Conversation with myself: the fence-sitter
Do I have the right to bring a new life into this fucked up world?
If I do my job right, there will be one more good person in the world. Therefore, the world will be a little less fucked up.
I may very well fuck the kid up.
It is not that easy to fuck a kid up. My mother was not perfect, and yet she raised two decent human beings. Besides, there is no way in hell I could be any worse than the mothers described on Reddit.
I am an introvert. I need my own space. I need time to be just by myself. For the longest time, my mother had no life outside of raising my brother and me.
It won't be long before the kid goes to preschool, then school. I won't be with them 24/7.
I will have to get them ready for school. I will have to get up early every morning, which I hate.
I will be wasting less time than I do right now, which is a good thing. I do feel a little guilty when I sleep in late.
I don't drive. I know I never will.
My mother didn't drive until I was like 8. Before that, we walked or took the bus.
Public transport exists for a reason and it's much more advanced now than it was back then. I will be fine.
What if my kid's preferred school is far away? Worse yet, in the exact opposite direction to my place of employment?
A high school aged kid can travel alone. I started traveling alone at around 11 years old. As for my job, it can be done remotely. I also know my workplace is supportive of parents. I will be able to adjust my working hours if need be.
For my kid to do anything independently, I will have to teach them first. I am not a teacher. I don't like taking charge. I am a follower, not a leader.
However, I know what it feels like to be weak. I know what it feels like to be incompetent. Perhaps those qualities will be enough to guide my kid. Isn't an empathetic parent better than a bossy parent?
I don't know. There are times a parent has to put the foot down. Will I be able to do that?
I don't know. Nobody knows. Nobody jumps into parenthood knowing what to do. It's one of those things you can only learn by doing.
Do I have the moral right to create a new life only for it to become my test subject?
Isn't that what all parents do?
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I won't be making my decision just yet. But I am slowly getting there.
