stray kids reaction: comforting your zoom anxiety
a/n: sorry these have been so angsty lately but this is just something i struggle with now a lot w/my anxiety and thought maybe this could help some of you who are going through the same thing rn xx
also i’m so sorry i spent hours trying to get the read more option to work but it wouldn’t :’( if anyone has any tips feel free to let me know
chan walks past your spot at the table and immediately falters when he notices you staring numbly at your laptop screen.
he crouches down to try to meet your gaze, and then, worried at how your bottom lip starts to tremble, gently tilts your chin up to face him. “(y/n)? what’s going on?”
you just shake your head, trying not to meet his gaze
chan’s not an idiot; something’s obviously wrong
because despite how much you try to hide things, chan knows. he just knows that you won’t tell him what’s going on, and a lot of it is because you want so much to be strong and not feel like such a burden (which you could never, ever be, chan loves you to the end of the world and back)
and he also knows you beat yourself up for mistakes so much worse than anyone, always obsessively focusing on self-perceived flaws for days. weeks, even.
so when he happens to notice the zoom launch page, realization floods across his face.
“oh, baby, no. come here”
chan wraps you in his arms, gently closing your laptop with one hand and guiding you from desk to couch where you nestle your head into his chest
“i’m so stupid, chan,” you whimper, bringing your hands up to cover your face. “why am i like this?”
it hurts chan to see you like this
he wants more than anything to make everything better, but he knows these things take time and you need time
“you mean, why are you so talented, and beautiful, and dedicated? i don’t know, babe. you just are. i’m not surprised, though.”
“you know, (y/n), i promised i wouldn’t let anyone talk to you like that,” chan murmurs, “not even yourself.”
you look up at chan with wide eyes
“i know it’s hard, baby. i know it’s scary, but i’m so proud of you for getting through it.”
chan just wants to pamper you for the rest of the day, and more often than not, the two of you will cuddle together and end up falling asleep for a few hours, tangled together on the couch until you’re ready enough to talk things out.
minho’s brow raises when he sees the door to his room crack open, and he watches as you barrel towards him, collapsing onto the bed next to his legs.
he doesn’t think anything of it, not really.
well, maybe he’s just a little disappointed that you didn’t come to cuddle and rest your head next to his chest, because minho won’t admit it, but he’s a simp for your cuddles
but then, a few seconds later, he notices you’re trembling.
and all too soon, he realizes with horror, that the way you’re huddling toward him isn’t out of comfort, oh no, not comfort.
minho sits up immediately and looks over to see you curled up in the fetal position with your eyes shut, your arms wrapped tightly around your legs
minho murmurs a worried, “babe?”, and he feels his heart break as your eyes open and fill with tears
“it doesn’t get better. i’m never going to be normal.”
minho gently pries the phone out your grasp because it’s only making you feel worse, and he’s about to close all your tabs until he notices what’s on the screen: articles about anxiety, coping mechanisms, how-to’s for speaking up, not freezing up, how to hide fear -- and his heart breaks.
minho gets up for a moment, taking your phone to place it on the nightstand. and when he leaves the room and comes back a minute later with soonie in his arms, he gently plops her down onto your hip and then sits cross-legged beside you, his eyes sad and his head propped in his hands
“you can talk to me, i’ve got you.”
and you let all the words fall out.
afterwards, minho wraps a knit blanket around your form and tells you, quietly, that you’re the most special person in the world.
“more than your cats?” you manage to joke weakly, cracking the faintest smile.
a relieved smile immediately tugs at minho’s lips and the way he looks at you makes you feel like the luckiest person in the world. “you’re feeling better,” minho whispers, half to himself, half to you, and then he lets his gentle smile curve to a teasing smirk.
and like a brat, he says, “i said person.”
you whine and softly poke his cheek, but minho leans over you to press annoying kisses all across your face with the most loving expression
“yah, (y/n), of course you’re more special than my cats, my god”
you already know the routine by now
you’d texted changbin in midst of your online class with your signature emoji that means: please help i can’t think everything’s too much
and as soon as it’s over changbin’s here with a sympathetic expression and a sheepish shrug, holding a heavy pillow out a safe (and far) distance in front of him
you nod, shakily, and they you step up to the pillow and start slamming your fists into the pillow, words flying from your mouth about how annoying your brain is and how much you hate this and your blows weaken and your words jumble together until changbin lets the pillow lower and he welcomes you into his arms
he runs his hand against your back and just stands and holds you for a while, rocking you back and forth
“i hate this so much, bin”
he knows that sometimes physical contact helps bring you out of your mind
and so he’ll gently take your face in his hands and caress your cheeks with his thumbs
“it’s over, now. you did it, baby.”
he finds you so beautiful and often loses himself for a few moments because you’re such a special person and he hopes you know that you mean the world to him
if you want to talk about it, he’s got you
and the two of you will cuddle on the couch for as long as you need and talk or watch videos together or eat food
or sometimes you just want to be alone, and changbin will press a kiss to your forehead and let you recharge
and as soon as you’re ready to come out, he’s always got your favorite meal or takeout from your favorite restaurant
and the smile that crosses his face when he sees you makes everything feel just a little bit better
hyunjin doesn’t quite understand how you get so nervous, but he wants to help so bad.
he hates seeing you shut down, and it hurts him to witness the moments when you retreat back into your mind
because you’re such a beautiful soul, and he just knows the thoughts that rage through your head are anything but kind
hyunjin sees this happen on a daily basis, and each time he does, he wishes he could make it better.
today’s been especially bad, with zoom call after zoom call, and he can see the circles under your eyes and the exhaustion and terror written all across your face
he peels off a post-it note and gently sticks it onto your hand, out of view of the camera
“is this an important class?” it says.
you turn to him, indiscreetly nodding your head
hyunjin’s face falls. because if it wasn’t, he would all too quickly turn the video off your screen and let you fall into his arms, pulling you away from the laptop to cuddle and watch something to take your mind off it.
you’re just pushing yourself so much, and hyunjin knows you need to rest
but instead, he comes back a few minutes later, holding a plate of sliced fruit and vegetables arranged by color to look pretty and cute
and he slides that next to your laptop and comes back with a mug with your favorite warm drink
there’s a post-it on this, too. “i love you, and you’re doing great, okay? you’ve got this baby <3 <3 <3
it makes you tear up, a little.
after you’re finally done, you find hyunjin and hug him so tightly
hyunjin just gazes at you softly, nuzzling his nose against yours
“you did it, baby. you should be proud of yourself”
all you can do is hug hyunjin tighter as you start to tear up from relief, nerves, comfort, and hyunjin himself
jisung understands all too well the feeling of anxiety
and whenever he notices that you’re upset, even if he’s not feeling all too great, it’s like that anxiety loophole where all his anxiety goes away as soon as he realizes that you’re in pain
really, all jisung wants to do is comfort you and make sure you’re feeling as okay as possible -- everything else goes away, only you.
he gets it, really gets it, when you tell him in tears that you can’t take another discussion over video call which ends in you sitting in silence and regret for not saying anything
“people probably think i’m mean and dumb, jisung,” you choke out, “and i’m not! but i … i don’t even deserve to be there. they see right through me. i’m like, a fraud.”
jisung’s heart physically breaks at this, because you’re not. you’re really, really not. anything but.
“no, baby. you do deserve to be there. you said it yourself, you’re not dumb. you’re not mean. but you’re dealing with anxiety, baby, and that makes everything so much scarier.”
jisung also knows that nothing he says can make it better, but he also knows that you need to get out of your head.
he drapes a blanket around your shoulders and gently pulls you up from the couch, telling you that the two of you are going to explore
jisung drives around the city for a couple hours, and he gives you control over the aux and lets you listen to all your favorite songs -- but sometimes even that’s too much, so he’ll put on shuffle the playlist that the two of you have made together for nights just like this.
there’s always something calming about getting lost in the city for the night, watching the neon lights reflect against the windows as you lose yourself in the music and the dark and the feeling of drifting away from any sort of responsibility and tie to real life.
just you and jisung; the two of you against the world.
jisung does his best to help you forget when that’s what you need. he pulls into a drive through and orders an order of fries, cheerfully feeding them to you when you reach red stoplights. and then he stops at a boba place that’s empty and still open for another hour, or so, and comes back with both your favorite drinks. and then jisung is telling you stories about anything, everything
jisung makes you smile and laugh, and each time you do, the expression that crosses jisung’s face is full of such relief and love
and when you start making your own jokes and telling your own stories, a familiar light entering your eyes, jisung can’t look away and feels his heart mend back together
later, when the two of you come back home and collapse into bed, you tumble over and rest your head against jisung’s chest, feeling safe and loved when he presses his lips to your forehead and holds your hand
“do you think it’ll get better?” you whisper, finally ready to talk about what happened
jisung presses a tender kiss to your knuckles. “i know it will.”
trust me, felix knows all too well the exact regret you’re describing
when you tell him in hysterics about not being enough and not being able to be present even though you wanted to so bad -- he gets it.
you don’t even know how to describe it. you just couldn’t, and that made it so worse.
but felix just nodding and gazing at you with acceptance and understanding makes you feel so safe
because felix is always one thing with you when you’re upset and anxious, and that is gentle
but he also clearly sees the way you answer in short responses when he asks you about it, and how you look so uncomfortable
felix knows whenever he gets like this, he needs to get out of his head
so he takes your hand and guides you to the kitchen, smiling brightly at you
if you’re ever too overwhelmed, felix will do everything for you and come to your room to drop off a plate of dessert and check in and see how you’re doing
but if you’re okay with doing something, felix is that happiest boy ever
you welcome the distraction and help felix find all the mixing bowls, and he grabs the carton of milk while you grab the sugar from the cabinets
felix takes a finger of flour and smudges a small dot on your cheek
and you smile weakly and smudge a stripe against his cheek
every so often felix will rest his head on your shoulder and wrap his arms around your waist
he doesn’t bring up what happened earlier because he knows you hate thinking about it, but when you do finally decide to talk about how you feel, it’s usually while the two of you are waiting for dessert to come out the oven
and felix just listens patiently with genuine concern and focus and doesn’t interrupt you at all until you’re done
at times like this, felix really thinks about what to say
and when he does finally speak, it makes you feel so much better
like someone actually sees you and your struggles
but then he’ll do something like accidentally knock over the bowl of leftover egg white or accidentally catch his sleeve in a spill on the table
but it’s okay because you love him
and he really does manage to make everything feel just a little bit better
the silence was the first indication something was wrong.
because your relationship works on easy, witty jabs toward each other that always end in laughter and amusement, wildly chasing each other around the apartment and collapsing in cuddles and playful pokes on the shoulder
but this time, when seungmin teasingly mentions that the phone is your achilles heel after you ask him to order the take out, he’s met with stony silence, an unresponsive face, and then: “that’s not funny.”
seungmin’s face falls immediately. he knew something was wrong as soon as he noticed the blankness unfold on your expression, and he steps forward carefully, his eyes softening. “i’m sorry. that was mean of me.”
when you don’t reject to him coming closer, he steps toward you again, kneeling down to where you are and gazes at you with concerned eyes. “did it happen again?”
you finally look up at seungmin, the first trace of emotion peeking through the heavy mask as you nod. “it’s just so stressful.”
seungmin regards you carefully and nods, prompting you to keep going.
“i hate seeing myself on screen,” you mumble, laughing tonelessly in attempt to keep things casual. “i just smile and nod, and … i can’t read nonverbal signals, minnie. i don’t even know when i can talk --”
you stand up and start pacing back and forth, your hands scrunching up your face and pulling at your hair. “i don’t know why i feel like this, and i can’t stop thinking, seungmin, i hate it so much.”
but seungmin walks into your path and gently takes your hands in his, squeezing your palms gently. and then he tenderly opens your fists up, tracing little hearts on your palms and the pads of your fingertips.
“i wish i were like you,” you whisper.
“you already are,” seungmin says, instead. “everything i am, you’re that and more.”
seungmin gently squeezes your hands again, this time tracing circles against your knuckles. “i think if anyone’s capable here, it’s you. you’re fighting this thing every day, (y/n). even if you don’t see it, i see it. i see you, and you’re capable. more than.”
your mouth drops a little, and you stare at seungmin with wide eyes. and then, “what?”
seungmin just smiles, shaking his head. “what?”
“i’m sorry i got mad at you.”
seungmin shakes his head, letting your hands drop as he pulls you into a hug. “don’t be.”
“i liked that thing you did with my hands,” you murmur into his shoulder, “it helps me not think.”
and this time seungmin presses kisses to your fingers
and he’s just so gentle with you
afterwards when you stop shaking, seungmin doesn’t forget that you still need to eat, so he orders takeout, or you do if you want to try and he’ll hold your hand and just be there, and then the two of you will watch something on his laptop and then finally fall asleep together at the table
“isn’t your class starting now?” jeongin mumbles with a sleepy voice, rubbing his eyes and placing a mug of your favorite drink next to your hand
you just shrug, mouse hovered over the link to take you into zoom call
jeongin furrows his face, then blinks. he does a sort of double take, eyes flickering from the time (he knows your schedule by now), the hesitation of your expression, the clear tension in your shoulders and the slight tremor of your fingers.
“oh,” jeongin’s voice whispers.
he takes a seat at the table beside you, eyes relenting, a concerned expression encasing his mannerisms. “it’s okay to be scared, (y/n)”
you swallow, not quite trusting yourself to speak, your throat already tight and unstable
“(y/n) … if you’re not feeling good we can call in sick and tackle it tomorrow. you don’t have to do it today if it’s too much.”
you shake your head. “no,” and then, biting your lip, “i just … don’t want to join, innie. what if he calls on me? and i won’t know the answer, and everyone will laugh. and he’ll make fun of me.”
“that’s so mean,” jeongin says affronted, his eyes wide and then he pouts. “he’d do that to you?”
you nod, arms wrapping around yourself, and jeongin is already awake, eyes wide and you can already tell he’s trying to think of a solution where everything’s okay
“if he does that,” jeongin says, quietly, “then we’ll leave the meeting.”
you crack a half smile. “i can’t do that.”
“i’ll unplug the router,” jeongin pouts.
you sigh, smushing your hands against your face, all too aware of your heart beating so loudly in your ears and the shallowness of your breath.
“(y/n)? oh no, (y/n), baby --”
he’s not one for pet names, but this time it just slips out and it makes things stop for a second
“i’m going to grab your hand, okay? and i’m going to start counting and we’re going to breathe. is that okay?”
you nod after a few seconds, and jeongin reaches for your hand, placing your palm against his chest. and then he starts counting to ten, in a reassuring voice. “just concentrate on breathing. just focus on me.”
jeongin closes the laptop and pushes it away from you. “what do you need?”
“i … i just need a few minutes.”
jeongin nods, then reaches for your hand clasping it in his and squeezing gently. “i’ll be here.”
when you regain your breath and think you’re a little okay, you turn and drag the laptop over, mouse hovering over the link
jeongin just smiles at you softly, eyes still blinky and exhausted from sleep. he rests his head against the table, and you can tell he’s trying to stay awake, but it’s just so early and he starts drifting off to sleep
but there’s something in the comfort jeongin brings by just being there, and with your heart beating loudly in your chest, you click the link and are brought to the loading screen: host will let you in momentarily
jeongin stirs and squeezes your hand again, slightly more awake, now. “you got this”
he smiles genuinely, and it makes your heart warm. “squeeze my hand if it gets bad in there, okay?”
you shake your head, but jeongin wakes up further at this, slightly alarmed. “you won’t bother me, i promise! and when you’re done we can go pick up an order at the pastry shop down the street, okay?”
you smile at jeongin. “okay.”
and you’re going to hold him to that.
