#failtales

[newfietoutons]

Shakespearean actor FAHC Freewood is updated.

Next chapter of Romeo vs Juliet is up on AO3.  I’m too lazy to properly upload it onto Tumblr right now but shoutout to @eziocauthon89 and @oswiniarty for putting up with me as we watched Romeo + Juliet and I threw cracky ideas their way.

[newfietoutons]

The Second and Third days of Valentines (2/?)

I’ve decided to post the chapters of this story on tumblr in little groups so I don’t spam the feeds. Updates daily on AO3 so there's more up there if you want it. If you’d rather stick to Tumblr day 1 is here.

February 2nd:

One added benefit of spending a good few hours laying in bed, worrying about something embarrassing, was that the next day you were completely numbed to it.

Or at least, that was what Jeremy told himself as he headed out to the kitchen, intent on pretending he wasn’t constantly reliving the stress and horror of opening up a handmade valentine full of soppy poetry in front of his crew.

“Good Morning Romeo.” Geoff purred, sitting at the table with a bowl of coffee and a bemused grin.

He’d obviously been talking to Ryan before Jeremy arrived, since the other man was sitting next to him. It was strange to see the Vagabond in pyjamas, face and feet bare and hands wrapped around a warm mug. He hadn’t shaved or brushed his hair, looking soft and disheveled as he watched Jeremy stumble over to the coffee pot.

There was no coffee left, probably due to the fact Geoff had chosen to drink about a litre of it, but there was no way Jeremy would survive without. With a mighty sigh, he went to brew a new pot. He already knew without looking that the grinds would be in the top shelf and a quick glance into the cupboards confirmed his theory to be true.

Cursing, he put a hand on the counter and reached up, straining to almost touch the bag.

“Here.” Ryan’s voice murmured hoarsely just behind his ear before a lean body pressed against his back. Jeremy’s already sluggish brain short circuited, especially as the taller man’s breath ghosted down his neck.

“Thanks.” He tried to pretend he wasn't acutely aware of how close the other was, or how he wanted to step back and follow Ryan's warmth when the other man put the coffee bag on the table and stepped back.

“So Romeo, wherefore art thou Juliet?” Geoff wiggled his eyebrows. “Are you going to go find her?”

“Wherefore doesn't mean where.” Ryan interjected. “It means why.”

“Thanks man, I really appreciate you telling me that.” Geoff gave Ryan a dirty look.

Jeremy focused on measuring out his coffee, spooning out a little extra in the end because he deserved it.

“Come on Dooley, you don't wanna talk about that love letter?”

“I don't have any idea who it's from. So not really.” Jeremy shrugged, moving on from the percolator to the fridge.

“You have no idea?” Ryan sounded a little surprised. “They didn't sign it?”

“No, they bitched out and just used their initials.” The oldest man took another long drawl of his drink, mustache drooping from the steam. “We think it's Joel Heyman.”

Ryan had been sitting as Geoff spoke, and the news seemed to startle him. He nearly missed his chair, smacking his elbow against the back of it. “You think Joel sent the poems? I don't even know if he knows what poems are.”

“Well.” Geoff said, “It was pretty over the top. And we all know that Joel does everything over the top.”

“I don't know that. I don't even really know Joel.” Jeremy shrugged, gathering up his breakfast and going to sit at the table.

“Joel isn't poetry.” Ryan shook his head, glancing to Geoff as if looking for backup.

Geoff’s eyebrows rose, “Is that so? Well you’d be the one to know. You're the drama nerd.”

“Really?” Jeremy tried to change the subject. “Did you do theatre or something?”

“Yeah.” Ryan seemed embarrassed all of a sudden, “that's not important though. Joel wouldn't send poetry. Joel would send something tacky.”

“So a handmade Valentine's Day card full of poetry isn't tacky?” That was hard for Jeremy to believe. Joel seemed like the type to make huge gestures, or none at all. He could believe him sending poetry, it was just harder to believe he would send it to Jeremy.

“No.” Ryan protested, “It's classy. It's a classic poem. He would send something childish like a stuffed animal.”

As if summoned, the buzzer rang, letting them know there was someone at the door.

“Was someone supposed to drop by today?” Geoff asked, a little surprised.

~*~

“It does look like something Joel would send.” Ryan conceded as the three men and a freshly woken Jack stood around, looking blankly at the massive stuffed cat currently taking up the doorway. It was big and it was tacky, though it really did look like his cat Scooter. A big bow was wrapped around its neck, and a heart shaped card hung from it.

This time the card was made of cheap gold construction paper and besides the shape, had not been decorated.

“How did they go from a soppy love poem to just writing “BE MINE V”.” Jack asked, looking utterly perplexed at the shoddy craftsmanship. “Did they have hand cramps or something.”

“Did Joel send this, Jack?” Ryan seemed testy, but Jeremy supposed it was just because he’d been proven wrong that Joel was the secret admirer. “I though he and you were something.”

“I'm not one to stand in the way of true love.” She shrugged, “but no, he usually sends me gold jewelry.”

“He sends you gold jewelry?” Jeremy frowned. “But you don't wear jewellery.”

“And you don't keep massive stuffed animals.” Ryan poked at its big glass eyes with a frown.

“It looks like the cat I have back home.” Jeremy mused.

Ryan lifted it up, holding the bulk of it away from his body like it would somehow ruin his pyjamas. “Want me to burn it?”

“What? No.” Jeremy protested immediately. He didn't want the gift, but it at least had been a little thoughtful. Or at the very least, they'd been lucky enough to just pick a toy that was perfect.

“What's going on?” Gavin emerged from his room, looking a little too awake. He was already dressed up like he was headed out, wearing nice jeans and a black shirt that clung to him like a second skin.

“Someone sent Jeremy a giant cat.” Michael piped up from the kitchen. None of them had noticed him get up. The redhead looked either angry or amused or somewhere in between. “They think it was Joel.”

“What? Still?” Gavin looked at them all like they had just told him Santa wasn't real. “It can't be Joel.”

“Why not?” Ryan seemed to be directing his anger at Gavin, giving the blonde a scathing look.

Gavin glared back at him, arms crossing, but his eyes went wide when Ryan winked at him.

Honestly, if Gavin wasn't with Meg, Jeremy would have guessed the two liked each other. They certainly had chemistry.

“Well, did they initial the card?” Gavin tried as he shifted back on his face, slightly blushing.

“It just says ‘be mine v’.” Jeremy repeated. “Short and rude.”

“Maybe its Be Mine, V.” The brit obviously wanted to make sense of the note, frowning a little as he looked at it. And Jeremy appreciated the effort.

“Whose name starts with a V though?” Jeremy shook his head. “Thanks for trying, but I think its a lost cause.”

“Jeremy….” Gavin started, before letting out a deep sigh. “Nevermind then.”

And so Jeremy headed back to the kitchen, hoping to forget everything that had happened.

Little did he know, this was just the start.

February 3rd

The greatest feeling of relief hit Jeremy when he finished supper on the third day without having a delivery man show up at the door.

There would probably be more things arriving before Valentine's Day, he was kind of resigned to that fact, but in the meantime he wanted things to go back to normal. He didn’t want any more teasing from Geoff, anymore awkwardness around Ryan, or any more strange looks from Gavin.

The brit seemed concerned or curious, constantly looking at Jeremy, or at the massive tabby perched on the couch. Someone had put Jeremy’s hat on it, along with a red bandana and Ray had taken quite a few pictures of it to post online, calling it Billy.

Before supper, he’d finally figured out a good reason for Gavin’s weird looks.

Gavin was the kind of person to do a big embarrassing gesture rather than something small and heartfelt. The blonde would never be able to come out and just say that he liked someone, and he would never be able to root through poetry to find the perfect love confession like J.H apparently had.

Gavin would be the type to send his crush a massive stuffed animal. It would be just like him to write a short brief note on the tag and even mess that up.

And Gavin was nicknamed Vav, wasn’t he?

Jeremy had steeled himself, then headed over to Gavin’s side as soon as the blonde had been alone. It would be perfect if Gavin admitted to sending the cat, since Jeremy would freely admit to liking Mr. Free a little too much. However, his own crush made him hesitate a little. It was possible he was just seeing what he wanted to see.

What about Meg?

He took in a deep breath and went over anyways. “Hey Gav?”

“Yes, Lil J?”

“Did you send the cat?” Jeremy just went for the throat, hoping it would help get a clear answer. A direct question might get a direct answer out of him.

Instead Gavin just stared at him like he had grown another head and asked what a gun was. The brit hesitated, then repeated in a small voice. “Did I send the cat?”

“And that was a clear no if Jeremy was ever going to get one. Because Gavin looked completely shocked and gutted, like he wasn’t sure how to respond to that sentence.

“I… I didn’t send the cat?” Gavin tried tentatively, and Jeremy wanted to believe that it was the worse lie he’d ever heard, but then again there was Meg. Gavin liked Meg. And now he was standing there, almost leaning a little away from Jeremy as if afraid Jeremy would jump at him and kiss him or something.

And crap. Gavin definitely knew about Jeremy’s crush on him then.

“Look, nevermind. I just thought the V could have stood for Vav.” Jeremy backed off, raising his hands up as if he was escaping a terrifying creature instead of a startled brit. “It was stupid. There's just not that many people around here that would use a V to sign something.”

“Why would I sign with a V?” Gavin shook his head a little too quick. “I’d use a G, right?”

It was hard to argue against that, especially with Gavin looking so startled and confused. Jeremy had fucked up.

What was worse was turning to leave just to see Ryan standing right behind him. The skull faced killer just seemed amused by the exchange, obviously enjoying their discomfort.

Jeremy rolled his eyes and walked past him, quickly getting over his unease around Ryan when it was compared to the embarrassment he felt.

And so as supper ended without another gift showing up for him, he felt a sense of relief. Maybe he could forget the whole thing and survive the night with some of his pride intact. Gavin was avoiding him now, and in hindsight maybe Gavin had just been trying to figure out if he could send Meg something big like that.

Once supper was done, Jeremy grabbed his gun bag and followed Jack and Ray out to the car. They had a job to do.

FNKI was some upstart crew causing troubles for Funhaus, operating in the only city between the two crews. The city, Vale, also played host to two other crews. The Olympians and the Faunus. The Faunus were willing to play nice with the Fakes and Funhaus, but they would need control of the city to make everything go smoothly.

So the Fakes were there to start a war.

Jeremy let the other two guide him, knowing out of the three of them he had the least experience at assassinations. It would be easy work, especially since FNKI were not expecting an attack anytime soon. This city was not nearly as dangerous as AC, but it was still a bit strange to Jeremy that only one crew in town had snipers.

It was however terribly convenient that they wouldn’t need to plant much evidence.

Ray picked a spot just across from the roller derby, face a little serious as he walked the perimeter of the roof twice before picking a spot to set up. Jack took the other end of the wall so Jeremy went to the center. He was the least noticeable of the three, since his gun and clothes were shades of grey instead of pink or Hawaiian print (and how many Hawaiian shirts did Jack own?), but his positioning in the center may have had more to do with his skill. He was accurate, yes, skilled, yes, but if he was going to mow down a crowd the sniper rifle would be his last choice. The other two could handle getting nearly everyone who tried to run away, but he'd just be there to help with the sheer numbers

Jack shot him a little grin, “Get the torch out, they'll be out soon. The place closes now.”

Jeremy reached for the bag he'd brought the wooden torch in, There was a loose piece of clothing in the bag too and he figured he must have accidentally packed a sock or something into the bag. Stuffing the silk into his pocket to investigate later, he turned to Ray. “Lighter?”

“Here.” Ray tossed it down the roof, grinning when Jeremy barely caught it. “Careful man. Don’t break it. I need it.”

It was just a cheap gas station lighter, already half empty. But Jeremy was still careful not to drop it as he lit the torch.

The doors to the roller derby opened, the timing being just perfect. They obviously saw the torch immediately, a bright beacon shining far above them like it was meant to be a symbol of hope and athletic spirit or something.

All Jeremy saw in the bright firelight was the splash of red at his hip. It hadn’t been a sock in his bag.

It was a red panty with black trim, looking like it would be far too small on Jeremy.

Be Mine The crotch ordered him in big white letters.

Wrapping the terrible gift around the top of the torch, he tossed the whole thing over the edge of the roof. He was glad now that this was an easy job, since his mind was now on going home and murdering Geoff.

There was no doubt in his mind that it had been his boss who had planted the panties there. Even worse, he had left his overnight bag unsupervised as well. It was nearly midnight by the time they reached the hotel again. They were sharing a bedroom, all deciding they would rather safety in numbers rather than relative privacy.

Jeremy regretted that decision when he opened his bag.

The only things inside were two black pasties, silk stockings, a black thong and a robe straight out of a 70’s porno.

And Ray saw the whole thing.

“So. Should we start calling you Ron? Ron Jeremy?”

He was going to murder Geoff.