#fenn rambles

[fennthetalkingdog]

Tumblr spamming billford and billfiddlesford has singlehandedly gotten me to finally watch Gravity Falls and I can't even be mad lol

[fenncat-vocarambles]

Are we just not gonna talk about how Hitorie released new covers of Worlds End Dancehall and Tenohira. Can we talk about them. Please

Okay so I genuinely love what they’ve done with Worlds End Dancehall, it captures the energy and feel PERFECTLY while adding to it to make it feel more cohesive. Genuinely immaculate. I guess I miss the Miku Luka duet aspect of the original, but I think Shinoda sings it so well. Gonna be honest, I think I might like this as much if not more than the original—nothing can replace the original for me emotionally, but musically I reeeaaally like this arrangement. Maybe if someone made a Miku Luka cover with this arrangement…

I love that we basically have FOUR Tenohiras now. I like this cover too, like with World’s End they keep the feel while making it more cohesive, but this one doesn’t hit the same way the other does—I definitely prefer Unhappy Refrain’s Tenohira (or Tenohira 3, if you will) to this one. This cover is done really well, but there’s just something missing in it for me. I think it’s the instrumental breaks, they changed/removed a few of the melodies in the instrumentals and I miss it. And, I think Miku sounds better in this song (sorry Shinoda). Though if I were to rank all the versions of Tenohira we got, I would still rank this second!! (In case anyone was wondering, I then rank Monochrome Disk Tenohira 3rd with World 0123456789 Tenohira remake in a very, very close 4th). All in all, very good cover, doesn’t live up to the Unhappy Refrain version as well as the World’s End cover does (it still gets pretty close though, I do also love this cover)!

So yeah I’ve been freaking out this weekend, banger way to spend Thanksgiving! I cannot believe I haven’t seen much talk surrounding these I’ve been bouncing off the walls listening to them on loop this break (daybreak seeker is also amazing, everyone listen to it now PLEASE)

[fennthetalkingdog]

I think it's kinda fascinating how my neurodivergence plays a role in me seeing myself as nonhuman (and honestly, in my self-image in general). Like, I'm trans, but my first clue was that I'd rather live without my boobs, and even now my trans goals are more physically oriented than not. Yes I am a nonbinary boy, but if I had to, I'd rather have people still call me a girl and physically transition than have people call me what I want and have my body unchanged. Some of the reason why I use the label in the first place is for other people's benefit; I don't care if it perfectly fits, I just wanna change my physical body, and if I have to be trans for others to accept that then I will. (Now, I've gotten to like being called a boy, but that took a little bit and wasn't entirely connected to my wish to physically transition.) I've looked in the mirror all my life and been surprised at what I see, but I don't think it's the cause of anything else going on with me. I think my disconnection with my physical image deals more with my struggle to see how others perceive me (something that comes from my probably autism more than anything else) and my nonhumanity and transness came from that instead of the other way around. And because of that, I'm more of the mindset to change my body because it's fun to mess with since I likely will never look in the mirror and see myself, no matter what I heard trans people say when I was first questioning (and boy did that confuse me for a while).

My self-image isn't attached to my physical image, for good and for bad, so it's easier for me to be trans or nonhuman since one is just a physical change to make my life easier and the other is just a difference in self-image. And I think that's kinda cool.

[fennthetalkingdog]

I have somehow gotten to whatever language level means everyone else should understand this shit too. I've been reading Spanish daily at this point (all my devices are in Spanish, I read manga in Spanish for fun) and whenever I see something in Spanish, if the words are stuff I know I automatically start reading it. It's gotten to the point though that I keep forgetting other folks can't understand it. Like, what do you mean you can't read the instructions on my phone?? There's just a Spanish layer over English words, why can't you see the words??? And I keep forgetting my stuff is all in Spanish, so I'll ask folks to put their number in my phone or I'll be moving through the files on my computer in front of my class groupmates and folks will mention how they can't read it or ask if I understand it and I just. I have to stop and process and realize again, ohhh right. Whoopse daisy.

I have so many funny stories from this too, like from when my dad tried to put the family VPN on my phone but he couldn't install it (since he couldn't read anything on the playstore) or put in the password (because I had to flip through intro screens all in Spanish first). Or like how I have to live translate my Youtube recaps whenever I show them to my friends. One of my friends is just so tired of me that whenever my automated missed-call messages come in (in Spanish, of course), he just tells me to speak American LOL.

[fennthetalkingdog]

I feel like a dog that's been hanging around with housecats so long that I've grown up acting like them. I've always been a dog, and so I still have some of my own body language, but I've adopted so much catness that it feels almost just as much an intrinsic part of me. I still wag my tail according to dog rules, but I know when to switch; I slow blink to show my affection too; I've spent so long making myself small that I almost don't know how to accommodate my lanky body. In regards to my humanness, I draw cats better than I draw dogs; I've spent so much time in the Warrior cats fandom making characters and Clans and learning cat anatomy that when I try to draw a dog, my pencil makes them look short and fluffy with short legs and round stomachs. I can barely draw a dog from the side and have it look like one. I'm not just a dog—I identify almost as much with cats as I do with dogs. But I still am one. My jaws look a bit too big and my legs a bit too long. When I move without trying, I'm a bit too fast and graceless. I've spent my life hanging around cats, and it shows, but my dogness is just as undeniable.

I have a similar feeling about my humanness. Disregarding the fact that humanity has perks that I like too, I've just spent so long in this form that it's just as strong a part of me. I want to show my dogness, but not if it involves me throwing away my humanity. I can play with the other dogs, but at the end of the day, I stand back on two legs and go home to type on the computer and eat with a fork and spoon. I wouldn't throw away my grandmas' cooking, my lofted bed, or my bracelets and anklets. I wouldn't throw away all the memories I've made as a "human." So even when I'm not all human now, I don't want to leave that all behind.

[fennthetalkingdog]

I'm just figuring out how important music is in my life! This is coming from a long while trying to cut down on my music use, mostly because I was listening to it so much that it felt more like I couldn't do anything without popping in some earbuds, and partially because of other personal reasons. Some of my routines changed, forcing me to not listen to music while doing certain things, and it ended up becoming that besides working on homework or drawing, I didn't listen to music at all. But I've given myself a break today since I have nothing to do and since, for reasons, I'm feeling just a lil crappy today—and boy, I'm starting to realize again just why I love music!!

I love the diverse music taste I've developed over the years! My family is not only big about music but big about listening to it loud, so the majority of my music taste for most of my life has just been Christian hiphop (Lecrae, KB, Andy Mineo, Trip Lee, and ironically Tonex, whose album where he was struggling hard with his gayness has been my favorite concert movie since I was 5) and gospel music (Kirk Franklin, Tye Tribbett, etc.). And music was one of the few connections between me and my race (I grew up feeling pretty estranged from my blackness as a kid, but the popular songs they played at the YMCA in the 2010s were some of the few things I could use to feel more connected) and between me and my classmates/friends at the Y (I still have fond memories of playing FNAF songs in mat forts and reciting lyrics at pool parties). But I got tired of knowing I could never bond with anyone besides family friends music taste-wise when I was in high school, and so I started listening to secular music on my own time. And that's how I first found Ghost and Pals, a vocaloid artist and one of the first secular music folks I listened to as a kid (can you smell the religious trauma yet? Lol), and that's how I bonded with one of my best friends in early college (ironically, also my first time being publically queer). Now I listen to Kpop, anime songs, songs from warriors MAPs, songs from musicals (Hamilton and In the Heights <3), latin songs, metal songs, and even some secular songs young me would've been too scared to listen to.

And music has always been one of my biggest sources of stimming! I can't dance to save my life, but music will sure get me to flick my fingers and hit my fist against my shoulder furiously. Music was one of the first clues that I like stimming with vibration too (since I love laying against the car door and turning up the music loud enough to feel the world shake around me). And music was one of the first things that made me look into ADHD or autism (specifically, listening to Ghost and Pals songs for a month straight and getting my friend at early college [who also has ADHD] to start looking at me funny when I was discovered doing chores and listening to one of three songs for the fifth time). Music is so cool it'll get me to wax poetically. It was one of the things that kept me together during my roughest times and soothed me during my best. I listen to it while I write, while I cry, while I hang out with my friends and family and while I chill by myself. It's how I relax after a long day, and it's how I feel safe. I feel kinda emotional finally having music hit that spot in me without feeling like I need it to do stuff.

[fennthetalkingdog]

Being someone who was aroace until they figured out they were trans is so weird because I'll start complaining about amatonormativity and how I as an aroace person am inconvenienced and then I have to stop my train of thought and remind myself I'm bi, not aroace anymore xD

[fennthetalkingdog]

The current vibe: Forcing myself not to wear my new collar to bed so it won't break, lol