An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
Christian was very good at gentling spooked horses.
It was something of a surprise, for an alpha to have such a calm gentle touch - or so said Geri. She’d looked at the way he handled her favourite mare and decided then and there that she would allow him to mate her.
“After all, if he can handle wild horses, I figured he could probably handle a redhead omega,” she joked at their wedding.
So when McLaren took Daniel out back with a shotgun, Christian found himself deciding that this was one spooked horse he could rehabilitate.
No christmas fic for you guys, sorry! But if you want to read a Christmassy one I would recommend this one by Ficster28. If you want to read something by me my favourites are What We Are, It Was Just Lust and Metres Away but Miles Apart. Enjoy and have a great day!
You're probably not even reading this, but here goes anyway.
Really, I just wanted to thank you for what you have contributed to the phandom. All of your wonderful fics, not to mention the Phandom Big Bang.
You are kind of an inspiration to me in the world of fic writing, and I think yours are the first phanfictions I ever read and actually thought that they were literally good enough to be published. Since then I have read others, but you were the first, and so hold a special place in my heart.
I've read most, if not all, of the fics you've put on that account, but ALOAS is my favourite not just because of it's outstanding writing, but because of how important it is with the issues it deals with.
What is your favorite fluffy or smutty phanfic you've written or read and can u send me a link please xxxxxx :3
As for fluff, my favourite thing that I've written myself is Six Times Phil Made Dan Blush and One Time He Didn't, favourite that I've read is one without a proper name that I like to refer to as the Bath/Surgery Fic (Catchy, I know), written by ficster28.
I haven't written any smut, but my favourite smut fic that I've read is An Experiment Gone Right, by Phansomedevil.
I also have more fics that I would definitely recommend reading over on my rec list, which you can check out if you want.
I'm honoured that you even care about my opinion, to be honest, and I hope you enjoy reading! :)
“Phil is a terrible actor. From the very earliest days of appearing in school plays, it was clear that if you gave him a line to say, he would say it in the most staged way possible, facing the audience, booming the line out without inflection or tone. He got better as he grew up (because it would be impossible to get worse), and he made appearances in various of his friends’ short films, but never with a speaking role.
‘No offence, mate, but you’re the worst liar in the world,’ said one guy who tried giving him a line and then took it away again.
Ah, but that’s the thing. Phil is a terrible actor, but his lying? Well, no one’s caught him out yet.”
- - -
Phil played a Shepard in his school nativity when he was in year two. His robes were a faded orange and smelt a little of sweat, but Phil had never been more happy to stumble across stage in clothes that were too big for him, an inflatable sheep tucked under his arm. Of course, he was fine mouthing along to the song, and he was fine trekking across the desert (stage) to see baby Jesus (Annabel's baby born), but when he had to deliver his line, he dropped his sheep-causing Joseph, his inappropriately named Shepard friend, to gasp-and took a step forward, so he was centre stage. He locked eyes with his mum in the back row, who seemed to be hiding her face in embarrassment for what was to come, and delivered his line
"I hope the baby Jesus likes our gifts of sheep." He delivered the line like he was telling someone they had a bit of food around their mouth; there was not an ounce of emotion to be heard. A kid in year two giggled, and a parent coughed. Phil didn't move until one of the other Shepards pulled him back into place.
Needless to say, Phil was not casted a part the next year.
(He couldn't say that he was particularly wanting another one after that, and it didn't help that now, every christmas, his mum would remind him of the catastrophe.)
- - -
2009
"Repeat after me."
"Ok."
"Come come you wasp I' faith you are too angry," the words came out of Dan's mouth like he was a professional actor on stage, with the right emotion, the right speed; perfect.
"I want to help you Dan, but I can't act, I can't deliver the lines properly, I stumble, I say them too loudly or too quietly, I don't portray the right emotions-" Phil cut himself off when he saw how Dan was looking at him. "What?"
"You're so gorgeous," he murmured, placing a kiss on Phil's cheek, which the older gladly accepted. "But I'm glad you're a rubbish actor."
"Really?" Phil perked up, because no one had ever said that before. Why would they? It's not a good thing to be a bad actor.
"It means I'll be able to catch you out when you lie to me," Dan grinned, and so did Phil, because his acting skills may be the worst in England-perhaps Europe-but he could lie his way out of situations like there was no tomorrow.
"Now, if you can't help me with this, I'll have to go to a professional," Dan sighed, and Phil felt kind of bad until Dan simply just turned to Bear, Dan's appropriately named teddy bear, and began to practice his lines. Phil burst out laughing and fell back against his best friend, who wrapped his arms around Phil and pecked his forehead.
"Bear probably is better than me though," Phil giggled and Dan hummed in agreement, his eyes drooping closed.
"Come on, I'm ready to hit the hay," Dan whispered, pulling Phil into the bed and snuggling into him for warmth. "Goodnight Phil."
"Night Dan," Phil's eyes fluttered closed and wrapped his arms around Dan, letting them both drift off.
- - -
2011
"Fuck," Dan spat once again, pacing up and down the living room floor once again. Phil looked at the computer screen with an emotionless face, as he had done for the past half an hour that they'd been in the living room for, after stumbling upon a post neither of them ever expected to see again for as long as they lived. "Fuck."
"Saying that isn't gonna help us right now," Phil murmured, regretting saying it the second it left his mouth, as Dan had turned round, his face cold as stone, pointing an accusing finger at Phil.
"What do you want me to do?" He shot back in a harsh whisper, scared that if he raised his voice it'd crack and Phil would realise how close to tears he was. "I can't delete it, I can't tell them to take it down, we may as well just accept that our careers are over now. They know. They know what we used to be. They're going to hate us."
Phil grimaced at the word 'used'. What they used to be. In love. That's what they were, but Dan would never say that. He'd never admit that out loud, and never would Phil; that would just make their old 'fling' (as they sometimes referred to it) a thing. An important thing. Phil sighed, he couldn't do that right now.
"They're not gonna hate us. The reason the video has gone so viral between our fans is because they want us to be together, they're happy about this. Our careers aren't over, Dan." Phil reached out to pull Dan onto the sofa next to him, but he backed away from the older's touch, and Phil tried his best not to look too upset.
"I'll just write a text post," Dan murmured. "I'll tell them we did it as a joke, to try and prank them. That we were gonna leak it on april fools day, but we never got round to doing it. I'll tell them its all fake." He ran a hand through his hair and sighed, leaning down to pick up his computer, but Phil moved it just out of his reach.
"Let yourself calm down a bit, otherwise you'll post it and regret what you say," Phil told him and Dan sighed, but nodded, because he knew Phil was right.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, both of them exhausted from what had happened that day, before Dan spoke again.
"Are you okay with this?" He asked carefully, as though he was stepping through a mine field, waiting for a bomb to go off.
"Okay with my private life being leaked onto the internet for everyone to see, and no way of getting rid of it quickly and easily? No."
"That's not what I meant. Are you okay with the excuse I've come up with?"
Phil sat in silence for a second. No. He wasn't. He wasn't okay with anything that happened between him and Dan anymore, but he was beginning to learn to accept that. "Yeah."
Dan snorted. "You're still the worst actor I've ever met," He stood up and picked up his laptop, making to his room.
"What?" Phil frowned, feeling his stomach drop. Surely he wasn't that obvious..?
"I know you're still in love with me," Dan told him, not turning around to look at Phil, which was probably a good thing as the older's face was now flushed, and he looked in pain about the fact that this conversation was happening.
"Dan-"
"It's fine, we'll talk about it another time." Dan murmured, leaving the room at that.
The topic never came up again.
- - -
2014
"And remember to tune in tomorrow at 8am, to listen to Phil and I play confessions roulette!" Dan smiled at the camera, and they bid their goodbyes before handing over the studio to Aled.
Phil often found himself shocked at how perfect their lives were nowadays. He had over a million subscribers on his ever thriving youtube channels, and he had a radio show. It was the fact that it was with Dan that was the cherry on the top. He was pulled out from his happy thoughts by Dan waving a hand in front of his face.
"Earth to Phil? Come on, we need to film the confessions roulette for tomorrow morning," Dan told him, his cheeks flushed and a big toothy grin on his face. God, if only Phil could travel back in time to tell 2011 Dan and Phil, the boys that were awkward and uncomfortable, still confused about their sexualities and their feelings towards each other, that in 3 years times they'd be living the high life.
The filming for confessions roulette went well; they answered all the questions with things they hoped they hadn't already revealed to their fan base, but things that weren't too personal, and they both left the studio feeling a little giddy from revealing things like how Phil had lost Dan's mario kart game in Derry when they stayed there for the big weekend (something Phil still felt incredibly guilty about) and how Dan had left his straighteners on on Phil's bed for three nights when they went to Reading (something the younger admitted very sheepishly).
They got home just after 10, and neither were tired as they were still buzzing from their post radio high (it shocked them both that they still got that, after so long doing it).
"Shall we order pizza?" Dan asked Phil as they entered their flat, turning on the lights and looking around, as though he was expecting to be someone in there.
"I think we still have some from last night," Phil giggled, looking in the fridge and pulling out the remainder of the two pizzas from the night before, and a coke each. "Put the tv on."
"No," Dan smirked, and Phil frowned, but shrugged. The younger obviously had plans for them, then. "Let's play a game."
"Alright," Phil chuckled, joining Dan on the sofa and crossing his legs, anticipated for what Dan had lined up for them.
"Let's play confessions roulette," Dan said smirking once again.
"But we just did-"
"No, this time we're going to play properly." Phil simply nodded. "You first."
"I don't remember the prompts," Phil tried to excuse himself so he didn't have to go first, but Dan just rolled his eyes.
"Somehow, after all these years, you're still the worst actor I know. I did something stupid. Go."
Phil shuffled in his seat and cleared his throat. "Um, years ago, I went through a stage where I only ate one meal a day, and a very small one at that. I lost more weight than what was healthy, and I have never skipped a meal since, because the experience was terrifying."
Dan gave him a look that made it obvious to Phil that they were going to have to talk about that again soon, but he looked down at his phone for now. Which Phil was grateful for; he couldn't deal with Dan's sympathy for something that happened years ago.
"You do one now," Phil spoke again after a few moments of silence.
"Okay," Dan whispered, "You think I don't know, but I do know. What do you think I'm going to say?" He raised an eyebrow at Phil, and the older prayed that he wasn't blushing.
"I-I don't know," Phil mumbled, looking down at his top. He was pretty sure he knew, but he really hoped he was wrong.
"Phil." Dan was silent after saying the other's name until Phil looked up at him. "You're great and all, but you really need to improve on your acting skills if you think anyone's ever gonna believe you."
Phil shrugged, and looked away from Dan's eyes, the expression in them getting too much to deal with.
"You think I don't know, but I do know this. And I've known it since we met, I've known it since we broke up, fuck, I've known it every single day after that as well. Phil Lester, I know that-"
"Please," Phil whimpered, "you don't have to do this, you don't have to say it and make it awkward between us, I can just carry on pretending-"
"Phil, you'll never be able to hide this from anyone, you're too obvious, and you're too in l-"
"Stop it." Phil begged.
"Phil, you think I don't know that you're head over heels in love with me-"
"No I'm not." He argued weakly.
"But I know. I know." Both the boys sat in silence for a minute or two, Dan waiting for Phil to say something, Phil holding back tears. "My turn again," Dan whispered.
"Dan I don't want to play anymore," Phil choked out, but Dan ignored him.
"I wish I told you. I wish I told you that I'm in love with you too." Phil's head shot up, and Dan flashed him the tiniest smile.
"That's not funny, Dan." Phil frowned. Sure Dan teased him at times, but surely he'd never be mean enough to pull this kind of trick?
"It's not a joke, Phil. I wish I told you years ago, before I broke your heart, but I didn't, so I'm telling you now."
Phil let out a shuddery breath before moving forward on the sofa, until his face was a few centimetres away from Dan's. He looked up into the younger's eyes and saw nothing but passion and love, which Phil could only assume was for him.
The kiss was slow and tense at first, as the boys got to know each other, all over again, but it soon started to pick up, and every touch was filled with happiness and fear of the unknown, and excitement, and just about every other emotion the boys knew how to feel.
Dan was the first to pull away, his breathing slightly faster than before.
"Well that's new," Phil murmured, falling back against his side of the sofa.
Dan giggled, his face flushed from their activities. "That's something I regret not doing years ago." Phil hummed in agreement.
I know I posted about The Mental Lexicon yesterday but today I wanted to talk about a different part of it...
"Queer used to mean odd in Phil’s mental lexicon, and then it meant gay, and now... Now he’s not quite sure, because there’s a move to reclaim it... it has shades of difference but also celebration and above all community, and this is why it’s like learning a second language, because he has to deliberately commit this new meaning to memory when his heart and his gut are telling him that it means something different, and something horrible"
"When Phil was tiny, the word ‘queer’ meant ‘different.’ “You’re an odd child,” he was told on a regular basis. “You’re a queer one.” Now, it means something more like - it means that although there are differences between the various sexual minorities, they are all also part of something which makes them the same. Dan’s gay and Phil’s bi, but they’re both queer."
" It’s maybe not the norm, but it’s still normal, and it’s something to find in common with people rather than to separate him out."
These excerpts from TML pretty much sum up my interpretation of the the word queer. They also do a good job at summing up how my view on the word has changed...
I remember in class in year 8 two of the guys used to throw around the word 'queer', I remember everyone laughing about it... and I remember not understanding why... queer meant odd right?... what's so funny or insulting about calling someone queer? This was the beginning of my mind associating the word queer with 'broken' or 'not right'.
When I told one of my friends that I was 'unstraight' (pretty much a perfect synonym for queer) their reply was something along the lines of "yay! another queer :3"... I remember flinching when I saw the word... because in my mental lexicon I associated the word with 'strange', 'odd', 'broken' and 'abnormal'. It's hard, training your brain to change the meaning of a word... and I do still flinch sometimes when the word queer is used... just like I do whenever someone says 'that's so gay', and I don't think that I'll stop flinching and over analysing these things anytime soon... but we'll see. Thanks for changing my views on the word queer maxert :)
More of my thoughts on The Mental Lexicon can be found here.
