Though time is truly limitless, and time will continue on infinitely. The time we have with friends, loved ones, family, that special someone or someones all have an expiration date. Not one of us is guarantee time, at a blink of an eye-- a terrible accident can wipe out an entire family, one can start with a bit of pain somewhere their body and before you know it find out they have some stage 4 terminal illness and then they are gone. Then there are those horrific experiencea; the worst kind of death-- murder and suicide. Death is inevitable, how we eaxh die no one will know until that moment comes. But over the years, especially within the last year, I've experienced such horrors of suicide, death of children due a car accident and murder. And these losses have truly impacted me. I am trying harder than ever before to be available, to be in the moment. To experience each person I come in counter with, in real time, face to face. I want to hear, see, feel, smell and even taste that person or persons. Yet, I find that many are stuck behind the screen or busy trying to plan with other people, assuming that they have plenty of time to catch up with that person that they so easliy pushed to the side. Believing there will be a next time. I have been feeling invisible, like what I say doesn't matter. My suggestions, thoughts, ideas and my feelings don't have much value. And when I do speak somehow my words are twisted, turnes into something ugly and my intentions are misguided. Only a few of my words are heard and those particularly words or that particular sentence has some how become the center of the conversation and everything else is ignored. Even at work when I'm trying to clarify things and get it clear answer especially at work, I'm just brushed aside. My texts, emails ignored no response. But let me fucked up and it might as well be published on CNN. Nevertheless, corporate is ready with their disclosure and how I should always know when, how, where and what questions to ask even when I believe I have the correct answer but I also should not ask questions about what I supposedly should already know. As I ger older I feel like saying less and frankly doing even less. As I continue to get older I'm eagerly waiting for death, I'm not afraid of death I'm more so afraid about how I will die and how long I may suffer before I die. I am not looking to change anyone and I am not looking to have people see things through my eyes. But I would like to be heard to be seen, to be respected, to be appreciated. And it would really be nice if some would just ask me how I feel or have been feeling. I just want to get to know people. For us to share in our ideas, our thoughts, our opinions. I'm really not expecting anyone to read this I have a comment anxious speaking my mind then what's in my heart. for anyone who has taken time out to read it or leave it on, thank you I appreciate you.
