I´ll go up to Three - Fleabag fanfiction
It´s almost 10 p.m. It´s a dark night. I´m walking along to the garden gate of Church. If I´m lucky, Pam fell asleep. My heart is racing in my chest. (I feel sick.) I tried to plan what to say since I´ve seen the three little beans in the afternoon, but… I´m clueless. I was just sitting at home, watching the sonogram I´ve got, and thought about him. (Him and his God.)
They are his. (Perfectly sure.) He has every rights to know about them, and they have every rights to have their Dad. (A perfect Dad.) I was sure my Priest would be the best Dad ever…
But he chose God.
He banned me go to his Church, and yet here I am. Because I have news. (I´m shaking.) I´m not sure this was a good idea, but I´m knocking on the door. (No, this wasnt a good idea at all.) Still waiting. Knocking again. I´m nervous as I imagine Pam opens the door. That would be awkward.
And the door is finally opened. Not by Pam, but him. He´s standing there, wearing his Buffalo t-shirt and sweatpants, with sleepy face and messy hair, and I almost faint.
8 weeks. 8 fucking weeks since the bus stop, and my heart still jumps out when I see him again.
¨Hey¨ I smile. ˝You?˝ he´s mumbling. ˝Me.˝ (This was the worst fucking idea I´ve ever had)
He doesn´t say anything just stares at me. I swallow and see him. I need all my power not to pass out, and I hope he doesn´t see me shaking. I take a deep breath. I should say something, but I can´t.
Just smiling.
¨I think we agreed, that…¨ he starts. ¨I never ever come to your church again. Yeah. I know.¨ I cut in. ¨Never… ever¨ he repeats. ˝I don´t think it means a month and a half.¨ ¨8 weeks actually¨ smile again and feel his tense. ˝I´m sorry. I know. But we need to talk, father.˝ he gazes me with his warm brown eyes and I´m shivering. ¨Really important.¨ insist firmly. ¨Is there something wrong?¨ he asks and his worry melts my heart.
He tries to be strong, but he´s still helpful and caring. I bite my low lip, and beg with my eyes.
¨I can bring some cans of G&T, if it helps…¨ smiling. ¨Better not¨ he shakes his head then sighs. ¨Come on in then, just be quiet because…¨ ¨I know, Pam¨ nods and step into the house. I let him to lead me to the vestry room.
It´s cold outside, so I wouldn´t prefer to sit on a bench in the garden. I feel nervous and confused.
¨Would you like something… a drink maybe?¨ asks after he refused my offer of G&Ts. ¨No, thanks¨ I sit down and smile shyly as he´s just standing there. He seems helpless and frustrated.
(I still have no idea what to say) I touch my low belly, and I know the table covers me.
¨A tea would be nice, if you don´t mind¨ ¨Tea… yeah, sure¨ he nods, and rushes out to the kitchen.
I stay alone and have a little more time to find out what to do. I´m looking around in the vestry room and see the picture what fell down when I confessed I didnt believe in God. (What would happen if I confessed I got pregnant by Lord´s favorite servant?)
My chest starts hurting, I try to practice breathing techniques to avoid a panic attack. I don´t know how much time it took, but my Priest is finally back. Today he manage to pour tea to the mugs, doesn´t happen any accident, and he sits down to the other chair as far as he could.
¨Thanks¨ I smile and put sugar into my tea. Still shaking, still panicking. I feel his eyes on me, but I don´t dare to lift my head and facing him.
Silence.
¨Are you okay?¨ it felt forever before he asks that. I don´t know what to say. Just nod. ¨ You?¨ ¨It was a stupid question, wasn´t it?¨ he grimaces, I smile wider. ¨Definitely.¨ ¨Fair enough¨ takes his mug. ¨Your turn.¨ ¨Has it passed?¨ he chokes on his tea, coughs for seconds. ¨This wasn´t fair at all¨ wiped his eyes. ¨Sorry.¨
¨Why are you here?¨ he asks directly, looking into my eyes and I frown. I put my mug down, and take a deep breath. (It´s time to tell him… It´s time to show the pic of little beans)
¨I want to know.¨ ¨What?¨ ¨When you suprised me in my place at that night…¨ (8 weeks ago) ¨You started to tell me what you sacrified for God, but you didn´t finish it.¨ ¨I´ve got interrupted… if you remember…¨ ¨By Mr. Nine Times, I know…¨ ¨By you¨ he says in his deep low voice and I hear my heartbeats in my ears. (Jesus, how he could be always so hot?!) Through his eyes I can see our first night… (our single night actually), and I feel hot and wet again. ¨My bad¨ reply with trembling voice and I can´t say anything else.
The light in the vestry room hasn´t been the best one, but his blushing tells me, it hasn´t passed yet. We´re just watching each other for a while, and I am glad to see he is struggling too. (Sometimes I can be so cruel.)
¨I wanna hear your story¨ I state. ¨Why?¨ ¨Because you owe me that.¨ ¨Really?¨ asks with suprise. I nod. ¨It hasn´t passed in 8 weeks, and I feel it never will. I still love you.¨
His expression change. He looks pissed off and nervous, he opens his mouth but I stop him.
¨Don´t get me wrong! I respect your decision. You chose God and obviously this was the good choice, because you havent visited me since after that.¨ he got caught. ˝I assure you, this is my last attempt to…˝ (can´t finish the sentence.) ¨…but I need to know why. If I know your story and see your reasons, it´ll be easier to let you go.¨ explained. ¨So I beg you father, just… please… help me with that.¨
Silence.
I feel my face warm and my legs shaking. He doesn´t say ¨no¨ directly. He´s thinking about that.
¨You don´t like answering questions either, huh?¨ joking, but he doesn´t laugh with me. Heartbreaker.
¨Alright¨ he responds finally, and drinks another sips of tea. ¨Really?¨ gasp. ¨I owe you, as you said.¨ he sighs. ¨Thank you¨ I beam. I just came here to tell him I was pregnant, but actually I´m completely satisfied with this deal. He stands up, and grabs his mug. ¨Come with me¨
He leads me to the couch, where we was actually talking about babies… (Coincidence, coincidence.)
This will be more comfortable, than that old chair in the vestry room. I sit down to the couch and he sits into the armchair. I still remember how he sat there with crossed legs and cans of G&T around him, but now his toes stayed on the floor, and we just have two mugs of cooling herbal tea.
I put my shoes off and drawn up my legs on the couch. I dont wanna distract him, just try to find a comfy position, because I suppose this gonna be a long tale… ¨Ready¨
He nods and starts talking. He tells me everything what he wanted to. At that night, in my flat, when he decided to make me understand why he chose God. And he tries the same now, when I really want to understand him. I feel I only can make my decision, if I get to know him, (the real him) completely.
He whispers in his low voice, and in the first few minutes I just think about how he can turn me on so easily, then I start focusing on what he´s talking about, and I swear, I bite anybody´s head off, who tries to disturb us.
It´s taken several hours. His story was a rollercoaster. (¨Life is a rollercoaster. Just gotta ride it.¨) I feel many things at the same time. I finally know why he wants peace so badly. (More than me.)
¨Gotcha¨ I nod, when I´m sure he finished. He is naked now. (No, I didnt rip his fucking Buffalo t-shirt and sweatpants off, but I can see him now. And I don´t fancy him less.) ¨So it´s God, isn´t it?¨ ¨For fuck´s sake!¨ ¨Whyyy? It´s just a question, Father¨ I laugh playfully and touch my low belly for a second. ¨Seriously. Can it be anything –ANYTHING in the world- what could make you change your mind?¨ I ask him last time, honestly, not flirty. ¨No rush. Just think about it!¨
He doesn´t respond for a few seconds, I can see that I´m still a big temptation, but then he shakes his head.
¨You already know why¨ he whispers. ¨Yeah¨ I smile, look down and hope he didn´t see the tears in my eyes. ¨You will be happy¨ he states. ¨Yeah I will.¨ sniffle then lift my head up. ¨Thank you¨ ¨I am sorry. I really am.¨ his eyes was tearful too. ¨It´s okay¨ I say and we must laugh, a tear drops down from his eyes.
He looks at me sadly, and I know its still hard to both of us. I put my mug to the table, take my shoes on, and stand up.
¨Better to go.¨ He stands up, too, looking at me then out through the window. ¨Would you like me to call for a taxi? It´s late.¨ he offers. ¨It´s early, Father¨ I smile shyly. It was 4:32 a.m. ˝But no thanks, I think I walk.˝ ˝Sure?˝ ¨Yeah, it will be good. Everybody´s sleeping yet.¨
I take my coat and look around last time as he comes to me and opens the door. ˝Thank you Father. For your time… and for the tea.˝
I never forget his desperate, chocolate brown eyes.
¨God bless you¨ he takes my hand and I shudder again. I pull my hand out of his, then rubbing his chest suddenly. ¨You are a really good man. I hope He knows how lucky He is¨
I smile then turn around and walk away from the church. I step one by one, while my tears are falling and rolling down on my face. For a while I´m waiting for him to rush after me, stop me, love me, but he doesn´t… He chose God. Again.
END
+++ inspirated by ravenflighton´s fanfiction: I´ll Go Up To Three. (AO3) and of course by Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Andrew Scott.
Happy Birthday Andrew!
Enjoy! If you liked my fic, let me know :)
