Killua and Gon: love as a choice versus love as an emotion
Every hxh fan under the sun has held opinions about why Gon and Killua parted, and why Gon was able to regress so far in the CAA. I think a lot of them are interesting and hold some good points, but one thing I rarely see people talk about is the difference in Gon and Killua’s fundamental understanding of love.
To Killua, love is something he had to work for. He wasn’t raised with it, and he was never taught to view love as a positive thing, yet once he leaves home he chases it. He chooses to be good and to love over and over again because he literally has to. Loving is never simple to him, it is always a choice that he makes. Of course, he feels it as well, but in relation to his upbringing, he understands it is not something that he can JUST feel. In the face of overwhelming adversity and contrary emotions, he chooses— or at least tries to choose— love. He diverges from the plan in the CAA to ensure Ikalgo stays safe; he chooses love even when it opposes his own plans. Against all his strongest feelings, all of his fear and his despair, he rips the needle out, and chooses to continue loving Gon. Even in the end, Killua steps away from Gon, someone he still treasures dearly, and chooses to pursue loving himself and his sister.
To Gon, love is a feeling. Love is something that pushes and pulls him around, it’s something that is natural and innate. Of course he went after Killua, it was only natural. Of course he helps his friends. Of course he is going to bring Killua with him. However, because it is only a feeling, the moment a stronger feeling or drive takes its place, that love he had fades to the background. Love is a feeling that comes and goes rather than a choice to pursue. the moment he is faced with overwhelming grief, he shuts down everything else in his view to focus on his revenge. The moment something or someone more intriguing comes along, his prior love dwindles in the face of the new exciting emotions, and then return when he has completed what he wants. Gon did not understand love as a choice, only as an emotion. In the end, he begins to understand the complexity of love, but by this point it is too late for them. He hurt his best friend, and knows he has to let him go.
This is exactly why he is also said to be like the Troupe and somewhat animalistic, while Killua, despite the blood on his hands, is not. Ultimately, this trait is why Gon could regress in the way he did when he lost someone so dear to him. This is also part of the reason why Gon could accuse Killua of not caring as much. Gon knows Killua does love, that he cares deeply, but he does not love in the same explosive way that Gon does, and Gon, in his pain, lashes out at him for it.
Killua chooses Gon because he has always known love to be a choice alongside his feelings, while Gon chooses Killua when his strongest feelings align with it. In times of easy laughter, these differences are negligible, but when their complicated situations arise, it’s still a fundamentally different perspective that splinters the balance of their relationship.
Love is an incredibly dangerous thing, and these two are an excellent study of how different interpretations of it can lead to incredibly different outcomes
