👀 Tell me about an up and coming wip please! wow thank you for asking. but the truth is, oh my god...i really am writing a teen wolf fanfic in the year of our lord 2022. it's hurt/comfort and it takes place 8 years after canon. stiles is in law school in seattle and comes across an injured, full wolf shift derek who has apparently traveled 300+ miles to him acting only on instinct?? featuring: bed sharing. one of my fav hikes. mutual pining. a restaurant dish called Straight Up Bitch. awkward conversations about past trauma and things you do as a teenager and then regret as an adult. just your usual! original work wise I'm still working on the Captain Swash book, and i've realized it's more like a western but with sailboats.
🤗 What advice would you give to new fanfic writers that are just getting started? ah great question! I would strongly recommend reading a wide variety of things (different genres, poetry, prose, creative nonfiction, etc) to develop your own style. Try to stretch your writing muscles prose wise, structure wise, pacing, plot, etc. Read all the meta about your character/fandom of choice you can. Don't feel obligated to follow popular trends or fanon, try to cultivate your own understanding of the character. And at the end of the day write the fic or thing you want to see most in the world, because other people really want to see it too.
🤲 Would you please share a snippet of a wip?
have this snippet of a previous Captain Swash draft
Had she fought for this land? For so long Swash had felt violently apart from the rest of the world, and yes, she had run, had fled, unfit for human society, unable to remain. She had gone to the coast because she had wanted to see things outside of herself, be outside of herself, there was a whole world out there living and dying and decaying and she could see it all. She had seen improbable things; a moose gliding smoothly beneath the ocean’s tides; black and white whales snapping up salmon; birds mixed with sudden summer rain, like silver fire in the sky. But not everyone loved it; how many times had she gone out in a gale to pilot ships, only to have the sailors curse the raging sky, the wind and the rain? It is almost alive, Swash had wanted to say, thunder booming like a heartbeat, and she had meant I am almost alive; here, in a place desolate, implacably grey and green, eroded, entropic, all of it.
But had she fought for it? For the glaciers’ right to make the world?
Swash looked out from the balcony, from Vena to the glittering Maggander below, and green Drumlin beyond, and felt tears sting her eyes. When the world broke and dusk grew too long, the sun swallowing itself and all around it, when her bones were a memory, when those memories split like atoms and died along with all light and heat, when the universe became still and dark, she would be gone and not even her mistakes would remain. And you could not fight for that–you did not need to–it was inevitable. Was there a way to take a life and justify it on the bedrock of your reality?
The truth was, she had not fought for anything. Glory was a lie, power was a lie, Riparia was a lie, a lie that consumed, a lie that was never fed, but ate, and ate, and ate. Or maybe she had fought for something intangible and fragmented as fire; childhood was like that; full of things hovering unsaid, and your way of seeing the world was a ghost overlaying reality. And Swash had been such a stupid child; she had questioned nothing–not the despair, not the choked off sentences, not the need for war, not the loss of history, not the woman erasing and effacing and manufacturing that loss–Aviss was like a glacier, making the world–and then came the Front, came the cavalry, came her childish hopes and dreams melting, dissolving, the wood of her shield liquid, the metal of her sword frayed fire in her hand, and the whole world warped, warped, warped, as the sun shone overhead.
12. did you enjoy any compulsory high school readings? I genuinely loved many of them...A Separate Peace and All Quiet on the Western Front come to mind. But tbh that should have been an indication to me that I was gay because both of them are insanely homoerotic and I always sought out war stories and stories of boarding schools due to them being homoerotic fkjhsdjhkfsdkjd
15. recommend and review a book. I just read Confessions of the Fox by Jordy Rosenberg and I am obsessed with it...it is about a professor who finds a mysterious manuscript that is the life story and confessions of famous thief Jack Sheppard. We get to know both Jack and the Professor because the prof annotates the manuscript and includes bits of his life's story. Their lives are intertwined in a weird way. It's so gay, I cannot recommend it enough.
20. what are things you look for in a book? oh good question! I look for prose and compelling characters. I will read 400 pages of nonsense for a compelling character. Characters are just as if not more important than plot for me. I also enjoy when the writer has an undeniable style. Also, while I'm being picky, if it's first person pov then I want the pov to be unique. That's one of the reasons I'm a bit tired of romance and YA...there's a lot of similar first person povs that all feel the same 😔
maple - is there a hobby / skill that you’ve always wanted to try but never did? - there are a lot! I actually would love to learn how to quilt! but I do not know how to sew, so this is a long term goal
orchard - share one thing that you’d like to happen this autumn - i would very much like to go to a pumpkin patch! and bring Piper. when I was back east I went to a corn maze and I really enjoyed it.
bonfire - describe your dream house - haha great question! my husband and i are actually very interested in the tiny house movement. we would like a lot of natural light (skylights!!), a big kitchen, a bathroom with a full sized tub, and a lot of plants. ideally we'd have a main living space and then a separate home office space, and then maybe a maker's space/shop, all connected by a big porch. we'd love to do solar and a composting toilet, idk about rainwater catchment. it's just more sustainable, and since it's smaller spaces it is cheaper to build. the trick is having it be designed to exactly fit your needs, and if we build it ourselves that won't be an issue. I've been researching the legality of tiny homes where I live and our best bet is to buy some land and then build these spaces ourselves on a fixed foundation as opposed to having it be on a trailer. it would be so cool to have a bunch of friends in tiny houses around us tbh, and have a big fenced yard for Piper to run around in!
I really wanted to explore a couple concepts in the Swash prequel. what if the best swordsman in the kingdom was a grizzled butch? what if the experience of war means she's now extremely messy interpersonally and does reckless stuff? what's her mental health like? why does Swash not become heir to the throne? what makes her get out of it--and does she do it subconsciously or was it a conscious decision?
also most importantly: what if swash meets a traumatized little kid and teaches them how to make themself safe? and what does this mean for perpetuating or not perpetuating cycles of trauma and violence? it's fun because in the time's shroud novel/series, which is set almost 20 years later, she's the main character's guardian, she's married, and much more put together, where as in this prequel she's an absolute wreck. it's also fun because she's much more of a Good Guy in the time's shroud series but in this...charcoal gray is the color of House Swash for a reason 🥰
5. Do you have any writing superstitions? What are they and why are they 100% true?
it’s a personal thing really but if i don’t write down an idea i just had and actually build it into a WIP, even if bad, before a week i won’t get any other chance to do it and i’ll lose an idea since my brain like ??? forgets ??? so basically watch me type furiously on my phone at 3am or in the shower (save me)
11. Do you believe in the old advice to “kill your darlings?” Are you a ruthless darling assassin? What happens to the darlings you murder? Do you have a darling graveyard? Do you grieve?
okay i actually had to search up for the term because i’m not familiar with it and YES, i do kill my darlings, but at the same time i keep them hidden. like, i completely forget about them and keep them so hidden i think i removed them, but if i search deep down the darlings are there, mostly like a graveyard you could say. some darlings reincarnate, some burn in hell because they’re bitches (the last darling i decided to brutally murder is Captain Rigby, bye sweetheart 🥰). and i don’t really grieve when i murder them because i forget, but when i find them again and deem them suitable for WIPs yeah, i grieve. i get upset and ask myself how could i be such a bitch
25. What is a weird, hyper-specific detail you know about one of your characters that is completely irrelevant to the story?
just one detail? oh man…Alice absolutely hates mustard yellow, but could give mustard yellow blankets a chance to be displayed on her bed, but just on her bed. not her pillows, not her bed sheets. just blankets. her room is literally of any color possible and yet she can’t stand mustard yellow
@fey-dancer: [...] I have one question: Esen had thought about this. Had Esen thought about this???
Yes 😈 welcome to more director’s commentary, I’ll put this under a cut since it includes part of the sex scene. I’ll include the set up so again, long haha
“Alright,” he murmured as he bent to kiss Ouyang. “We’ll keep it on.”
Relief made Ouyang feel like he was floating as Esen kissed him again, as he pulled the tie from Ouyang’s hair, as he ran a hand down Ouyang’s chest. Esen’s touch was as gentle and exploratory as the slow flood of light at dawn. [I wanted to invoke light as representing purity and heaven bc Ouyang loves Esen so much] Like the Yao River, the terrible longing Ouyang had been burying for over a decade burst its dam. [Sex/love/longing/bodies/gender is violent] He undid the ties to Esen’s robe with shaking hands and began to pull it apart.
Esen’s body was beautiful; perfect; whole. [Whole = perfect] Ouyang clamped down hard on the part of himself that would compare them. [Ouyang is a self made surveillance state. We all are, but the way he’s gendered by society means he is constantly comparing himself to both men and women.] Instead he touched Esen as Esen was touching him: the line of Esen’s jaw, the muscular column of his neck, flat planes of his chest, the hair on his lower stomach, the hollow of his hip. [Wanted to invoke secondary sex characteristics here but also make it clear Ouyang is very attracted to Esen] Ouyang wished for cold distance but instead there was a terrible swelling of emotion inside of him. [Not just longing for Esen but longing and grief for this body] He shut his eyes against it as Esen drew him close and kissed the hinge of his jaw and then his cloth covered shoulder. [Esen just kisses Ouyang a lot lmao because it’s what he knows how to do!]
Ouyang could not make his shaking hands go lower. Instead he reversed course. When he touched the flat disc of one nipple Esen smiled against Ouyang’s mouth. [Esen is aware this is Ouyang’s first time and that Ouyang doesn’t know what to do. I wrote Ouyang has being so repulsed by his own body that he hasn’t explored it]
“Feels good,” Esen murmured indulgently, and in a perverse kind of mirroring, touched Ouyang’s nipple through the fabric of his robe.
The silk against his skin was sensuous—illicit—and thin enough that he could feel Esen’s calluses. [Illicit is doing a lot of work here. Sensation = bad] It woke something unfamiliar in Ouyang, something that could not be pinned down for his examination. [He’s turned on] He felt his brow furrow as he reached for it, leaning into Esen’s hand despite the debasement of the touch.
“Yes,” Esen’s voice was low and intimate. [Esen is sort of relieved because he doesn’t know what he’s doing] He brought his free hand to Ouyang’s other nipple, and the drag of the silk against his skin made that thing inside him ripple and rise, but it remained out of reach. [The feeling of silk against bare skin is incredibly luxurious so I wanted to invoke that sensuous feeling; this is kind of like sensation play] His inability to grasp it was painful, and for a moment Ouyang despaired. It wasn’t enough to be close to Esen like this. His want, which he’d carefully ignored for sixteen years, was a boundless depth inside of him. [It’s not just want for Esen but to be whole]
Esen’s touch was firmer now, a luxuriant drag down Ouyang’s torso, to his waist, and then lower. Ouyang tensed but Esen did not seem to notice, kissing him instead. It was a dirty kiss, openly hungry and demanding. [Esen is into him] There wasn’t enough oxygen between them. Ouyang’s thoughts were slow and confused as Esen dragged his hand down Ouyang’s thigh, then lower, until he was rucking up the skirt of Ouyang’s robe. The fabric made a rustling sound as Esen clenched it in one fist and dragged it up, firelight spilling over Ouyang’s legs. [The robe is very much a participant in the sex scene, I wanted to make sure it was always present since it’s Ouyang’s armor] But Esen didn’t look down, just kept kissing him. [Esen is aware it’s Ouyang’s armor and doesn’t want to do anything that will make them stop. I also think he genuinely doesn’t want to see Ouyang’s scar because he loves Ouyang so much but he also doesn’t want to think his father was wrong...I think Esen’s lack of perspective to Ouyang is because he was also traumatized by what happened and he can’t face the fact that “”Justice/father”” hurt Ouyang so terribly, also cannot face the idea that Ouyang is duty bound to betray him He can’t view Ouyang as a whole, complex person because not only is Esen a bit simple emotionally but because he cannot do any dialectical thought re: his own father, his own society, etc]
Then Esen’s hand was under the skirt of the robe, fingertips splayed across the muscle of Ouyang’s thigh. [I believe the last time Ouyang was touched here was probs the castration] Ouyang felt the great familiar stillness of anticipating battle, the one that judged the closing distance as a mounted rider came galloping towards him. [He’s in fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode, specifically freeze. Trauma response] He had no sword and no defense against the feeling of Esen’s hand against his skin. [No armor against sensation!! He doesn’t want to feel what he doesn’t have & what he can’t have. Ouyang knows this will be the only time] Esen’s touch was fleeting, first on his lower thigh, then upper, then high on the inside and rising higher to that unfamiliar land between hip and mutilation. [Forbidden territory] Ouyang couldn’t speak. [Trauma response] The fire seemed to recoil from him anew. [Yeah the ghosts of his ancestors are def there and he’s def aware of that]
But Esen didn’t touch the scar, just hugged the inner curve of Ouyang’s thigh and then slid back, until he was touching a new borderland: the soft, tender place between scar and opening. [Esen does not want to interact with the scar. Esen heads right to the perineum, where the internal base of the dick is. It can be stimulated that way] Suddenly Ouyang could breathe again. It was an inconsequential place, a place Ouyang had carefully never had the opportunity to notice. [Again I wanted to make it clear that Ouyang has never explored his body] It was difficult to notice it now instead of his dread. But Esen rubbed at it with callused fingers, at the natural seam there, and almost unwillingly Ouyang turned his attention to it. [There is a natural seam here and the internal structure of the dick is here, cis men typically have large perineums due to testosterone so I wasn’t sure Ouyang would. Poetic liberties.]
Esen pressed down. A narrow line of sensation came to life inside of him, vibrating like a plucked string. [Like the terrible/wonderful connection between him and Zhu. I wanted his desire to be almost uncanny to him]
“Can you feel that? Does it feel good?”
It was a feeling so sharp and alien he almost said no. Instead Ouyang nodded. [Huge moment of vulnerability here]
Esen’s eyes crinkled as he smiled in pleasure and satisfaction, those tiny crescents appearing on each side of his mouth. Esen had thought about this. [YES Esen DID think about this, has spent an enormous amount of time trying to figure out what he and Ouyang could even do together. The Esen POV fic I scrapped had Esen thinking about it a lot. He basically concluded that men wouldn’t fuck if it didn’t feel good, also did some body exploration to see what Ouyang may or may not feel. I think Esen wouldn’t read gay poetry or know a lot about the passion of the cut sleeve because he can only read Mongolian but I think he’s probably heard stuff in the army, all of his gay knowledge comes from crude talk in the army (and what ppl may have said to him about him & Ouyang) but you know, ppl brag, thus he had to do some exploration re: the perineum to find out for himself. Also Ouyang is like, yes, I made Esen happy, yay] Ouyang did not know if the feeling piercing him was love or despair. Was he a territory to be conquered? [I wanted to evoke that struggle between his nanren and Mongolian identity and the Yuan view of gender, but also remind ppl that the Mongolians conquered China and colonized his ppl---is this the only way Esen knows how to love and how to see? Does Esen view Ouyang’s body as his for the taking?] The alternative, like the longing inside of him, was inchoate. It hurt. [Unreliable narrator, it’s not inchoate, he just cannot bear to face these complex gender feelings] He wanted to go back to just a few moments ago, to marveling at the sweetness of Esen’s touch and attention. [He hates himself so much he’s so surprised Esen is touching him like this] It meant Ouyang did not resist when Esen drew him close again, pressing his fingers against Ouyang’s skin. The sensation sparked again. It was as if his body was coming awake. [learning to accept sensation...] For a moment he was fully inside of it, warmth flowing through him. Ouyang took a deep breath and moved into Esen’s hand. The feeling began to grow. [Now that he’s not grappling with it or holding it at arm’s length the sensation is good, his body is not the enemy, he is not dissociated from it, he owns it the way he hasn’t owned it since he was castrated and made a slave]
ahhh yay :) thank you fey! ok i'm putting this under a cut because it's pretty long. It starts right after Ouyang lays the bait for Esen to distrust Baoxiang and ends right before sex starts happening.
Ouyang kept silent. The truth burned his throat. He focused on scratching his mare’s neck. Her winter coat was shedding, slowly revealing the truth of the creature underneath. [I wanted this to be a very oblique reference to Ouyang himself, shedding his Mongolian identity and loyalty while simultaneously invoking his own self loathing re: being a eunuch and how that was like being an animal. I found it interesting that Esen's fav horse is a representation of Ouyang himself--not only is he a gelding, he dies right before Ouyang is going to the next, horrible stage of his plan. In my research I read that in the Yuan dynasty mares were prized above stallions and gelding, so I thought Esen giving Ouyang a mare was really interesting]
“He’s my brother,” Esen said again, more quietly this time. He sounded distracted. [He's super fucking distracted by how revealing Ouyang saying you act like I chose this life was. Esen is literally re-assessing his entire life/pursuit of Ouyang in light of this, since he thought Ouyang would never love him.] With any luck he was nourishing the seed of doubt Ouyang had planted.
It meant that his work was done, but Ouyang couldn’t make himself leave. [He knows his days with Esen are numbered] Instead he stood and petted his horse in silence for a long time. The moon moved slowly overhead, and the shadows of the horses slowly shifted to engulf the two of them. [hidden and shielded by their war horses/war life] It was a relief to be hidden so; being bathed in the silvery moonlight had been like standing in a river of ghosts. [SPC constantly invokes ghosts in Ouyang's POV to indicate that on some level he knows his ancestors are haunting him and that's partially why I think he carried out his plan. I wanted this little reminder to the reader for the next line:]
Ouyang let himself glance at Esen’s handsome profile. [It's safer to look directly at Esen now they're hidden/in shadow.] Esen’s bearded face was as smooth as ever, but Ouyang knew him well enough to know emotions were raging beneath the supposed serenity. [Esen is upset over his dad and brother but he's also internally losing his shit over the prospect that Ouyang pushes him away because he feels he must. But of course Esen doesn't really interrogate where that 'must' comes from other than because Ouyang is an eunuch (and why?? why is he a eunuch Esen?? quickly!!)] He felt a familiar ache, and as he looked at Esen it grew in intensity until it was all he could do to breathe through the pain of it.
But when he turned to go, Esen spoke. “I would keep you close always.” [I needed Esen to be direct, I needed him to make the first move, but I also needed to make it clear he's not thinking about the power dynamics between them, because Ouyang is something he's always wanted and Ouyang has always refused, so he thinks Ouyang has power here.]
Ouyang froze. Where before there had been a seething tangle of emotions inside of him, now there was nothing. He was blank with shock. [While I was writing this I wasn't sure if Ouyang knew of Esen's feelings or not. I think subconsciously he does but he's in denial/doesn't think Esen truly loves him.]
“You always push me away.” Esen’s voice was rough. “Why?”
Ouyang shut his eyes. He hated Esen for asking this question, tonight on all nights; he hated that the closer he got to Esen, the more painful the remaining distance was. [I actually first happened upon this idea when I was writing this scene from Esen's pov, because he constantly tries to keep Ouyang close and Ouyang constantly evades him, they are never close enough. The perfect tragedy of these two is that they both feel this way.] The humiliation of why, of having to say it aloud, burned.
“You know why.” Even to his own ears his voice was full of pain. [is Ouyang referring to his embodiment or is Ouyang referring to his filial duty? I kept it vague on purpose so it would fit with canon] It layered more humiliation on the knot of shame and longing that lay behind his breastbone. Ouyang took his shame and focused on it until it turned to insulating rage. Was it not enough for him to give Esen sixteen years of his life?
“Ouyang,” Esen whispered. Suddenly Ouyang knew his rage would not protect him. [He does this constantly in the book. His emotions act as a shield]
He couldn’t move. He couldn’t breathe. [Ouyang is scared.] Then he heard Esen’s footsteps in the grass. Bitter pride made him keep his eyes open and his head held high as Esen stopped in front of him. [I wanted to invoke the scene where he and Zhu meet at Biangliang.] It was terrible to meet Esen’s gaze, terrible to know he was not alone in wanting something impossible, and the pain made his breathing speed up as Esen lifted a reverent hand to his cheek. [They're both having very different moments here. Esen is elated.] The debasement of that touch was agonizing. [Ouyang's feelings are insanely electric and he is so alive with sensation even though he desperately wants to be numb. I wanted this to be agonizing because 1) despite it being humiliating, he wants it. he's the type of masochist that has a humiliation kink 2) he knows it cannot be real 3) he is betraying his family] But Ouyang knew this expression; Esen’s barely parted lips, the crinkling smile of his eyes. It was as familiar as Esen’s smell. [Esen looks at Ouyang like this the first scene we meet him in; it's a look of fondness and desire]
There, surrounded by their horses beneath the moon, Esen kissed him. Like all things between them it was bittersweet. Ouyang was very still. He neither fought the kiss or moved into it. It felt like heat was flowing into him from Esen’s body, heat that made him gasp and begin to kiss Esen back. [I wanted this to be consensual! I wanted it to be good for Ouyang! He says every girl leaves him cold when visiting the Zhangs and I took that to mean he's super fucking gay because the way he describes men is like. very sexual lmao. But I also know lacking a source of testosterone would affect his sex drive. I did so much research on that and then literally had to take poetic liberties to make the fic work]
Esen stepped closer, his ceremonial cuirass creaking against Ouyang’s silk robe, and drew Ouyang against him. He was so much bigger than Ouyang was, something which usually made Ouyang burn with shame, but now there was seductive pleasure unfurling inside of him as he tipped his head back. [For Ouyang, no positive bodily sensation can be trusted] When Esen sank a hand into his hair and pulled, Ouyang couldn’t stop the noise he made. Was this how Esen kissed his wives? [Ouyang wants access to that tender, private side of Esen] The pain of this question, of the hoped for answer, hurt worse than anything before. [I purposefully did not indicate what answer Ouyang hoped for because I think he himself doesn't fully know] The impotent, confused longing swelled inside of him: either to be a man or for the easy domesticity he could have with Esen if he was a woman. [I'm paraphrasing but there's this line in the harem scene where Ouyang longs for Esen and says he doesn't know if the longing was to be or for. The first time I read the book I misunderstood and thought Ouyang longed to be a woman so he could have Esen...because, in his eyes/due to Yuan gender roles his desire for Esen unmans him. It essentially means the same thing as longing to be Esen, the embodiment of perfect masculinity. Of course he doesn't (or won't allow himself to) realize that Esen does want him] The impossibility of both made him wrench free of Esen’s touch, breathing hard. His eyes burned.
“Ouyang.” The tenderness Esen said his name with stung, as did the knowledge that Esen would have never kissed or pursued him if Ouyang had been a man. [2 things going on here. 1) Esen is MASCULINITY to Ouyang. I don't think it's only Ouyang's shame & self loathing that makes him unable to believe Esen wants him. I think he can't bear to admit that maybe gender isn't as black and white as he thought it was. Part of Ouyang is frozen at age 11. His gendered trauma is so extreme he can't let go of that view of the world. 2) But also, I think Ouyang is right, he is acceptable for Esen to want because he's a eunuch.] He couldn’t make himself move away from Esen. Esen’s warm male smell surrounded him, making it difficult to think, as did the way every part of his body longed for Esen’s touch. [Every word I write about these two is written while thinking about the spear wound scene and the kinship of suffering line]
“Come here.”
Ouyang obeyed and felt disgust and relief at the pleasure obeying brought him. [Ouyang is a sub, knows it, loathes it] But the world was more bearable when it was reduced to Esen’s commands. [Ouyang's happiness is not relevant to him. But obeying Esen is easy and he's good at it.] And he wanted to obey, wanted to bring Esen pleasure. The knowledge of what Ouyang must do tomorrow and the pain it would bring Esen made Ouyang want to kneel right there and beg for forgiveness. [He does genuinely love Esen.]
He could not, of course. Instead he stopped close to Esen, tilting his face up. This time, Esen lifted a thumb to Ouyang’s lips. [I think Esen knows what Ouyang wants; I also think he's selfish.] There was heat in his expression, but also curiosity. Was it because Ouyang was a thing to him? Or was it the same curiosity that Ouyang felt about Esen’s body and strange shape? [In a way they're on the same ground here because neither of them understand each other's body and both are very curious]
Esen kissed him again, deeper, rougher, and Ouyang, meaning to push him away, instead drew him closer. [Ouyang is an unreliable narrator. His narration betrays this, just as he betrays his ancestors] He ignored thoughts of his fate, of what would happen if they were discovered, of the humiliation of his body’s impossibilities. Instead he focused on Esen’s callused fingers cupping his face; Esen’s taste; the phantom heat, low; the rough scratch of Esen’s beard against his skin and the way it anchored Ouyang to his body in a way he hadn’t been for a long time. [I really wanted Ouyang to reclaim his body via sex since eunuch implies sex is off the table FOREVER. We get a lot of emotional sensation from Ouyang in the text but very little physical sensation because he's so divorced from his body/refuses to think about it.]
They broke apart again. Esen rested his forehead against Ouyang’s, breathing hard. “Come back to my ger.” His meaning was unmistakable.
Ouyang nodded. He felt divorced from himself, flung out of his mutilated shell the way he had been while kneeling at Chaghan’s feet. His brain was full of a low buzzing. [He's dissociating from himself.] One moment they were across the camp, the next they were in Esen’s cozy ger with the red door shut behind them and all servants dismissed. Ouyang took in the warm orange glow of the far leaning fire and the way the light spilled across the felt carpeted floor so he didn’t have to look at Esen’s face. [The fire is leaning bc the ghosts are still present] But there was no escape from this.
This time, when Esen kissed Ouyang, Ouyang pushed every thought of tomorrow away and kissed him back. He began to fumble with the ties to Esen’s armor as Esen dragged his heated mouth along Ouyang’s jaw. Off came the cuirass and attached skirt, and then Esen drew Ouyang even closer, kissing the spot under his ear, then a path down his neck and throat. He untied Ouyang’s outer robe, pushing the mass of verdant silk off of Ouyang’s shoulders. But when Esen reached for the ties of Ouyang’s pale inner robe, Ouyang stilled.
“No.” [I knew before i started writing this that Ouyang would need to keep his clothes on since we literally get a scene of him commanding his servants to remove the mirror from his bathing chamber :(]
The shadows cast by the fire moved slowly over Esen’s face, obscuring his expression. Was it one of sadness? Pity? Relief? “Will you not let me give you this?” [I wanted it to be ambiguous; if Ouyang saw Esen's expression clearly I don't think sex would have happened]
Ouyang burned with humiliation. He couldn’t speak. However close they were, that distance remained. It was a river he could not ford.
Lord Wang thought everyone but himself a simpleton, but Esen wasn’t one. He took one of the lapels of Ouyang’s robe between two fingers and regarded it, then nodded. [Esen does love Ouyang and does want to respect his wishes but I think it would be ooc for him to do any kind of body worship or argue with the idea that being a eunuch is shameful. Ouyang is clearly an exception for him--how much Ouyang is an exception bc it lets Esen be gay in a socially acceptable way, I don't know]
“Alright,” he murmured as he bent to kiss Ouyang. “We’ll keep it on.”
