Uncertainty
There are a lot of things I have to leave behind. I have always felt the need to move, to run away once I get settled. Almost as if I don’t believe that I deserve stability. I keep trying to look for little shards of past me in present me. I keep trying to look for that overachieving yet despondent girl in me. I keep looking for that mother and father who were happy together. I keep looking for my mama’s food, but I don’t have her hands. I don’t want to face the fact that I’m mediocre now, or at the very least, not trying as hard as I used to. I don’t want to believe that my parents can’t speak to each other. I also cannot make a chai to save my life, and my curries cannot compare to what my mother used to whip up at her worst. I’m not sure which hits me hardest.
Everything I thought was permanent suddenly appears evanescent. I have to split up with my boyfriend of two years soon. I haven’t seen my best friend in over 3 years. I can eat and not feel guilty. I have my appetite back after over ten years. I can get a bad grade and not want to die. I’m not a child any more. I still feel like one.
I’m not sure what the point of writing this is. I had a nightmare last night and woke up determined to write again since it's been a while. I have my scented candle lit, and I am drinking Earl Grey tea. An empty box that once sheltered doughnuts now lay empty beside me. My tea is too hot to drink, so I wait. I am very good at waiting. How much of my life I have waited; for love, for warm hot chocolate on a cold day, for people to come pick me up. I love the anticipation of something, truly those are the moments where I realise how human I am. Simply existing as part of a larger plan. Maybe there is no plan and this is all chaos. Either way, my tea has cooled down enough for me to drink it now. I’m going to drink it now. Small things like this make me think everything will be alright.
