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Labeling Brynn

Plenty of people think I’m quite an attractive human. Because of this, it is frequently inquired of me if I have a boyfriend, sometimes to my annoyance. Apparently people assume that because I look the way I do I must be off the market. Anyway, to answer this often asked question, I am a single woman. Am I open to having a romantic lover? Sure, I wouldn’t mind having one. It’s just not something I’m purposely seeking out at this time of my life. When I started college back in August 2017, my focus was on anything but dating. Succeeding in my studies and building solid, unbreakable friendships have become the main focuses of my life. I’m sure that will be the case come future college years.

Sure, I’ve dated guys in the past. I’ve had boyfriends, kissed them plenty, and enjoyed it, or at least so I thought. I’m sure some of my middle and high school peers thought of me as a boy toy. Based on my dating history, it would appear as if I am the kind of girl who would strongly desire male companionship. Back then, I probably did. I basically was a shining example of a boy obsessed straight teenage girl. But with each passing day, being “just friends” with guys seems more right to me. I seem to have no sexual desires towards guys anymore. At least, I think so? It’s like I grew up and simply lost that interest, I suppose.

I am fairly confident I am not completely straight. When a guy compliments me, I tend to throw out a generic thank you with no meaning behind it, even if I disguise it in a blushing manner. You know, play the nice card. I am more liable to actually blush whenever I see a beautiful woman, especially a cute lesbian couple. I’ve kissed girls and liked it way more than they say a girl should. Hell, I even soberly let a girl pop my cherry, and I am unashamedly satisfied with that fact. I’ve never been romantically involved with another female before, but if a new relationship were to unfold in my life, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was with a girl, because that’s where my mind is currently at.

However, for whatever reason, whether or not I am at a hundred percent on the same-sex attraction scale bothers me. I am a bit hesitant to call myself gay. I assume that is because I don’t want to decieve myself into thinking that even the slightest hint of same-sex attraction makes me a homo. I know that’s not the case for everyone. Also, I feel that some guys would avoid me if I professed homosexuality, because they are curtious enough to let me be and not get in the way of me liking other girls. Calling myself bi leaves the door open to more friends, regardless of their gender. Though, when considering if I am bi, it’s always been something I shrugged off and quickly forgot about.

I know I just can’t slap any label on my life and expect it to go smoothly. I need to decipher what I truly am, what the innermost depths of my being truly enjoys. Apparently I’m stuck in an abyss between questions and answers. Maybe I just don’t care about liking guys at this point in my life even though I have some legit male attractions. Perhaps I truly don’t like guys at all sexually and am too naive to recognize it to the full. I dunno, and frankly I don’t give an F which it is. Regardless, whatever my truth is, I fully understand why many people with same-sex attractions refuse to label themselves. I’m not enthused with labels either.

I believe a person should be able to find happiness on their own, in their own terms. I appreciate it if you want the best for me and want to see me happy, but happiness shouldn’t be forced on anyone. One person’s version of happiness is not the same for everyone else. You may find joy in something I find extreme boring or even disgusting, and vice-versa. My happiness is my happiness. As actress Emma Watson once said, “I don’t want other people to decide who I am. I want to decide that for myself.”

For example, I like holding hands and cuddling with my female friends, as plenty of girls do. And I’ve been known to be far too chummy with my male friends. I’ve even bragged about my love of the ladies while cuddling on a guys lap. Thus, I’ve been accused of liking or even being together with some of my female friends almost as much as I have with some of my male friends. I’ve been told I’m not gay enough, and some have pushed me hard to stick with guys only.

Why make a big deal out of who I like? I am who I am. It shouldn’t matter if I’m completely straight, completely gay, or if I fall anywhere in between. There’s more to life than what gender you’re attracted to.

Everyone keeps trying to put you in one box.

And you fit, or you don't, or you pretend to.

But, anyway you look at it, it's a fucking box.

It's a fucking box like the box they'll bury you in.

- 13 Reasons Why {S4E2 - 43:02}

#13rw quotes #thought spiral #food for thought #labels #quotes #13rw #13 reasons why #clay jensen #thoughts #open your mind #systemic problems #f labels #13rw s4 #perception

To hell with humans!

I had an epiphany that the existence of humans is petty and pathetic. They live for the same endless loop of boring routines and interact with other people who have their own kinds of boring routines. The humans keep themselves occupied by distracting their selves with insignificant activities like chores, going to work or school, and so many other amphigoric tasks. I’m against this systemic ritual of existing of the humans.

Call me a nihilist if you want to, but how would you explain the fact that we were forced into an absurd non-consensual system based on prejudiced decisions and judgements made by some nonsensical individuals?

Oh, and, don’t even get me started on how they divide themselves. They’ve got so many religions, nationalities, languages and loads of other aspects. All of that is okay, but the inferiority and superiority complexes caused by those divisions lead to ghastly and dreadful circumstances. This system is painfully unfair to many other humans.

And, most of them believe that there are only 2 genders. Um…What the hell? Gender identity is an infinite spectrum and there are people that lie outside of it, too.

How much more narrow-minded can the people that set such awful standards, be? Because of all of this, and so many other terrible reasons, I no longer identify as a human. I now identify as an alien.

The obnoxious societal standards and loathsome labels created by the humans are far too insignificant for me to care about.

Definition of an Alien (the noun form): A hypothetical or fictional being from another world. (seems about right)