aside for him. You shut the door before answering, avoiding his eye.

"I woke up late." You tell him, sounding more resigned than you meant to. "Did I miss anything?" You ask to give him the false impression that you felt bad about it.

"Only the entire explanation of our group project, don't worry." He says sarcastically, but you can tell he's not happy. He waits for you to give him somewhere to sit, and you point to your bedroom. At this, he drops his frown to widen his eyes at you. "Will that be okay?" He asks.

"Why wouldn't it be?" You retort, walking there first to show it was. "You're not going to do anything, right?" You say, unconcerned.

"Of course not." He replies, though he doesn't have to. You've already noticed he's not like your typical guy.

You both take a seat on your bed, because a mess occupies everywhere else, and you notice how he takes a respectable distance away from you, nearly on the other side of the mattress. How noble.

"You can catch me up if I need it, though, can't you?" You challenge. You wonder if he's regretting his decision of partnering up with you yet, but he chuckles slightly, nodding his head.

"No, you're right. I'm sorry for hounding you the moment I saw you." He apologizes, then, more shyly, says, "If I'm being honest, I'd have skipped, too, if I woke up late."

"Wow, really?" You ask, genuinely surprised. You don't miss the way he's shocked by your reaction. "Who would have thought that Mr. Oh, the guy who asked for extra homework, would be willing to miss a day of lecture?" You ask jokingly, and he colors, rubbing the back of his neck.

"My name is Sehun. And nobody's perfect." He shrugs, making you chuckle.

"_____. And trust me, I would know." You intentionally don't say anything else, waiting for him to ask you what you mean, but he doesn't. Something briefly crosses his face, before it goes away and he says something else.

"So in class today," He explains how the professor droned of the project requirements and guidelines, going over it for you on paper for better understanding, and explained how he wanted to execute the entire thing. You admitted you were impressed with his ability to quickly come up with good plans like this, and watched him color again in amusement. "Any questions?" He asks you when he's done.

"Nope, you covered everything I would ask about." You tell him. You didn't notice how much closer the two of you got on the bed. Now that you do, though, you do start to feel uncomfortable... there's one thing being in bed with a stranger and another thing when it's with your partner, you tell yourself, though it's not comforting in the least. In this case, your partner is a stranger... "Let's start." You blurt, not wanting to dwell on it.

"If you want," He says, turning to an empty page and folding back the cover of his notebook. "What should our solar system be called?" He asks, then, "No... how many planets should we have? Or, how many suns should we have? It'd be cool if we had three, like in sci-fi movies." He quips.

You two discuss it more in depth for the next two hours, asking each other questions about planet names, the size of different masses, if you both really wanted a galaxy with two suns (because that would mean more work when documenting). You find yourself unexpectedly having fun talking with him. When you get into a heated discussion of why you opposed having one sun (which he later suggested), he suddenly lies on his back and groans.

"Okay, I think that's enough for now." He decides, and you bite back your "I don't want another Pluto" comment. "Let's work on it later today. Right now, I need a break." He says, and you can't help thinking how that seems uncharacteristic of him.

"I don't need one," You say, thinking he was trying to be considerate of you. "You seem like a binge kind of guy. A hard worker."

"Do I?" He muses, eyes closed peacefully.

"I thought so."

"I guess I seem that way." He says vaguely, but doesn't explain his thoughts. You don't ask, either, since he didn't ask about you earlier that morning. You weren't being spiteful, just respectful. If he didn't want to know anything more about you than he needed to, you're fine with that.

Following his lead, you lie opposite of him, your bodies flipped so that your head is by his feet and vise versa. In the short time you've talked with him, you've grown accustomed to his presence, and no longer feel the urge to move away from him. It's wrong, you tell yourself, yet, you can't feel any bad aura from him.

The tranquility of the moment, the warmth gently oozing from his legs, the dim lights of your room, and the still relaxed muscles you have from your shower all make you drowsy. You don't notice when you fall asleep.

(Sehun's P.O.V)

The truth is, Sehun was a little upset that you didn't show up today. You had accepted his request to be partners, and you even seemed to be willing to do your part. That included, in Sehun's opinion, attending class everyday to learn and take notes.

For him personally, he needed to finish every assignment and project this class had to offer him. He needed the validation that he was capable of doing all the work. He needed his professor, his classmates, his parents, everyone, to think that he had it all down. You blowing him off like this didn't help. He nearly stomped all the way to your dorm room and had to stop himself from banging on your door.

But the second you opened it... you looked so out of it. Not in the way you looked or dressed, but in your eyes. Sehun could only smile at you and assure you it was fine, because he didn't have the heart to berate you anymore.

After explaining what he learned, which only took roughly fifteen minutes, he was relieved to hear that you understood it. He of course was skeptical about if you truly received it as well as he intended you to, but your ideas and questions while planning the project proved that you did. You were a fast learner, and he appreciated that.

And he normally is a binge kind of guy, like you said, but so much social interaction was making him exhausted, even though it's about his favorite topic. He replays his day so far almost twelve times, trying to figure out if he said and did all the right things, if he should have said or done something else.

He's brought out of his thoughts, though, when you turn on your side, legs curling up and brushing his waist. He sits up, eyes widening, before realizing you were sleeping. How could you sleep so easily around him? Did you really trust him that much? Or did you really, like Sehun's constantly thought of you since he first saw you on the hill, not care?

Before he can stop himself, his rests a hand on your calf. "Hey," He says gently, shaking you even gentler. "Hey, are you awake?" What a dumb question, did he ask that before? "_____." Just like last time, your eyelids flutter open and you peer up at him with no reaction, and just like last time, he moves his hand away.

"Huh?" You mumble, your voice laced with sleep. You stretch lazily on the sheets, not caring that your thigh pressed against his while doing it. "How long have I been sleeping?" You ask him.

"Well, when did you start sleeping?" He asks teasingly, the deja vu hitting him tenfold. "It's 3:00 PM."

Instead of commenting on the time, you close your eyes again and pull the sheets over you. "I still have time to nap, then." You mumble, making him chuckle. "Wake me when you feel like working again." You add with a short yawn.

"I think I'll leave, actually," Sehun chides, standing up from the bed. When he looks back at you, your eyes are open again. They're looking at him. "I have to finish today's assignment anyways. And I wouldn't want to stay past my invite. Hey, I'll bring some pizza over next time, how does that sound?" He offers politely. You make no sign of stopping him or accepting his offer when he starts putting his things away, so he makes up his mind, not even pausing, except to turn off the lights.

"Sehun," You call when he's halfway out the door, and he silently walks back to your side. Your eyes are closed again, but you must know he was still there, because you continue. "I'm sorry I disappointed you, but I should have expected it." Sehun can't believe his eyes at first, but when he takes a closer look, he sees a single tear slide down your cheek. "I do this to everyone who takes the time to be in my life."

He knows it's weird and overstepping his role as a partner, but he can't help it. Sehun takes his index finger and gently wipes the tear away with his knuckle, saying, "It's okay, _____. You didn't disappoint me." When he takes his hand back, he whispers, "Have a good nap."

He's about to walk out before it gets any more intimate, before he hears you tell him, "I'll come to class from now on, for sure." He turns to face you one more time.

"Sit next to me from now on, too." You don't answer, and he safely assumes you passed out. If you cried about it, it must have been bothering you all morning. He doesn't expect you to actually sit next to him. In fact, he's flabbergasted that he even said it at all.

(Continued in Part 4... Deep Dark)