[[A/N: it's time for my first real published piece in...a long time. Spawned from conversations on the ol' discord, here's some adorable Kid Eruri for you all.
Content warnings: some mention of blood, death. Some child abuse?? (i.e. Kenny is not nice to Baby Levi).
Gee and Milk, I hope this is everything you were hoping for!]]
Levi shielded his eyes from the bright shine of the sun as he neared the top of the stairs. His legs screamed from the long climb; he’d had to keep up with Kenny’s long stride and Levi, still small for his age, had to practically jog to stay close behind.
“Couldn’t we have taken the trolley up?” Levi had muttered early on in the climb, back before the shock of the sun’s light had started to swallow up the darkness.
“It’s enough of a cost to get you up here at all for the time I need ya,” Kenny had said after a smack to the face. “You wanna come up to the Surface and help me with this or what? I can just push you back down the damn steps if you wanna stay down there.”
Levi didn’t argue after that; he just rushed to keep up as fast as his legs could carry him.
Now, as he emerged into the sunlight, Levi could understand a little why people paid the high price to come up here, even for a few days. The air was fresh; the stink of sewage far behind them, and the warm rays of late morning sun quickly dried the chronic dampness that lingered on his skin. Letting his eyes adjust, he gazed around him as people bustled through their lives, unseeing of him or Kenny emerging from the stairs. They wore real clothes; clean and in bright colours instead of the drab browns, greys, and blacks he was used to. Shades of blue and green, red and purple, soft pinks and sunny yellows swirled around him as he took in the sight.
A smack to the back of his head brought him out of his daze. He looked up to see Kenny frowning at him, but with some distant look that seemed almost like sadness, in his eyes.
“Keep moving, Runt,” Kenny grumbled as he stepped towards the street.
Levi scrambled after him, trying not to lose focus as he saw tall statues with brown pillars and green crowns that fluttered in the breeze. Smaller statuettes with green stalks and brightly coloured heads delicately danced in the sun. Levi wondered what the monuments celebrated that there were so many.
Across the street, Kenny hired a carriage, and Levi got his first up-close look of a horse. The large, terrifying animal – so much bigger than the mules he was used to – rippled with muscle as it strode next to him and Kenny, and Levi was struck with a desire to both touch it and run far away. Before he could make up his mind, Kenny picked him up around his middle and muscled him into the carriage and slammed the door shut. They began to move, the gentle grind of the wheels on stone, dirt, and dust replacing much of the noise from outside.
Levi tried not to get distracted by the world passing by the window of the carriage, but it was hard not to. Whole families – at least, he assumed they were families – walked together down stone-paved pathways. Market stalls were full of fruits and vegetables and something long and shiny with eyes but no legs. He wondered what those fruits tasted like. The only one he ever remembered eating was a watermelon, split with his mother one time. It had been an absolute delicacy at the time, though he now knows that it was likely half rotten, like most things are in the Underground.
Some minutes into his reverie, he felt a kick from Kenny, startling his gaze from the window.
“Stop gawkin’ and pay attention. We gotta go over the details of the job.” Kenny held a stack of papers in his hand and flipped one over to show to Levi. It contained a bunch of scrawled figures on the bottom, squashed beneath a drawing of a man with glasses. “This is the target.”
Over the next couple of hours in the carriage, Levi learned about the job Kenny needed his help with. The man in the drawing was a teacher in a small city near the Capital, and the rumour was that he was in possession of some knowledge the King didn’t want getting out. It was Kenny’s job to make sure this man didn’t spread this knowledge around to people, since it could cause a lot of problems, not just for the King, but for everyone in the Walls. Before Kenny could act, though, he needed proof, and that was where Levi came in.
Levi would enroll in the school the man taught at and try to get information from him. The man had a son, just a couple years older than Levi, and Levi would be in his class. If he could get the proof through the son, that worked too.
“The grade he teaches is mostly ten year-olds, so you’re going to have to pretend you’re the same age,” Kenny commented. “You’re a bit small even for your own age, but maybe they’ll just figure you’re a runt.”
Levi bristled at the jab at his size, but he fought the urge to respond. He knew what would happen if he did.
“We’ll have to get you some clothes and a bath before the class starts in a couple of days,” Kenny went on. “You can’t go in wearing shit from the Underground. How’s your reading and writing?”
Levi’s shoulders hiked up to his ears and he looked to the floor of the carriage.
Kenny frowned at him for a long time, and Levi thought he would get hit again, but the blow never came. Glancing back up, he saw Kenny just shrug and go back to the papers.
“Well shit. Guess Kuchel didn’t exactly have the chance to teach you. And it ain’t like they got schools down there. Shouldn’t be surprised.”
Finally, Levi asked about the monuments out in front of the stairs when they emerged from the Underground. Kenny stared at him, wide-eyed for a long moment before he scoffed.
“Those were trees and flowers, dumbass.”
Slowly, Levi relaxed and glanced back out the window, waiting for something more. It never came.
Levi had dozed off on the seat of the carriage by the time they reached their destination; a tiny house on the outskirts of a small city. The sun was edging towards the west, which he later learned meant it was setting. Kenny nudged him with his foot to wake him, then guided him into the house.
It was barely more than a bedroom, a kitchen, and a bathroom, and it was in the latter room that Kenny shuttled him into. He ran a hot bath and instructed Levi to get clean. Kenny shut the door, leaving Levi alone with the steaming water, a bar of soap, and a glass bottle of something Levi couldn’t identify. Whatever it was, it smelled really nice.
Levi had never had a bath so warm before, and it took a lot of concentration not to sink completely into it in a sleepy stupor. He found the bar of soap to be more than the hard, somewhat rancid smelling bar of animal fat he was used to; this one smelled pretty, and reminded him a little of his Ma. He soaped up his hair and then dunked his head under to rinse it clean before scrubbing down his body. When was the last time he had been able to afford a bath? Maybe a week or so before Kenny came for him, and that bath hadn’t been nearly as nice as this one.
When he got out and toweled himself off, he realized that there weren't any clothes for him to wear; Kenny had taken his when he’d walked out of the room. Levi looked in the cabinets and stood on the tips of his toes to check a shelf, but couldn’t find anything. He wrapped the towel around himself and cracked the door open.
“Hey, Kenny?” Levi whispered. “Where are my clothes?”
He was answered by silence. Levi slowly stepped out of the bathroom and into the house, looking around, only to find himself alone. There weren’t any clothes for him in the rest of the house, either. Left without guidance or direction and nothing to wear, Levi made himself a little nest on the floor from the blankets and pillows on the bed and wrapped himself in another blanket he found in a closet and went back to sleep.
He was awakened some time later by Kenny’s boot in his stomach.
“Hey, Runt, who said you could dirty up my bedclothes, huh?”
“I’m clean, so I’m not dirtying anything,” Levi groused as he rubbed his eyes. “Besides, you left me alone and I didn’t know what else to do.”
Kenny grunted in frustration before tossing down a pile of clothes in his lap.
“Get dressed and come to the kitchen. I’ve got your kit ready.”
Levi slipped into the outfit Kenny gave him, made of the softest fabric he’d ever touched, and looked over at a mirror in the corner of the room. A dark blue hooded jacket hung loose over a short-sleeved shirt – just a size too large. Light coloured trousers fit well enough after he rolled the hems up slightly, and dark brown loafers made of real leather made him look like a regular person from the Surface. He wondered how much he could sell those loafers for back home.
Back in the kitchen, Kenny was stuffing some items into a pack. Levi saw his knife, the one Kenny had given him after he found him, on the kitchen table. He reached for it, but Kenny slid it out of his grasp.
“Uh-uh,” Kenny said. “It’s too big. You can’t go walking into a posh Aboveground school with that.”
“Here.” Kenny held out a small fold-out knife, no thicker than Levi’s first and middle fingers put together. “It’s easier to fit into your pocket. Later I’ll teach you how to sew it into the lining of your trousers.”
Levi unfolded the knife and looked at the blade. It was certainly sharp, obviously recently cleaned, the metal adequately tempered. But something this small…could he really win a fight with it if he had to? He slipped it into his pocket and waited as Kenny finished stuffing the pack.
“Take the bag. I’m going to bring you to where you’re going to stay.” Kenny turned around and walked to the front door.
“I’m not staying here?” Levi asked, grabbing the bag and rushing after him.
“No. I can’t have anyone thinking we’re linked. My face is… well, let’s just say it’s recognizable okay? And if this job is going to be a secret, people can’t know you’re working with me.”
“How will you know if I’m doing it right?”
Kenny started down a long dirt path into the forest, Levi walking a few paces behind him.
“I’ll come to you to check in. Understand? Do not come find me. I will come to you.”
“Repeat it.” Kenny pointed at him, a grave look on his face.
“I will not come find you. You will come to me.”
They walked down the path until they came to a small clearing near the edge of the forest, just barely hidden in the trees. Once there, Kenny made him drop the pack and pulled a big cloth out of it, followed by metal poles. He set it up and stuffed a pillow and bedroll and blanket inside.
“This is a tent. It’s where you’ll be sleeping,” Kenny said when it was done.
“I’m not living in a house?” Levi asked, frowning. He had hoped that his living situation was going to be at least a little better than it was Underground.
“Do I look rich enough to afford a separate house for you for a few months?” Kenny spat. “Just be glad I’m giving you a roof at all. I could have just dumped you out here with nothing.”
Levi frowned, biting back his anger and the small prickle of tears at his eyes. He knew what crying in front of Kenny got him.
“Good. Now, do you know how to start a fire?”
“Here’s some flint.” Kenny threw a piece onto the ground and gestured around to the forest. “Burn whatever you can find around here. There’s a stream nearby where you can bathe and wash your clothes. Soap’s in your pack. There’s a quill and ink and paper for the school, and some money. That money has to last you the week, so spend it wisely. It’s for whatever food you don’t catch, got it?”
Levi nodded. He wondered if he could manage to hide some of the money instead of using it, so he’d have something for when he had to go back Underground.
Kenny leaned down to the pack and took out a piece of paper and showed it to him.
“This is the path you take to get to the school, alright? It’s right in the center of the city. You can buy your food there, too. And listen, if anyone spots you out here, you tell them you’re camping with your dad, and you’re waiting for him to come back.”
“School starts the day after tomorrow. Go into town tomorrow morning, get familiar. You can’t be looking like a tourist when you go to the school on the first day. You get in there, you tell them you’re in Mr. Smith’s class. Everything else is arranged for you to start.”
Kenny made him repeat everything back, correcting him with a smack to the head whenever he messed up. Finally, when he could repeat it back perfectly, Kenny handed him a small bag with a sandwich and a roasted potato, now cold.
“That’s your dinner. After this, everything’s up to you. Last thing.” Kenny reached into his pocket and handed Levi a small, dark red ribbon. “If you get the information, either from the dad or the son, you hang this on the tallest tree branch you can reach over by the river. I’ll walk by every night and if I see it, I’ll know.”
Levi stuffed the ribbon into his pocket and nodded. He watched as Kenny walked back along the path he had come. When he was out of sight, Levi tore open the bag and ate, realizing he hadn’t eaten all day.
Sleeping on the street in the Underground, one gets used to the constant noise of people; fighting, laughing, dying. Sometimes dogs bark, but the most prominent noise through all of it is the sound of water dripping. From grates above, from roofs that have been dripped on from the rock and soil, from piping. Out in the open forest Aboveground, the noises are very different.
When Levi laid down on his bedroll that first night, he struggled to fall asleep through the sound of insects chirping, birds cooing, and animals rustling near his tent. When he finally fell asleep, he was plagued by nightmares of monstrous creatures pawing at his tent to get to him, or of people finding him there and accusing him of something terrible, digging a hole in the earth to send him back to the Underground.
Waking just as the sun began to peek above the distant hills, Levi shivered under his blanket and blinked into the hazy morning. He watched small animals rustle about in the clearing he was in; he saw them dig into the ground or pull things out of the trees, seemingly heedless of his presence. He wasn’t sure which of them were actually edible, but that never really stopped him before, had it? Still, he didn’t know how to catch animals up here. Would they be as cunning and careful as the rats he’d learned to snatch with a practiced strike as they nibbled on a bit of moldy food? Hopefully, at least, they didn’t bite like the rats did.
Levi gathered some sticks and found that, despite being damp from the morning dew, they took a spark better than any of the wood he’d ever been able to scrounge up Underground. The small fire warmed him as a morning mist rolled down the hills, over the nearby river, and through his camp, carrying the last of the night’s chill with it.
He was careful to keep his fire small, but found that the sound and smell of the flames kept animals away, so he resigned himself to an empty stomach for the morning. A small growl from within protested, and he quickly stamped down the hunger so he could focus.
He had to go into the city today. That was what Kenny said. Maybe whilst he was there, he could steal something from a stall. He was a good thief, he knew that. Even in a place where everyone suspected everyone else, few thought Levi was stuffing his pockets full of bread. He figured it should be as easy as taking a piss to lift something in a place where they had plenty of food.
With the sun climbing higher and the heat of the day creeping under the shade of the trees, Levi stamped out his fire and covered the coals with dirt before stuffing some money into his pocket and setting out along the small trail leading into town. Along the way, he thought about his job. How would he even know what information was forbidden and what wasn’t? It wasn’t as though he had been told much about the world he lived in. There was never a need to know, not when surviving to the next day was the most important thing as soon as you woke up. That assumed, of course, that you did wake up.
Still, he knew some little things, from listening to adults talk. He listed them off, counting on his fingers, as he walked. Humanity lived within the Walls. It had been that way for a really long time. Outside the Walls were Titans. There were no humans beyond the Walls; just Titans. That was just four things, which meant there were a lot of things about the world he didn’t know. Hell, he only learned about trees yesterday – how was he supposed to figure out the forbidden thing this teacher supposedly knew?
Kenny had told Levi that he could make money for this job, and he wanted that money. With money, he could buy some real food for a while, or some better clothes for when the winter came. He knew he wouldn’t be allowed to keep his Surface clothes when he had to go back. It wouldn’t matter if he could keep them, they’d likely all get stolen anyway. He might manage to keep the shoes long enough to sell those, but he’d probably have to use that money to buy new shoes, since Kenny probably threw out or burned his other ones.
As the first buildings of the city emerged into view through another grove of trees, Levi had a wild thought: what if he disappeared? What if he took the money Kenny had given him and just ran away, right here and now? He could find another city or a town or somewhere and find a way to live there. He didn’t have any papers saying he lived up here, but Levi didn’t have any papers at all; no record of his birth, of Ma. He could just say his parents died and he was living on his own, which wasn’t even a lie. Maybe someone would take him in.
The idea tried to grow inside of Levi, placing roots in the fallow soil of his mind. He didn’t owe Kenny anything, not anymore. Sure, Kenny had found him after Ma died, but he didn’t even know how he knew Ma. For all he knew, Kenny had a hand in whatever killed her. Still, Levi knew nothing about living on the Surface, and he wasn’t confident he could figure it out in time to effectively hide from Kenny.
The idea itself was attractive though, and Levi began to imagine where he would go and what animals he could learn to catch. He imagined a family finding him in the woods somewhere and taking him in and the mom singing to him the way Ma had before she got sick. He’d have a home to go back to and food to eat every day, and maybe he could be something more than a thief coated in grime.
Levi was so distracted by his fantasy that he didn’t see the boy until he bumped into him and was knocked to the ground. Instinct rushed through his veins and Levi jumped to his feet, tore his knife from his pocket and faced down the enemy, but he was surprised by what he saw. His so-called adversary was maybe a couple of years older than him and somewhat taller. Neatly combed hair and thick eyebrows settled onto an earnest face, but what caught Levi’s gaze most were his eyes; intensely blue, seeming to pierce into Levi as they stared each other down.
Slowly, the other boy raised his hands in surrender, a small and nervous smile tipping the edge of his lips slightly.
“Sorry, that was my fault,” the boy said. “I admit, I wasn’t looking where I was going.”
Levi glanced quickly at the ground; a few books and some papers were scattered on the stone walkway at his feet. He slowly stood straight, flipping the knife closed and stuffing it back into his pocket. The boys stared at each other for a long, quiet moment before Levi scoffed and tore his gaze away.
“Well, watch where you're going, Eyebrows,” Levi muttered as he spun away from the boy and walked away as fast as his legs could carry him.
At his camp later that night, Levi recalled that boy, seeing his eyes dancing in the flame of his campfire. He ate a small dinner of two steamed potatoes he bought and a piece of bread that he stole. He was right; stealing food up here was easy. Maybe he could try some of the fruit he saw at the market stalls after all.
Still, there was something about that boy that bothered Levi. Maybe it was the intensity of his stare, or just the colour of his eyes. Levi had never seen eyes so blue before. His own, he knew, were grey with some blue, making them similar to the colour of silver coins, but darker. His eyes were Ma’s eyes; she’d always said she was glad he looked so much like her. Silver eyes like theirs, she used to say, meant that The Moon shined for them. Sometimes, she would take him to a secret spot where they could see the sky through a big hole in the earth, and she would tell him about the stars and how they formed shapes to tell stories with.
That boy’s eyes, though, made him think of the cloudless sky and of the sun. He couldn’t really explain why, but those eyes made him think of just one word: freedom.
“I’m the new kid in Mr. Smith’s class,” Levi said to the man at the door of the school. He held his pack at his shoulder, stuffed with his money, the paper, quill, and ink, and the bread and apple he’d stolen on the walk over.
“Ah yes, of course,” said the man, scratching at his beard.
The man led Levi down a hallway and rapped on the glass of a door with his knuckles. After a short nod, the man opened the door and ushered Levi in and then shut it again behind him.
Levi quickly surveyed the room, noting the position of the windows, the location of the empty desk he figured would be his, the students and – there he was again, that boy from yesterday. Those thick eyebrows raised slightly and the blue eyes widened, capturing Levi within them again. Slowly, discreetly, the boy quirked one side of his mouth up and raised his hand very slightly in greeting.
Levi felt his face fill with heat as he walked to the center of the room where the teacher was gesturing to him.
“Welcome to the class,” the teacher said. “I’m Mr. Smith, and I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say we’re happy to have you with us.”
Silence sat heavily in the room as the students shifted in their seats. The blue-eyed boy stared straight into Levi’s face, never breaking eye contact.
“Why don’t you tell us your name?” Mr. Smith encouraged.
Levi crossed his arms and frowned.
Mr. Smith waited a beat before leaning down with a small smile.
Levi felt a pang of embarrassment. Was he supposed to have another name? Ma had never told him that he had one. Kenny never said he had one of his own, he was “Just Kenny.” He realized suddenly that Smith was the teacher’s last name, and he had another one in front of that. He knew it wasn’t ‘Mister;’ he understood that to be a title. He frowned, trying to think something up, but couldn’t force anything to the front of his mind.
“It’s just Levi,” he said, as firmly as he could. Saying it reminded him of the day Kenny found him, of how hungry he’d been that day and of the last look he’d ever gotten of Ma. He forced the thoughts back down into his stomach.
“Well, Levi, it’s very nice to meet you,” Mr. Smith said. “There’s an empty desk over by the window. You can go ahead and sit there. I’ll help you get your books together at the end of the day.”
Levi sat at the spot he was told and forced himself not to look in the direction of the boy from yesterday, who stared at him for a long moment before turning his attention back to the class. Throughout the day, Levi learned what school was like: the teacher went over information and then asked questions and students answered them. They were preparing for some kind of test at the end of the year. Thankfully for Levi, he would not be there long enough for that test.
In the middle of the day, the class adjourned for lunch, and everyone went outside into the warm sun. Levi found a spot under a tree that was suitably away from the other students so that he could think. He took the apple and bread from his pack and started to eat.
Startled, Levi looked up and found the blue-eyed boy standing over him with his pack and a book in his arms. His face was blank, betraying nothing of his motives. Levi nodded, but didn’t move. The boy sat down and plopped his pack on the ground, pulling out a sandwich. Levi tried not to stare at it as he picked at his bread.
“I’m Erwin, by the way,” the boy said, holding out a hand. Levi stared at it, not sure what to do, until Erwin dropped it with a small laugh. “You’re not from around here, huh?”
“We just don’t do…whatever that is where I was before,” Levi said, hoping his voice didn’t betray the sudden panic he was feeling. What if this kid figured out what he was doing here, or that he didn’t belong on the Surface? What would happen to him? Could he even figure all that out with just that one sentence?
“You don’t shake hands?” Erwin asked. “What do you do, then?”
Levi thought about the adults in the Underground, and couldn’t think of anything they did that seemed similar to what Erwin had tried to do. He shrugged.
“Well here, I’ll show you,” Erwin said. “Hold out your hand like this.”
Erwin put his hand back out and Levi stuck his out. Then Erwin grabbed it and moved it up and down a few times before letting go.
“It’s called a handshake. It’s a greeting.”
Levi looked at his hand and felt warmth racing from his fingertips to his brain. How long had it been since he’d had any physical contact with a person that wasn’t during a fight or a smack or kick from Kenny? He tried to shake the feeling from his nerves by focusing back on his piece of bread.
“Is that all you have for lunch?” Erwin asked after a small silence.
Levi shrugged, biting into his bread to avoid answering.
“Here, you can have half of my sandwich, if you want it.”
Erwin held out the half towards Levi. It seemed to contain some kind of meat and vegetables, green and red. Slowly, he reached out and accepted the piece and gingerly bit into it. He was hit with the flavour of the meat, strong and fresh, and the crunch of the vegetables surprised him. Realizing how hungry he was after that first bite, he stuffed the rest into his mouth as quickly as he could. Even with just that half, he felt more full than he had ever felt in his life. He looked forward, eyes unfocused, realizing suddenly how little he’d eaten over the years. Did people up here really eat so much every day?
“Can I ask why you only have an apple and some bread for lunch when you’re clearly very hungry?” Erwin asked, interrupting Levi’s thoughts.
What could Levi say? He couldn’t tell him that there were whole days he didn’t have anything to eat. That sometimes he couldn’t find, steal, or buy any food for two or three days at a time, and he would drink as much water as he could, tainted though it was, to stop the hunger pangs from keeping him awake at night. Clearly, Erwin didn’t have any experience of knowledge of something like this: surely he had never gone hungry like Levi had.
“It’s just what I have,” Levi grumbled, trying to use pure willpower to prevent his face from heating up and turning red.
Erwin considered him silently for a long moment before biting into his portion of the sandwich. The boys ate quietly for a long time, before Erwin spoke again.
“You don’t have a lot of food at home. You’re probably hungry a lot, huh?”
Levi almost choked on the piece of apple in his mouth at the assertion. He glared at the boy next to him.
“What the hell would you know?”
“You’re small for being my age and really skinny, too,” Erwin said plainly. “And if that was from you just being small, you’d be eating a normal-sized meal. You wouldn’t have eaten that bit of sandwich like it was the best meal you’ve had in years.”
Levi stared at him, mouth hanging open. He knew his face really was red now, and every nerve in his body was telling him to get up and run. This kid was too smart if he could figure out this much about him just from offering a portion of his lunch. What else did he already know about Levi?
“Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell anyone,” Erwin said. “But I can bring you lunch from now on, if you want.”
Levi thought about that. It could be an opportunity to save what little money Kenny gave him, so he maybe could bring it back with him. And if he didn’t have to steal food every single day, he lowered his risk of getting caught.
“Yeah, sure,” Levi mumbled.
Erwin didn’t respond except to smile at him warmly.
When class let out at the end of the day, Erwin bid Levi goodbye as he walked out, and Mr. Smith set out some books and papers on his desk.
“It’s nice to see Erwin making friends,” Mr. Smith commented with a smile.
Levi gave him a questioning look but said nothing.
“He’s always reading and sometimes he gets teased for it,” Mr. Smith elaborated. “Always looking for more knowledge and not so much for companionship, so it’s good that he’s reaching out and making an effort to be friends.”
“Oh,” Levi said. He wouldn’t have guessed someone as apparently open and talkative as Erwin to be closed off and teased by his peers.
“Well, no need to dwell on it,” Mr. Smith said. “Here are your books. I’ve added some of the exercises we were going over today; I’d like to gauge your current knowledge and education level so that I can help you catch up if it’s needed.”
When he was dismissed, Levi walked out into the sunlight and into the market area, thinking about what he could find for his dinner. He’d never eaten so much food in one day, and he felt a little sick from just how full he was, but he figured that if he was going to have access to so much food, he might as well take advantage of it whilst he could.
He bought a roasted potato and ate it on a bench that looked over a park where children were playing. As he watched, he realized just how different children were up on the Surface. He was certainly still a child, but he had never played like they were down there. They laughed and jumped and rolled on the grass, supervised by adults that he assumed were their parents. He couldn’t even recall interacting with other children Underground. He’d heard them crying sometimes, or seen them being held by an adult as they walked through the muddied roads. But children Underground did not play; survival was always the most important, especially in winter, when so many small bodies end up piled onto each other in mass graves.
A part of him envied the children he watched on the grass, but he also knew that those kids wouldn’t be able to defend themselves in a fight. And yet, they probably would never need to. They would never need to learn to steal food or worry about finding a safe place to sleep. They wouldn’t ever have to wonder if they would survive the unrelenting cold of winter. His life was abnormal, he realized. Life up here was what Humanity expected, and now that he’d been given a taste of it, he was determined that this would somehow become his life forever, no matter what he had to do to get it.
It didn’t take long for Erwin to figure out that Levi couldn’t read or write. One day during lunch, the boys sat together under the tree they’d long since claimed for their own and Erwin showed him one of the books he was reading; a history of Humanity within the Walls. Levi was frowning at the symbols that were apparently letters, when Erwin asked the question he’d been dreading.
“You can’t read, can you?”
Levi turned his face away from the book and took another bite from the sandwich Erwin had brought for him.
“Do you want me to teach you?” Erwin asked gently.
Levi thought about it for a moment. He wondered what use it would be to him to learn if he was going to be sent back to the Underground after this was all done. Still, he wanted to live up here some day, and he’d probably need to know how to read and write if he was going to do that. What’s more, he knew a lot of people Underground couldn’t read; so maybe he’d have an advantage if he could. So he nodded his consent, trying to hide his flushed cheeks.
Thankfully for him, Levi was a quick learner with nothing but time on his hands when he wasn’t at school. By the next week, he was able to write his name and recognize all the letters in the alphabet. Reading was harder, since he found out that some letters made multiple sounds, but he was able to figure that out too, so that he could almost read as well as Erwin within another week.
One afternoon after class, Erwin stayed behind and went with Levi to a park, where they shared a sweet roll and watched ducks floating along the surface of a lake. There was so much Levi had learned in the last three weeks. What names the animals in the area had, the different kinds of trees and flowers, which edible berries and herbs grew wild in the fields and forest. He had Erwin to thank for all of that, despite how cold he had been to the blue-eyed boy for a long time.
Levi, though accepting of the food and the help to learn, had been wary of Erwin and his motives. Several times, he’d pushed Erwin away, perhaps a little too hard, and told him to fuck off if their shoulders touched or if Erwin said something that pried a little too much into Levi’s life.
One time, Erwin had asked after his family, and Levi told him he didn’t want to talk about it. Erwin, cunning and deductive as usual, tried to figure out why, and Levi had gotten so angry that he’d punched Erwin in the mouth, sending him to the ground.
“Just let it go!” Levi had shouted, loud enough to get the attention of the other students in the yard. “You don’t have to know everything about me! In fact, I don’t want you to know anything about me!”
As Levi turned to storm away, Erwin had called to him.
“I’m sorry.” Levi heard the shuffle of his body as he stood up again. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I was just trying to get to know you better, to be a better friend.”
“I don’t have friends,” Levi spat, and walked inside.
Despite the incident, Erwin continued to sit with Levi at lunch, bringing him an extra sandwich and fruit, and Levi let him. They didn’t talk for three days, sitting in silence as they ate. Finally, Levi mustered up the courage to say something.
“I’m sorry I hit you,” he said into the air, staring straight ahead.
“It’s okay.” Erwin rubbed his jaw, where a bruise still shone. “I kind of deserved it.”
Now, as they sat and watched the ducks and ate the sweet roll, Levi wondered if this was what it was like to have friends. He hoped so, because he liked the feeling. He would never say it out loud, but he enjoyed Erwin’s company. When Kenny had found out that Levi was spending time with him, he congratulated him on, ‘getting to the son.’
Levi hadn’t known that Erwin was Mr. Smith’s son. Sure, they’d sort of looked similar to him, and they both had blonde hair, but they didn’t treat each other like family, at least based on how he saw other families interacting up here. The knowledge caught him off guard, but Kenny told him it was a good thing, since the son was likely to be less cautious with information than the father.
“Keep at it,” Kenny had said. “See if you can get him to talk.”
“Hey, Smith,” someone behind them said, interrupting Levi’s thoughts.
Levi turned and saw several kids, slightly older and from another class, standing behind them. His instincts flared up immediately, and he felt himself tensing even before the biggest of them stepped forward.
“I see you’re still carrying your street rat with you everywhere you go. Teaching him to read and write so he can pretend to be one of us?” the leader said, nodding at Levi. “You just love those stupid books of yours, don’t you?”
Erwin said nothing, choosing instead to stare at the older boy and clenching his fists.
“Nothing to say, Smith? Or maybe you’re just not capable of talking to people, only to your books and that rat, huh?”
“Back the hell off,” Levi said, rising his feet. The older kids were a good deal taller than him, and he hated that he had to look up to look them in the eyes.
“Defending your master, rat? I can’t tell if you’re brave or just as stupid as you look.”
“Levi–” Erwin whispered, placing a hand on his arm.
Levi turned to respond, and that was all it took. The leader of the group punched him in the face so hard he spun on his way to the ground, his vision flashing white. One of the other kids grabbed Erwin’s arms and yanked him from the bench, slamming his knee into the boy’s stomach. Erwin collapsed, coughing, and then the group was on him, kicking anywhere they could reach. One of the smaller kids grabbed a book from the bench and slammed it onto Erwin’s head as quickly as they could swing.
As soon as Levi’s vision recovered from the punch he was on his feet, and he jumped to grab the shirt collar of one of the kids and pull him backwards onto the ground. Once he had better access to the kid’s face, he kicked it until the boy put his hands up and scrambled away, crying.
Levi didn’t waste any time; he jumped into the group beating on Erwin and punched and kicked and headbutted his way through. The mob didn’t let up until they spotted the knife he’d whipped out and moved to give him a wide berth.
“Fucking back off!” Levi shouted. “I’ll fucking kill you if you come any closer!”
The leader took a step forward, smirking, and brought his fists back up in front of him.
“I highly doubt that, Runt.”
Levi wasn’t sure what happened next, but when he regained control of himself, he was sitting on the kid’s chest, knife to his throat, growling into his face.
“You doubt that, you say? You wanna try me?”
The kid, for his part, was a lot worse for wear. It was clear that his nose was broken and he would have a black eye in a few hours. His hands were up in surrender, tears pricking at the corner of his eyes.
Levi jumped off of him and watched as he and the rest of the group ran off. Something wet dripped onto his shirt, and the taste of iron made him realize his mouth was bleeding. He touched it and found that his bottom lip was split open in three places. He turned to Erwin, who was still curled on the ground, clutching at his abdomen. Levi held out a hand to help him up.
“Are you okay?” Levi asked as he hauled Erwin onto his feet.
“Yeah, I think so.” Erwin brushed dirt from his clothes and hair and straightened his clothes. When he looked at Levi again, his face collapsed into a frown. “Are you okay? You’re bleeding.”
“I’m fine,” Levi snapped, before taking a deep breath and speaking again. “I’m okay. Just a split lip and a few bruises.”
The boys picked up Erwin’s books, one of which had been destroyed during the fight, and Levi walked with Erwin to his house. He told himself that he did it just to make sure that those kids didn’t jump Erwin on the way home.
It was the first time Levi had seen Erwin’s house; a modest two-story home that was bigger than any place Levi had ever seen someone live in.
“Do you want to come inside and clean up before you go home?” Erwin said, his hand on the door. “My father can give you something for your lip, and we can give you something to eat for dinner.”
Levi stared at Erwin for a long moment, wanting nothing more to accept the offer, but he was worried he wouldn’t know how to act or worse, that he wouldn’t want to leave. So he shook his head and clenched his fists.
“No, I can’t,” he said, pushing his gaze to the ground. “I have to go home.”
“Okay,” Erwin said quietly. Levi tried not to think about the look he might have on his face. “Hey, Levi?”
Levi looked up, about to respond when he found Erwin’s face right next to his, and his lips on his cheek. Time froze for a long moment as all of the heat in Levi’s body rose to his face, painting his skin bright pink up to his ears. He fell backwards onto his butt, a hand on his cheek where Erwin’s lips had been. He looked at Erwin and found that the boy’s face was flushed as well, a hand held out to help Levi back up.
“Sorry,” he said. “I just… well…”
Before either boy could say anything else, Levi jumped to his feet and ran as fast as his legs could carry him. He looked behind to make sure Erwin wasn’t following him, and he ran straight to his camp and stuffed himself into his tent and into his bed. He realized that he was shaking, and his breath wouldn’t come back to him.
Levi had never been kissed before. Not since after Ma got sick, and certainly not by a boy. The warmth of Erwin’s lips still burned his skin, seeming to brand him with the simple touch. He tried to rub the feeling away, to press his cheek into his pillow to mute it, but it stayed with him. Every time Levi tried to think of something, anything else to distract himself and fall asleep, he was brought back to those blue eyes, the soft feel of his lips, the smell of his skin.
Kenny came by late that night and dragged him out of the tent to get a report. Seeing Levi’s lip and the bruises on his arms, he raised a brow and took his hat off to set aside and get a better look at him.
“What the hell happened to you?” Kenny asked, grabbing Levi’s chin and turning his head.
“Got into a fight,” Levi mumbled, not wanting to look Kenny in the eyes. He could still feel the phantom sensation of Erwin’s lips on his cheek. Maybe he really was branded; would Kenny be able to see it?
“That right? You better have won it,” Kenny said, letting Levi’s chin go.
“Good.” Kenny sat on a log he had dragged over for a bench weeks ago. “What was it about?”
“Nothing.” Levi sat on the ground, drawing his knees to his chest.
Kenny regarded him for a long moment but shrugged and let it drop. Before he left, he gave Levi a little extra money, telling him to get his lip looked at.
Levi stored the money in the secret pocket he’d made in his pack, to bring back home when this was all over.
Levi couldn’t bring himself to go back to school the next day, or the one after that. All he could think about was Erwin and the kiss and it clouded his mind and made him clumsy. He burned himself on his campfire and nearly got caught stealing smoked meat. What if Erwin didn’t want to see him anymore, since he ran? The kiss was a good thing, a sign of affection. He knew that, and realized his escape meant that he had rejected it, right? Why would Erwin want to see him after that?
Several more days passed, full of rain and chill. Levi spent most of them in the tent, hoping the wind wouldn’t blow away the cloth or make a tree collapse on him. Somewhere in the forest, a tree did fall, the sound thundering and terrible, and the thought of being crushed kept him from sleep. He wondered if he was crushed by a tree, would Erwin be sad?
On the morning of the sixth day since the fight, Levi was placing his clothes on a line of rope, hoping the day would be hot enough to dry them out quickly. A small fire was nearby, and smoke curled lazily into the trees. A metal cup with water and herbs sat on a rock by the fire, steeping a forest tea he had invented.
Levi turned and found Erwin, his hair messy from running, face flushed, and breathing hard.
Before he could finish, Erwin rushed him, throwing his arms around Levi in a tight embrace. As much as he wanted to resist, he found himself lost in the warmth of Erwin’s body pressed against his.
“I’m so glad I found you, Levi! I was so worried! I thought something might have happened to you!”
Erwin held on tightly for a long moment whilst his breathing slowed, giving Levi enough time to bring his arms up and return the embrace. He didn’t think he’d hugged anyone since Ma. The thought stung in the back of his head.
“You were worried about me?” Levi asked at last. He pulled himself away to look at Erwin's flushed face and then guided him to Kenny’s log bench.
“Yeah, I thought you were mad at me for… you know. Or that you got sick or were really hurt in that fight or something.”
Levi wrapped his hand in a piece of cloth and pulled the cup away from the fire and set it on another stone to cool. Gingerly, he pulled out the sprigs of herbs and tossed them into the fire.
“I’m not mad at you,” Levi said simply. He sat down on the log next to Erwin with a heavy sigh.
“So…did something happen at home? It looks like you ran away,” Erwin commented, looking around the camp.
Levi tensed and sent his gaze straight to the ground. His mouth opened and closed a few times as he tried to come up with a good lie. He knew the one Kenny told him to tell people wouldn’t work here. Not with Erwin.
“No,” Erwin said slowly. Levi knew he was figuring it out. “You live here. You’ve…always lived here.”
Levi nodded, his head feeling like a stone that he struggled to lift with each motion.
“That’s why you didn’t want me asking about your family, isn’t it? You…don’t have a family anymore. You’re an orphan. And you’re homeless, aren’t you?”
“Yeah,” Levi muttered. He felt like he wanted to shrink into himself, or fall through the ground, or just disappear like the smoke on the breeze. Anything to not have to face the sad blue eyes he knew were staring at him.
It wasn’t even the fact that Erwin found out that he was living in a tent that hurt. If anything, living in this little camp was a luxury compared to what he was used to. He had a roof over his head every night, and a place to sleep that wasn’t in the mud or sewage or somewhere he might get attacked. No, what hurt was that word, homeless, because he really was, in every possible way. Erwin had no idea how right he was.
“Can I ask why you didn’t tell me?” Erwin whispered. He placed a hand on Levi’s shoulder, keeping it firmly in place even after Levi shrank away from the touch.
“Those kids were right,” Levi said after a long pause. “When they called me a street rat. I’ve never had a home, as long as I can remember. I didn’t want you to think that you were wasting your time on trash, I guess.”
And because it could make the job harder to do, Levi thought. He had to remember that he was here for a job. He wasn’t supposed to be making friends and telling secrets and playing. He wasn’t like the kids that grew up here without a care in the world. And yet, something about Erwin made it easier to feel like a normal kid, despite being anything but.
“You could never make me think I was wasting my time,” Erwin said.
Levi grunted and reached over for the metal cup, cooled enough now, and handed it to Erwin.
“Here, you can have it. It’s a tea I made.”
Erwin accepted the cup and sipped from it.
“This is pretty good, Levi.”
“It’s just some herbs and stuff. Nothing special, but better than drinking just plain water.”
Erwin bumped Levi’s hand with the cup, smiling gently with those sky-blue eyes when Levi looked up at him.
They shared the tea in silence, passing the cup after each sip. By the time it was gone, the morning had warmed, and Levi felt the last chill from the rains come off of his skin.
“Hey, since you missed school, I didn’t get to tell you.” Erwin placed the empty cup down on the ground. “My dad was telling me about how some of the information in our history books doesn’t add up. According to him, we should have some oral histories of what happened before Humanity was forced behind the Walls, and the fact that we don’t is strange. He thinks that someone in the government might have a way of altering our memories so that those stories don’t exist anymore.”
Levi felt like all the hair on his body stood up. This was the information he needed! This was what Kenny was after. A part of him was excited; he’d done the job he was supposed to do and he could get paid for it. The other part sank; this meant he was going to be sent back to the Underground again. Away from the sunshine, away from real food. Away from Erwin.
“How would someone be able to alter our memories?” Levi asked, trying to control the tremble he thought he heard in his voice. “How could they have that kind of power when we don’t even know why the Titans showed up in the first place?”
“I don’t know,” Erwin admitted. “But if it’s true, that means that we’ve been lied to! It means that Humanity might exist elsewhere beyond the Walls, and we’ll never know!”
“Maybe it’s to keep people safe?” Levi said. He thought about what Kenny told him the whole reason for the job was, to keep the illegal information away from the people. “Maybe something bad will happen if everyone knows about it.”
“Levi, you can’t believe that!” Erwin stood up and threw his arms out. “The people beyond the Walls could have more technology than us. They could have figured out how to destroy all the Titans and are living in peace whilst we continue to suffer. Nothing good could ever come from keeping knowledge from people.”
“Yeah, I guess so.” Levi shrugged.
Erwin sat back down and leaned on Levi’s shoulder.
“Anyway,” he said. “I was so excited to tell you but you didn’t show up at school and then I got more and more scared and… Hey Levi?”
“Do you wanna come live with me? I’m sure my father wouldn’t mind. And I’d definitely feel better if I knew you weren’t homeless. I mean, what are you going to do when winter comes?”
Levi tensed again. He wanted so badly to take the offer, but he knew he couldn’t. He had a job to finish.
“Thanks, but I can’t,” he said, balling his hands into the fabric of his pants. “Maybe later.”
Levi assured him he would go back to school when the weekend was over and told him to get home before his father started to worry. When Erwin was completely out of view, Levi ran to the edge of the forest by the river, tied the ribbon as high as he could reach, and went back to camp to wait for Kenny.
“Well done, Runt,” Kenny said as the carriage rattled through town. Levi was back in his old clothes and shoes. The money he had saved was stuffed into his shoe, pressing uncomfortably against his foot. He’d managed to convince Kenny to let him keep the loafers to sell, but all the Surface clothes had gone to the fire.
“I was gettin’ worried for a while there that you were getting close to that Erwin boy to focus on the job.”
Levi didn’t say anything; he watched as Kenny counted out his cut from the stack of notes in his hand. Finally, when he was handed the notes, he counted it for himself and realized he could buy a room with this much money. He might even be able to buy something warm for the winter. He stuffed the stack into his pocket.
“What will happen to Mr. Smith?”
“Don’t you worry about that,” Kenny said. “That part is for us adults.”
Just before Kenny led him back into the Underground, Levi had a thought.
“Kenny? Do you think this money can get me citizenship on the Surface?”
Kenny barked a laugh, holding onto his hat to keep it from falling off.
“You gotta be kidding me! That’s not enough to get you up here for the amount of time I had you working for me! You need at least three times that much to get full citizenship, kid.”
Levi looked down the stairs into the darkness and frowned. After three and a half months up on the Surface, he desperately didn’t want to go back down there. He should have run away when he had the chance.
“Look, kid,” Kenny said, suddenly somber. “You’ve got skills. I’m sure you’ll find a way to make it up here, huh?”
“Yeah, whatever,” Levi said. He started the long descent back into the darkness.
“I’ll see you soon, Runt,” Kenny called after him. “I’m not done with you yet!”
Levi learned a few weeks later, when Kenny had come back down to see him, what had happened to Erwin’s father. Levi had attacked Kenny for it, his own guilt turning to rage. He still wasn’t a match for the man though, and he couldn’t move for three days after the beating he’d gotten for his ‘ungrateful attitude.’
Within another few months, Kenny left him for good.
“My name is Erwin Smith. What’s yours?”
Levi thought he had known that name once, some twenty or so years ago. It felt so familiar in his mind, but so distant, like something locked away in a box that he had lost the key to.
He watched the deep blue eyes staring at him shift slightly, unnoticeable to most, but so visible to Levi that the man might as well have put up a sign. Did he know this man? He clearly was not from the Underground; his language was clean and precise, like someone from the Surface. He carried himself like a man who had never had to worry about being attacked from an alley as he walked past. Levi was certain, this Erwin Smith wasn’t from the Underground.
Levi tried to remember anything from the short time he’d lived on the Surface as a child, but it was all a blur, a faded scar slowly sinking back into the skin.
Still, it bothered him, the look in Erwin Smith’s eyes.
He caught that subtle shift again when he, Izzy, and Furlan were standing on the stage in the Survey Corps headquarters, being ordered to introduce themselves. He’d crossed his arms and looked down at the man who’d dragged him out of the sewage and into the sun.
It stuck in his mind, that subtle flicker, the hard stares. By the time Isabel and Furlan were dead and Erwin had been made Commander, he still hadn't figured it out. He'd already pledged his life and strength to the man, though he couldn't explain the nature of why that loyalty seemed to pour from his veins to lie at Erwin’s feet to use as he chose.
One morning, nearly a year after he'd joined the Survey Corps, Levi sat under a tree at HQ, sipping tea. He stared out into the morning mist, trying to pick at the dream that woke him from his scant sleep. There was something about a fight, and for some reason, Erwin's eyes kept showing up in the corner of his mind’s eye.
Levi looked up to see Erwin standing next to him with a small smile on his face. At the view, he felt like he’d been smacked square in the mouth. His eyes widened and his teacup fell from his hand.
Erwin sat down, his smile widening into a grin, his shoulder bumping into Levi's.
"I've been waiting for you to remember," he said.
A flood of memories came back to Levi; the sandwiches under a tree in the school yard, learning to read and write under Erwin’s careful tutelage, the fight in a park. And then Levi remembered why he’d been there in the first place, and what he’d done. He grit his teeth and looked away from Erwin.
“Bastard. You knew right away, didn’t you?” Levi muttered, trying to push away a sudden sense of embarrassment. “Right there in that street whilst Mike had my face in the filth.”
Erwin chuckled and shrugged slightly.
“Not quite. Your movements in that fight definitely gave me hints. The way you told me your name did too.” Erwin looked forward, sparing Levi that penetrating gaze. “But it was the way you had introduced yourself in front of the Corps that really did it. ‘Name’s Levi,’ crossing your arms with that frown, just like that first day you came to school.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I didn’t know if you remembered,” Erwin said, suddenly a little more quiet. The change in tone made Levi look back up at him, and he was startled to see a somber look on his face. “I didn’t know if you…wanted to remember.”
Levi didn’t know how to respond. He drew his leg up to his chest and rested his head on it. They sat in silence for a long time, each man lost in thought. Finally, Erwin stood up and offered a hand to Levi.
“Let’s go to my office, so we can talk.”
Levi wanted to refuse. He didn’t want to talk about that time, about what he did. But he couldn’t refuse Erwin, so he took his hand and stood, then walked behind him to the Commander’s office. He wasn’t surprised when Erwin didn’t just close the door behind him, but locked it, too.
Levi was tense, but he didn’t move from where he stood by the window overlooking the training grounds. It was still early enough that no one was out there yet, but Levi wouldn’t have heard the hiss of gas over the thundering of his heartbeat anyway.
He sensed Erwin move to stand several feet behind him. It was far enough away to give Levi space but close enough to stop an escape. That was fine, as far as he was concerned. He had no intention of escaping this. The bill had come due, it seemed.
So simple, his name on Erwin’s lips. Back then, it had felt warm and welcoming, giving Levi a sense of something he had never had. Now, it sent shivers up his spine, for reasons he couldn’t understand. He sighed and turned to face Erwin. As it so often was, his face was blank, giving nothing away, but he felt stripped bare and vulnerable in ways he had never felt before.
“Do you remember that last day, in the forest?” Erwin asked.
He did. The surprise and fear he’d felt when Erwin had found his camp. He could almost taste the cup of tea they had shared together. The information Erwin gave him, that led to the guilt weighing him down now. He felt like that guilt would pin him to the earth even if he was strapped into his ODM and burning his gas as quickly as he could.
“You left after that day…why?”
Was that hurt Levi detected in Erwin’s voice? He didn’t know if he’d ever heard that kind of tone in Erwin’s voice before. He frowned, trying to decide what to say that made the most sense. How much did Erwin know about his involvement in his father’s death? How much was he willing to admit to?
“I…didn’t have a choice.” It was a true statement, but it still felt like he was lying.
Erwin paused, and the silence weighed so heavily in the room that Levi felt like he was being crushed.
“My father died very shortly after you left,” Erwin said, moving to stand at the same window, opposite Levi.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” Levi muttered. “He was very nice to me, and a good teacher.”
“I think that I played a hand in his death,” Erwin replied. “The information I told you that day, about Humanity being lied to by the government, my father's theories…I’ve never told anyone this, but I think someone in the government got hold of that information, and it led to his death.”
Levi couldn’t respond, and it disgusted him. He had always been so good at holding his face steady, of not giving away what he was thinking or how he was feeling, but he knew the look on his face was starting to shift, and he couldn’t stop it. If he opened his mouth, he would give it all away.
“I’ll ask again. Levi, why did you leave after that day?”
Levi looked back up at Erwin, expecting anger or an accusation, but he just saw sadness and hurt. He knew. Maybe he’d always known, but he wanted to hear it from the lips of the one responsible. Levi grit his teeth, forcing himself to hold Erwin’s gaze.
“It was me,” Levi said, and the flicker in Erwin’s eyes made him want to tear his gaze back away and out the window. “I was born in the Underground, and just like you guessed all those years ago, I never really had parents. I never knew my father and my mother died when I was very young.
“I was raised by a man that brought me up here for a job to find out if your father was in possession of information that would threaten the King's government. I told that man what you told me, and then he brought me back to the Underground. At the time, I didn’t know that they were going to kill your father, I swear. I didn’t even find out until weeks later. That’s the truth.”
Silence filled the room again, seeping into all of the corners and sticking like honey. Erwin was staring at him with widened eyes and his mouth open slightly.
“I’m sorry, Erwin. I didn’t want to leave. I thought about running away, hiding somewhere where that man wouldn’t find me. I wanted to stay in the sun…to stay with you. But he made me go back the very night I told him. And I had to tell him. I…I needed the money.
“You don’t know what life is like down there. Before that job, I slept on the street. I was constantly covered in filth and I had to steal everything I ate. I barely survived the winter; we don’t have coats or fireplaces or even insulated housing there unless you had the kind of money for it. And no one was going to give a job to a brat like me back then. Orphans down there usually die within the first three months if they don’t wise up. I was lucky that man taught me how to survive.
“That job…” Levi gulped down a lump in his throat, remembering how proud he’d been at the time he laid the money on the table. “I was able to buy a room with the money I made. It was tiny, less than half the size of this office, but it had a stove I could burn coal in during the winter, and it gave me a place to sleep out of the filth. I was able to buy a bed with the money I got from selling those leather shoes I had worn up here, although it was barely more than a worn out sack stuffed with some straw. But it was the first real bed I ever had since my mother died, and it meant I didn’t have to sleep with the rats.”
Still, silence. Erwin was still staring at him, his expression completely unreadable. He couldn’t bear that gaze on top of the guilt he already carried. Levi knelt on the floor, keeping his eyes on Erwin’s the whole time.
“I’m so sorry, Erwin. It’s my fault your father is dead. More than that, I benefited from his death. It wasn’t my intention to get him killed, but even if I had known what would happen, I still would have done it. I needed to survive, and back then I had to do anything it took to see the next day. But that doesn’t excuse the pain I’ve caused you.”
Levi lowered his head and turned his gaze to the floor. Without fully understanding why he did it, he pulled his knife from within the lining of his pants and held it up to Erwin.
“Erwin, I won't tell you that I regret what I did, because it gave me the chance to survive, but I wish more than anything that it hadn't been your father. I know I can never make up for what I did to you. But I've pledged myself to you, and I can offer you my life; so you can kill me, if you want. It won’t bring your father back, and it won’t make up for what I did, but maybe it can make you feel a little better about his loss.”
Levi felt the knife leave his hand and let his arm fall back down. He watched as Erwin’s knees touched the floor in front of him.
Levi remembered what Kenny used to tell him about why he preferred using a knife instead of a gun. Ain’t no point in killing a man if you can’t see the life leaving his eyes. Maybe Erwin felt the same way. So be it. He raised his head and looked into the face of the man he offered his life to.
Erwin’s face was so close to his he could count his eyelashes. Still, he couldn't discern the look in his eyes, and he ached to know, just one more time, what Erwin felt.
Erwin raised the knife so that it was in his view and diverted his eyes to look at it. Levi allowed his gaze to follow.
“You offered me your own blade to kill you with,” Erwin mused gravely, turning the blade in his hand. “One could hardly imagine a more personal death.”
Levi remained silent. He had no right to speak anymore. He had said enough.
“I’ve always suspected that you had something to do with my father’s death,” Erwin continued quietly. “The timing was too convenient for it to be anything else. And for years, I imagined what I would say to you if I had a confession like this from you.”
Erwin grabbed Levi’s hand, held the palm up, and quickly dragged the blade across it. Levi winced, but could only look at Erwin in confusion as the blade was placed firmly back into his bleeding hand.
“Let the part of you that helped to kill my father, and the guilt you carry with it, die with the blood drawn from this cut. You’re not that person anymore,” Erwin said, catching Levi’s gaze again. “Once upon a time, I might have thought that killing you would have helped. But I don’t want to trade life for a life, and certainly not yours.”
Before Levi could finish, he found Erwin had cupped his cheeks with his hands and pressed soft lips to his own. The memory of that first kiss, more than twenty years ago now, came flooding back. That old fire that he had felt on his cheek now flared on his lips, shocking him still, preventing him from doing anything more than returning the kiss. When Erwin bit at his lower lip, he opened his mouth and let Erwin explore him with his tongue. Levi moved his free hand to Erwin’s nape to gain more leverage before pulling away to gasp for air.
“Levi, when you left, I was so scared that it was my fault,” Erwin interrupted, peppering kisses on his cheeks and forehead. “I worried I wouldn’t get to see you again. And when I heard about someone who looked like the boy I met all those years ago who was a natural on ODM, I hoped desperately that it was you. And then it was and when I realized who you were, I knew that what I felt all those years ago was real.”
Erwin kissed him again, slowly, gently, like he was afraid Levi would pull away. In truth, Levi was terrified. The warmth filling him up from his chest all the way to head was foreign and invasive, and he didn’t know how to identify it.
“And what was it? That thing you knew back then?” Levi asked when they’d parted again.
Erwin fixed him with a smile so soft that Levi thought his heart would burst right then and there.
“That I love you, Levi. And I have always loved you.”
Levi felt like his heart stopped, hearing those words. Love. Was that the word for the thing flaring up inside of him, filling him from head to toe, lighting his nerves on fire and broiling in his gut? No; Erwin couldn’t love him, certainly not after what he’d done. He didn’t deserve that. He’d just admitted to causing the death of Erwin’s father and his response was a declaration of love? It didn’t fit with any ideas of the world Levi had built in his mind these many years of guarded thoughts and intense self-control.
Still, this draw that he felt towards Erwin – and indeed, hadn’t he always felt it? – was immutable, seemed built into his blood. Would he call it love? He couldn’t pretend to know what love felt like. Sure, he could say that he’d loved Ma, but that bond with the only family he’d ever known was inevitable, and he’d been so young when she’d died that he wouldn’t have known what else to call it anyway. He’d heard songs of love, listened to others describe it, but those flowery words weren’t what he felt now. They were never what he felt around Erwin.
It felt like they were both born from the same pool, created together and molded to fit into and with one another, no matter how far apart they were. For indeed, what were the chances that they had both taken to ODM, despite their motives? How likely was it that they would find each other again, some twenty years after their parting, if they weren’t of the same soul? Being away from Erwin felt like an emptiness that nothing else could fill, and Levi knew that a part of him had searched to fill that hole within him for so very long. He realized then that he would always try to fill that space if Erwin was not within it.
“I can, and I do, Levi,” Erwin whispered into his ear as he drew him in close. The embrace was so strong and stabilizing, just like it had been that day in the forest. “I know what you’re going to say. I should hate you, I should want revenge, I should cast you away like the street rat you still think you are. But I can’t and I won’t, because I love you. I think I’ve always loved you, from that very first moment you bumped into me. And now that I have you, I don’t want to let you go.
“Even if you don’t love me in return, I hope that you’ll stay by my side as my friend. My life has felt so empty since you left, and now that you’re here again, I feel whole. Please, at least say you’ll stay by my side.”
Would Levi call this feeling love? This feeling that seemed to make up his bones and suffused his skin with warmth at the sight of those beautiful blue eyes? If there was another word for it, he didn’t care to know. He would call this love, and hold it as close to his heart as he could.
“Dumbass,” Levi chuckled, pulling Erwin away to look him in the eyes. “Of course I’ll stay. I love you too.”
