I'm only human, I can only do my best but it's starting to feel like that's not good enough. All I'm doing anymore is just reacting after the fact and trying to pick up as many of the pieces as I can so that I can pretend for a little long that everything is still the same. But it's not and I can't even believe my own lies anymore. And it all comes back to the same question... Am I a bad friend? I admit that I can be oblivious, forgetful, and sometimes I just have no fucking clue what I'm supposed to do because- social cues? Fuck that noise. I'm just winging it and hoping I got the facial expression and emotions right. Only to be slapped across the face with an out of left field "not even close dumbass" clue-by-four that empathically says "not a chance in hell, you fucked up". In a book or a movie betrayal makes sense. It's a logical step fueled by hurt feelings and a Gordian's knot of other messy things, but in real life I just can't understand why. What did I do that was so morally reprehensible that you smile to my face as you twist the knife in my back? Where did I fail as a friend that you would slander my name and reputation over something you know is a lie? And the sad part is I fall into this same situation again and again, constantly thinking -foolishly hoping- that this time will be different. I willingly lay on the train tracks and stupidly trust that this time the train will stop, because you have to be different. You can't be the same as everyone else, because if you are what the hell does that say about me? That I will pull the wool over my own eyes and happily dance my way to the slaughterhouse because damnit I am so fucking tired of being alone? And now I am once again in square one asking myself is the pretty lie better than the ugly truth? Do I continue on with the bullshit just so that I can pretend someone give a flying fuck about me? Or do I break it off and hope that this time I'll learn my fucking lesson? I just can't do this anymore and I am so tired of gaining and losing like I'm on some kind of twisted roller coaster and riding blindfolded. Because it all comes back to the same fucking question that I can never seem to find the answer to- Why can't I be good enough?