WE CRY TOGETHER/ UNITED IN GRIEF : DAEMON AND RHAENYRA TARGARYEN AND THE GRIEF THAT CONSUMES THEM.
So, under a post I made explaining why Nettles is important to Daemon's character arc and story, more than one person has called me sexist for using Rhaenyra’s grief as a reason they drift apart. In the same post, I described both Daemon and Nettles' grief as a reason they became close, but its easier to use the first part for the idea that someone is sexist.
I'm not going to say I'm not or that I don't have biases when I consume media. What I will say is that for the sake of the story and world, I try my best to be objective. That being said, a big issue of mine is when people try to underplay Rhaenyra’s grief for the sake of the narrative that the Maesters are biased. We enter the story knowing that they are extremely sexist towards her and consistently hold her to a double standard.
However, the idea that her grief was one of the things they exaggerated and made up is unfair to her and where she was at the time. People use emotions to discredit women, so while I understand the aversion to talking about it because of the way it's weaponized in the text, discrediting it is a disservice to her character.
This is a woman who has just lost four of her children in the span of months during a war where her rightful claim is being challenged and usurped. She just lost her firstborn son and just reclaimed her rightful place as the head of seven kingdoms. She's the first woman to do it as well.
So, just maybe because she's been undermined and called emotional all her life, something we see in the TV show and Book, she hardened herself to rule past her grief. Maybe she rightfully believes that the second she steps out of line, emotionally, people will undermine her rule and inheritance of the throne.
Imposing taxes made people call her Maegor with Teats. She has an understanding of it from the time she's named heir.
Obviously, she's still grieving her children, so she lashes out, something we see with Viserys in episode two. She isolates herself, something we see in episode two, three, four, and six when things become hard and she becomes paranoid like in Episode ten with Daemon. She laughs when she sees Maegor II dismembered in front of her, again because she is grieving, and I assume for the first time in a while, it isn't her loss to grieve. It isn't right, but it's understandable if that's what happens.
She also pushes Daemon away when she's stressed, I don't think she doesn't trust his intentions in Episode 10, I think she's a scared person who was just betrayed after learning of her father's death, knowing that she should've inherited the Kingdon after her father died and didn't, so she's paranoid and is remembering everything her father said to her while grieving and is being safe rather than sorry. I assume she also understands that Daemon is impulsive while grieving, he sleeps with her about a week after his wife's death so she isn’t too off. She doesn't think he is the Daemon we see him being . She thinks he wants to fight a war at any cost, even through undermining her. That's exactly why she was chosen to be the heir over him in the first place.
Then after they return to Kings Landing, she starts listening to someone who feeds her worst impulses, someone who doesn't want her to succeed clearly, especially when Rhaenyra is laughing at and putting hits on kids while taxes the people.
She also has an established relationship with violence when she has to do it, like with the boar or Vaemond. She understands the political landscape of the world she lives in and uses it to inform her decision-making. She also understands when violence is necessary. I don't think in the show she's going to go after Nettles the way she does in the books. I have a whole theory as to why.
https://www.tumblr.com/richardsthridnipple/716875921930518528/just-in-case-people-forget-what-my-platform-is-i?source=share
Rhaenyra is intelligent and understands the power she has, but she at this time is a grieving mother who's been betrayed by people she's known her whole life for less. She doesn't need to be and more than likely won't be the person we know now.
NEXT UP IS DAEMON.
Mr. I can't regulate my emotions here, meets a girl who doesn't have a known Targaryen ancestor, who tames her Dragon in a unique way and who is crushed by the lost of the same son he just lost. So they bond over that grief. In a way, his wife just cannot facilitate right now.
It is established that when Daemon grieves, he becomes impulsive and irritated. He lashes out like at Laena’s funeral with Viserys or after losing Viserys and his unborn kid. After Rhaenyra talks about the prophecy, something her father trusted her with as heir and states that's why she knows it, he strangles her at the implication that the brother he cared for deeply didn't trust or want him as heir. Something Rhaenyra acknowledged when he let her go. He also sleeps with and marries Rhaenyra days after Laena dies. I'm not saying he didn't love Rhaenyra. It's just a strange thing to occur back to back.
Another thing Daemon does is protect the people he loves when he feels out of control or if they are put in danger. It happens with Vaemond and on Dragonstone when he's exercising his power to secure the castle or throughput every interaction with Viserys. That's what he does.
So when his wife sends him away with the girl, or maybe he chooses her, we don't know for sure, he forms a relationship with her very quickly, in whatever nature you may think it is and visibly lashes out when he thinks her life is in danger. He lashes out at the assumptions and the harm Nettles is put in, ensuring her safety even at the cost of his life in this moment and does not return to Rhaenyra’s side after she send for him.
I want to note that the idea of the assumptions comes with the fact that in the decree, she basically says that Daemon isn't acting out of his own free will, that Nettles used spells to seduce him. It's plays into another thing Daemon does when people observe him. He either plays into it or finds the absolute worst way to disprove it. See episode 3, where he runs into an open field and gets shot with arrows because Viserys wants to help him win his war.
He also more clearly doesn't like when people he loves observes him and draw true conclusions. When Laena and Viserys call him out, he immediately gets harsh and defensive. And right out now, after being away for about 4 months and not finding Aemond, he seems to be enchanted by Nettles 'company instead of doing his duty. A clearly accurate assessment. So he acts out.
I don't think the way it's established in the books is disingenuous to the Daemon we see in the show, or really in the book.
All this to say, they both are allowed to do everything they do. They shouldn't do a lot of it, but they are entitled to their reactions when these versions of each other interact with each other.
A big note here would be that it's okay to express grief but not at the cost of others. Daemon strangling Rhaenyra or Rhaenyra ordering hits on a child is not okay.
Now, what we have after all of this is a grieving Rhaenyra trying her best and a grieving Daemon wanting to be acknowledged and not alone while doing it.
By the end, they have different needs that don't align with each other, so they grow apart, outside of each other.
Another thing I see with the whole argument is the discrediting of Nettles' emotions. She's grieving a leader, upset by the fact that she just killed a bunch of people, and from what we see, doesn't have a lot of people comfort her. So much has happened, and she has no one to talk to about it. Baela is with her traumatized brothers, grievingher fiance, and Addam is in the Dragon pit. The others are celebrating their win.
So, if Daemon takes an interest in her and starts grieving with her, it doesn't seem like something she'd turn away from. Especially when they are grieving a lot of the same things, and Daemon would understand how she feels about the war.
Anyways, to close this off, every single character is entitled to their grief and the way they cope with it. To discredit it because of the way it's portrayed is a disservice to these characters. As readers, we should be able to analyze and take way these things from our favorite characters, even when it upsets us because they deserve nuance.
The Daemon and Rhaenyra we see in the first season are not the Daemon and Rhaenyra that descend on King’s Landing. And they are not the same characters we say goodbye to. They change and grow for better or worse. And if they are your favorites, accept it or read fix it fanfictions to cope like us regular people. But don't disavow everything that happens when they change after life altering events.
And don't call me sexist, especially when it comes to my girls. I adore my girls past their worst actions. I'm not a moral person when it comes to their actions. I actively support women's wrongs. The women of the dance are my baby girls. I'm not the one when it comes to them.
