;decalcomania 2. (m)
{gif credit}
no matter how hard you both try, the past will never return
pairing; jeon jungkook x reader genre/warnings; angst, mature content, cheating mentions words; 2,920
listen to; all of my life
“Hey.”
Jungkook didn’t like the tone of your voice. It unsettled him immediately, a sick feeling swirling around in his gut. Your sad smile just made it worse. He didn’t miss the way your bottom lip trembled.
You were stood in the kitchen, beside the table and he’d just got in from work. If he was being honest with himself, he had known something was wrong as soon as he’d walked through the door. On the days you weren’t working late at your own job, you were usually in the living room come the evenings, catching up on the local news. Despite everything – despite what you’d been through – you were always there to greet him. Not today though.
He glanced around the room, his mouth dry, and caught sight of something beside you. A luggage case. His heart sunk – no – dropped out of his chest, only to crack in two, his legs starting to tremble not long after, as if the floor was collapsing underneath him. But when he tried to speak, it felt like he was drowning, trying his best to keep afloat. “Please... Don’t...” he managed to whisper, voice hoarse, painful, as if he’d swallowed thorns.
You took a step towards him, eyes silently begging him. “Jungkook, we need to accept it’s over.” You sounded as if you were about to burst into tears at any given moment, voice barely there. “It was over a long time ago, we’ve just been too scared to admit it.”
He was aware his breathing was getting louder, faster, close to hyperventilating and he sounded shrill when he fought back. “I don’t want it to be over!” This couldn’t be happening. He didn’t want to accept it. He couldn’t accept it. No matter how correct your words were, he just couldn’t do it. Not even now, reality here, sucker punching him square in the gut.
Last night you had cried in his arms after he’d made love to you. He’d held you carefully and repeated the same two words over and over again. I’m sorry. It took him a while before he realised he was crying too. Thick, ugly sobs that tore at his throat, distorted his apologies. He didn’t sound like himself. He hadn’t cried in months. Not since the day you’d given him hope. Let him back into your life.
He was a fool. How had he managed to kid himself yet again? Each night he fell asleep with the fear it was your last night together. Each night for weeks, months. Each day he woke up, went to work and then came home with the same uneasy feeling in his gut. It was only a matter of time. A matter of time before you realised you couldn’t do this any longer.
Last night he had convinced himself today would be that day, but then your crying had eased, no noise yet your tears still streamed, and your lips found his, stilling each of his sobs, kissing away his pain and self-hatred. You hated to see him cry, he remembered you telling him that once. When you were young, unknowing of what the future held for you both. Your kiss had turned frantic then. It swallowed him whole, until he was no longer crying, but moaning softly as you lowered yourself down on him. It was your turn to make love to him. It had been so long since he’d felt this amount of love from you. The way you touched him, it made him feel alive again. It made him think that everything would be oaky again...
He had still felt the same way this morning, when he’d woken up naked with you in his arms. He hadn’t wanted to wake you because you were sleeping so soundly. The way you’d squeezed him tighter as he slipped away, needing to shower, made things difficult, but he’d told himself that tonight you’d be back in arms. He’d kissed your forehead before he left, a fond smile on his face. You looked so beautiful, so carefree, as if he hadn’t put you through hell these past few months.
He’d gone through today thinking you both stood a chance. That things were changing for the better. Now he saw the cold, hard truth. Last night had been your goodbye. You’d been crying because you knew come tomorrow everything would change. It had been your last night together, and in that moment, everything had been as perfect as it could be. As it once had been…
Yes, he was a fool. And now he would pay for it. He had been paying for it ever since he’d fallen into another woman’s bed. He would pay for it for the rest of his life.
“It’s not about what we want, Jungkook,” you urged him to understand. Deep down he did, but he couldn’t stop fighting. It was etched in him too deep by now, and he’d always been stubborn.
“I love you.” He strode forward, large hands wrapping around your shoulders, and he shook you slightly, desperate to make you understand. “I love you so much. I can’t imagine my life without you. Ple-ease.” Throat dry, his voice broke at the last word. He swallowed, trying not to choke.
“Stop it!” You twisted in his grip, and he tried to hold onto you. He couldn’t lose you. He just couldn’t. Your hands fumbled together as you tried to get him to listen until he felt you clutch at his tightly. He stopped finally, your warmth soothing him almost. Easing him.
“You can’t do this to me. It’s already hard enough.”
You were begging him, not angry, but just worn out. Worn down to the bone. Your eyes brimmed with tears as you looked at him. You were fighting really hard not to cry. To keep your voice strong. For you. For him. For you both. The sickening feeling of guilt washed over him. He was no stranger to it, yet it knocked him for six each time.
“Don’t you understand that I love you, too?” you carried on. There were still no tears, but you sounded beside yourself. “I love you with all my heart, but it’s not enough, Jungkook. It’s not enough…”
Jungkook’s heart broke hearing those words. It had been a long time since he’d heard a simple I love you. He didn’t blame you, it was hard to say the words after what he’d done to you. It was an odd feeling, to hear the words he’d longed for, yet know they did not change a thing. Love didn’t change a thing. Love wasn’t enough.
“Everything’s changed. Everything’s different,” you whispered.
“I’m so sorry.”
That’s all he could manage. What more could he possibly say? Nothing would ever make it right. Words were all he had left.
You smiled at him sympathetically, eyes gentle as you slipped your fingers between his, squeezing him tight. “I know you are.” No matter how much you believed him, it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. “But it can’t change anything, Jungkook. You know that.” He did. “We can’t keep living like this.” He knew that too.
A chill ran through his body as you broke away from him, slipping your hands apart, making distance between your bodies. “You’re different to me now. I see you differently. I don’t want to, but I do.”
Jungkook felt like he was no longer breathing. Frozen, broken, empty. Deep down he knew how you felt, he just hadn’t wanted to admit it to himself. He had no choice now that he’d heard you say it out loud. He looked at you sincerely. “If I could take that night back, I would. In a heartbeat.” You needed to know how much he regretted it. Cheating on you was the worst mistake he’d ever made. The worst mistake of his life.
You tilted your head to the side, your eyes filled with pity. For him. He hated it. You shouldn’t pity him. He deserved nothing. “I think maybe we were over long before that.”
“Don’t,” he muttered. Anger flared through his entire body. “Don’t make excuses for me!” He was aware his voice was rising, but he couldn’t help it. You flinched at the volume, and Jungkook grew frustrated at himself. Even more angry at himself. “Don’t try to make me feel better!” He lifted his hands behind his head and turned his back to you, looking up, begging to someone. Anyone who would listen.
“Jungkook,” you called out to him gently. Your voice was like a beacon, guiding him through the storm that raged in his mind.
He dropped his head into his hands, whimpering in frustration. “If I hadn’t slept with someone else, we would’ve been okay after that argument.”
He should’ve stayed with Jimin, drowned his sorrows with his best friend and then passed out. He should’ve woken up with the hangover from hell, thrown up into the pan and then felt that buzz in his pocket. The buzz that signalled a text from you. Telling you how much you were sorry and how badly you wanted to sort things out. He would’ve sprinted all the way to you, into your arms, and told you how much he loved you and how he would never let you go.
Everything would’ve been okay. Everything would’ve worked out.
Jungkook felt your hand on his shoulder, gently shaking him. Everything would’ve been okay. Everything would’ve worked out. Everything would’ve been okay. Everything would’ve worked out. He was repeating it out loud, losing his goddamn mind.
“Jungkook, come on. Shhh, please be quiet,” you soothed. But it wouldn’t work. He couldn’t concentrate on you. He couldn’t make it work because he knew you wouldn’t be there for him after today.
“Please, Jungkook...”
You were begging him now, voice choking up. You were crying. The realisation hit him like a tonne of bricks. He couldn’t make you cry again. He spun around, heart shattering at the image of you. Your trembling bottom lip, pleading eyes. Your tear-stained cheeks. He was hurting you yet again. He never wanted that. He needed to make it better. If he spent his whole life making it up to you, he would.
“Please,” he whispered, stepping closer. “Please just can’t we try one last time?” His voice was hoarse, thick and warbled. He was crying too. He’d only just realised. You were crying because he was. You let him cup your face, you whimpered as he did so, pushing into his touch. “Please. I’m begging you. I love you so fucking much.”
He kissed you desperately amongst the pleas. You tried to fight it at first, his name falling from your mouth but then he felt your hands on his, clutching him to you tightly. You kissed him back. He could feel your tears against his palms, see them caught in your eyelashes as he pulled back to beg you even more.
“We can get it all out right now. You can shout at me all you like. I’ll take it. I deserve it!” He implored. “You’ll feel better then. Please.”
You’d never really gotten your anger out, that was the problem, he was sure. If you would just yell at him, shake him, hate him, just for one evening. If you just let yourself feel all those negative emotions instead of bottling them up, he was sure you’d be okay. You’d both be okay.
Your eyes roved over his features, unsure now. He panicked. He was losing you. He couldn’t lose you. “It’ll be a fresh slate,” he continued, hands moving to your hips, and he pulled you close. “Please–” He tried to kiss you again.
“Jungkook, stop.” you demanded, breaking away. You stared at him as he stood there pathetically, the fight inside him deflating. “It won’t change anything.”
That’s when you began to sob quietly, head in your hand, shoulders hunched. He had ruined you. This is what he’d done. This was what you had to put up with now. What you’d put up with for months.
“I don’t trust you anymore. I can’t trust you.” you told him quietly. “And I can’t forgive you. I can’t forgive you for what you did. I really fucking want to, but I can’t!”
You sniffed loudly and wiped your face, trying to pull yourself together. Jungkook let your words sink in. There really was no going back from this. You’d both been lying to yourselves and now this was the outcome.
Your voice was even when you spoke again. You’d collected yourself, told yourself you needed to be strong. “I thought I could, but I can’t, and without forgiveness, I can’t forget.”
His vision was blurred, tears trapped, unable to fall anymore. His worst nightmare was coming true. His worst nightmare was a living hell.
“Jungkook, this isn’t healthy. You know that. We can’t be together anymore, no matter how much we want it.”
Jungkook wiped his face and coughed to clear his throat. He needed to pull himself together. If not just for you. There was nothing else to do but agree. “I know.” You spoke sense. Your relationship wasn’t healthy. You were breaking one another down.
Silence fell over you both. When all was said and done that was all you had left. Silence. It had been quiet for a few months. A lack of joy and laughter. A lack of comfort, a lack of love. Jungkook felt so empty he could blow away with one single breath.
He watched you grab the handle of the case and wheel it forward. “I’m going to stay with my sister for a while. Until we work out what to do with this place.”
“Wait, what?” Jungkook puzzled. He’d thought the case was his. He stepped forward, hand out. “No, I should be the one to leave. Not you!”
“Jungkook, it’s fine,” you told him. “The truth is I can’t stay here anymore. Everywhere just reminds me of you. Of us...” You were gentle as you let him know. Firm, yet gentle. “I can’t live here anymore.”
He tried to ignore the stab in his heart. “What will you tell her?” You had kept his betrayal to yourself this whole time. He didn’t know if it was for his sake or yours. He didn’t think he’d ever get to find out.
You looked at your feet, sounding guilty. “She already knows the truth. I told her yesterday.” You looked up again, meeting his eyes. “I’ve been keeping it a secret for so long, I hope you understand.”
Of course he did. He would never hold that against you. But yet, it all made sense. Why you’d finally had the courage to leave him. Why last night had been exactly that, the last night. Together. He wondered if your sister hated him now? He deserved it. He deserved your whole family hating him if you decided to tell them all.
“She told me Minsung will love having his auntie around 24/7,” you carried on, making yourself laugh. It sounded forced and awkward, as if you were desperate to keep the mood light. As if you both hadn’t been crying just a few minutes ago.
The ache in his chest was getting worse. Getting harder to ignore. Stab after stab began, just to join the heavy pain inside his rib cage. It was all getting too much again. He couldn’t breathe. He was drowning again. Imagining you living your life somewhere else away from him. Imagining your little nephew who’d called him uncle since he was old enough to talk. He would never be a part of your family again. That connection was severed, and that reality seemed too much to handle.
He imagined not seeing you every day, seeing your smile or hearing your voice, your laugh. That was the last nail in the coffin. His legs began to wobble again, the floor was falling beneath his feet.
“I can’t do this,” he exclaimed suddenly, turning around, away from you again, “I’m sorry.” He wanted to slam his fists into the wall, so filled with rage he was shaking. So filled with despair he was trembling. Instead, he pressed his palms against it and took a deep breath, closing his eyes to stop himself from crying again.
His whole life was changing in an instant. Tomorrow he had to wake up as normal, carry on as normal. He had no other choice. And so did you.
He heard you walk forward, warmth engulfing him as you wrapped your arms around his middle, hugging yourself to the back of him. You pressed the side of your face into his shoulder and inhaled softly. “I love you,” you murmured. “I want you to be happy, Jungkook. I want us both to be happy.”
I love you too, he thought to himself, but he couldn’t say it out loud. He’d only start begging again, and besides, like he already knew, love wasn’t enough. Not now. Instead, he straightened his back, letting his hands slide of the wall to grip yours clasped tightly around him. He squeezed softly, silently agreeing with you. All he wanted was for you to be happy. He understood that would only happen without him in your life now.
You stood there for a while, connected one last time. The loneliest souls in the world. “I’ll miss you,” he whispered, feeling hollow inside. He’d miss you forever.
You took a shaky breath. “I’ll always miss you.”
Written 2019-20. Reworked/Edited 2021 Please refrain from posting my work elsewhere. No translations allowed. © floralseokjin 2021