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200613 Namjoon’s Weverse Post

시간은 정말 뭘까요? 이래저래.. 무던하게, 잔잔히 늘 왔다가는 것 같아도, 어느새 달라진 어느 바닷가의 바위를 보는 것 같아요. 짧다면 짧고.. 길다면 참 길고. 2010년 여름의 논현동 숙소 입주부터 서울에 온 지도 꼭 10년이 되었습니다. 이제는 정말 서울 시민이 된 것 같습니다.

방탄의 특성 상, 예전과 처음의 우리 모습들을 정말정말 자주 목격해왔다고 생각했는데, 오늘 올라오는 데뷔 적 사진들을 하나하나 찬찬히 뜯어보니, 도저히 내가 알던 나 같지 않아 낯설고 생경했어요. 게슈탈트 같은.. 호일펌 랩몬스터로 모나게 데뷔해서, 그때가 워낙 세서 저만큼은 변해도 변한 것 같지 않다고 여겨왔는데. 웬 다른 시대 사람이 거기 서서 슬그머니 웃고 있더라구요.

음.. 오늘도 안무 연습을 하며 친구들과 참 많이 웃었습니다. 데뷔 직후에 꼭 그대들을 자랑스럽게 해주겠다던 패기 넘치는 편지 생각도 했습니다. 날짜라는 건.. 기념일은 정말 무료할 뻔한 삶에 특별한 이정표가 되어주는 것 같아요. 숫자만으로도 기분이 좋아진다는 건 참 신기한 일입니다.

저는 비로소 숨이 좀 쉬어집니다. 건강하게, 웃는 모습으로 같이 함께 달려올 수 있어 그저 다행입니다. 곁을 보면 훨씬 멋있어진 친구들이 보여 스스로를 다잡곤 합니다. 잡히지 않는.. 설명할 수 없는 몇 가지 뜨거운 것들은 7년이 지나도 똑같이 차오릅니다. 때로 그립기도 하지만 다시 오지 않을 순간들.. 그래도 그때라서 행복했고, 또 지금이라서 행복해요. 날선 모습들이 여기저기 붙여져 있어 조금 부끄럽기도 하지만, 어제의 나도 분명 나니까요 ! 오래 전 찢어버린 졸업앨범의 사진이 보고 싶어졌어요. (막상 보면 후회하겠지만..)

오늘도 범람하는 수많은 뉴스들을 보며 생각했어요. 7년 전, 십년 전의 세상과 지금은 무엇이 다를까. 그간 나는 무엇을 해왔나. 공허한 외침, 의미 없는 몸짓들.. 그러나 결코 그렇게 남도록 두지 않았던 지구 곳곳의 더운 사랑들. 여전히 마음 가득 몸부림치는 무력감 속에서, 고작 제가 할 수 있는 것과 할 수 없는 것을 고민합니다. 이렇게, 저는 또 7년째 살고 있습니다. 저를 살게 해주셔서 감사하고, 끝까지 포기하지 않게 해주셔서. 정말 감사해요. 7년을 외쳤던 것처럼 열심히 해볼게요. 당장 내일 있을 방방콘부터 ! 아직도 여전히 저는 제 사랑이 전해지기를 바라고 있습니다. 사랑보다도 더 사랑합니다. 아미.

- 남준

Seriously, I wonder what time is. Like this like that.. though we may think time consistently and calmly comes and goes, it feels like I am gazing at a rock on the beach that has suddenly changed. Depending on how you look at it, it can be considered short or very long but 10 years have passed since we moved into the Nonhyeon-dong dorm in the summer of 2010, and since I came to Seoul. Now, I feel as if I’ve become a true Seoul citizen.

I’ve always thought, as characteristic of Bangtan, we’ve faced our past selves, our first selves, extremely frequently but as I slowly, one-by-one, looked at the photos of us in our debut era being uploaded today, I can’t for the life of me consolidate the me of the past and the me of the present—the me that I [thought I] knew didn’t feel like me so it was unfamiliar and unreal. Kind of like Gestaltzerfall*… I debuted as foil perm Rap Monster with a prickly personality, and because the image of me from that era is so strong, I thought any changes thereafter would pale in comparison and would not feel like big changes at all. But [when I saw debut era photos of me] there was a person from a different time and age standing there, slowly breaking out into a smile.

Mm.. Today too, as we rehearsed choreography, I laughed a lot with my [Bangtan] friends. I even thought of the passionate/determined letters I wrote to these people immediately after we debuted, saying I would make sure to make them proud. The thing about dates is.. I think anniversaries help mark special milestones in life that would have otherwise just gone by without significance. It’s an amazing thing that moods can be lifted just by numbers.

I As a result, am able to breathe now. That we are able to healthily, with smiling faces, run forward together like this is such a relief. When I look around me, I see the visages of my now much cooler friends, so I take time to self-reflect and motivate myself anew. There are some things, things that cannot be put into words, that even 7 years later, bubble up in me, heatedly. Moments that I sometimes long for that will never come again.. Still, those moments are beautiful because it was that era, and I am happy now because it is the present. I am a little embarrassed that photos of my prickly, on-guard self are up here and there but still the me of yesterday is still me ! These days I’ve been wanting to look through the yearbook I tore up long ago. (Though I may regret it as soon as I look through it..)

Today as well, as I saw the overflowing news reports, I thought What might be different in the world of 7 years ago, 10 years ago, and today? What have I done in that time? Fruitless, empty cries, meaningless actions.. But the hot loves around the earth that refused to let them stay that way. As always, while fighting relentlessly within a heart full of helplessness, the insignificant me contemplates the things I can and cannot do. Like this, as always, I am living for a 7th year. Thank you for letting me live, and for letting me not give up until now. Thank you so much. Just as I have shouted this for the past seven years, I will continue to try working hard. Starting immediately from the bangbangcon that will happen tomorrow! Still, as always, I hope that my love reaches you. I love you more than love. ARMY.

-Namjoon

(T/N: *”A type of visual agnosia and is a psychological phenomenon where delays in recognition are observed when a complex shape is stared at for a while as the shape seems to decompose into its constituting parts.” cr. wiki)

Trans cr: Amy @ bts-weverse-trans © Please credit when taking out

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