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[fearknocks]

My Corona, a Matter of Time, What a World

I keep having this recurring dream about Elizabeth Montgomery, Samantha from the old television program Bewitched. She does that thing with her mouth when she’s casting a spell, I can hear the sound, and then magically the old punk group The Knack go into their overplayed song… but it’s different… something like…

Ooh, my little pretty one, my pretty one When you gonna give me some time, Corona Close enough to look in my eyes, Corona Is it just a matter of time, Corona? Is it d-d-destiny, d-destiny Or is it just a game in my mind, Corona?

Is it just a matter of time, Corona?

Is it, indeed, just a matter of time? My family and I have all had it, and hope to not get it again, but who knows? Who knows anything anymore? Where can one turn for credible and accurate data? Certainly not the Internet. I think Corona is more of a sorceress, an evil sorceress. I hear her voice…

I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!

And where does this leave me as someone trying to be a writer? Having the virus really set me back, and then NaNoWriMo happened and I failed. I never fail at NaNoWriMo, but this year… this year has been different. The Corona Virus, COVID-19, felt a little like being doused with water and then suddenly melting…

ARRRRRGH! — YOU CURSED BRAT! LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE! I’m MELTING! Melting! Oh — what a world, what a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness?! ARRRRRGH! I’m gone! I’m gone! I’m going!

Through all of this there has been some good news. Had a story picked up for the upcoming Utah Horror Anthology, Wasatch Witches. In addition, I was asked to be the publisher, which means Fear Knocks Press is being resurrected. So, in addition to the annual Christmas chapbook, that is on schedule as usual, there will be a new title appearing early next year. .

Well, despite the good news, I still feel like I need to isolate myself. I don’t mean social distancing or going into the woods never to return. I think I just need to isolate all the noise, noise, noise, noise – and re-focus on what’s important, including writing.

I hope all of you have a super week, a fantastic month, and a happy holiday season! Good luck with the writing and everything that you are striving to accomplish. You can do it! Stay safe out there!

[fearknocks]

The Snow

The snow is falling outside my window. The shopping is almost done for Thanksgiving, just need a few things for the aromatics that will make the turkey gravy perfect. I look at the pumpkins outside my front door. They have all turned orange. A little late for Halloween, right on time for Thanksgiving. The flag hangs, flaps in the changing weather, the changing mood. Veterans’ Day was in there somewhere, Remembrance Day. I reflect on my friends, especially those who never made it out alive. It’s so easy to be thankful for all of my blessing, not just to be alive, but to be living… it’s much more difficult to be grateful. Gratitude is something more than being thankful.

To see we must forget the name of the thing we are looking at.

Claude Monet

I look at my desk and wonder if I will ever be caught up, will ever have the time I need, or will ever accomplish what I set out to do. Sometimes, I think, I confuse hopes and dreams with reality. I don’t mind, though. Living in a reality with hopes and dreams, as well as despair and nightmares, is what kind of makes life worth living. Makes me understand what gratitude is. Thanksgiving means gratitude, a grateful acknowledgment of benefits or favors, an expression of thanks, a public celebration in acknowledgment of divine favor or kindness. I like that divine favor part. Something about God and the upcoming holiday season just feels right somehow.

You must unlearn what you have learned.

Yoda

And how can you not be thankful, grateful, and everything in between with a new Star Wars moving coming out, the last in the line of the nine episode original? But I digress. We were talking about snow, the ice planet Hoth, and maybe showing gratitude.

Snow covers the filth, the dead, everything that is negative with a white purity that says gratitude. Snow can be a blanket of forgetfulness that promises the green rebirth of life in spring. I love snow. My wife, not so much. To her, snow only means one thing: cold. My wife also wants me to end this blog by encouraging each of you to tell those around you how grateful you are, tell your family how much you love them, and be safe out there. I think she wants me to wrap this up. I’m having a hard time because it feels like there is something more. Perhaps, I’m planning to go on an adventure.

I’m going on an adventure.

J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit, or There and Back Again

The thing that I love most about the holiday season, aside from snow, is the promise of more time. It’s not that there are suddenly more than 24 hours in day, but I have days off, or days that are unscheduled, which frees up time to do things I haven’t been doing. One example is reading more, reading for pleasure, re-reading some of my favorite books. It’s also a time to read holiday favorites, like Charles Dickens’s A Christmas Carol. That is probably my favorite Christmas read. For Thanksgiving, I usually re-read Tolkien’s The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings, and I should have recently re-read Elizabeth Kostova’s The Historian for Halloween (which I have). I’ve already also re-read Frankenstein, Dracula, and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – using it now as part of my comp classes. So, how about a short, holiday reading list, at least what I plan to read over the next few weeks:

A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens

in a dark, dark wood by Ruth Ware

I Am Providence by Nick Mamatas

Donn’s Shadow by Caryn Larrinaga

Song for the Unraveling of the World by Brian Evenson

Inés of My Soul by Isabel Allende

In the Midst of Winter by Isabel Allende

In the comings days, I will also be finishing up National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). I’m a little behind at present, but hope to be caught up by the end of the week. It’s always fun, but it can be painful. Recently, the story I was working on made a complete U-Turn and turned into something else. The key, I suppose, is getting 50,000 words done in a month. I think that’s why December is unofficially called National Novel Editing Month (NaNoEdMo).

So, happy holidays, stay warm, curl up with a good book, enjoy the snow, and be sure to show some gratitude to all those around you, including yourself. Happy Holidays!

P. S. sorry this was a bit whimsical and meandering… must be the time of the year. My SEO analysis is abysmal… oh well, I’m grateful to know I can do better:)

[fearknocks]

Writer's Block: the Demon, Acedia

I hate to admit it, but I’ve been coming up empty lately. I’m having a hard time writing. I’ve considered anxiety and depression, but then I stumbled onto a new word – Acedia – and a new book.

I was trying to write the closing section of my newsletter, Exit Scott, and stumbled on the word and then the book. A Marriage, Monks, and a Writer’s Life: Acedia & Me by Kathleen Norris. The title grabbed my attention, not just because of acedia.

To me, acedia is kind of like depression, but not really.

Acedia reminds me of nostalgia, Civil War nostalgia, a messed-up-mix of homesickness, melancholy, PTSD, and also depression. Acedia and nostalgia both leave a person feeling empty, hopeless, like he or she just can’t do anything, can’t write or work or get up in the morning, and worse, especially with acedia, the person doesn’t care.

Norris acknowledges acedia “may be an unfamiliar term to those not well versed in monastic history or medieval literature…” and adds the “word has a peculiar history… [it] has gone in and out of favor over the years”(2). To define the term isn’t easy, as Norris references a French monk, Placide Deseille, “who describes the word as so pregnant with meaning that it frustrates every attempt to translate it.’”(3).

I did a quick Google search –  spiritual or mental sloth; apathy –considered Merriam-Webster’s more detailed definition – a combination of the negative prefix a–  and the Greek noun kēdos, meaning “care, concern, or grief.” Acedia initially referred specifically to the “deadly sin” of sloth – and find I’m disappointed. Neither source conveys what I’ve been feeling. Sloth? Really? Have you seen my schedule?!?!

Eight Deadly Thoughts, Seven Deadly Sins?

Acedia was originally part of the 8 Deadly Thoughts – Gluttony, Lust, Avarice or Greed, Superbia or Pride, Despair or Sadness, Anger or Wrath, Vainglory, and Acedia – a list that was later consolidated in the 6th Century by Pope Gregory the Great into the 7 Deadly Sins – Pride, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Anger, Greed, and Sloth – at which point Acedia, along with Despair or Sadness, Superbia, Wrath, and Vainglory were kind of lost. In addition, Acedia had often been confused with Despair or Sadness, and combining both into the term Sloth almost sealed its doom. Norris continues:

…the word acedia means absence of care. The person afflicted by acedia refuses to care or is incapable of doing so. When life becomes too challenging and engagement with others too demanding, acedia offers a kind of spiritual morphine: you know the pain is there, yet can’t rouse yourself to give a damn. That it hurts to care is borne out in etymology, for care derives from an Indo-European word meaning ‘to cry out,’ as in lament. Caring is not passive, but an assertion that no matter how strained and messy our relationships can be, it is worth something to be present, with others, doing our small part. Care is also required for the daily routines that acedia would have us suppress or deny as meaningless repetition or too much bother. (3-4)

Acedia or Writer’s Block

Acedia is starting to sound like a  recent acquisition of mine – Writer’s Block –  and my life-long curse of worry (i.e. anxiety). “The desert monks termed acedia “the noonday demon” because the temptation usually struck during the heat of the day, when the monk was hungry and fatigued, and susceptible to the suggestion that his commitment to a life of prayer was not worth the effort” (Norris 5). That sounds like Writer’s Block when one considers that the monastic life and the writer’s life both require a great deal of training. The monk must train himself to embrace a daily routine that brings him closer to God by removing distractions from his life and prayer. The writer must also train him or herself to a routine, remove distractions, and embrace the routine of writing.

Norris ends chapter 1 of her book with this thought:

Acedia is the monk’s temptation because, in a demanding life of prayer, it offers the ease of indifference. Yet I have come to believe that acedia can strike anyone whose work requires self-motivation and solitude, anyone who remains married “for better for worse,” anyone who is determined to stay true to a commitment that is sorely tested in everyday life. When I complained to a Benedictine friend that for me, acedia was no longer a noontime demon but seemed like a twenty-four-hour proposition, he replied, “Well, we are speaking of cosmic time. And it is always noon somewhere. (6)

I look forward to reading Norris’s book in great detail and freeing myself from the demon, Acedia. It seems to be working, so far. Good luck, keep reading, and see you next time from the beautiful city of cedar and the Utah Shakespearean Festival!

Works Cited

“Acedia.” Merriam-Webster. www. merriam-webster.com/dictionary/acedia. Accessed 21 June 2018.

Norris, Kathleen. A Marriage, Monks, and A Writer’s Life: Acedia & Me. New York, Riverhead Books, 2008.

[fearknocks]

Resolutions

I don’t know about resolutions. I’ve never been much for making them. I think they should be called good intentions. Goals, on the other hand, are something I can get behind. I like short-term goals. Something I can accomplish in a week or less. I don’t mind long-term goals either, as long as they don’t go beyond 6 months to a year. Anything longer than that is a dream, and usually a wish. So, with that said, I accomplished a long-term goal: I published some short stories on Amazon.com. It was a great experience, I learned a lot, and I now understand that I have a lot more to learn. My next short-term goal is to get everyone to go out and buy these wonderful stories.

Okay, that’s unrealistic, and these little darlings should probably be killed. I’m not under any illusion that everyone will magically buy my stuff. However, I do believe that a few may look at it if they can get it for free. Over the Martin Luther King Day holiday weekend, when everyone will have some free time on their hands, these four short stories will be free to download (13-15 January 2018). Just click on this link. If you feel like it, leave a review or send me some feedback.

Changing gears, a friend of mine told me that I needed to come up with a brand. If I’m a horror writer I need a horror brand. If I’m a poet I need a poetry brand. That kind of thing. As of late, I feel like my brand might be the Cinderelly brand. You know the song: Cinderelly, Cinderelly Night and day it’s Cinderelly Make the fire, fix the breakfast Wash the dishes, do the mopping And the sweeping and the dusting… I’m probably more of a Disney Princess meets Jack Skellington.

I do like fire (fire, friend) and breakfast (and second breakfast), I do load the dishwasher, and will, on occasion, do the mopping and the sweeping and the dusting. I also do the laundry (not on Cinderelly’s list, I see). I bring this up, not to complain – I’m sure we all have chores to do – but to make a point that I might need help with. I thought I would have more time, being semi-retired, to write and to be published. I also thought writing would come easier. Most days, I sit at my desk and I feel like I’m a washed-up poet and writer. Fame and Fortune are really me moonlighting as a laundress for a small family in suburbia. When I twirl like Wonder Woman, I change from Cinderelly into an old man with lots of appointments regarding various defective body parts (original parts at least:). What kind of brand is that? The Mr. Mom meets Death brand?

Then again, there’s so much more than doing the wash, running the dishwasher, and growing dead. There’s always my alter-alter-ego: Rock Star. Try being a Rock Star, Mr. Mom, and an old man running from Death while reading several books a week and trying to write several more. Well, I’ve at least laid down a track or two and continue to read books. Here’s one track – my version of the old Nazareth favorite – books will follow.

http://fearknocks.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/HairoftheScottMixDown.wav

Speaking of books – did you like that transition – this is what’s on the nightstand:

Steppenwolf & Siddhartha, both by Hermann Hesse

The English Patient by Michael Ondaatje

Honky Tonk Samurai & Bad Chile, both by Joe R. Landsdale

Infinite Jest by Davis Foster Wallace

Guitar by Richard Chapman

Loving Joe R. Landsdale (as always – he’s right up there with Robert R. McCammon for me). David Foster Wallace is a challenge (I think Joyce and Melville are easier reads and better stories). Richard Chapman is a good review of several things I know or should know on the guitar. I haven’t opened Hermann Hesse or Michael Ondaatje yet. I used to think reading helped with writing. I still do, but not in the way I originally thought it would help. It has expanded my vocabulary, my skill with words, and my experience. It has turned a few jingles in my head into more of a symphony.

What are you reading right now?

How much do you read?

Does it affect your writing?

How?

Post your comments below:)

[fearknocks]

Lovecraft's Pillow Cover Reveal

Greetings, fellow travelers. The time has come for my first cover reveal, followed by my first eBook launch. Okay, so it’s a short story, and the cover’s pretty basic, but I’m there – it feels like Christmas!

Plan for at least two more stories to follow before December 24th (Just in Time for Christmas!)

The stories coming your way are The House that Jack Built and Lost at Sea. The first is a reprint from Gothic Tales of Terror, an anthology released in 2015, and tells a strange tale about a certain infamous denizen of Whitechapel. The second story first appeared in Morpheus Tales,  Issue 17, in 2012, and then found new life in Morpheus Tales: The Best Weird Fiction Volume 6, in 2016; it adds a missing part to the classic Gothic Horror story, sometimes Science Fiction story, of Frankenstein, or the Modern Prometheus.

Lastly, if you are not a subscriber to my newsletter, and you want free stories and other swag, from time to time, now would be a great time to sign up. Drop by the Landing Page for a quick form. Once you’ve filled it out, you will be given a password to access the story.

As always, thanx for your support, and thanx for reading!

[fearknocks]

Jumping from the Curb...

I’ve been working a lot lately on getting things published, which includes trying to find a publisher, or an agent to represent my work, or just someone who cares. I’ve had some success, as always, with poetry and short stories, but…

I want to get my novel published!

Okay, several novels, but things aren’t working out how I planned. I’m to the point that Charles Dickens found himself when no one would publish A Christmas Carol… okay, maybe not to that point, but it feels like it.

Traditional or Legacy Publishing versus Self- or Independent Publishing: To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them?

I’m ready to take arms and oppose.

I grew up believing, earned my degrees and still believing, and even now believe that I should be traditionally published. It’s validating, right? Reality, however, is screaming that my only hope, especially considering what I write, is to become an “Indie” and self-publish (or find Obi Wan). Despite the likes of Beatrix Potter, Walt Whitman, Marcel Proust, Mark Twain, William Blake, Oscar Wilde, Virginia Woolf, and Charles Dickens all having done it, it makes my skin crawl.

Just close your eyes, they say. Let all your fears and common sense blow to the four winds. It’s useless to resist (or was that Resistance is Futile?). Just jump in with both feet and do it. Who cares if it ruins you (financially, mentally, and creatively)?

I find myself overwhelmed and dizzy, as if I’m a Lilliputian standing at the edge of a Yahoo sidewalk contemplating Jumping from the Curb into the gutter, into the maelstrom of self-do-everything, floating downstream into subterranean levels of damp stink, black cold, and obscene obscurity, with what little self-esteem I have left mingling and mating with sewer rats and abandoned alligators.

I think what really is holding me back is that “self-do-everything” part, which includes the two things that are always insisting on being on opposite ends of my life spectrum: time and money. When I have the time, I’m broke. When I have the money, I have no time.  Then there are a few other minor things:

Editing the manuscripts, manuscripts that have seen Alpha and Beta-readers and a lot of self-editing (and they still feel incomplete and imperfect)

Establishing a publishing company, acquiring business licenses, figuring out taxes

UPCs, EANs, ISBNs, ASINs, Copyright, LOC, to infinity and beyond

Art, Covers, Backs, Spines, Interior matter, blah, blah, blah…

Self-promotion, press materials, marketing, public relations, and an advertising campaign

A website to showcase and sell, a blog to attract fans, distribution, social media, book signings, release parties, swag…

Working on all of this kind of sucks every molecule of creativity out of my body directly through pores that are only a half molecule in diameter. It hurts. I just wanted to write books, be creative, and stay in my comfort zone….

Jumping! I’m in the gutter!! floating down, down, down, and… it’s damp, stinks, is black, cold, and…

The first three self-do-everything covers for three previously published shorts I’m going to put out on Amazon for .99 cents each. Yes, I want similarities, and these will all be joining a future collection called – you guessed it – Haunted Tales (unless someone thinks of something better quick). The collection will include published and new work, as well as a professional cover, spine, back, front and back matter, etc.  Your feedback is requested, welcome, and appreciated – thank you!

[fearknocks]

Karma :) League of Utah Writers Fall Conference

One thing that I have been really working on for the last several months, probably subconsciously in conjunction with my difficulty in writing, is choosing not to be offended. I think it started when I was asked by an ecclesiastical authority to change my username on a church website (Prince of Darkness kind of clashes with Church of Jesus Christ…). Choosing not to be offended is kind of like Karma – what goes around comes around (maybe)?

At first, I really struggled with such a small thing – choosing not to be offended – afterall, I had been using the moniker as part of my writing persona almost as long as Ozzy Osbourne. I found myself really having to look at things in a “big picture” be-kind-and-thoughtful way. As the sting of that change wore off, I found that I was being constantly bombarded with opportunities to choose not to be offended.  As Luck, or I prefer, Fate would have it, one of the workshops I attended at the League of Utah Writers Fall Conference tied rather nicely into this fun, along with my own workshop in which, yes, I had to choose not to be offended… imagine that:)

Callie, Paul, and me

I am thankful for the several brave individuals – victims – who attended my class, How to Be a Boring, Bad Writer... I must be more infamous than I believed myself to be – I had over 10 people show up, shall we say, and my class even included a poetry component. In addition, the lasagna at the gala, finale, closing ceremonies, whatever it was called, was wonderful, not to mention sitting at the Guests of Honor table with Kevin J. Anderson, J.H. Moncrieff, Paul Genesse, Callie Stoker, Jared Gray, and Jodi Milner. Talk about not being offended and Karma – I must be living right.

So, back to Karma and one of my most beloved friends, J. H. Moncrieff, one of two Guests of Honor (the other being Kevin J. Anderson). J.H.M., as her not-so-close friends call her, really helped me embrace the Karma of the conference, which  increased my willingness to stay and attend several of her classes and panels, including How to Improve Your Online Karma…

Now, let me be upfront and honest – this is going to be my take-away, my point of view, what I got out of the class… is that enough “full disclosure,” or maybe full-frontal– never mind. The biggest take-away is the following:

DO NOT EVER POST SOMETHING YOU WILL REGRET

(FYI – Social Media is FOREVER)

J.H. Moncrieff & a fan.

There are three basic rules to online Karma: 1) build personal relationships, 2) don’t constantly self-promote, and 3) word-of-mouth and goodwill trumps advertising. There was also a Fourth Rule, kind of like Let the Fourth Be With You kind of rule, as mentioned: DO NOT EVER POST SOMETHING YOU WILL REGRET.

  Now, there are several other tidbits that I found most endearing, and also that I intended to use as I resurrect my blog, which as most of you know usually only appears after I’ve attended some kind of writing event. One of the tidbits is something many are familiar with – Branding – and something that I absolutely detest – why do I need to have a brand, or be a brand, or invent a brand? Well, the answer is pretty simple: none of the Big-5 are going to brand me, so I guess I’ll be forced to do it myself.

Me, J.H. & Lauri Schoenfeld

  Branding can be broken down into several key components, but these are probably the most critical:

What kind of books do I write?

What is my voice?

What am I passionate about?

What do I want potential readers to know about me?

What makes me different from everyone else?

Answer these, and you will know what your brand is. You may also have a good idea of a logo or symbol to represent what you are, who you are, and what you represent. Personally, I don’t know all the answers, but I plan to find out soon…

A couple of other pieces of advice, which are going to pretty much make this whole post null and void:

Post for Readers, Not Writers

Give More than You Receive

Okay, maybe only null, not void. I will leave this blog post with the following closing remarks:

Be the better person – rise above trolls and negative critiques

Be Grateful Everyday

Do Some Good Everyday