I've never been very good at being empathetic and gentle. I really only ever think about myself and try my best to not be mean to others in the process. But I dont like.. consider people ya know? Like I try to be surface level nice and not be mean or rude. But Im not going out of my way for anyone. I wont let my guard down to feel something and be truely vulnerable, intamate, and emotionaly available around someone else. I dont know how to handle peoples traumas and vulnerabilities with my hands. I wish I knew how but i cant hold it gently enough like I could as a child. I will absolutely bail on people just so I can be alone and do whatever I want. I try not to, but i think thats why I dont want to get close to anyone. I dont like bailing, but i know i cant function on anyone elses time clock and with their feelings so id rather not be bothered and go alone. I want freinds but i long for a day when I can just do what i want in a place I live and feel like I can make my own decisions without ever having to think about anyone else. Not nessisarily in a mean way, i just struggle with motivation and energy and if I cant do stuff within a short time frame I wont do it, and sometimes things or other people get in the way of that small window. I just wish it was feasible to live alone in a decent place. I just wish i could afford it. Eh.
Maybe ive just hit a phase where i really want to grow and change and find myself so I dont want anyone else in the way right now.
It feels strange. It is nice in a way though.
28 years of being suicidal and completly giving up on life and im finally starting to WANT to live. To grow. To change. I always felt so behind. Everyone else did this 10 years ago. But idk. Now I dont care if im behind now. I just want to move at MY pace. Not anyone elses. Im ready to move on with my life. Im ready to mold my body. Get the things I want. Try out new things and see who i want to be and what I like. I just have felt so different lately. Its happened slowly over the past year.
...
I think ... maybe I did get some form of closure from talking to you again. Idk. I just feel... Different. More awake. More alive.
I cant beleive I actually WANT to finally figure out what reality actually is. To see the world around me. To take care of my body. After being so so deeply dissasociated my whole life.
Its so strange.
So strange.
Ive been alive for 28 years
But I feel like I've only recently started to realize im alive.