#ext speaks

[milkochaa]

cw: sex

my friend telling me I can't have fun writing smut anymore bc my first and only sex experience was pretty bad LOL I treated it as a scientific experience, I was barely into the mood and was not even that aroused 😒

and she might be right bc when I was writing smut and I'm trying to base it off my experience and I'm like...no... 🥲 it does not feel the same !! why am I hyping this smut sex fic for!! (kicks a wall)

(I'll be a little more graphic later when I have net)

[milkochaa]

i swear if im getting sick all because of the rapid changes in weather, im going to fight everyone and the sun

[milkochaa]

NERFED...by a stomachache before church is crazy...and im the sunday school teacher assistant today... grrrr

[stellaestra]

i hv like 3 one shots in my arsenal but they arent ready to be uploaded bc haha, they're incomplete lmao

the one with the most words right now is still under 3k so i doubt that's enough (in my book at least)

it's 3.33am and i hv trouble sleeping btw so im using it to write but nothing really comes to mind other than trying to form a proper sentence instead of gibberish brain worms

[milkochaa]

i hate it when my episodes r bad enough that it's affecting my day-to-day functionality lmao

I dread going to work again and it's all due to my depressive episode causing me to spiral for the worse

And my coping mechanism is unhealthy, like I'm obsessively reading fics abt my faves n if I don't consume said media, I wld lose it all over again,,, the way they're my anchors is hilarious, pls 😟 make it end

the compartmentalisation n intellectuallising my emotions n feelings cld only work for so long before I tipped over again

I had a mini breakdown over my mom giving out my number to a family member without asking me for permission n she brushed it off as family and I still don't like it bc I know they're going to pester me and disturb abt niceties that makes me wanna claw my eyes out

I'm never good enough for them nor anyone for that matter lol

bc I failed my classes one too many times in college then I can't land a job fast enough or I can't stay in a job long enough then the job I am in isn't good enough or anyth of the sorts

the gifted kid to a problem child adult pipeline is so real lmao

sometimes I just wanna go back to when I was 12 and plan my future nicely 🤷🏻‍♀️ maybe smth would've change, maybe that time around

[stellaestra]

one of my moot found my shameful writing blogs 😟 no, close your eyes