RP Rules Review and Being Considerate - A (Long) General Information post
I think the time has come to post something like this as a reminder about how to deal with people. Â Itâs no great secret Iâm a little older than most people involved in roleplay, and with that advanced age comes a slightly different perspective on how to interact with others. Â Before I really begin, I would like to stress that I have a lot of work experience interacting with people, face-to-face and over the phone/internet, who are happy, who are angry, and who are experiencing profound tragedy. Â Iâm not a social worker, Iâm not particularly warm and fuzzy by nature, and Iâm only minimally trained in a formal way. Â My interactions are governed by experience, common sense, and a desire to ultimately be effective over being nice. Â
However, this doesnât mean I take free reign to be rude. Â That also applies here. Â Iâm not trying to be rude. I also loathe passive-aggression to a pathological degree. Â Iâm just trying to share my own experiences in a context and provide a guideline for interacting with other people in a specific place -- in this case, a roleplay. Iâm trying to outline what I look for in managing this group and how it informs the things I say to roleplay members who come to me for whatever reason they choose. Â As you all know, my metaphorical door is always open. Â Iâve happily worked through a number of interaction issues and I have no problem working through more when the need arises. Â I also have no problem cheering people on, in their lives or in character. Thatâs the kind of stuff Iâm here to do and I know that. Â Iâm not posting this to say Iâm better than anyone else. Â Itâs just a way for me to share what Iâm looking at when Iâm dealing with complaints about how interactions happen, and a place to outline how I do it so you can hold me accountable for it. Â Â
With that introduction and explanation out of the way, Iâd like to start with explaining my perspective on an important difference. Â This article, by a school counselor with extensive training on the topic and a lot of written force behind that, is my basis for it. Â
When I guarantee a âsafeâ environment here, what does that mean to you? Â
To me, it means I wonât tolerate my members being spammed with inappropriate, frequent, or aggressive messages, whether in character or out of character. Â This constitutes harassment. Â
To be harassment, it has to be systematic. The only thing I can recommend to stop anonymous harassing messages is limiting the avenues theyâre received. Â For off-anon messages, if I look into it and agree that itâs bullying or harassing, the guilty person gets one conversation in which they are most likely removed from the group. Â
What it doesnât mean is writers will be comfortable all the time. Especially in a roleplay like this with darker themes, there may be content that is objectionable to some.  Thatâs why we trigger tag.  Blacklisting is always an option, too.  Characters may not be liked or loved.  Someone elseâs perception of your character may not be a positive one.Â
It doesnât mean disagreements wonât happen.  It doesnât mean you wonât hear the word âno.â  It also doesnât mean assumed priority or rank.  Every character and every plot has a sliding degree of importance based on scale.  In the end, we do not have a main character.  The biggest plot points are outlined on the main roleplay page.  With over a hundred characters, there will be different plots overlapping one another all the time.  With around 20 roleplayers at any given time, there will be different opinions, backgrounds, and needs to balance out. Â
A safe environment doesnât mean we all agree all the time or feelings wonât be hurt. Â It just means a respectful place to work through and resolve differences. Â It means no one is ignored if they make the effort to be heard.
I have a zero tolerance policy for hate-filled speech regardless of the avenue someone is being attacked (shape, size, religion, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, etc - my ideas generally follow legal language because of my professional background.) Â If someone receives this kind of a message from another member of the group, it is cause for immediate removal and I wonât provide the courtesy of a conversation.Â
Gross instances of godmodding or metagaming will not be tolerated. Â Smaller and possibly unintentional ones will be discussed. Â Â Â Â
If the behavior doesnât meet the legal and/or widely-accepted definition of these things, the guilty person gets a conversation that I consider a warning they need to consider how theyâre treating others. Â If the behavior doesnât stop, theyâre removed and blocked. Â I donât have a set timeframe for compliance here because it depends on the circumstance and its severity.
In the article I provided above, though, it splits out the difference between being rude, being mean, and being a bully.  Thatâs what Iâd like to focus on next.  I notice the word âbulliedâ or âbullyingâ being tossed around a lot, both in the roleplay context and outside it, so I want to clearly outline what it is here, at least in my mind and in my operation as an admin. I agree with the article in that providing misnomers or using the buzzwords involved, at times, does a disservice to some grave issues.  This is the guideline Iâm using now, and will continue to use, so please read through.Â
Being rude is inadvertently saying or doing something that hurts someone else.  Not everyone is comfortable, if they feel someone is rude, saying âHey, stop it.â  But the key difference between being rude and being a bully is the intent behind it.Â
Example in a roleplay context:Â âI donât think thatâs how your character would react to that.â Â Whether this type of statement, which Iâve seen more than once with different phrasing, is said in an effort to mold the speakerâs in-character interaction a certain way or for another reason, itâs rude. Â Itâs hurtful because of its implication that you know someoneâs character better than they do. Â A better, more collaborative approach might be âTell me what your character was thinking when they said/did that.â Â Â This automatically puts someone into a more creative place, rather than a defensive one.Â
As a note, rudeness is something I will generally stay out of as an admin because weâre all adults here. Â Iâll rely on you guys to work that out amongst yourselves for the most part.Â
Disagreeing with someone is different from being rude. Â How itâs managed is the difference. Â The Golden Rule totally applies - stop and think about your own feelings or response if you were approached with a certain comment before you make it.
Being mean is a contained instance designed to hurt someone else. Â Most of the time, this is inspired by anger and often it can be misdirected anger. Â A lot of it is passive-aggressive. Â All of it could be controlled or avoided but the person has a clear and willful disregard for the otherâs feelings.
Example in a roleplay context:  âCharacter A hasnât been around because they donât care about me.â This is a mean, planned out, and a passive-aggressive bid for attention if spoken in-character.  It casts your own character in the role of victim to someone elseâs actions and casts the other character in a negative light in a way that is easily preventable.  Itâs designed to get another roleplayerâs attention in a second-hand way (no direct OOC contact).  Itâs also godmodding.  A better example is to place constraints and limit it to your own characterâs perception.  âI donât feel like Character A cares about me.â  This is open-ended enough to allow the other roleplayer to respond without trapping them and dictating where theyâve been or what theyâve done (or where they havenât been/what they havenât done.) Â
As a note with this specific example, we donât follow a day-to-day format here.  There are some roleplays that do, so an extended absence on someoneâs part is a little more noticeable.  Because of the loose timeframe here, only really defined as âpresent-dayâ, itâs very easy to headcanon out day-to-day interaction. Â
One example I feel comfortable giving is, as Marianâs roleplayer, Iâve discussed with Robinâs roleplayer that, in spite of our insane schedules, the relationship between Robin and Marian is stabilizing over time. Â They see each other at home and nothing is remiss. Â Weâll write out some of the bigger plot points we had discussed for them and we started a para. Â This two-minute conversation literally eliminated the awkwardness and need for in-character meanness and passive aggression. Â The important thing is having the two-minute conversation before we post and, trust me, with the two of us, the two minutes was spread out over about 6 hours.Â
This is mostly about perception, because being rude and being mean both cause hurt in the receiving party. Â The difference is really the degree of intent. Â Iâm more than willing as an admin to look at comments, posts, or messages and determine a degree of intent or look for patterns. Â However, please realize this is a subjective science and itâs based on my own knowledge and friendships with each of you in the roleplay. Â I try to talk to everyone and get to know them well, so I do consider each writer here a friend. Â
If your feelings are hurt by what someone has said or done, please donât think Iâm defending them if I encourage you to consider that it may have been done from a different perspective. Â
As much as I say Iâm not a nice person, I donât think that makes me a mean one either. Â I donât think anyone here is legitimately a mean person -- and the intention to degrade someone else is what makes the difference between being mean and being rude. Â I know it can be hard to sort out when youâre the one hurting, but when you approach me I will try to decide if I think thereâs a difference. Â And I wonât be shy about expressing my opinion. Â Even if I think the person is just being rude, not mean, itâs entirely possible I will go kindly ask them to knock it off.
Bullying involves three elements no matter where you look: Â intent to harm, a perceived/emphasized power imbalance, and aggressive acts/threats against the weaker party. Â Â Itâs a big step up from being mean and, obviously, not all aspects apply to roleplay. Â Physical bullying isnât something we can do. I think the most pervasive kind in a roleplay is relational aggression. Itâs kind of tied in with cyberbullying, considering the format, but in a long-running group roleplay, the friendships and connections you build (IC and OOC) are the key to having fun, and relational aggression undermines those.
Example in roleplay context: Â âIâm just going to ignore your posts and hope you go away.â Â This is an example of shunning or socially isolating someone, which is probably the most hurtful form of bullying in a roleplay because itâs insidious. Â Obviously people just do this rather than saying it most of the time. Â It goes without saying that not all characters will reply to all starters. Â However, it becomes apparent over time when all of one roleplayerâs characters are ignored by anotherâs. Â Things like a refusal to plot, ignoring messages without a clearly stated reason why beforehand, and spamming the dash to push someone elseâs thread out of sight all fall into this category.
One example I donât think people traditionally think of as bullying is bubble roleplaying. Â We all have our ships and our favorites -- but please expect me to contact you if I notice youâre only writing with certain roleplayers or characters all the time. Â Itâs very much relational aggression to ignore plots with connected characters without a respectful explanation. Â If you have connected characters in the roleplay, I expect you to have some form of interaction with them. Â If you donât like the connected character, you need to reconsider the role youâre taking on. Â It seriously screws other people over and itâs a noticeable, glaring lack of development. Â Plus itâs hurtful in an OOC way and makes others/newcomers feel unwelcome. Â
I know this is long and detailed.  I had hoped it wouldnât need to be said, but at this point I think itâs good to have a general reminder so we can avoid the casual indifference that happens once weâve been established this long.  This isnât me being passive aggressive and Iâm not posting this because of any one thing in particular.  As I said earlier, itâs here so itâs all spelled out and, if you come to me with an issue, you can understand a little better what Iâm looking at or how I think about these kinds of things.  It lays out a guideline for what I will do and makes me responsible to do it evenly and fairly.  Please click the heart if youâve gotten this far so I know you have. It will hopefully also avoid me giving you a shut-down response if I think youâre using buzzwords in an attempt to get my attention (it wonât work.  Iâve seen that tree before.)  My ultimate goal is to keep this a safe place, to keep growing as a family, for as long as we can. I have all the trust in the world that you guys are on the same page as I am with that goal.  I love writing with each of you, even if time doesnât allow me to do it as often as I would like. Â
Thank you for being members here, for giving me your time and attention and turning this into something with a life of its own. Â
Thank you for being great. Â Â