This post is for fallenandfragile, because there is no way I could fit all of this in a comment or a message.
Karen, I've seen your posts recently about your breakup with your boyfriend and the circumstances surrounding it. I'm so sorry that this happened to you, from the bottom of my heart. I cannot even begin to explain how much I have been there, and how much I know it hurts.
I want you to know that it took me years to look back and see that it wasn't my fault. That all I did was fall in love, and it was he who lied, who deceived, and who used me. I would have done anything for him, which is the very definition of 'falling hard,' and I had neither the wisdom nor the desire to see that he was not reciprocating my feelings, even though I thought he was.
I think in some part it does have to do with us having Asperger's Syndrome. Not all of it, of course, but I do think that the AS gives us an inherent vulnerability, and there are guys who are going to pick up on that and use it to their advantage. Sometimes it is for ego--with what you said your ex was going through, it's possible that he wanted to feel that he still "had it," and used you to assuage his bruised ego from what happened with that other girl. Or sometimes--a lot of times--they do it just because they can. No other reason.
That's the hardest part, is feeling that you left yourself open, exposed, and gave your heart to someone freely, only to have them carelessly stomp on it with steel-toed boots. To have that fog of bliss and love that was once floating around you turn into a thick, noxious smoke that stings your eyes and chokes you. It's devastating, and it left me questioning my own judgement for years, and to this day I still am learning to trust myself again.
Of all the things I have learned from what happened, however, one in particular sticks out. I used to think that having a big heart and feeling everything so damn strongly was a bad thing. But now I know it is an asset. I know that I can open my heart to someone, have it go bad, and still come out on the other side. It hurt like hell, but I got through it. And I believe that you will get through this, too.
The only way that it stops--the only way not to get through it--is to close yourself off altogether. To let it take over your life. But this relationship was not all of who you are. I've seen your posts here on Tumblr for almost three years now, and you are intelligent, funny, and thoughtful. You have so many good qualities that will attract people to you, and one day you will find a guy who appreciates all that, and who deserves you. Never, ever settle for anything less.
I hope this message will help you in some way, as these are all things I would've wanted someone to say to me when I was heartbroken and feeling like it would never end. I'm always here if you ever want to talk or need someone to track down your ex and kick him in the kneecaps. Be strong, girl...you are worth so much more than that loser took you for. <3
