I joined the AH/RT fandom when I was 14. Today I turned 22. This is a man that I looked up to for almost my entire pubescence. He was my idol and I loved him. I really did. I would have given anything for him, or anyone from AH to look my way when I was a kid. I credited them (him more than the rest) for being one of the reasons I got help after my last (hopefully ever) suicide attempt.
This just hurts so much. I don’t know how else to explain it. I cried today. For the first time since this broke I cried, because I watched Michael and Jack struggle to keep it together on that livestream. Seeing tears in Michael’s eyes and the pain on his face was absolutely heartbreaking.
I’ve spent the days since all of this came out purging my blog of anything and everything with him in, including my own posts, some of which had tens of thousands of notes on them, so they’ll still be out there, but they won’t be linked to me anymore. Sorry if you see them, please know I really did try to get rid of them all.
