Dead demeanor
It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Well, I can’t sleep, and why transpose this from a notebook when I can type it away now. I’m exhausted and want to sleep all day, and when I finally can go to sleep I have no desire to do so.
Anyway, I won the elections for the positions I’ve been striving for, stressing out and getting anxious about. And much like my entry into the professional program, while a quiet excitement burns inside, I don’t show it. I barely feel it. It’s as if I knew all along that I’d get those positions, even though other qualified people were running and could have gotten the positions. It all seems so mundane, and odd to fixate on victory. Instead I start thinking about all I will need to accomplish with the new role. Which makes me pause and be pleasantly surprised that people congratulate me. I was passionate about trying to do something and believed I’d honor the duties and responsibilities of the position, but when I get it I’m barely animated. Maybe I just can’t process very happy moments well; it’s a shame because often I’m not the only one trying to get a position, or there are others who’ve also been elected to positions. This lack of awareness keeps me from congratulating others, which I regret later when everything comes back to me.
If it was just subpar excitement, I’d try and amend it, but I know there have been other positions was striving for and didn’t get. When the results were announced for those I was crushed, and walked around with a lump in my chest trying to wear a brave face. So I don’t know why I have such a sporadic demeanor. I get animated over small things, sad over minutia, and barely seem amused when things work out just as I hoped. It’s quite odd. This ocean wave soundtrack isn’t helping, but I’m going to try and sleep anyway.
