#faroutzest

[faroutzest]

IM FINALLY STARTING T!!!!!

PUBERTY 2.0!!!

[faroutzest]

my fucking face caught on fire lol. my ex did it in accident. we were dating at the time tho

[faroutzest]

the cut 9.20.2017

[faroutzest]

mars retrograde 2018

bitchhhhhhh

listen. to. me.

this entire planet gtg. like dead ass. i’m fucken tyedd. i thought i had my shit together and that’s where i went wrong. thought i did. Insecurities i didn’t even know i had are appearing. it’s like i’m negating myself lately. Ill get into a negative thinking loop and then higher me is like bitch stop. and i’ll be good then i’m not good. this ego death/toxicity cleanse which i’m claiming the retrograde has put upon me to complete is hell but i know it’s worth it. If anyone else out there is going through it. i’m right here with you. in my now three year journey of actualization and spirituality. this is by far one of the roughest challenges and i thought id have been through it all. but the growth i can see coming from all this , incredible.

side note: my girlfriend is the best ever & im so glad she’s standing by me through this.

[faroutzest]

impromptu 10/12/17

i want to cry i’m not sure how to anymore. i’m out of tears. i’m i’m consistent pain. i feel lost. gone with the wind you could say. just floating amid humanity. i try to swim but i can’t breathe. i try to run but i can’t feel. i tried to blink but all i saw was darkness. i want to scream but all i hear is the breeze. i need to be free from the bondage i only see. the pain in the air stings my being. i desire happiness. i wanna sing uncontrollably. prance with a purpose and that purpose is only happiness. i need to breathe and let the ocean wash away the darkness. let the sun warm my cells so i can feel again. i’m exhausted with being numb. things might change but i’ve got a gun. placed on my temple ready to rum. i wanna have some fun but i’ve gotten numb. i’m cold and ready to run. flee from all the pain. ignore the stakes. i’m ready to feel the dirt on my heel. my veins are created from the finest steel. i drink atop the roof shouting and sounding aloof to the madness that surrounds me. i’m tired of feeling trapped. i want to tap on the ground just to hear the sound and vibration of something greater. i will never waiver from my idea of being greater. i need a savior but i looked in the mirror and asked for a favor and it told me i’ll greet you later once the bullet enters my skull and i hit the pavement

[faroutzest]

06/07/2017

I don't know where to begin. i feel myself stuck in this hole again and i can see the way out of it but for some reason i cannot move. it's as if i'm being suffocated. i can't help my boyfriend but he needs me so badly and i love him dearly but i'm losing myself in the process. i guess you could say i'm having a crisis of self but it's difficult to explain. i don't know where to start. i'm not even sure how i got to this place. i feel absolutely drained. it's to the point i want to even start cutting myself again just to feel something but i know i'm not going to let myself do that again. so i'm just trapped. trapped in myself. it's like i'm screaming internally and i have so much love and help around me but i can't even verbalize the extent of how i feel. i can't put it into terms that anyone would understand, not even I understand. i just want to sleep all day but i can't sleep. my heart is bleeding and i guess it's my fault. i'm the controller of my emotions but i can't get a firm grasp on anything anymore. maybe ill feel better in the morning. i dunno. i don't want to seem heartless or like i don't care about anything because i genuinely do, but if i can't process my own emotions how can i process others? and i kind of know where i went wrong but ill have to get over it like everything else. i just want peace .. desperately it's just within my reach but every time i grab onto it, i fall again. i just ... i just need time. time to reground and refocus. but heavy shit happens every fucking day to me and i have to be selfish or i will fall deeper into this pit. fuck.

[faroutzest]

cool nights

[faroutzest-poetry]

Marijuana

I suck the soul out the swisher. giving each other brain all day. Mary my bitch, she never broke the peace but I'm steady ripping down her leaves she like it though calling my name waiting for the pick ups where the cats run. I'm sorry for cheating on you baby with that fuckboy xanny and baby girl Nikki I tried to stay monogamous but the streets aint serving you on a quickie accept me back baby I want you caressing my lungs. keeping me down, let me wander again. I'll pack you up tight. you're all I need and I know you'll never leave I'd go to Morocco for you risk my freedom for you some get shot over you I'd die for you maybe it's this cup talking. I've been drinking all day and dying again. it'll probably never end. baby me Mary, let me taste you again. flush my soul and run off these demons -Monica Parham