#feelingthefeels

[thinkingthefeels]

Does grief ever goes away?

Will you forever be a ghost in the back of my mind and my dreams? 

You’ve been in my dreams, but way back, in the background and I wake up and I’m not sure if it was you who I saw or just a ghost, someone my soul used to know. I had a dream recently and I swear I could feel your calling, and I never knew love or attachment could be that strong. I thought of texting you that day, but I didn't, I don't want to disturb your journey and you asked me not to reach out, so I won't. But I told you I didn’t wanted this to happen, I didn't wanted to live with your shadow behind me, I didn't wanted to try to remember your face and see you like a whisper in my mind all the time, but you were right, we can’t be friends. We can’t be close, even though you are the one closest to me, I’ll forever miss you, even if I don’t want you, I’ll forever grief. 

[maidenariana]

These photos were both taken on Monday. On the left, 2:39am & on the right, just before I began to stream later that day. Why is she sharing this? Is she okay? You might ask many questions based on the picture on the left. Why did i even take that photo? The short answers are yes I am "fine" and I took the picture to remember how I was feeling. When I struggle to sleep or I am really "experiencing the feels," I sometimes take a picture. I look back upon my week or my month and look for patterns as to when and why I might be experiencing a tough time. Here is the thing. These days it is truly about 80 to 90 percent of the time I am doing just great. There are days though when I slow down a bit and just begin to experience a time where things have built up and I need to just shut down and let the emotions take hold. I am kind of an emotional sponge (an ENFP, the E is very marginal). I have an over abundance of empathy for those that I care about and I tend to also take on and hurt when members of my family or friends are hurting. I don't always show it in the moment when conversing with them. I try to be what they seem to need me to be for them, but then later when I am off on my own.. boom 💥 Lately, a lot of people I care deeply about are struggling for a variety of reasons. This affects me even though my personal situation is currently relatively okay.. good even. But, I hate feeling powerless and very early Monday morning I felt powerless and frustrated. I am not looking to be showered with attention or concern here.. I mainly post this just to say.. I am NOT my best selfie. I'm human and experience a wide range of good and bad times just like anyone else. My outlook is almost always positive these days and for that I am very grateful. I am glad to know many of you personally and you all collectively help me just as much as anything I have ever posted has helped you. There is a reason I am still on social media after all this time. I keep meeting amazing people through it! Love you all! ❤ #iamnotmybestselfie #emotionalsponge #feelingthefeels #girlslikeus #transvengers #lgbt #itsokaytocry #letyourselffeeltoheal #twitchaffiliate #linkinmyprofile https://www.instagram.com/p/CAZCqScnBHb/?igshid=djaopdi4l4xl

[dementednursearego]

"She was an Angel for Halloween once, but never again and for Christmas every year she is haunted by demons."

[thinkingthefeels]

See you in the next one

I wish I could explain myself in a way you would understand, I wish there was a way we could understand each other. I really don’t know how to be honest with my reasons without hurting you, so all I can say is that I’m sorry and I’ll always be sorry not to have the words you deserve, not to be more gentle with why I’m making the choices I’m making. Recently, I saw a movie that said it, right now I’m having trouble remembering exactly what it said, but it was something like, I can’t put myself in a position where I could be disrespected like I was before and hurt like I was before and I’m not saying that it wasn’t both ways, but that’s exactly it, I don’t think we can risk it again, at least not any time soon. If we do meet again someday, we’ll see what the future will hold for us, maybe we will never be ready for each other in this life and even thought that hurts everywhere in my body and soul, I’m starting to accept it. Like you said, maybe this one wasn’t our 8000 life and we’ll get married when our souls meet that number. I just wish that it didn’t hurt like it does, like my soul is being pierced and ripped apart every time I think of you, of us. 

You said you hope for our eyes, lips and hearts to meet again, and I hope they do in some other universe, in some other life. I hope our souls will meet as cows and seahorses and trees that just embrace one another in an endless hug until the end of times or until some asshole chop us and somehow we still end up as two colored pencils in a little girls hands who’s drawing a picture of her dog. I do think of you when I see those videos, because I think that if we were cats we would’ve made it, no fighting, no hurting, no lying, no cheating, just cuddles and nose kisses, there would be just swimming next to each other and there would be just the touch, just the connection, just the love. 

As I’m writing this, I’m crying so hard because of how awful this hurts. Never in a million years I would’ve thought we would end, none the less end like this. But somehow we did. I wish I could have wiser words for our younger selves, I wish we would’ve been ready for each other, I wish this would’ve been our 8000 lifetime together, I wish there wasn’t so much hurt, I hope we get to the 8000 life and I hope we will know how lucky we are, so we don’t screw it up. 

I hope for you the best as well, and I really hope we will never be strangers but if we have to I just hope I’ll see you next time and I hope we get to be cats. 

Love you forever in this and in every lifetime, 

Goodbye.

[thinkingthefeels]

"And you know that I'd swing with you for the fences

Sit with you on the trenches

Give you my wild, give you a child

Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other 

Family that I chose, now that I see your brother as my brother,

Is it enough?

I thought that if I were to give you all the things you wanted it would’ve been enough, it wasn’t. And I thought that if that’s wasn’t enough for you then nobody else would bare the burden that its loving me. I could never give peace to anybody with how fucked up I am. And yet I’m here lying on his couch feeling the comfiest I’ve ever been. And he’s comfortable with my presence, he doesn’t feel invaded, he rather likes that im here, he even likes it when im here and he’s not home. 

He has told me repeatedly that he has never felt the freedom to be himself in past relationships as he feels it with me. So I do give him peace, the one thing I could never give to you. And I feel peace as well, I feel safe, I feel taking care for, I’m no longer on edge. I’m really sorry we didn’t worked out like this. Im really sorry we weren’t the right people for each other.

[thinkingthefeels]

What happens when this ends? The romance and the looks of love and when I hurt you. What happens after I hurt you? After you hurt me? After you lie. I’m so afraid and I don’t want to go at this with fear. 

My trust has been shattered so many times and it’s not your fault, it’s not mine either, it’s no one’s fault, but it has happened and I’m left with all this issues. I’m trying, I’m trying to learn but I don’t know how to learn in a healthy way. I’m so sorry, I’ll be so sorry when we start hurting each other. It kind of happened today and I’m trying something new, I’m trying trust, I wish you’d stay here this weekend and not go I’m kind of hoping for it, but I know you won’t and I know I shouldn’t expect for that. When will anybody meet my expectations, probably never. I shouldn’t expect nothing, and all I can expect is for me to deal with whatever choice you make. I have to try trust again, I’m just so afraid for it to be shattered. 

This feels more adult, and maybe I don’t have the fight in me anymore, maybe with age, wisdom do not comes but tiredness instead. Maybe the fight is over not because we get better at dealing with it but because we don’t have the energy nor the will to fight it. I don’t know if I want find out which one it is.

[annaaaxo]

drowning in art or work or sleep. so that we don’t drown in feelings. . distraction isn’t the solution. everything will re-surface. the question is when and how. . so distract yourself for some time, but be sure to go through your feelings as well. . . #artismedicine #feelingthefeels #yougrowthroughwhatyougothrough #quoteoftheday #wordstoliveby #lifehack #lovinglife #lovinglifewithyou #drowninginfeelings #drowninginyourlove #relationshipquotes #relationshippoetry #longdistancelove #oceanlover #writersandlovers #writerslife #couplegoals #youconsumeme #youaremymuse #motovationmonday #cutyourselfsomeslack #keepgoing #keepfeeling #nanalolapoetry #nanalolaswords #nanalola https://www.instagram.com/p/CJDdJo6FFlY/?igshid=8w9clbvil9bz

[runningequalsfood]

This thing I wrote a couple years ago

You know there’s that desperate feeling you get when everything is ending? When it seems that everything and everyone you love is gone and all there is is the end. And all you’ll ever have of those people is the memories. And that is the only place you will find those people. And there will always be those things you wanted to tell those people, but you never will now because that time is over and they’re gone. Gone from your life and gone forever. Washed up in the river of life that takes everyone. It seems like life can’t go on without them because they’ve always been there, but reality crashes through the fantastic illusion and you realize that life pushes forward despite when it ends. And you realize too late that it’s the people in your life that make all the difference. It’s the people that make life worth living. But by the time you realize that, they’ve already gone and you fade from their mind and memories and become the wispy shadows that lurk in the back of your mind never to be seen or remembered again. And as they leave your life, your heart breaks with them.