Long ass vent about my first love, feel free to skip.
(Images for Context to this vent are below everything)
You know, even after these years.
I still catch myself remembering how sweet your hand felt in mine.
How you were my ‘kitten’. How you were so embarrassed to even hold hands.
How good it felt to have us in each other’s arms? How good it felt to be ..in love?
I wasn’t YOUR first love. But you were mine. I don’t adore you now.
God I can barley stand being around you now!
But I’ll always get a little soft when you call me hun. I’ll always be here to listen to you. I’ll always ..semi love you. Even if it’s bitter.
You’re with that little shit Elliot now, right? It’ll be your 11th month soon.
At least you found happiness there.
We almost made it to that. Remember?
Remember how much I loved you?
And how when you cheated all those times, I always excused it? Said it was okay? Then I’d say ‘I love you’ and then you’d go ‘love you too’
Don’t you remember all the fucking marks on my arm you witnessed after you saw me for the first time after breaking up for good?
Don’t you remember all the fucking school days I spent away from you because you wanted to hangout with daphne instead of me?
Remember how I’d get panic attacks from the mention of your first love? Stasia?
And how I spent hours and nights conforting you after she abused you? Sexually assaulted you? Hit you? Made you bleed? Called you names?
Remember when I comforted you all the times she broke your heart when WE, AS IN US were dating????
Remember when everyone In school thought we broke up because you didn’t like being around me so we never hung out?
Remember when we were on and off? Oh! And when I proposed? And you promised it would happen in the future?
Remember our future kids? Luna? Dean? Amanda? Kirk? And how we would be 2 wonderful parents? I’d be a therapist and you’d be a neurosurgeon?
Remember when you called me pathetic? A brat? Spoiled? Stupid? A bitch? Told me I didn’t care about the fact my grandma was dying? All on my FUCKING birthday? And how I cried till 3 am?
Remember when you weren’t so fucking stupid and dull?
I’m over you now, genuinely. I couldn’t imagine dating your ass again.
But why couldn’t we be happy. I gave you everything I could offer. Jewelry? Love? Protection? Months worth of listening to you
I know the phrase ‘you are enough’ ‘I am enough’
(Thank you sir for that!)
But why wasn’t I enough for you back then.
I am enough now. I’m great! I take care of myself. I’m pretty now. So.. pretty, I’m smarter? I carry the life experiences of someone in their 30’s almost!
I don’t know. I vented a lot. I’m okay now.
