Don't Find Me @aproperplacetoscream - Tumblr Blog

So sleep delrived the universe is quivering and twitching like its made of meat.

I've never been very good at being empathetic and gentle. I really only ever think about myself and try my best to not be mean to others in the process. But I dont like.. consider people ya know? Like I try to be surface level nice and not be mean or rude. But Im not going out of my way for anyone. I wont let my guard down to feel something and be truely vulnerable, intamate, and emotionaly available around someone else. I dont know how to handle peoples traumas and vulnerabilities with my hands. I wish I knew how but i cant hold it gently enough like I could as a child. I will absolutely bail on people just so I can be alone and do whatever I want. I try not to, but i think thats why I dont want to get close to anyone. I dont like bailing, but i know i cant function on anyone elses time clock and with their feelings so id rather not be bothered and go alone. I want freinds but i long for a day when I can just do what i want in a place I live and feel like I can make my own decisions without ever having to think about anyone else. Not nessisarily in a mean way, i just struggle with motivation and energy and if I cant do stuff within a short time frame I wont do it, and sometimes things or other people get in the way of that small window. I just wish it was feasible to live alone in a decent place. I just wish i could afford it. Eh.

Maybe ive just hit a phase where i really want to grow and change and find myself so I dont want anyone else in the way right now.

It feels strange. It is nice in a way though.

28 years of being suicidal and completly giving up on life and im finally starting to WANT to live. To grow. To change. I always felt so behind. Everyone else did this 10 years ago. But idk. Now I dont care if im behind now. I just want to move at MY pace. Not anyone elses. Im ready to move on with my life. Im ready to mold my body. Get the things I want. Try out new things and see who i want to be and what I like. I just have felt so different lately. Its happened slowly over the past year.

...

I think ... maybe I did get some form of closure from talking to you again. Idk. I just feel... Different. More awake. More alive.

I cant beleive I actually WANT to finally figure out what reality actually is. To see the world around me. To take care of my body. After being so so deeply dissasociated my whole life.

Its so strange.

So strange.

Ive been alive for 28 years

But I feel like I've only recently started to realize im alive.

#rambling #ive been leaving the rv more this year. going places. trying new food.#exploring more #visiting freinds #peirced my ears getting haircuts often getting clothes and assesories i like #taking T #quit smoking last year #trying to eat more variety of foods tan i have in the past #trying to eat healthier but slowly #idk.#idk what happened #i guess just alot of little things changing #and... a little bit of a push in the beginning. something to relight me #and moving too #idk #in another manner of speaking... cyan feels like me now. i feel closer to him with every step i take. closer to the inner child #closer to the thing that keeps me alive. my reason for living. becomeing the thing i refused to let out of my chest #things are okay #its gonna be okay #im happier than i have been in my life on average #not every day is perfect but it dosent have to be #this is enough. this is good enough #but i will keep going #gotta start exercising n shit now #not looking forward to that part with jow hot it always is here lol #hate sweat hate being dirty hate feeling i needa shower twice a day cause of T and my hormones

I need to be alone so i cantalk to myself im so mad but i cant say " can i gave alone timeso i can talk to myself " cause ppl treat you like theres something wrong with you like stfu.

If i dont get alone time to talk to myself i get so fucking agrivated.

Ugh i can feel it again and i have the self awareness to realize i fucking hate it i haatee it. Fuck i get the isolation now this SUCKS.

Cautiouly and curiously peepin'

OH TO WATCH IT COME AND GO

EBB AND FLOW

WE FEEL

AN INCREASE

SUBTLE

BUT NOTICABLE

WE USED TO BE BLIND TO IT CREATURE!

WE WATCH IT RISE

A GENTLE HUM IN THE HEAD

TRYING TO COAX OUT THE DORMANT STATIC

WE NOTICE!

WE SPEAK!

WE DECIDE!

WE ARE LEARNING SO MUCH CREATURE!

WE CRAVE THE EMBRACE

THE DRIP DRIP DRIP

FROM THE CHALICE FULL OF GOLD

FULL OF GOD

DIVINE LIQUID

BUT OH CREATURE!

POOR POOR CREATURE!

EVEN YOU KNOW THE COST

WE KNOW THE COST IS TOO GREAT

WE ARE GROWING

SLOWLY

SUBTLE

BUT NOTICABLE

WE ARE DOING SO WELL TOGETHER!

WITHOUT OLD GODS

WE CRAVE

BUT...

Love ourselves enough to know its not worth it anymore. We cant keep doing this forever. We're getting old. Our health is our priority. Our body is our priority.

I gained the power over the body, over the mind, only to realize how terrible a state it is in. So I began molding it.

Changing it to fit my form. To fit what we always wanted for us. So we can finally begin to be happy.

This body is mine to care for. To love.

THIS BODY IS OURS

SACRED

DIVINE

I dont want to worship you anymore. I just want to love myself.

OURSELVES.

Love us

YOU COULD ONLY FEED THE ROT

I can never hate you. But I can never love you the right way either. So I think its about time that we started loving us....

And I'm sorry lover, but that starts with

CUTTING

OUT

YOU

. . .

WE.

ARE.

GOD.

NOW.

#jester #cyan #me #all my mes

Sleepless night up late cant sleep so using phone til im exhausted and im not exhausted enough to sleep yet, help.

pancakesthewormwithcandy

Starting to realize Maryland was really cool and chill with lgbt+ people and that Texas, infact, fucking sucks like i feared it would.

I really need to get a new job. I told one guy im transmasc and hes been so weird but i gave him the benifit of the doubt but the otherday he muttered under his breath that "im not even a real man" and it been upsetting me ever since. Like i know it shouldnt but hesone of the few people that talk to me and i was hoping he would be cool but hes just turned out to be a disapointment and weird and mean and that plus the hardly any pay and random ass hours i get at work all of it is piling up and I really just dont want to work there anymore.

#im just rly upset #everyone ive ever told before was always nice and curious #ive leggit never had anyone be like this with my transness before. i guess maryland really was a good place to be trans #everyones so weird about gay people here too #i dont like it here #i wanna go home

Can me dreams and nightmares please stop telling me things im trying to actively repress? Thanks.

Wow I love art from people who are systems it's so cool and relatable and feels sorta similar to how I organize my brain, which I will not be looking any deeper into because it means nothing.

#me

Its never gonna go away Its never gonna go away Its never gonna go away Its never gonna go away Its never gonna go away Its never gonna go away Its never gonna go away Its never gonna go away Its never gonna go away Its never gonna go away Its never gonna go away

Please for the love of God i just want to be free of it. Please.

#drunk #get me out #let me be free please #it always hurts it hurts so much #let me be wo angry that i never ever go back to this place ever again #let me go

Older man giving me a pat on the back and saying "thanks bud" when i help carry stuff out to his car THE BEST FEELING YES YAAAAAY.

andreativej

⩇⩇:⩇⩇

I think I am the space between mind and body. They don’t communicate much. I am mostly silence. They fought once over who holds the most wisdom, have rarely spoken since.

andrea tivej

I loath the shirts for work i have to wear because they have very loose collars, so no matter what I do my binder straps always show, and im not allowed to wear anything else. Its ass.

Im never going to be ableto sleep again

#i keep waking up every 30 minutes to an hour. for the past 3-4 days #im freaking out and get bad dreams #im going to die if i dont get good sleep soon fuck

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